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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to take my child out in the cold

479 replies

tantrumingcoldchild · 27/02/2020 10:00

Name changed for this!

I was trying to get my 3 year old daughter to nursery by 8 am for breakfast and so that I can get on with a big work project. She had a massive strop because she wanted to have Coco Pops at home. The general tantruming lasted almost an hour.

I finally forced her into her buggy (not something I normally do), but she ripped off her sweatshirt in the process and she was only in her vest. I attempted to put her coat on over her backwards but she angrily flung it off.

Knowing that she would quickly tire of the cold, I started the 7 minute walk to nursery. There was some very light snowy rain, just a few drops here and there. A woman saw me leaving my building with my daughter flailing around and screaming in her vest, and glared at me. She had a child with her.

When I was halfway down the block, the woman came back and asked me angrily if I had seen the weather and what my child was wearing. I explained that she was having a temper tantrum and I needed to work. I said that I was going to put her coat on her when she calmed down.

The woman insisted that this wasn't good enough and continued to berate me, saying it was horrible not to dress my child. I explained that my daughter had taken her clothes off and showed her the sweatshirt and coat which were ready and waiting.

She shouted at me some more and called me a crazy bitch. I asked her what she would do if she were going to get sacked for being late (this is theoretical, as I am not going to get sacked but I do need to work and I want my daughter to understand that there are boundaries and consequences. I let her make me late way too often). She told me that she would rather lose her job than take her child out in the cold and then yelled at me some more. I lost my temper and shouted back at her and she eventually left.

My daughter was quite upset. She asked if the lady was not nice to me. I explained that the woman was angry with me for not making my daughter wear her clothes in the cold. Then my original plan came to fruition: my daughter agreed to put her top and coat on, I hugged her and said I loved her, and we walked to nursery together.

So, was I unreasonable to take my daughter out in a vest when she was having a horrible temper tantrum?

OP posts:
FoamingAtTheUterus · 27/02/2020 12:20

I live next door to a nursery, a well cared for, half naked screaming child would get a cursory ' oh dear, one of those days '.

However a neglected, half naked child with a history of not being cared for properly would hopefully warrant an SS referral. There's a huge difference.

I think the op handled things as well as she could, the child learned why clothes are needed and all is well with the world.

Will say tho op I'd put money on her.coming down with something. When all the world is a.fury it often means they're about to come down with something.

myself2020 · 27/02/2020 12:20

@mantarays its chilly, but not frostbite territory. the child is not going to get harmed in such a short period of time.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 12:20

It's a common parenting method these days to teach through consequences. If you dont put your coat on, you will be cold. If you dont eat your breakfast, you will be hungry etc. Authoritatian parenting of do what I say, when as I say does not work for all children.

It’s not authoritarian. It’s protecting them from decisions they are not qualified to make.

Honestly. Where does this “consequence” parenting lead? My DD wants to touch the iron. Should I let her? The consequence is she’ll get burned, but at least I won’t be “authoritarian”. Hmm

strawberrylipgloss · 27/02/2020 12:20

I've done this when dd refused to wear wellies on a rainy day so I took her out barefoot and carrying wellies with me.

Original poster
tantrumingcoldchild · 27/02/2020 12:20

It wasn't the same temperature as ice! It was relatively warm.

What I am getting from this thread is that people have very different standards about things (I know, what an insight!). Where I am from, this would be considered very warm February weather.

OP posts:
FoamingAtTheUterus · 27/02/2020 12:21

Blue skys and sunshine here in South Cumbria. Myself

Im not even wearing my big Cardie Grin

mantarays · 27/02/2020 12:22

myself2020

It’s painfully cold. I’ve been out for a decent chunk of time this morning and seen my DD’s cheeks start to turn blue after about ten minutes. It’s too cold to have your child out of the house unclothed. I won’t debate that.

Lindy2 · 27/02/2020 12:22

Your only mistake was to engage in talking to this person.

I'm a great believer in children learning from their actions.

Take clothes off, get cold, put clothes back on.

Toddler learning objective met - in cold weather it is best to wear clothes. (Unfortunately with toddlers you may have to repeat the lessons a few times before it sinks in).

Mum learning objective - carry on as you are but in future walk on past bat shit busy bodies without feeling the need to unnecessarily justify your parenting decisions.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 12:23

tantrumingcoldchild

If it was snowing where you are (even a little) it wasn’t more than 1-2 degrees.

CycleWoman · 27/02/2020 12:23

You did what you had to do! Sometimes it is impossible to make them do what they have to do, particularly on the getting dressed front.

I had the opposite issue last night. My absolutely knackered 3 year old had a whopper of a tantrum as it was time for a bath. I tried all the things-hugs as he was throwing a wobbler because he was just knackered, bribery, and finally a bit of force (holding him to get his trousers off). But he was thrashing and screaming so much he was about to hurt himself and/or me......my solution was to just lower him into the bath with his socks and t shirt on!

Not ideal but there was no ‘nipping it in the bud’!

porple · 27/02/2020 12:23

i’ve has to do similar with DS. also following to see how you nip a tantrum in the bud

juggler82 · 27/02/2020 12:24

I would have managed to get a coat on my fairly placid eldest dc, even when tantrumming. The youngest is a whole different kettle of fish - the force required to get a coat on him in the middle of a meltdown would be far crueller than a couple of minutes in the cold. I take his coat etc with me, he puts it on when he feels chilly. I’m with you OP.

StoppinBy · 27/02/2020 12:25

Natural consequences such as letting your DD feel the chill that comes with throwing off her warm clothes before you had to go out in the cold are a far, far, far better teacher than you forcing your child to put her clothes on ever could be.

As long as you had the warm clothes for her to put on when she realised she had made a bad choice then you. IMO 100% did the right thing.

Dustarr73 · 27/02/2020 12:25

We have all been there,having a tantrum and stripping themselves.I think you did the right thing

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 27/02/2020 12:25

Mantarays the point with the Maasai is that their babies don't get hurt. We'd whip them away before they got near the fire but they don't and once baby crawls near enough to feel the heat building they stop and realise it's dangerous.

And no they don't 'live with lions' Hmm

Ihavechangedmyname2manytimes · 27/02/2020 12:25

Honestly, I don't understand how you let your daughter have hour-long tantrum and still took her out in the cold in just her vest. She is 3, not 13. Also, few minutes in this weather without adequate clothing will leave your daughter with sniffles and, hopefully, not, proper cold. Then you will miss days of work, not just an hour in the morning. Do some parenting! Your DD is 3 and is capable to understand rules.
But, yeah, some random stranger putting her nose in where it doesn't belong, in the middle of stressful time in the morning, would be not welcome!

Bookoffacts · 27/02/2020 12:25

Do it in communal area then and stop dragging it out.
You are stronger than a 3 year old and it's good parenting to sometimes (or at some stages daily) have to force them to do things. How do you change her nappy or get her dressed when she's not having it. Do you leave that too?
Put child in jumper.
Put (force) coat on child
Put (force) child in buggy.
3 mins not 10 or 30.
If she's crying anyway it won't make a difference. Will be more outraged cry or poss more 'sorry for self' cry.
Job done Leave flat.
She'll calm down and it won't be anywhere near as traumatising as letting her shriek for 10 mins.

Sewrainbow · 27/02/2020 12:27

Yanbu - I would have done the same, they'll soon learn, i just took the extras with me....

I've learnt to deal with it and not worry about being judged (and my son went on a school trip in shorts yesterday Grin) it is easier now though that they can both speak for themselves and will tell peple they're not cold.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 12:27

MrsArchchancellorRidcully

Then by the same logic the OP could have opened the door and stood in the dry and inside with her DD for a minute or two and she would have realised it was too cold to go out naked. Instead, she took her out in completely unsuitable clothing. Not appropriate.

Waterloosunsets · 27/02/2020 12:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ as requested by the OP.

Embracelife · 27/02/2020 12:29

Dont engage with random people.

Embracelife · 27/02/2020 12:29

You didn't need to explain anything

Confuddledtown · 27/02/2020 12:29

Honestly. Where does this “consequence” parenting lead? My DD wants to touch the iron. Should I let her? The consequence is she’ll get burned, but at least I won’t be “authoritarian”.

Being outside in above freezing weather for a few minutes is not the same as touching an iron. You introduce consequences in an age appropriate manner. You keep the iron out if reach and sight until they are of an age where you can explain to them, irons are hot, they are dangerous, they can hurt you and for that to be understood. The point is you want to them to decide independently not to do things because of the consequence (danger, pain, being cold, being hungry etc), not because they are afraid of you or because you are their "boss." Obviously the consequences have to be carefully monitored by a parent, and decisions and responsibilities have to be age appropriate.

You dont want to parent like that. That's cool. All kids and parents are different. Horses for courses etc. But dont make sweeping statements over what you dont understand. Just because someone parents differently to you, doesnt mean you are doing something wrong. Theres no need to be so defensive and put other methods down, particularly as you havent researched them properly.

myself2020 · 27/02/2020 12:30

@tantrumingcoldchild i’m with you - its chilly out, not cold (i’m from a proper cold country where -20 is pretty normal)
plus i assume that your daughters bottom half was dressed, so its just a coat/jumper missing. suboptimal, but not dangerous. she’ll learn

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 27/02/2020 12:30

I used to have to do this with DD from time to time. That said when she was that small her preference for most times was nakedness and she could wrangle out of her clothes in a split second. She's a lot more reasonable now about wearing clothes thankfully (she's 9 now). Today though she was insistent that she didn't need tights or trousers, we warned her she would be cold, she said she wouldn't be. When we got to the school gates she admitted she was cold and asked if I could bring her some for home time, I told her there were a pair of tights in her bag and she went off happy with that knowledge.

The woman was out of order.