to take my child out in the cold

[tantrumingcoldchild]

Name changed for this!

I was trying to get my 3 year old daughter to nursery by 8 am for breakfast and so that I can get on with a big work project. She had a massive strop because she wanted to have Coco Pops at home. The general tantruming lasted almost an hour.

I finally forced her into her buggy (not something I normally do), but she ripped off her sweatshirt in the process and she was only in her vest. I attempted to put her coat on over her backwards but she angrily flung it off.

Knowing that she would quickly tire of the cold, I started the 7 minute walk to nursery. There was some very light snowy rain, just a few drops here and there. A woman saw me leaving my building with my daughter flailing around and screaming in her vest, and glared at me. She had a child with her.

When I was halfway down the block, the woman came back and asked me angrily if I had seen the weather and what my child was wearing. I explained that she was having a temper tantrum and I needed to work. I said that I was going to put her coat on her when she calmed down.

The woman insisted that this wasn't good enough and continued to berate me, saying it was horrible not to dress my child. I explained that my daughter had taken her clothes off and showed her the sweatshirt and coat which were ready and waiting.

She shouted at me some more and called me a crazy bitch. I asked her what she would do if she were going to get sacked for being late (this is theoretical, as I am not going to get sacked but I do need to work and I want my daughter to understand that there are boundaries and consequences. I let her make me late way too often). She told me that she would rather lose her job than take her child out in the cold and then yelled at me some more. I lost my temper and shouted back at her and she eventually left.

My daughter was quite upset. She asked if the lady was not nice to me. I explained that the woman was angry with me for not making my daughter wear her clothes in the cold. Then my original plan came to fruition: my daughter agreed to put her top and coat on, I hugged her and said I loved her, and we walked to nursery together.

So, was I unreasonable to take my daughter out in a vest when she was having a horrible temper tantrum?

"consequence parenting" is bullshit let's be honest - you are hardly going to allow your child to eat washing powder, drink whiskey, burn themselves or jump out of the window so they can "experience consequences"

Pretty sure any normal human being in this country can "experience the cold" without being left in the snow in their underwear.

You have to love the excuse for being a lazy parent as not joining in the "keeping up with the Joneses" race Brilliant.

Agree with pp I’d just give them breakfast and if coco pops are a big no don’t buy them.

Yanbu op.

For future reference, when my dd was behaving like that, I bribed her with youtube on my phone.

Oh yes - I will also bribe when I'm desperate!!

You can't respond because there is no response.

Bet you'd promptly complain about me deducting the day, too?

You have to love the excuse for being a lazy parent as not joining in the "keeping up with the Joneses" race

I thought “keeping up with the Joneses” involved things like new extensions and 4x4s, or at the very least sweeping the front steps. I think dressing your child in the snow is more “Keeping up with Wayne and Waynetta”.

I don’t even think it needs to get to the bribing phase / it’s surely just common sense that if you have a delicious option for breakfast your daughter will want that?

I just typed a response to Bing but it was so rude that I deleted it.
*
You too, sponge.*

You're great at this I'm not interacting things aren't you?

Thanks for letting me know about a non post!

You are so determined to try and change people's minds it's ridiculous, I don't agree with your parenting style and force, that's it!

My dd used to hate wearing a coat. I'd get it on. Then she's run off, discarding her coat on the path. A couple of times I got comments but I just used to say, well you try keeping it on her. She never suffered any ill effects. If she ever did feel chilly, she'd put it on. I don't get all this 'nip a tantrum in the bud' business. Once they go off on a tantrum, you can't physically stop them! What are you supposed to do? Smack them or tape their mouth shut? Some dcs are incredibly strong willed. Ok, you can force them into the car seat/buggy etc (I've done this many times when needed to be somewhere) but it doesn't stop the tantrum. They've continued to scream. The other day my dd (20mths) kept climbing out of the trolley and running off and laughing in the supermarket. I strapped her in but she gets out of the straps. If I put her in the main trolley, she climbs out. So it makes it impossibly to do any shopping to the point where I've decided I can no longer take her and have to organise things so that doesn't happen. We get to the bit where you queue and put the shopping on the conveyor, she keeps trying to run off. So I have to restrain her with one hand, and load the shopping with the other. She hates this so starts screaming and kicking off big time. I try offering food/snacks/bottle/drink and she just throws everything! Maybe I should have 'nipped it in the bud' somehow but I had to do what I had to do.. it's not my parenting style either, this dd is extremely adventurous and strong willed. I didn't have this problem with my other 2 dcs when they were little.

Well it’s bribing / reward sticker for getting dressed so nicely. Reward charts are just bribery really.

So it makes it impossibly to do any shopping to the point where I've decided I can no longer take her and have to organise things so that doesn't happen.

That’s the responsible thing to do, though, isn’t it? You don’t let her run round the car park, get hit by a car and then say “She’ll learn”, do you? You adjust the parameters of what you can do.

It’s a fact of life that some people have easier children than others. I don’t believe it’s down to brilliant parenting, just luck.

One of my twins throws almighty ear splitting tantrums, the other is very docile and generally does what she’s told. They’re parented exactly the same. (Guess which one’s the coat tosser 🤣)

It’s not abusive to let a little child feel the cold for a minute or two, at least not in the UK where it rarely gets super cold. You have to adapt your parenting to each child, gentle persuasion and distraction works brilliantly for my calmer twin; the more stubborn one sometimes needs a chilly head before she will put on her hat!

As for sticker and reward charts. I think they work ok for dcs who like to please. With my ds they never worked. Maybe it's because it turns out he's got Aspergers (I didn't know at the time, thought it was just the way he was). He didn't care about 'pleasing' anyone. He didn't care about the reward and doesn't respond to punishments, they make him worse. The only thing that works for him is to keep repeating things and eventually, one day, something just clicks and he decides of his own accord that's what he's doing. I also found with reward/sticker charts , that even if they did work, one was they'd earned the 'treat', they'd go back to their old ways/bad behaviour. Some people seem to think they're effective though.

Hi all. We've removed some posts from the spat on this thread and shown a pbp the door. Hopefully things will get back on track now.

@mantarays

Nobody has suggested getting hit by a car.

We're talking safe consequences. Being cold for a few seconds is perfectly safe.

No risk, no danger. In fact there is a tangible benefit.

Other than judgement by others. Therefore, that's why you're doing it.

This is simple logic. You've yet to offer an alternative.

Hahahahaha. I used to be that smug parent who would look at a situation and think ffs, stop pissing around and be a parent.

Then I had dd2! Safe to say the smug parent disappeared!

Good question Waterloo I’d say no to both - op’s way and childcare

I'd think it fine in similar circumstances Waterloo - as long as they had the clothing there ready to put on when said child came to its senses.

DS was running around his playground sans coat the other day, and it was coooold. He had free access to go back indoors and his coat was right there for him to put on with his key worker but they said he kept taking it off 🤷‍♀️ I was fine with this - I know they’d have tried to get it on and I know how stubborn he can be. I’d much rather he was outdoors and getting some fresh air and exercise than being cooped up indoors, under those circumstances.

@tantrumingcoldchild I’ve been there...done similar.
My strong willed dc did not want to leave soft play cafe so refused to put on/keep on shoes and coat, it was cold outside and we had to leave as we were the last out and it was closing.
After a while of asking nicely, firmly, then having a go at bribery i took her by the hand and we left the cafe, she was stood on the pavement in socks and thin top still howling in protest.
I love her to bits and didn’t like to see her cold, the cafe worker also obviously hated this sight and came out, said I didn’t have to rush, they could wait a bit to close up.
I was quite embarrassed as well but it wasn’t right that my dc held up the cafe from closing cos she didn’t want to go. 2 seconds of standing outside in her socks thankfully made her realise I was serious about us leaving and she put coat and shoes on.
Usually we have a good relationship, I can reason with her, try and dodge the power struggles but it wasn’t working that day. Maybe I wasn’t doing well either being patient or giving her enough time to adjust to the transition of leaving the cafe, but I’m not perfect.
No judging here op. I think you have a strong willed dc like mine, I don’t think it was mainly about the clothes, she just wanted a long breakfast with mummy, and maybe not to go to nursery at all. I get it... but we have to work, that’s just how it is...
That person stopping you and shouting at you in the street was out of line imo.

We're talking safe consequences. Being cold for a few seconds is perfectly safe.

From the OPs description it was more than a few seconds - long enough for her spat with the passerby. And there’s cold for a few seconds and being out in snowy/sleety weather without a top on. You’re as bad as the folk you’re arguing with - equally insisting there’s only one way to teach a child about being cold (by letting them out in winter without clothes). How do you teach them things are hot without letting them burn themselves...

Ive a neighbour that commented that i didnt have a hat on my son who was wrapped up in a coat etc on the walk from my home to my car 😆

Why didn't you just let her eat some cereal. Give her half the amount to save hangry tantrums. That would have taken 10 minutes and not an hour of a tantrum.

The neighbour was rude to comment.