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Original poster

to take my child out in the cold

479 replies

tantrumingcoldchild · 27/02/2020 10:00

Name changed for this!

I was trying to get my 3 year old daughter to nursery by 8 am for breakfast and so that I can get on with a big work project. She had a massive strop because she wanted to have Coco Pops at home. The general tantruming lasted almost an hour.

I finally forced her into her buggy (not something I normally do), but she ripped off her sweatshirt in the process and she was only in her vest. I attempted to put her coat on over her backwards but she angrily flung it off.

Knowing that she would quickly tire of the cold, I started the 7 minute walk to nursery. There was some very light snowy rain, just a few drops here and there. A woman saw me leaving my building with my daughter flailing around and screaming in her vest, and glared at me. She had a child with her.

When I was halfway down the block, the woman came back and asked me angrily if I had seen the weather and what my child was wearing. I explained that she was having a temper tantrum and I needed to work. I said that I was going to put her coat on her when she calmed down.

The woman insisted that this wasn't good enough and continued to berate me, saying it was horrible not to dress my child. I explained that my daughter had taken her clothes off and showed her the sweatshirt and coat which were ready and waiting.

She shouted at me some more and called me a crazy bitch. I asked her what she would do if she were going to get sacked for being late (this is theoretical, as I am not going to get sacked but I do need to work and I want my daughter to understand that there are boundaries and consequences. I let her make me late way too often). She told me that she would rather lose her job than take her child out in the cold and then yelled at me some more. I lost my temper and shouted back at her and she eventually left.

My daughter was quite upset. She asked if the lady was not nice to me. I explained that the woman was angry with me for not making my daughter wear her clothes in the cold. Then my original plan came to fruition: my daughter agreed to put her top and coat on, I hugged her and said I loved her, and we walked to nursery together.

So, was I unreasonable to take my daughter out in a vest when she was having a horrible temper tantrum?

OP posts:
dramaticpenguin · 27/02/2020 16:35

What you did was a perfect example if the natural consequences method of parenting and the other woman should have kept her mouth shut! Id be more concerned over seeing someone pin their child down or force them than seeing them cold, especially if you clearly had the extra garments clearly with you.

That said, I do know a little girl who's mum keeps taking her to her childminder without appropriate clothing at all - thin top, no coat, shoes too big etc and child crying with cold and mum just says "oh I don't know why shes crying this morning!"

WorraLiberty · 27/02/2020 16:41

I'm really confused OP.

All this happened because you had to get her to nursery for 8am, so you could get on with a big work project.

Yet you've been on this thread all day Confused

So the whole thing was a stressful waste of time by the sound of it.

winniesanderson · 27/02/2020 16:48

I have done the same thing with my youngest once or twice. If it seems the coat is going to be a major issue I leave it before it escalates into a giant tantrum and then within a minute or so of being outside I can get it on without any fuss because she's calm and distracted by cars, birds etc.

I wonder would some kind of visual aid help in the mornings so she knows what sort of day it's going to be? Could just be a picture of nursery or something so she knows that breakfast won't be at home that day and that the nursery morning routine will be happening? Might help some of the tantrums if they're caused by confusion about what's happening next. A little visual step by step guide could help too. I remember making one with just clip art pictures representing the routine when mine was little and hated bedtimes 😂 it did really help for her to know what was coming next.

CorianderLord · 27/02/2020 17:04

Obviously not you were doing what you could.

Op hasn't said where she is.. it's 8 degrees in London today even with the snow

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 27/02/2020 17:05

I had a friend whose toddler stripped off whenever he could. They ended up dressing him in jumpsuits with fastenings at the back and putting clothes on backwards. They had blankets and extra long cosy toes/footmuffs for the pushchair. They also used the waterproof pushchair covers. My friend attached two bits of fleece to the top half on the sides of the footmuff but he would push them down.

His tantrums got better as he got older but his parents were advised to be firm and consistent. The father would manhandle him into clothes but my friend wasn't happy about the force needed and the clinic advised them to use blankets instead of forcefully dressing him. He had a favourite blanket which they used. They also had a poncho for his cowboy outfit which could be used sometimes.

happycamper11 · 27/02/2020 17:11

Personally I'd have let her get cold and learn a lesson. I wouldn't care what nosy neighbour said. In hindsight though it would have been quicker to give her a quick bowl of cereal. I've never let mine leave the house having eaten nothing anyway even if they were going to breakfast club. I had a very reactive dd2 so learned to pick my battles

Quicklittlenamechange · 27/02/2020 17:11

The issue seems to be that OP was insisting it wasnt a "breakfast at home day"
Probably the whole thing would have been avoided if the DC was given a cracker/toast.
An hour waiting for breakfast age 3 ?
Hangry !

averythinline · 27/02/2020 17:24

Get rid of the coco pops... less causes for argument (

I would have just taken her in the vest with the stuff to put on ... and would have told interfering woman to sod off..

DC have done similar but learnt !

Nat6999 · 27/02/2020 18:42

Any parent who hasn't tried to wedge a rigid toddler in a buggy is a liar, they push boundaries just as much as teenagers. Don't let this stupid woman's comments worry you.

myself2020 · 27/02/2020 19:04

@Quicklittlenamechange the op had offered her daughter a banana. she didn’t want it. My toddler had a massive tantrum because his water was wet.... toddlers are not logical

mantarays · 27/02/2020 19:10

toddlers are not logical

Which is why giving them choices (ones that matter) is foolish, and often ends up more frightening for them than if you simply make them do the thing that needs to be done.

Mymycherrypie · 27/02/2020 19:14

I do give them limited choices because I find that resolves tantrums. Apple or orange. Scrambled or dippy egg. The answers are always my way and the kids think they are winning.

Which coat do you want to wear today?
Which blanket do you want?
Which socks would you like to wear?
If you get in the car seat you can pick a unicorn or a cat sticker etc.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 19:16

Mymycherrypie

Of course. But those are choices that don’t matter. I wouldn’t let a toddler decide on their bedtime, but what colour pyjamas they want to wear - sure!

gnushoes · 27/02/2020 22:04

So all the people who'd have done it differently would have taught the child that force and might wins rather than actually mum was right, I'm cold and should wear my coat? All the people saying pick your battles - yes. This one was best won by letting the child discover mum was right. She wasn't going to come to harm. Now babies in prams in full sunshine - that I would judge. Not someone clearly dealing with a stroppy toddler.

Mummyshark2019 · 27/02/2020 22:07

Yes. You were being unreasonable.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 22:15

So all the people who'd have done it differently would have taught the child that force and might wins...

While my DD is 3, I am in charge. If that means force, so be it. She doesn’t decide when I am right. Hmm When she has the capacity to make her own decisions she can make them.

spongejack · 27/02/2020 22:26

@mantarays @ 16.30 you were going to stop posting about your child...... welcome back 🙄!

What made you change your mind?

mantarays · 27/02/2020 22:40

spongejack

None of your beeswax. Thanks.

Mamato2gorgeousboys · 27/02/2020 22:44

No matter what tantrum, I wouldn’t have taken my child out in the cold weather in a vest. Sorry Op, I agree with the woman who said something to you. You are responsible for your child’s health and well-being and it is totally inappropriate to take a child out in a vest in rain/snow. I, personally, as an outsider would view this as neglect if I were to see this in the street.

StoppinBy · 27/02/2020 22:58

@mantarays you are so spectacularly missing the point that I begin to wonder about your intelligence.

The whole point of letting the child learn by experience is to COMPLETELY AVOID the argument in the first place. Once they realise they are cold the parent either offers or the child asks for the coat to be put on. In future you will generally not have any argument because the child now understands what 'it's cold outside' means.

If you always force your child in to a jacket the words 'it's cold outside' mean nothing because they never actually get the understanding of what that means.

Guided learning for your child often avoids arguments while still teaching the child to do as you wish.

WaxOnFeckOff · 27/02/2020 23:12

Stoppin, you are wasting your breath. The poster is so entrenched in the belief that they are right and it's the only way you aren't going to change their mind as they don't have the capacity.

I predict either of two outcomes.

A: child ends up still living with mummy until their 60s as they become incapable of independent thought or have any confidence to do anything else.

B: child reaches age 13 and thinks "fuck this shit" and goes completely off the rails.

happycamper11 · 28/02/2020 03:54

While my DD is 3, I am in charge. If that means force, so be it. She doesn’t decide when I am right.*  When she has the capacity to make her own decisions she can make them.

At age 3 children do (or at least should) have the capacity to realise they are cold, have made a mistake, and learn from that.

SocialMediaUser1511 · 28/02/2020 04:10

Personally I wouldn’t take my child out like that but to each their own.

spongejack · 28/02/2020 06:26

@mantarays such an intelligent answer, are you. 3?

Quicklittlenamechange · 28/02/2020 07:39

At age 3 children do (or at least should) have the capacity to realise they are cold, have made a mistake, and learn from that.

A 3 year old does not have that capacity in the way an adult does and also impulse control is not developed.
They may recognise their needs but not be able to express it , hence tantrums when tired, hungry, cold.
Hence parents needing to dress there child appropriately, ensure they dont run into the road, take a swig from that bottle of bleach...
The child was clearly past the point of reasoning .
"You can chose- put your coat on or Mummy puts it on"
In which case getting the coat on as quickly and gently as possible.
No not nice but hell would freeze over before I took my child out in the winter, when its sleeting, in a vest .

mantarays is right Im afraid and some of you just want to put the boot in.
How ironic when you are all "gentle parents"😂😂😂

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