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AIBU?

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Original poster

to take my child out in the cold

479 replies

tantrumingcoldchild · 27/02/2020 10:00

Name changed for this!

I was trying to get my 3 year old daughter to nursery by 8 am for breakfast and so that I can get on with a big work project. She had a massive strop because she wanted to have Coco Pops at home. The general tantruming lasted almost an hour.

I finally forced her into her buggy (not something I normally do), but she ripped off her sweatshirt in the process and she was only in her vest. I attempted to put her coat on over her backwards but she angrily flung it off.

Knowing that she would quickly tire of the cold, I started the 7 minute walk to nursery. There was some very light snowy rain, just a few drops here and there. A woman saw me leaving my building with my daughter flailing around and screaming in her vest, and glared at me. She had a child with her.

When I was halfway down the block, the woman came back and asked me angrily if I had seen the weather and what my child was wearing. I explained that she was having a temper tantrum and I needed to work. I said that I was going to put her coat on her when she calmed down.

The woman insisted that this wasn't good enough and continued to berate me, saying it was horrible not to dress my child. I explained that my daughter had taken her clothes off and showed her the sweatshirt and coat which were ready and waiting.

She shouted at me some more and called me a crazy bitch. I asked her what she would do if she were going to get sacked for being late (this is theoretical, as I am not going to get sacked but I do need to work and I want my daughter to understand that there are boundaries and consequences. I let her make me late way too often). She told me that she would rather lose her job than take her child out in the cold and then yelled at me some more. I lost my temper and shouted back at her and she eventually left.

My daughter was quite upset. She asked if the lady was not nice to me. I explained that the woman was angry with me for not making my daughter wear her clothes in the cold. Then my original plan came to fruition: my daughter agreed to put her top and coat on, I hugged her and said I loved her, and we walked to nursery together.

So, was I unreasonable to take my daughter out in a vest when she was having a horrible temper tantrum?

OP posts:
mantarays · 27/02/2020 15:44

WaxOnFeckOff

She is lovely. But about everything else I think we must continue to disagree.

Blahdeeeblah · 27/02/2020 15:45

I see why the woman felt the need to comment, she probably saw something worse than described from her own ASSUMPTIONS. However as you politely explained the reason, she had no right to stand there and judge you or pass any unnecessary comments to you. Plain rude in my opinion.

We all have bad days, don't sweat it. You had to do what you felt was right and your daughter learnt a lesson from it all. Chin up x

mantarays · 27/02/2020 15:45

Except about “extreme force” and other such hyperbole. It doesn’t take “extreme force” to dress a toddler. She’s not the Hulk.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 15:51

WhyCantIThinkOfAGoodOne

You can think whatever you want about my parenting style relative to that of the OP. I can think whatever I want.

bingbangbing · 27/02/2020 15:55

No, that's not doxing

mantarays · 27/02/2020 16:01

search for and publish private or identifying information about (a particular individual) on the Internet, typically with malicious intent.

I think - again - polite disagreement is my only refuge here.

spongejack · 27/02/2020 16:01

Goodness me, this has got messy!

@mantarays for what it's worth, I agree with others your "parenting" style sounds absolutely awful!!

OP, as you'll see from this thread, people differ, you did nothing wrong and sorry you bumped into mantarays twin sister. Hope DD is in better form this afternoon.

bingbangbing · 27/02/2020 16:03

There is nothing polite about you, mantarays

Anybody for 🍩?

Sceptre86 · 27/02/2020 16:04

My child often tantrums after nursery that she doesn't want to put her coat on. It is a 45 minute wall home. Sometimes I let her walk a bit with out it and then ask if she has changed her mind. She always puts it on after 5 minutes out in the cold. To force it on I would have to hold down her arms and pull her up which could hurt her and make the tantrum last longer. As a parent you pick your battles. Yanbu

Sceptre86 · 27/02/2020 16:04

*walk

Porcupineinwaiting · 27/02/2020 16:08

Well I must be the devil incarnate because, when mine were younger, there were times that I physically wrestled them into clothing or dragged them to school half dressed. Sometimes simultaneously.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 16:10

spongejack

That’s fine. I don’t mind that you think my (dressed in zero degrees and thoroughly happy) child is parented awfully. I know she is fine.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 16:15

Sceptre86

And I wouldn’t make the same argument about that. Your child isn’t otherwise in underwear, is she?

spongejack · 27/02/2020 16:15

That’s fine. I don’t mind that you think my (dressed in zero degrees and thoroughly happy) child is parented awfully. I know she is fine.

Yeah pinned to the ground and forcefully dressed children always have that same sunny disposition don't they?

Ones that are force fed are even more cheerful.

You do know people lived without central heating and coped, a small amount of cold is not going to hurt the child, (awaits hyperbole of pneumonia, hypothermia and chilblains)!

spongejack · 27/02/2020 16:17

@mantarays why is @Sceptre86 any better than the OP? The OPs child was also "half dressed", surely it's the same?

WaxOnFeckOff · 27/02/2020 16:18

So manta, you think that I would publish your actual personal details on the web had you chosen to send me them?

Unless you actually live at 123 Sesame street then that's another wrong tree you are barking up.

I take it that given you say you disagree with the rest of my post, that also includes the bit where i said i thought you were a loving caring parent. ok.

I agree with the PP who said being able to reflect on your parenting and wonder if there are things you could do better is very healthy. My Dc are adults now but I do reflect and wish that I had been less strict at times and I think it might have given my DC more confidence. All I am trying to do here is suggest it's worth reflecting on the way you deal with things as, even if it's coming from a place of love, it's not good parenting to exert such physical control on a small child. Ultimately you might end up with a compliant well behaved child, but it's not good for their self esteem and mental health going forward.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 16:18

Yeah pinned to the ground and forcefully dressed children always have that same sunny disposition don't they

She is delightfully happy. She can be wilful as I said, but we rarely reach a situation where I have to do this. Thankfully. And yes, most children I have met whose parents would rather force their coats on than take them out in the snow in their underwear and them blame them when a stranger intervened are pretty happy. Funny that.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 16:19

spongejack

It’s not the same. A vest on top isn’t “half dressed”, it’s your underwear. In the snow Hmm

mantarays · 27/02/2020 16:20

WaxOnFeckOff

I was speaking to the poster who suggested you post the message.

I regularly reflect on my parenting. At the moment I am happy with it, but thanks.

bingbangbing · 27/02/2020 16:27

Woe betide your daughter if she doesn't have a sunny disposition...

Wouldn't it genuinely be easier to actually teach her why she needs to wear a coat?

mantarays · 27/02/2020 16:28

Wouldn't it genuinely be easier to actually teach her why she needs to wear a coat?

Indeed it is. She usually does wear her coat perfectly happily.

spongejack · 27/02/2020 16:28

@mantarays your previous posts don't make it sound like a rare occasion

Okay. Well, no nipping anything in the bud here. My DD can be a terror when she has a tantrum. But when it comes to getting clothes on her against her will, I physically pin her to the floor and put them on her one leg or arm at a time. Then I physically strap her in the buggy or car seat. It’s not fun but it works.

I'm only commenting on what you've put and you seem a very "physical" parent which I don't agree with, it's a forum and you'll get opinions.

bingbangbing · 27/02/2020 16:30

And how did you teach her that?

Not expecting a sensible answer.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 16:30

Anyway, I am going to stop posting about my child now. She is happy. We are happy. Frankly, the OP asked for advice and I didn’t so 🤷🏻‍♀️

But carry on if it entertains you.

PawPatrolMakesMeDrink · 27/02/2020 16:34

I’m sure you could have handled things better OP, I know that I can get swept up along with a tantrum and lose sight of the goal and make choices which, when reflected on, could have been different.
And for what’s it’s worth my DS regularly leaves nursery without his coat on, he doesn’t grasp yet that it’s cold outside as he’s toasty warm inside. I just offer it to him a minute or so after being outside and he puts it on. So far the nursery staff haven’t reported me to SS.

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