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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moh issued an ultimatum

182 replies

ayvasili · 27/02/2020 06:06

So, I'm getting married in two weeks to the love of my life, and I am so looking forward to it.
Wedding planning has been stressful as I live in the uk but we are getting married in the county we are from.
I just arrived this week to do the final dress fitting and finalize plans etc,and last night I met up with my moh for a few drinks. She told me that she feels she can no longer be part of the wedding because my father is flying in from Italy and she is afraid he will infect everyone with Coronavirus.
She has said that if he comes,she won't be attending the wedding.
Am I being unreasonable to choose to have my dad there instead of my best friend? Obviously if my dad had the slightest fear of infecting us all he would stay away, but he isn't near any of the places that have been shut down in quarantine. And now I have to find a new moh!!! So stressed.

OP posts:
10FrozenFingers · 27/02/2020 11:14

She'd be dead to me after this.

tempester28 · 27/02/2020 11:23

What did she think you would choose her over your dad? Crazy

I think we are all going to have to use our common sense as there are inevitably going to be more and more cases around us and eventually we probably won't be able to hide from it or people who have been in a given place.

Minxmumma · 27/02/2020 11:32

Every wedding has at least one oddball - I'm almost certain it's in the rules.

Glad your Dad has a flight and is going to be with you soon. Leave her to it, there is no real reason unless she is chronically hypochondriac or immune suppressed for her reaction. All a bit silly!

Although just to be a cow bag I would get a wedding photo with everyone is disposable masks just to be sarcastic. (Yes it's petty but.......)

StSaulOfSnacks · 27/02/2020 11:56

What did you actually say to her at the time?

MrsAgassi · 27/02/2020 12:00

Was your Dad initially flying today or much closer to the wedding day? If he's flying today and the wedding isn't for another two weeks then he will be out of the suggested quarantine time anyway.

I don't agree with her (and certainly not the ultimatum part) but considering the hysteria in the media, I'm not surprised that some people are genuinely frightened and I don't think they should be judged for feeling the way they do.

If she knows your Dad is flying in now, she may feel differently. If he had been flying much closer to the wedding date you may even have had other guests that felt the same way.

Have a fabulous wedding day!

katewhinesalot · 27/02/2020 12:14

If she's a good friend and has been there for you otherwise, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that it is the panic speaking.

Tell her now that he'll be here for the quarantine period and see if that reassures her.

Whatever you do, don't keep it a secret from other guests as a pp suggested. That would make me very upset even if the risk is low. I wouldn't broadcast it far and wide, but I certainly wouldn't keep it as a big secret. Just reassure everyone which region he's from and how long he will have been away from Italy by the big day.

Derbee · 27/02/2020 12:14

Enjoy your wedding. That would be the friendship over for me. I wouldn’t contact her after the wedding.

whatareyoucooking · 27/02/2020 12:22

Enjoy your wedding. That would be the friendship over for me. I wouldn’t contact her after the wedding.

Same. Have a lovely day OP. Lots of pics, ESPECIALLY with your DDad

ShesCurly · 27/02/2020 12:22

OP I would try to understand if it was just her saying she can't make it because of health anxiety but to actual frame it as an ultimatum is way out of line.

This x 1000.

Meltedicicle · 27/02/2020 12:36

If it makes you feel better, my PIL have just cancelled a meet up we were due to have in 2 weeks for my daughter’s birthday due to coronavirus fears. We are all England based and not travelled to any infected areas! All the best for the wedding, you’ll have a fab day regardless of who attends.

Frangipanini · 27/02/2020 12:41

Melted, and how does that make you feel? Are your PIL quarantining themselves from everyone else in the country too? Are they not popping down to Morrisons anymore?

My MIL used to call me up and ask if my DC were well before she came over. I've never known her to be sick. In the end I just stopped inviting her because we don't want to catch anything off her either.

Meltedicicle · 27/02/2020 13:16

Frangi delighted tbf as it means I can go to my friend’s birthday meal instead of sitting through their drivel!

No, they’re not quarantining themselves from the world. They don’t want to meet in an area near a school that closed because some kids had been to Italy on a ski trip Hmm

Hockeyboysmum · 27/02/2020 13:19

Her loss.

loobyloo1234 · 27/02/2020 13:31

Your MOH sounds hysterical. Unless she has underlying health conditions, or is pregnant, I cannot see her point whatsoever

Surely your DF being from Southern Italy means she runs as much risk as catching the virus from any of the wedding party as there will be other cases within the UK where the chances are, one of those people has passed it on to them

The panic over this is so insane now. Until healthy people start losing their life over it, I won't worry too much

Motoko · 27/02/2020 13:42

Worries behind the scenes doesn't mean you can issue ultimatums. There really is no excuse for that, and is most definitely unreasonable. You just apologise for not being able to attend at such late notice. OP would understand that, I'm sure.

It's the ultimatum that's the problem here.

FilthyforFirth · 27/02/2020 14:01

Christ, she is some work. I would never speak to her again. Utterly hysterical and over the top. Sorry OP. Have a lovely weddding!

Lifesabeach86 · 27/02/2020 14:08

She is being ridiculous. Who gives their best friend that kind of ultimatum?!? Also a compete over reaction. We have coronavirus in the UK too, is she checking to make sure that no guest will be travelling from Brighton and other affected areas??

Barnowl25 · 27/02/2020 16:50

I was joking

Fairenuff · 27/02/2020 17:18

If you arrived from the uk to the country you are from surely that means that your moh is also in the country you are from and would also have to travel to the uk for the wedding which would involve her mixing with people from all over the place during her travels. And presumably she was happy to spend the evening with you even though you'd been travelling too.

Or have I got that all wrong Confused

Soontobe60 · 27/02/2020 18:35

She'd be dead to me after this.
A bit OTT!

OP, did she say something along the lines of 'if your DF comes to the wedding, I will not be attending' or was it more 'you'd better choose me over your DF if you're u want to see me ever again'? The first one isn't an ultimatum.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 22/06/2020 08:05

Hey OP @ayvasili just wondering if the wedding went ahead in mid March?

Either way, I hope you and your MOH were able to make it up. Life on this side of coronavirus has made friendships more precious to me.

PlaygroundReviews · 22/06/2020 08:41

This thread is fascinating in the light of all that has happened since!

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 22/06/2020 08:44

Yes, I agree. It had been left open on my phone, and when I scrolled through and saw it today, it struck me as to how different things were in late February, and changing every day.

I really hope the OP and her MOH made it up. Some of us at more foresight than others back then, but no one was to blame.

R2519 · 22/06/2020 09:01

I remember reading this and thinking what an overreaction but a hell of a lot has changed since then. Hopefully OP and MOH are still speaking but I completely understand MOHs reluctance in light of what has happenned.

Samtsirch · 22/06/2020 09:11

@Barnowl25
I also think moh should wear that, since she has the concerns.😁