Moh issued an ultimatum

[ayvasili]

So, I'm getting married in two weeks to the love of my life, and I am so looking forward to it.
Wedding planning has been stressful as I live in the uk but we are getting married in the county we are from.
I just arrived this week to do the final dress fitting and finalize plans etc,and last night I met up with my moh for a few drinks. She told me that she feels she can no longer be part of the wedding because my father is flying in from Italy and she is afraid he will infect everyone with Coronavirus.
She has said that if he comes,she won't be attending the wedding.
Am I being unreasonable to choose to have my dad there instead of my best friend? Obviously if my dad had the slightest fear of infecting us all he would stay away, but he isn't near any of the places that have been shut down in quarantine. And now I have to find a new moh!!! So stressed.

@Barnowl25 I can't work out if you're being serious or joking.....

@Sgtmajormummy thank you that is the kind of info i need to hear too much crazy going on.

Op have a lovely wedding your moh has made her choice sad tho it is you cant exclude your dad - im sure if he shows symptoms he will isolate himself and not come.

Congratulations OP enjoy your day.

Can you get him out of Italy and arrange for a test for the virus?

Also, if the situation changes he may not have a choice soon, a chap I work with had been in Italy last weekend and the morning after he got back the NHS have told him to self isolate.

Sgtmajormummy I really appreciate your contribution. That sort of context is genuinely helpful.

OP, be prepared that your DF may not be allowed to attend the wedding anyway, as by the time he is due to fly, he country you are in may not allow flights from there to land.
I can actually see your MOHs point. Someone arrives to attend a wedding, where there will be people from different countries, of different ages, who may be travelling with other people on the plane who are infected unknowingly with the virus. So your DF could get infected on the journey. By the time he shows symptoms, he's infected others at the wedding, who then travel back to their country, unwittingly passing on the infection.
That's one reason why airlines are grounding flights from or to certain destinations.

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut she was apologetic,but hard as steel when she demanded him or me-that's what hurts the most!

@TheMotherofAllDilemmas he is in the south and has booked a ticket for today

@Fairenuff I arrived from the up to the country we are from

Her issuing an ultimatum is plain ridiculous. I think you have your answer OP.

She is bloody awful issuing an ultimatum! I can just about wrap my head around ‘I’m so sorry, I just can’t risk it’ but not ‘me or you father, you decide’

Does she have any nice points?

@QueenofallIsee I thought she was "my person" I'm so shocked that I don't seem to know her at all

Update:my dad has got a flight for tonite, please keep your fingers crossed that this all works for use

YANBU, she is. What a shame. Do you have another friend you could ask, even just for a bit of help and support?

Hi OP,
Lots of people are not keen to travel at the moment. There are threads on here of people not sure whether to go on their planned trips not only for fear of getting sick but for fear of being quarantined and the effect that would have on their responsibilities.

To be honest when i read threads like “should I cancel my trip/keep my child off school” I expected piss taking but no one is laughing. Just lots of sensible advice to monitor the situation/keep an eye on the guidance etc.

In real life my own parents were planning to go away at Easter. They are now not booking anything but keeping an eye on the affected areas on the news/advice etc. I suggested considering a UK break or Jersey/Guernsey etc. It’s not just the country you are going to but the airport at a vast hub of people and the plane as an enclosed hub of people. And not knowing what the situation will be like by then if you commit to something now.

...anyway my point is I would steel yourself mentally for some people pulling out of attending anyway. Not because they don’t care but because they are twitchy about travel.

After reading that the most affected by the virus are elderly/ people with existing health conditions and health care workers I was chatting with my husband about if we think doctors/nurses/health care workers would call in sick or abandon their posts rather than work with those affected. I work in care myself and that might sound unthinkable but risking leaving your small children without a mother/father in order to help strangers doesn’t sound so great either.

Someone might well decide not to attend a wedding if they think that keeps their family safer. I think as the situation unfolds (and perhaps improves or perhaps worsens) you will do your own risk analysis about travel and you need to respect others making their own judgements and not take it personally.

Just saw your update - hope everything works out well.

People need to stop panicking.

@Sgtmajormummy thank you for your reasonable and very helpful post. I wish everyone read it and just calmed the fuck down.

OP - carry on without your MOH. She will realise afterwards what a dick she has been but don't let that spoil your day!

Depends where exactly he is flying from OP. DH has just had a work trip to Italy cancelled as a precaution. Hardly seems the best idea to travel really and I would certainly want to know if I were attending an event where someone had travelled into the UK but wasn't self isolating. I'm immune deficient and have a serious chronic illness but would think twice about attending regardless. Seeing a wedding isn't worth potentially spreading a serious illness no matter who's it is. If people stopped travelling from affected regions for non vital travel, the cases would not have escalated as such. It is somewhat selfish.

I really think you should absolutely blame the situation and not your friend otherwise there is a lot more to lose here. She is entitled to feel that way, it is about the situation, not you. You can get married regardless of who attends, and people can wish you well from anywhere.

“I'm so shocked that I don't seem to know her at all”

I think this is harsh. She is just twitchy as many people are when they start imagining children without mothers and fathers or making their elderly mother sick when they are immuno compromised etc

She’s not just choosing to be spiteful. In her mind she is prioritising keeping her family safe over attending a wedding (even the wedding of her bestie)

OP I would try to understand if it was just her saying she can't make it because of health anxiety but to actual frame it as an ultimatum is way out of line. I'd be questioning the friendship as I'd feel I didn't know her at all.

Notcycling
“She will realise afterwards what a dick she has been but don't let that spoil your day!”

Hopefully this whole issue will pass but that does not mean it wasn’t a reasonable decision to make based on the information available now.

If there is no pandemic people will no doubt scorn the cautious people when it is caution/quarantine etc that has limited the spread and avoided the pandemic.

I'll swim against the tide here and say that I would do the same as your friend and I'm neither hysterical, nor mean.

I’d your father is flying from a non-affected part of Italy he is surely no more of a risk than someone flying in from anywhere else in Europe? What an over-reaction. Sorry for you, OP.