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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moh issued an ultimatum

182 replies

ayvasili · 27/02/2020 06:06

So, I'm getting married in two weeks to the love of my life, and I am so looking forward to it.
Wedding planning has been stressful as I live in the uk but we are getting married in the county we are from.
I just arrived this week to do the final dress fitting and finalize plans etc,and last night I met up with my moh for a few drinks. She told me that she feels she can no longer be part of the wedding because my father is flying in from Italy and she is afraid he will infect everyone with Coronavirus.
She has said that if he comes,she won't be attending the wedding.
Am I being unreasonable to choose to have my dad there instead of my best friend? Obviously if my dad had the slightest fear of infecting us all he would stay away, but he isn't near any of the places that have been shut down in quarantine. And now I have to find a new moh!!! So stressed.

OP posts:
oncemorewithfeeling99 · 27/02/2020 09:26

I would assume she had some sort of health anxiety as it’s not a rational response. As unbelievably hurtful as it is, try to be gracious and talk to her about it properly once the wedding is over. Right now any discussion will be (understandably) fraught. I’m sorry OP.

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 27/02/2020 09:27

And of course you choose your dad.

crosspelican · 27/02/2020 09:33

Update:my dad has got a flight for tonite, please keep your fingers crossed that this all works for us.

Fantastic - it would have been awful if it had spread to his region and he had to self quarantine over your wedding day.

boopboo · 27/02/2020 09:33

Blimey. She sounds high maintenance! What an extreme reaction. If it was me and I had health anxiety I’d come but wear a face mask and use the hand gel. She doesn’t have to go anywhere near your father! Don’t tell any of the other wedding guests as it may spark a panic. Just forget her. Don’t communicate anymore as you’ve got enough on your plate. Just send one message “I’m very surprised at your stance but respect your decision. Obviously it is most important for my father to walk me down the aisle. Sorry you can’t be a part of my day. Best wishes” then leave it. Perhaps message some other girlfriends and say “my maid of honour has an emergency and has had to pull out of the wedding last minute. Is anybody able to help me out? Thank you so much” call on people to rally round. Just say it’s a health emergency. No further details. I tell you what though OP, weddings really make you realise who your friends are. We had friends who were due to be sat on our top table and they pulled out the day before because it was too far for them to drive. We’d driven up to their house countless times and this would have been the first time for them to drive to us. We haven’t seen them since. People who are decent and true friends will make the effort to be there.

Silentplikebath · 27/02/2020 09:37

Does your moh have any health problems such as asthma? Could she be in the early stages of pregnancy? Does she have any family members who have serious health issues?

It’s a shame that she has pulled out of the wedding but your dad is more important. I hope you have a wonderful wedding day!

DessertQueen · 27/02/2020 09:39

Could your dad wear on of these? Then you wouldn't have to choose and no one runs the risk of getting ill

This really made me laugh. I’d love to see pictures of a full wedding party wearing these!

Frangipanini · 27/02/2020 09:39

Actually the first thing I thought when I read your post is that your MOH is not happy for you and wants to sh!t on your day.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 27/02/2020 09:43

She is not unreasonable to be concerned and chose to be away. She might even have very good reasons.

She is beyond ridiculous and rude to put an ultimatum on you! Just on principle, I would tell her to bugger off. I don't react well to ultimatum.

Ibloodylovewomen · 27/02/2020 09:44

Does she, or someone in her close family have an autoimmune condition, reduced immunity, asthma or a chronic health problem? If so, that might be why she is behaving so "irrationally". She might be having to make difficult decisions to protect them. I think it's very easy to jump to conclusions about why people make the decisions they do, but perhaps there are good reasons behind the scenes.

Maduixa · 27/02/2020 09:46

Sorry, this does sound stressful! I don't think it's fair to ask you to choose. Let people who are invited come (unless someone poses a specific threat). If your MOH feels she needs to exclude herself, she should do what she feels she has to do. If you have other bridesmaids, maybe one of them can step into the MoH role?

I'm in a central European country which has no cases yet, and the government has basically said - look, it's in multiple Schengen countries already, it will likely be here soon - followed by concrete info on what to expect/what to do. I've been watching the situation in Italy because I have family in Malta, and I initially expected it to spread there quickly because there is so much traffic back and forth - but Italy has done a very good job containing it to the north. The south of Italy seems OK for the moment - hope your father does arrive safely and with minimal hassle!

Greenandpleasanter · 27/02/2020 09:52

Lollygaggles, you'd actually issue an ultimatum, him or me? Or would you just say that you feel you can't make it? It's the ultimatum that's batshit.

sashh · 27/02/2020 09:53

I think you should change your table settings to include thermometers so guests can check before they speak to someone they are healthy, you could add bows and glitter.

Hobbesmanc · 27/02/2020 09:54

Southern Italy is as far away from the quarantine areas as parts of France, Germany etc. The advice is only to self isolate if you have actually visited one of the small communities in quarantine or if you have been anywhere in Northern Italy and have any cold symptoms.

There's no point in trying to change her mind. Just embrace something different and enjoy your day

AryaStarkWolf · 27/02/2020 10:03

Don't allow it to spoil your day OP, congrats to you

billy1966 · 27/02/2020 10:04

She's been extremely rude.
I can imagine its upsetting but I wouldn't entertain a dialogue about it.

The CV is worrying....for the 60+ with lung and breathing problems like asthma.

This is being communicated clearly where I am.

EwwSprouts · 27/02/2020 10:08

If she is immuno compromised for some reason fair enough. Otherwise she's a drama llama. It's already here.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 27/02/2020 10:12

She was very unreasonable to issue an ultimatum.. like you'd pick a friend (and what kind of friend would pull a stunt like this) over your dad? Even if she's a germaphobe, there was no need for these dramatics in the run up to your wedding. You're better off without her and I hope you have a wonderful wedding - she will probably feel very silly when she hears all about your day that she missed out on for no reason. Up to you whether you can move past that in future..

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 27/02/2020 10:18

If she'd framed it as "I'm too scared so I can't come" then I'd say that it was just unfortunate all around, but framing it as "it's me or your dad" takes things straight into arsehole territory, unless you have a truly terrible relationship with your dad that she's spent the last decade talking you through or something.

My stepmother tried to pull something similar but not health related on my dad early in their relationship, and his response was "if you make me choose you won't like the choice I make". Which is pretty much what I'd expect most people to say if asked to choose between someone and their parents/kids.

Hugtheduggee · 27/02/2020 10:25

So, the advice is to self quarantine (if needed) for 2 weeks, he flies out tonight. Perhaps he has a dull couple of weeks self quarantining in the run up to the wedding, and by your wedding day, it'll be pretty certain that he's not a risk.

IVflytrap · 27/02/2020 10:25

If your father is flying tonight and you wedding is in two weeks, then that's plenty of time to see if he comes down with any symptoms. Not that that's massively likely if he's not from an affected area, but still, this shouldn't be a worry for your MOH.

Actually, did your MOH not know that your father is going to be around weeks advance? Two weeks is the amount of time the UK gov are quarantining people from affected areas. If she is aware, it's weird that she's being more cautious than some governments are about people flying from areas that are actually affected.

Wallywobbles · 27/02/2020 10:28

If he's flying I'd think that would massively increase any potential risk. We live in France as far from the Italian border as it's possible to get but both work for institutions with lots of foreigners and we are not that far from being shut down judging by the official emails.

AlternativePerspective · 27/02/2020 10:36

The government are now urging people to get out of hysteria mode. yes, there is some risk, but the media have jumped on an hysterical bandwagon and, as someone said upthread, taken a country’s positive response and turned it into a horror film.

The people who have died have been people suffering from serious other health conditions, not that that is any less tragic for their families but it does mean that most people are not at risk from serious complications,and that some may even have such mild symptoms that they don’t realise they have the virus.

If I were to catch it I am in a high risk category, but apart from avoiding coming into contact with people who actually have it I refuse to put my life on hold. Where does that end?

Aderyn19 · 27/02/2020 10:40

The ultimatum was batshit and not what you'd expect from a best friend. Of course you want your dad to be there. I don't think this friendship will recover and I'm sorry it's marred your day.

sonjadog · 27/02/2020 10:57

Of course you will choose your dad. I hope she looks back and is embarassed by her behaviour over this.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 27/02/2020 11:12

She’s an idiot who needs to get a grip. Congratulations! Have a wonderful day and ignore your weirdo moh Grin