16 year old has been blanking me for years, what should I do?

[Thesesleeplessnightsarethelong]

Would you tolerate your 16 year old DD completely blanking you?

I ask this of mum's. I'm a stepmum, we're not really given much slack on here, but hear me out.

16 year old DSD visits her dad and I under the agreement made by her parents when they split 10 years ago. Slightly under 50/50, five or six nights in every 14.

Mostly her and her dad spend 1 on 1 time together, while I do my own thing, but we occasionally have evenings together and we always sleeps under the same roof.

Unless I speak to her directly she doesn't speak to me AT ALL. When I do try to make conversation, it's usually through a closed door (to her bedroom) or on the rare occasion its face to face she doesn't make eye contact with me. I have tried everything over the years, she's always been a bit distant with me.

After another evening last night of this I'm a little bit at my wits end. Her dad has spoken to her about this, but doesn't want to push it as he doesn't want to upset her. I think he's teaching her that being rude is acceptable.

She has no special needs, is not autistic and has normal healthy relationships with lots of friends.

If this was your own daughter how would you handle this? I'm not her mum, she has a good mum, but even if I was a stranger, this sort of behaviour is not acceptable.

Frankly OP, she is practically an adult, nobody can force her to be nice and polite to you despite you being there for there because I’m sure your life is full of little things you do for her and stop doing so she is ok.

According to this thread, you should keep tolerating a spoiled child who has been treating you like furniture for years. I’m of the idea that even if she cannot change, you can. Stop doing everything you do for her, see her time with her dad as “me time” for you to enjoy doing whatever you please without considering servicing her needs while she is at home. She is almost an adult and she can choose who she want to have eye contact with. You can also choose to stop servicing the needs of such an inconsiderate person, at the end of the day, you are not her mum.

*Shes not a parental figure is she? The sd doesnt talk to her...

So basically op should carry on as normal being ignored in her own home and be a "parental figure" as well?

What an absolute joke.*

OP is a trusted adult in the home. No matter how the child behaves, no decent adult would stop acting like an adult in response.

Surely an adult who demands a show of false respect from a child, must be really extraordinarily pathetic? I would be really embarrassed to find myself pouting about such a thing...

I can't imagine seeing this situation for anything other than what it is - a child trying to retain a little dignity and power in a situation in which she has little control. Pity the kid, leave her be and get on with your life ffs.

Id be more embarrassed to be so lacking in empathy and imagination.

And you appear to lack it with regard to a child.

his 16yo has made a conscious choice to treat op like shit.

Did she? Firstly, you have no idea what conscious choices anyone has made. The kid might just not know what to do, be in a habit, feel awkward as fuck and have very few tools in her toolbox, to know how to change without feeling she is losing what little control she has.

Secondly, she just doesn't want to talk to OP! Is that really so massively upsetting? The child speaks when she's spoken to and gets on with it. If that's "treating someone like shit" then I'm not sure how you get through a normal day!

Again, I would be asking myself why I need a 16yo to pretend to like me It's clear the girl doesn't like her, and she's allowed to not like her... it's not that important. It's just life.

Sounds like she doesn’t like you but is being civil. You say she speaks to you when spoken to so that’s not blanking you is it? The thing is she may dislike you for a variety of reasons, none of which we know, and if that’s the case you can’t force someone to like you. She didn’t choose you, her dad did. When she has time with her dad, just take that as an opportunity to do your own thing.

Unless I speak to her directly she doesn't speak to me AT ALL. When I do try to make conversation, it's usually through a closed door (to her bedroom) or on the rare occasion its face to face she doesn't make eye contact with me. I have tried everything over the years, she's always been a bit distant with me.

That's it. That's the complaint.

A 16 yo who is in the home less than half of the time (OP says 5-6 nights per fortnight)... who speaks when she is spoken to.

She doesn't ignore the op - she just doesn't make conversation and is distant.

If it were me, I would probably find it a shame, possibly a bit annoying or sad, but surely one would just try to accept the child as she is?

What's the alternative? Dad tells child off, "you must look your SM in the eye! Make conversation with her!" I mean how absurd. Why not just leave it and get on with your life. To be "at your wits' end" etc. over the lack of interest/enthusiasm of a 16yo sounds more than a little pathetic surely?

Rvby - saying OP is pathetic is uncalled for.
Where is your empathy?

Living like that must be pretty hard.

My DSis has been a very good stepmum to her DSS, and she genuinely loves him as much as the 3 DC she and her DH have together
(2 bio DC and an adopted DS). She was his main carer when he was a teenager, as his dad was the resident parent because his mum moved away with her new partner.

She managed it by developing a cordial relationship with his mum, so that when he tried to play them against each other they both saw through it and backed each other up.

Also my DSis never interfered in parental decisions, she left that to his parents. But she was no pushover either; for example, his dad hadn't wanted to put his foot down over food issues and as a result her DSS wouldn't eat veg at all. My DSis gradually changed this.

Now she has a very good relationship with him at 22 and he has 2 small DC who she acts as another Grandma to.

So it can work. But in the OP's case, it sounds like she's trying too hard, and too late in the day, after years of taking no interest (it might well be that that's how it came across to her DSD).

It might well be easier once she and her DSD relate to each other as adults.

Have you tried going on outings together? Shopping, salon, paint nights, go out fo lunch, concert or film or event she maybe interested in?

I wasn't calling OP pathetic. "Being at your wit's end" is a response, not a character trait - and I would characterize that response, in this context, as a bit pathetic. She has the power to change her response - it's not a death sentence, she has many choices in this situation.

If that makes me unempathetic to her, fair dos I suppose. I am more concerned for the child, who has far fewer choices in this situation and for whom, I'm sure, the stakes feel much higher.

Shes 16, its her home and shes a child.

Isnt it obvious?! "She's not forced to stay there". Well unless you're turfing a child out of her home she kind of is.

My Stepchildren are thoroughly despicable. They lie, steal and manipulate their father. They are not welcome and therefore do not come to my home.

It's clear the girl doesn't like her, and she's allowed to not like her... it's not that important. It's just life

Of course it's important, she's the daughter of OP's partner and spends a significant chunk of time in OP's home. Daughter has a good relationship with her Dad and is choosing to exclude the OP from that - how could it be anything other than hurtful?

Doesn't mean there's anything OP or DSD can do to change it now but it's ridiculous for pp to try to be so blase about something they would hate to be on the receiving of.

Her dad has spoken to her about this, but doesn't want to push it as he doesn't want to upset her
You have to make the point that you are upset.
Mostly her and her dad spend 1 on 1 time together, while I do my own thing
That's weird. It's not how 16 y.o. behave. They hang out with friends, do homework, go to activities, stay in their bedroom. They don't spend that much time with their parents. Does she spend that much time with her mother when she is at the other house?
I think that it's fair for you to say "either I'm included or she spends less time here". What sort of relationship have you got if your DP spends half his time effectively ignoring you? Perhaps you should start blanking him on the nights when DD isn't there (when it's just the two of you) and see how he likes it - he might understand then.

I think that it's fair for you to say "either I'm included or she spends less time here

😂😂😂😂

Yeah... I can imagine my response to that if dh has said that about dd1.