16 year old has been blanking me for years, what should I do?

[Thesesleeplessnightsarethelong]

Would you tolerate your 16 year old DD completely blanking you?

I ask this of mum's. I'm a stepmum, we're not really given much slack on here, but hear me out.

16 year old DSD visits her dad and I under the agreement made by her parents when they split 10 years ago. Slightly under 50/50, five or six nights in every 14.

Mostly her and her dad spend 1 on 1 time together, while I do my own thing, but we occasionally have evenings together and we always sleeps under the same roof.

Unless I speak to her directly she doesn't speak to me AT ALL. When I do try to make conversation, it's usually through a closed door (to her bedroom) or on the rare occasion its face to face she doesn't make eye contact with me. I have tried everything over the years, she's always been a bit distant with me.

After another evening last night of this I'm a little bit at my wits end. Her dad has spoken to her about this, but doesn't want to push it as he doesn't want to upset her. I think he's teaching her that being rude is acceptable.

She has no special needs, is not autistic and has normal healthy relationships with lots of friends.

If this was your own daughter how would you handle this? I'm not her mum, she has a good mum, but even if I was a stranger, this sort of behaviour is not acceptable.

you do realise that your private home was your step mothers home too?
Of course; read it again. I was describing how, even though I rationally knew it was all perfectly sensible for her to be there, I didn't like it, irrationally.

How about we stop forcing kids to squash how they feel so adults don’t feel put out or unliked

Orrrr....how about we stop allowing children/young adults to behave however the fuck they like and grow up to be entitled and rude, arrogant wankers? 16 is certainly old enough to know better.

Bagofoldbones if you truly believe that you can't use manners and social responses and be boundaries and true to your feelings then to be honest you don't understand social skills.

I'm passionate about my DC being able to Express their opinion and recognise and Express their feelings and thoughts , that's not the same thing as being rude.

A huge life skill is being able to be assertive and boundaries whilst not being aggressive . So if you think assertive polite behaviour is squashing feelings then possibly look into assertive behaviour. It may help.

I'm known for my boundaries and the fact that I will not do something I don't wish to do, outside of care based issues like hygiene and nutrition I apply the same to my DC.

However that is not the same as ignoring all polite social conventions ..... it's a more subtle more powerful skill to be able to achieve what you want without breaking convention. Convention is useful it allows you to communicate with others in a paradigm all people understand. Only the ignorant think they need to break the paradigm to achieve what they want, the more capable are able to use it to achieve their goal.

I bet she does know it's rude, really, but tbh, teenagers are universally known for being mardy, and her rudeness has been accepted as normal for 2 years, so she thinks it's not that bad, or is justified because of teenage angst.

Only the ignorant think they need to break the paradigm to achieve what they want, the more capable are able to use it to achieve their goal.
This teenager is very capably using the paradigm of mardy teenagers to achieve her goal of not having to talk to her sm

we need to stop making excuses as to why this is ok
I'm not; I'm saying that she is, to herself, see what I mean?

Seems that every time you point out someone else's possible logic or way of thinking on here someone mistakes it for your own logic ...

But she wasn’t always 16 and a “mardy teenager”! At some point she was a little girl and then an older child and at all stages she has been allowed to get away with it!

As a society we need to stop making excuses for rude entitled behaviour.
Trouble is that we are all, sometimes, at least a tiny bit rude and entitled!

this is a young adult.. she's 16 FFS... she's being rewarded for being an ignorant 16 year old... and has been rewarded for 10 years.. and she has learned that his ignorant behaviour is an accepted method of communication.. this is an awful situation.. and one which needs Dads intervention.. OP really shouldn't be considering taking her shopping to reward her further.. jesus.. plus... it's takes a lot of angry energy to ignore someone in the same house.. for TEN YEARS 🙄

I also didn't say "you", @sendhelpppppp

Treat her the exact same way op. Dont make any extra effort with her and let her carry on. Dont go out of your way trying to win her. She is rude and she knows it. Why should you just accept it?

I'm a full time step mum of a 17 year old girl (since she was 6) and also mum to a son of the same age. Being a step mum is often not easy for all sorts of complex reasons. Just wondering OP if you've read a book called 'Stepmonster' by Wednesday Martin? It really helped me understand the 'blanking' which can be pretty soul destroying when it's 24/7 in your home. Hang on in there x

@sendhelpppppp You are more optimistic than me ... and no, I'm not always super polite, and am sometimes accidentally selfish.

I was going to post a long reply, but @Bagofoldbones has nailed it. I won't make eye contact with people I don't like or particularly want to interact with, I won't be friends with someone to keep the peace.
Although you weren't the OW, and I know a year passed, how quickly were you introduced and part of her life? What is her relationship like with her dad one on one?

She answers you with the minimal- that to me is not actually rude but cordial and civil albeit the minimum.
I hated my step mum (but she was the OW so my attitude was fair game quite frankly) and my step dad I get on with well and he gave me away but I don't particularly want to spend one on one with him either. He's my mums choice, not mine, I'll be friendly and he's my kids grandad but really not much more. I think at 16 after 10 years personally I would be accepting you are never going to be friends and not to force it. Personalities clash and sometimes there's a reason why someone really can't warm to someone else.

@sendhelpppppp Ah, you see, that'll be the difference; I want my children to grow up rude and entitled.