16 year old has been blanking me for years, what should I do?

[Thesesleeplessnightsarethelong]

Would you tolerate your 16 year old DD completely blanking you?

I ask this of mum's. I'm a stepmum, we're not really given much slack on here, but hear me out.

16 year old DSD visits her dad and I under the agreement made by her parents when they split 10 years ago. Slightly under 50/50, five or six nights in every 14.

Mostly her and her dad spend 1 on 1 time together, while I do my own thing, but we occasionally have evenings together and we always sleeps under the same roof.

Unless I speak to her directly she doesn't speak to me AT ALL. When I do try to make conversation, it's usually through a closed door (to her bedroom) or on the rare occasion its face to face she doesn't make eye contact with me. I have tried everything over the years, she's always been a bit distant with me.

After another evening last night of this I'm a little bit at my wits end. Her dad has spoken to her about this, but doesn't want to push it as he doesn't want to upset her. I think he's teaching her that being rude is acceptable.

She has no special needs, is not autistic and has normal healthy relationships with lots of friends.

If this was your own daughter how would you handle this? I'm not her mum, she has a good mum, but even if I was a stranger, this sort of behaviour is not acceptable.

The thing is she may dislike you for a variety of reasons, none of which we know, and if that’s the case you can’t force someone to like you. She didn’t choose you, her dad did.

Bollocks. I didn’t choose my boss, my colleagues, my classmates or even my mother. I still need to be nice, kind and inclusive regardless of how little I like some of them. Law of life unless she is supposed to become a hermit.

My ex partners kids were adorable, they were just boisterous kids, full of life who ended up misbehaving at points or fighting with the world or each other. Normal kids, normal situation. I loved them more than I loved their dad.

My current partner’s kids are exactly the opposite, entitled, rude and manipulative. There’s no way to please them, they look at us like shit on their shoes. I’m pretty sure is not personal, they are vile to ANYONE who doesn’t deliver what they want straight away.

The difference between both sets of kids is that the first set of siblings have parents who are prepared to fight the battles to turn them into sensible considerate individuals. The second set... lousy parenting skills.

Sendhelppp she’s been living with her dad. Why should she be pushed out by his partner. She’s choosing to stay cordial and out of her way. Which is the best way forward. Why should she be deprived of living with her father?

There are issues between them but Op won’t tell us what. That’s an important factor.

She lives between two homes. Her mother home and her fathers home. And has done for years. I don’t see why your failing to grasp that. Are you saying this child doesn’t have a home? Because the circumstances are the same for her mothers house. Are you saying she doesn’t live there either?

And no the OP doesn’t have a say in whether the the daughter lives with her father - she just doesn’t.

The child was there before OP she will always come first till she is an adult and rightly so. That’s what happens when you get involved with a man that has children.

The OP needs to make a decision to move on or leave her be.

The child was there before OP she will always come first till she is an adult and rightly so.
There's a difference between "putting someone first" and "excluding everyone else". He could make his DD feel special without making his DP feel like dirt.
The child was there before OP
Would you spend all your time on a 1-2-1 with DC1 to the exclusion of DC2? After all, DC1 was there before DC2.
The DP needs to have the DC's back, yes, but not to the extent that he is excluding OP.

The child was there before OP she will always come first till she is an adult and rightly so. That’s what happens when you get involved with a man that has children.

These comments are rife on threads that written by step mums. I have NEVER NEVER said I want to come first, I believe my husband needs to look after his child appropriately. It is NOT A COMPETITION!!!!! Senseless insane and thoughtless posting from bitter ex wives.

So the child is rude to me, but I have to leave my husband because of that because I'm a stepmother with no right to have feelings!

@Fiberoptic I've now returned to the thread, clearly you had an issue with me having other things to do!!!

You are a nasty piece of work, just because @sendhelpppppp has been supportive throughout you think she's me??

None, yes none of your comments are helpful, you're a spiteful poster, I actually think you're probably my husband's bloody ex that we can't get rid of!

For all those claiming there's obviously a back story to this. There isn't! Other than the fact that I exist in her world.

To the bitter ex wives advising me I have to leave, I won't be leaving my husband who I love dearly because his daughter is rude. It's just not happening. She's 16, she'll be an adult soon enough, I've put up with it for 10 years, I can do it for another 2 or 3. Hopefully soon she'll have better things to do than visit us.

As always, this thread has turned into a stepmother bashing session. I won't be contributing anymore, not because I've flounced, but because it's not constructive and giving the bitter women what they want will only encourage them.

I can't stand my stepmother of 30 years. She's been with my dad since I was 10, and I have never liked her, and I get on well with most people. My siblings have a similar relationship with her.

However, my dad deserves a wife and to live his life as he pleases, so although it does limit our contact, it's none of our business so we are polite and civil to her, but there is no relationship there.

So, to conclude, your relationship may never improve (and I'm pretty sure I was at my most sullen in the teen years), but you're in a long term relationship and your step daughter needs to just accept that and get on with it.

So the child is rude to me, but I have to leave my husband because of that because I'm a stepmother with no right to have feelings

Your husband supports his Dd. Where do you go from here?

I’m not a bitter ex wife. I’m still happily married

Lots of rage in that post towards ex wives. Maybe your partners dd can read it off you ...

Little you can realistically do without stirring up conflict between you land your DH about how he manages her attitude, which woukd benefit nobody and might delight DSD.

If she's 16 now, the end is in sight. She isn't mouthy or rude and it doesn't sound as if she's trashing your house, so I'd be inclined to hunker down and wait this one out. Be very sure that you aren't positioned as a slave for her, so don't be doing her laundry or cleaning her room. She can do that or her DF can. If you're in the habit of stripping and remaking her bed or collecting her towels, just quietly stop. Leave it as she leaves it. Presumably she can find the linen cupboard and work the washing machine.

Once she's 18, you can be involved in how often and under what circumstances she visits you. As an adult, she'll need to make herself pleasant in order to be welcomed, and it's worth putting that expectation out there for your DH now so he has time to get used to it!

Once she has a romantic interest in her life, she's likely to spend less time in your house anyway, but be prepared to put your foot down firmly if she waltzes in with a boy/girlfriend and expects you to host them both.

And no the OP doesn’t have a say in whether the the daughter lives with her father - she just doesn’t

But OP willingly entered a situation where the SD would be living with her alot of the time and she voluntarily remains in that situation. The SD had no choice to enter into or remain in that situation.

OP if my DD was blanking me my question wouldn't be whether I "tolerate" it. I would be deeply concerned for our relationship or for my DD's mental health because it would suggest our loving relationship had completely broken down.

It doesn't sound like the SD is rude to you OP. It sounds like she doesn't want a relationship with you for whatever reason. Of course you can't force her to like you or get to know you. She has to live between two homes which she probably hates. She has to share one of her homes with a new person she had no say over and might just not like. She's exercising some control. You had a choice to start a life with DH, DH had a choice, SD did not.

not when she was 6 no, but at 16, considering she has 2 homes and can live in either, she does have a choice, doesn't she?

What a nasty comment! So she should give up her dad? Or be forced to form a relationship with his wife?

not when she was 6 no, but at 16, considering she has 2 homes and can live in either, she does have a choice, doesn't she?

Why should she have to? She doesn't want to engage with OP and that's her right - she shouldn't have to give up her home with her dad. OP doesn't have to give up her home either - she just can't dictate how her SD feels about her.

Bloody hell some of these responses are barmy I think there are more very bitter step mums than ex wives based on this thread. Of course the SD doesn't have to have any kind of relationship with the SM if she doesn't want to - how could you force her and why would you want to? You can expect basic manners (which it sounds like you have - she answers questions you ask etc) and consideration (not making a mess around the house etc) and you can hope for some genuine relationship but you can't demand it. She may just not like you or not like the situation. Either way it's unfortunate but little you can do.

Dealing with people you dont like is very hard, most people most of the time can be polite at least BUT for her the person she doesnt like is her step mum, your living under the same roof as her Dad. You want to make the effort but unfortunately you cant and shouldnt force it, this will just breed even more negative feelings.
Just keep it brief and polite and accept that its not going to happen at least shes not kicking of with you and trying to split you up etc. If shes accepted the situation but doesnt like it will speak when spoken to to be polite then this might be the best youll get, like I say she could be behaving an awful lot worse.

I think the mistake you made early on was in being too uninvolved. Your DSD was 6 years old, stepmums of young children do need to play a part in looking after them if they want to create a bond with them. Not the decisions regarding their upbringing, but in the day to day life of a child, for example school run, clothes and hair. That's why my DSis has a good bond with her DSS. She isn't his mum and has never tried to be, and he calls her by her first name. But she was very much involved in his life and has reaped the rewards now.

The clue is in the word 'stepmum'. You've acted more like a marginally interested aunt. You can't now hope to bond with her now she's a teenager with raging hormones.

You were right to let your DH have one to one time with her, but there should also have been family activities like board games, walks, visits to National Trust properties etc. (Apologies if that isn't how it was but it was the impression I got from your opening post. If that is the case, she will very likely think that you weren't interested in her before now.)