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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Oh no, it's her

200 replies

OhffsHelp · 25/02/2020 15:12

Name change as lots of details.

So I have an ex, it was a very immature relationship that happend when I was in my late teens and he was early 20's. We'd only been together a handful of months when he suggested we get engaged and made noises about trying for a baby. I was understandably freaked out and dumped him.

But ex had a friend, we'll call her Jess. Jess was very controlling with ex. She'd insist he came on drives with her when we were having date nights. She'd turn up at his house and demand he came outside for a smoke, while I was sleeping over. And she was obsessed with telling him I was jealous of their relationship, honestly I didn't give two hoots. When we broke up ex implied they had been sleeping together the whole time, which wasn't surprising.

But anyway, we broke up, moved on. A few years have passed, but...

Jess is currently moving in next door to me as we speak Shock
I don't think she knows I live here, I'm slightly panicking and having visions of her snearing at me anytime I take the bins out in my PJs. Or judging me through the window as I'm unattractively gardening. If she's still friends with ex, no doubt he'll be there all the time too, maybe they're a couple and he'll be moving in too.

Please tell me I'm being ridiculous and she won't recognise or care about me!

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 25/02/2020 23:43

I would just be nice to her - welcome her, ask what she’s been up to, say it’s nice to see her again and hope she settles in well, and then get on with your day. That is indifference - not ignoring her or dreading meeting her. If she brings up anything just laugh and say it feels like a lifetime ago now.

LellyMcKelly · 25/02/2020 23:45

Sorry - pushes Send early - you may have to live next to her for a long time. Just be cordial. You don’t know what else went on in their relationship - he may have been stringing her along and been nasty about you behind your back. Just be smiley, pleasant and reasonably distant.

TheresGonnaBeARain · 25/02/2020 23:59

@LadyMonicaBaddingham 😂😂😂

Fiveletters · 26/02/2020 00:06

I’d hate to be in this situation and not be brave enough to brazenly pretend to have forgotten her name.

In a different (but not massively so) situation with one of my son’s teachers recently I think we both just pretended that we didn’t already know the other.

Ozgirl75 · 26/02/2020 00:17

I managed to pull off an amazing “mild recognition” once. A guy I had been at school with who hadn’t bullied me, but had been kind of an asshole, general annoying remarks etc. I ended up doing a summer job about 4 years later and he worked there. He was all like “ooo look who’s here!” And I managed a friendly but slightly unrecognising “oh hi, it’s Kyle right? From school?” when in actual fact his name was not Kyle, but a similar sounding name.

Wind was taken out of his sails. He actually turned out to be not such an asshat, as I suppose people do grow up, but the look on his face when he thought I couldn’t quite place him was something I revisit sometimes as a moment of absolute glory.

LolaDarkdestroyer · 26/02/2020 00:31

How wound she not have a clue you lived there? Do you live with anyone?.... that's gonna be awkward as fuck. For both of you she sounds like al bitch plus she snagged your bloke, just become the neighbour from hell. She might fuck off. But if she still is with him it will wind her up more having to see you everyday.

LolaDarkdestroyer · 26/02/2020 00:31

Shagged even

64sNewName · 26/02/2020 08:38

why would so many people pretend not to remember her?

Because there's nothing so insulting as complete indifference.

That’s not indifference, though, if you’re faking your reaction. It’s just game-playing, which people usually see through and it ends up inadvertently sending the opposite message: “I’m out of my depth here and making an effort with a performance” - and you end up looking really silly.

It’ll be a lot better if you do recognise her and genuinely aren’t particularly fussed. Honestly, unless there’s more back story, there is no big deal here. She was the twat, not you. Confused

TeapotCollection · 26/02/2020 11:30

Approach her looking puzzled and say “I think I’ve seen you somewhere before, did you used to teach at

Joking of course...

ButterbuttSquash · 26/02/2020 11:35

I would be pretending I don’t recognise her. I’m a pro at this these days!

chineseny · 26/02/2020 11:38

Over invested in this one...

Frothybothie · 26/02/2020 11:43

What are (both) your circusmstances? If you are a Chartered accountant or lawyer and she is shoveling shit and sawdust then its frightfully wrong to go "H A HA " but very satisfying.

billy1966 · 26/02/2020 11:49

OP, definitely vaguely recognise with a similar name and be extremely disinterested in catching up.

Do NOT entertain her in any way bar a polite saluting.

You know EXACTLY what she is like...no need to go there.

makingmammaries · 26/02/2020 18:51

Do you have a patio, OP?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/02/2020 19:18

mammaries

Grin
MulticolourMophead · 26/02/2020 19:39

People can usually see right through someone pretending not to recognise them, and therefore this actually screams to the other person that yes, you do care, an awful lot. Doing this will give them the heads up that you are still affected by them, it's giving them a power over you that they don't deserve.

Real indifference is acknowledging who that person is, and just being civil enough, such as a hello, and nothing else.

SisterAgatha · 26/02/2020 19:45

I hope you’ve got a big fence!

CoraPirbright · 26/02/2020 19:49

But she behaved appallingly!! If anyone should be sneering, its YOU!! Why do you feel awkward - she behaved like a fucking psycho during your time with the boyfriend!! The feelings you should be having are, in this order, mild-to-moderate irritation followed by pity as she clearly was Having A Bad Time when you last knew her.

Daphine2004 · 26/02/2020 19:59

I hardly see any of my neighbours that often. If you do just say hi and continue on your day. She may recognise you, so I’d genuinely be polite and crack on with your life whilst perusing Rightmove... 😅

SisterAgatha · 26/02/2020 21:00

CoraPirbright, the ones who behave appallingly are never the ones to cringe. That’s what makes them so appalling, they have no embarrassment or shame!

BoudoirPink · 26/02/2020 21:06

Well, yes, @SisterAgatha, but I agree with @CoraPirbright that the OP reads as if she herself had been the offender rather than the victim!

SisterAgatha · 26/02/2020 21:20

Yes... i also agree with the OP not being guilty of anything. I’m saying that awful people don’t ever see themselves as guilty or wrong and so Jess will probably wander about her new house like she gives no shits.

PeepeeDarling · 28/02/2020 16:25

Any update op?

OhffsHelp · 28/02/2020 17:51

Nope sorry! I'll update if we meet, but have been too busy to even notice anyone coming or going. Hope it stays this way 🙂

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 29/02/2020 14:34

poor you OP... I agree that you should take the moral high ground 🌺

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