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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oh no, it's her

200 replies

OhffsHelp · 25/02/2020 15:12

Name change as lots of details.

So I have an ex, it was a very immature relationship that happend when I was in my late teens and he was early 20's. We'd only been together a handful of months when he suggested we get engaged and made noises about trying for a baby. I was understandably freaked out and dumped him.

But ex had a friend, we'll call her Jess. Jess was very controlling with ex. She'd insist he came on drives with her when we were having date nights. She'd turn up at his house and demand he came outside for a smoke, while I was sleeping over. And she was obsessed with telling him I was jealous of their relationship, honestly I didn't give two hoots. When we broke up ex implied they had been sleeping together the whole time, which wasn't surprising.

But anyway, we broke up, moved on. A few years have passed, but...

Jess is currently moving in next door to me as we speak Shock
I don't think she knows I live here, I'm slightly panicking and having visions of her snearing at me anytime I take the bins out in my PJs. Or judging me through the window as I'm unattractively gardening. If she's still friends with ex, no doubt he'll be there all the time too, maybe they're a couple and he'll be moving in too.

Please tell me I'm being ridiculous and she won't recognise or care about me!

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 25/02/2020 15:46

Be polite yet ignorant of you she is. Make her explain in excruciating detail who she is.
And then just nod bemusedly.

Crush her!!

Kirksutherland · 25/02/2020 15:46

Oh god! That's so awkward. You just have to brazen it out, pretend not to recognise her.

FredaFrogspawn · 25/02/2020 15:47

I’d go with taking flowers and wine round to welcome her and totally ignore that you knew her before. Don’t even allude to it. Reinvent the past. And be friendly when you see her but no more.

Ouchaheadinmybehind · 25/02/2020 15:48

Say something like, "It's so weird. I'm sure we've met before, but I just can't place you..." Then when she tells you, you can grimace and be "Of course! Goodness me, I had a lucky escape there..!"

^yes!
Although in you shoes I would be sneaking out of my house praying she never sees me

Trogga · 25/02/2020 15:48

You have one option and one option only: pretend you just don't recognise her. And, when you inevitably speak, she says, 'you know,

whatareyoucooking · 25/02/2020 15:49

Omg totally not place marking for the inevitable drama Grin

Trogga · 25/02/2020 15:49

Say something like, "It's so weird. I'm sure we've met before, but I just can't place you..." Then when she tells you, you can grimace and be "Of course! Goodness me, I had a lucky escape there..!"

Ooooh this is better!

gavisconismyfriend · 25/02/2020 15:50

Agree with PP - the way forward is to style this out. A cheery hello and sail on by, leaving her wondering just what happened. Never engage in attempts to talk about the past - “oh that was so long ago, ancient history” etc and just rise above it all. My ex and his new GF moved into the same block as me for a while, a long time ago, I used to go in and out v cautiously trying to avoid them and it must have been pretty obvious, albeit unintentionally so. I’d love to hear you managed it better than me!

Jellybeansincognito · 25/02/2020 15:51

Wait... is she moving in with your ex?

Nowayorhighway · 25/02/2020 15:51

I’d honestly pretend not to have a clue who she is. I rarely see our neighbours if I’m being honest, only occasionally if we are leaving the house at the same time but it doesn’t happen often. There’s every chance you’ll be able to avoid her.

Devlesko · 25/02/2020 15:52

Are they even still together? 3 years is a long time, he may have had his eyes opened as to how controlling she is. If he still likes more than one at a time, they're likely to have parted ways by now.

I'd just get on with my life and speak if she speaks.

TARSCOUT · 25/02/2020 15:54

God no, that's a nightmare. I vote for burning the house down too! If however, you don't feel you can do that then, as other posters have said, I'd front it out and make a point of speaking first. Hi Jess, long time no see. Welcome to the street! Must go, late for work, pick up kids, meeting a friend...............Good luck!

nibdedibble · 25/02/2020 15:54

You can only pretend that none of it happened and that she is a stranger to you.

Or, like I did when I met someone after 15 years who can only have known quite awful things about me (student-era shagging around stories): just shrug and say "Strange times, strange times" and then pretend everything's fine. Grin

canithrottlesomeppl · 25/02/2020 15:55

Dye your hair, wear a hat and change your name lol.

Winterlife · 25/02/2020 15:55

I would also pretend I don’t know who she is. No need for awkwardness. You didn’t do anything to be ashamed of.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 25/02/2020 15:56

Have you ever seen single white female OP? Grin

viques · 25/02/2020 15:57

I think Lady Monica has it (especially if they are still together). Grin

I would also nip any overtures of friendship in the bud as you know she can be very needy and demanding. Keep it to a borrowing cups of sugar neighbourliness and it should be ok, not fine, but ok.

Kimbaland · 25/02/2020 15:59

Pretend not to know her. That is gonna BURN!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/02/2020 15:59

She might recognise you but that doesn't mean that you have to "recognise" her!
Just pretend you don't!

And then be totally uninterested if she says anything about your ex, and say "who? Oh him, well that was a long time ago now".

Just don't give her any fuel at all.

LonginesPrime · 25/02/2020 16:01

I agree that pretending not to recognise her is the most delicious best approach.

FlorencesHunger · 25/02/2020 16:03

Definitely awkward. I had something similar where a girl who had been talking behind my back and I had warned her off, then I moved a little further away. About a year later she moved next door to me.

I just went with the ignore her existence stance, no cross words or polite words. It worked and we are cordial at best a few years on and our kids sometime play together.

As long as she doesn't try and be a pain it will work out. If you show how unbothered you are then she has nothing to go on.

lilyheather1 · 25/02/2020 16:03

Play it cool and let HER be the one to stress about it. She's probably properly embarrassed about her past behavior! This has made my day though, thank you for posting OP 😁

AryaStarkWolf · 25/02/2020 16:04

On serious note though yeah i would just pretend you had no idea who she is and if she reminds you barely remember the ex and still have no recollection of her

TulipsTwoLips · 25/02/2020 16:05

She may well still care about you and the situation, but it's your choice if you care about her!

Get in you head all the reasons you have moved on and remember that every time you see her.

ScrambledSmegs · 25/02/2020 16:06

Really, don't try anything that will just come across as fake. You weren't friends so you don't have to be friendly - polite neutrality is best. If you see her when she moves on then stick to the basics, ie "Hello, welcome to the street, bin collection day is X," if you want to be neighbourly.

If she does anything weird then that's her problem.