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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Oh no, it's her

200 replies

OhffsHelp · 25/02/2020 15:12

Name change as lots of details.

So I have an ex, it was a very immature relationship that happend when I was in my late teens and he was early 20's. We'd only been together a handful of months when he suggested we get engaged and made noises about trying for a baby. I was understandably freaked out and dumped him.

But ex had a friend, we'll call her Jess. Jess was very controlling with ex. She'd insist he came on drives with her when we were having date nights. She'd turn up at his house and demand he came outside for a smoke, while I was sleeping over. And she was obsessed with telling him I was jealous of their relationship, honestly I didn't give two hoots. When we broke up ex implied they had been sleeping together the whole time, which wasn't surprising.

But anyway, we broke up, moved on. A few years have passed, but...

Jess is currently moving in next door to me as we speak Shock
I don't think she knows I live here, I'm slightly panicking and having visions of her snearing at me anytime I take the bins out in my PJs. Or judging me through the window as I'm unattractively gardening. If she's still friends with ex, no doubt he'll be there all the time too, maybe they're a couple and he'll be moving in too.

Please tell me I'm being ridiculous and she won't recognise or care about me!

OP posts:
boiseidaho · 25/02/2020 17:00

God, I would hate this. Actually I think I'd hate anybody I know to move in literally next door to me, let alone someone I had negative history with.

Three years isn't long enough ago for you to get away with pretending you don't know her. If she's still a bitch, she'd probably love thinking you were still stewing over the past. I think polite, neutral recognition when you come face to face is the only sensible way to go. She'll remember you, you remember her, there's no reason to refer to any past history. Hopefully she'll have grown up a bit, be a bit embarrassed and keen to not cause any trouble.

OhffsHelp · 25/02/2020 17:05

I'll clutch them straws with you @pinkyredrose Maybe she's just helping a friend, a friend she owed a favour, but secretly doesn't like very much. And she will rarely, if ever, visit this friend in her new house. Grin

OP posts:
SnoozyLou · 25/02/2020 17:08

I agree with the others. Feign ignorance, and let her introduce herself. Second time you bump into her, ask her name again. From then onwards, start calling her Jen.

dudsville · 25/02/2020 17:08

That's terrible. I'd hate that!

pinkyredrose · 25/02/2020 17:12

@OhffsHelp maybe she's now employed as a professional house mover (optimistic that's me)

64sNewName · 25/02/2020 17:13

I still don’t get why it matters! It sounds like behaved ridiculously/embarrassingly, but you didn’t - so why would you feel so awkward?

And why would so many people pretend not to remember her?

Genuinely perplexed!

Diverseopinions · 25/02/2020 17:14

This could work out ok. If Jess has moved on and regrets being a bit egocentric and childish in the past, she might be inwardly grateful that you are being pleasant and polite - albeit sparing with your time for her, of course. She might think 'Phew, I swerved a nasty situation there!'. And 'I admire that lady's dignity'. She might be inclined to look out for you as a neighbour in return for the favour.

64sNewName · 25/02/2020 17:14

Sorry, I’m awful for typos today. I meant it sounds like she behaved ridiculously (but you didn’t)

AmelieTaylor · 25/02/2020 17:15

I really wouldn’t try any if the ‘not remembering her’ type suggestions. Unless it comes naturally (& is net my car it doesn’t!! Or you wouldn’t be in here!) you’ll just look like it REALLY bothers you & you’re trying too hard to not let it.

Personally I have a resting bitch face these days & myneyesughts not what it was, so I can easily pull off the ‘Who the fuck are you’ scowl face (without trying!! 🤣). But I’m guessing that’s not the case for you, as you still have youth on your side.

So you should just go for the casual
‘hi’ when you see her.

Let us know how it goes & obviously whether he’s still on the scene or not.

I’d have have a friend facebook stalking by now!

DartmoorDoughnut · 25/02/2020 17:15

Liking the suggestions up thread of basically pretending you completely forgot about her and your ex. Then smile and exchange pleasantries but do not let her over the threshold!

AryaStarkWolf · 25/02/2020 17:16

I agree with the others. Feign ignorance, and let her introduce herself. Second time you bump into her, ask her name again. From then onwards, start calling her Jen.

bahahahahaha genius or just keep changing the name you call her, Jen, Jan, Jo, Jill......... Grin

mencken · 25/02/2020 17:17

sounds like she did you a favour by getting rid of your awful ex for you. If they are a couple, then you know how bad it is. Awkward, but just smile and wave.

and if she hasn't grown out of the playground and still behaves like this, just be as rude as you like.

greasyspooncafe · 25/02/2020 17:18

How do you even know it's her moving in next door?

Ohyesiam · 25/02/2020 17:21

When she confesses that she was sleeping with your ex even you were seeing him, smile and say

“ yes I remember. It really helped take the heat off my relationship with him. Otherwise he could be so intense”

I did similar to an ex who was confessing to he smug. I loved the look on his face.

SnoozyLou · 25/02/2020 17:22

bahahahahaha genius or just keep changing the name you call her, Jen, Jan, Jo, Jill.........

Even better! Grin

ChoporNot · 25/02/2020 17:23

Say something like, "It's so weird. I'm sure we've met before, but I just can't place you..." Then when she tells you, you can grimace and be "Of course! Goodness me, I had a lucky escape there..!"

Yes, this. Totally.

1Morewineplease · 25/02/2020 17:26

Oh how awkward! I’d be mortified.
However I really like @TeapotCollection ‘s advice.

DanglySpider · 25/02/2020 17:27

HTRTWH, but move. I once lived in a block of flats, with a crazy neighbour below me. I moved, she moved to the same neighbourhood to the extent that I generally see her most times I go to the local shops. It's not the end of the world, but it's still not great. God knows what it would be like if she lived next door. And the whole 'friend of an ex' thing, yes, had that too - and on the few occasions I've bumped into them it's also not been the most pleasant situation in the world, so yes. Move.

1Morewineplease · 25/02/2020 17:28

I’ve just read @ChoporNot ‘s advice.. excellent too!

SoupDragon · 25/02/2020 17:30

HTRTWH

What does that mean? Google didn't help 😂

CrysantheMummy · 25/02/2020 17:35

Don't move house for her, she doesn't own your life! Maybe you will see that her bad actions are coming back to bite her and that her life sucks! Grin

unlikelytobe · 25/02/2020 17:36

Awks!

Well, totally weird if it's nutty Jess and your ex living next door now. How high is your fence/hedge?!

Not sure she will be convinced by you pretending you don't know her but don't hide - seize the upper hand! Act super confident and breezy at all times and never leave the house looking anything but fabulous with a hunk on your arm......No pressure.

SuperlativeScrubs · 25/02/2020 17:37

As someone who was clearly jealous of you being with you ex, she will be far more seething and awkward feeling about this than you are.

Revel in it secretly and act like you have no idea who she is. That will really piss her off Grin

rwalker · 25/02/2020 17:37

Absolutely bold as brass when you speak to her and if she refers to anything in past just say god life time ago well moved on.

Notimeforaname · 25/02/2020 17:39

Love the calling her a different name suggestion Grin

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