To think most women tolerate sex to keep their relationships

[penelopepitstopsgain]

I don't doubt there are many women, who enjoy the physical side of their relationships but I've spoken to so many who would rather just have a cuddle and a good book but submit, for want of a better word, to their partner for fear they'll stray or see it as their obligation- even I find that sometimes I really can't be bothered and lie to my partner that its my time of the month just to get some peace. I can see as I get older that I'd rather just have a companion rather than the constant pressure of sex - so am I alone in thinking this or just incredibly cynical or even possibly asexual? Vote
Yes = You're cynical
No = I can relate

My sex drive is way lower than I would like, but I have 2 very young children and I'm still breastfeeding and can't remember the last time I slept all night.

We have sex fairly infrequently, mainly because I'm so exhausted - but actually when we have it, I love it. I love how it feels and how close I feel to my husband afterwards.

I just wish I wanted it more. Every day I say to myself, I will do better

I really liked sex @5zeds, but everyone's energies wane with age. You're probably not 64!

Lots of women REALLY like sex

Of course they do. I was one of them. Now I’m not. Things change.

but the premise was that most tolerate it I really doubt this is true.

@XingMing No I’m not 64 but I’m not sure that’s relevant.

Trust me here: it is!

We, are mid sities and are at it most days 😁

*sixties

The thing is I 'REALLY' like sex when I have it but my ideal sex life would be once a month or so for a whole morning or afternoon. I have never particularly enjoyed quick or quiet sex. I do orgasm but it just isn't something I find myself wanting.

Even when I was younger I only really wanted sex about 1-2 a month. Much more often at the beginning of a relationship obviously but with a couple of years I have been at my default setting in every relationship I have had (5 in total where we were together for more than a year)

I wouldn't want to live without sex but the thought of wanting to have it several times a week is bewildering to me. It is like eating plain food every day. I'd rather have a feast but less often.

Unfortunately, DH is more of daily meat and two veg guy, so over the years we have compromised to around once a week,. This does not mean I 'put up' with sex, it means I have to make an effort to want it, to get over the hurdle. Once we get going it is very nice. I still however prefer the occasions where we haven't done for 2-3 weeks for whatever reason as I am usually wanting it by then.

For you XingMing, it’s not universal. I don’t think it’s at all common among my close female friends/family.

DH and I have been together 22 years. 2 DC 15&13. It's been a rare week we haven't DTD since we met. If it suddenly tailed off, I'd miss it and wonder what the problem was.
I certainly wouldn't describe us as sex mad, if anything I think we are a bit dull and both would like to spice it up but time and kids get in the way.
A sexless marriage would cause me a lot of anxiety, even if you don't want it don't you want to be wanted ?

Its just quite clearly very over rated I think and no amount of people wittering on about it as a 'spiritual connection' can change the fact I cannot be arsed

^ This sums my thoughts on the matter up perfectly.

the premise was that most tolerate it and as of the latest count, that assertion @51%, YANBU is true.. sadly

I really wouldn't attach weighty conclusions to a survey of 1300 people on a website. I agree it is sad that anyone just tolerates sex to keep the peace but don't assume that it's most women based on what you're hearing here.

It’s so sad that it’s almost 50/50, I absolutely love sex and I can’t imagine a time in which I will just lie back and think of England.

@Vanhi of course no one can extrapolate from here and claim that these findings represent women any wider than mumsnet.but the premise was posed here and answers provided here therefore just as with all other AIBU's it's an indication and provided an insight that has surprised some more than others.. I am not that surprised

Theres a saying ‘men have love for sex and women have sex for love’.

I.e. men arent really into love but are into sex so they put up with the love to get the sex.
and woman are into love and put up with the sex to be loved.

Inclined to agree. Many men would prefer to shag a variety of women daily (if they would let them and the concept of monogamy hadn’t been invented). Women would probably prefer a cup of tea (ironically quoting Boy George) than daily sex.

I know that’s obviously not true of everyone but in general my female friends like the odd good shag but their husbands are hornier than them so they get roped into stuff to keep the peace.
Been there. Done that. Couldnt do it any more.
Currently single but may date a guy that only likes it about three times a month mid-month if I’m in the mood! I may be single a long time....! (dusting cobwebs off my bits)...

What is astonishing to me is the number of people who would lie and make excuses to minimize or avoid sex that their partner is not entitled to in order to keep a relationship they are...not entitled to.

Its just quite clearly very over rated I think and no amount of people wittering on about it as a 'spiritual connection' can change the fact I cannot be arsed

Nah nothing spiritual about what DH and I do in the bedroom. It's purely physical and it's bloody fantastic

@Elieza my sentiments exactly!

If my kids went to bloody bed n my husband happily did it earlier than 2am on a Saturday I'd be more than happy but since its 2am on a Saturday I feel like ffs lol

I am very very happy for you @Firelink. That is very good news and comforting to read. Have you been the same couple for many years? And what keeps your relationship hot? I would be really interested to steal ideas from you.

I think a significant (but unspoken) factor could be that women’s bodies change more than men’s as we age. I don’t mean weight gain and saggy bums as that goes both ways.

I mean the symptoms of peri menopause, the after-effects of pregnancy and childbirth: stress incontinence, prolapses, vaginas that feel different - perhaps dryness - boobs that have lost their fullness or tripled in size (uncomfortably so).

Since having children, I feel my formerly slim, agile and fit body is playing tricks on me. I hardly recognise it as being mine some days and it does affect me mentally. I don’t like to be naked and certainly haven’t wanted to “go on top” in years as I feel so exposed. My bladder let me down once during sex (don’t think he noticed) and it’s made me very nervous about spontaneous sex. I have a mild prolapse that I don’t want him to “feel”. Sorry if this is a lot of intimate details but I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way.

Nope

I don't get any

I would love to be 'pestered' as you hear so many women say about. I think my husband is either gay or just isn't sexually attracted to me anymore

I can't think of anything worse than having sex to "keep the peace" or even just to make someone you are still close to feel happy. I don't see the point of having a live-in relationship with someone you don't want to have sex with.

I am far happier living on my own anyway so the idea that you'd put up with shit sex to keep someone under your roof seems like madness to me. I understand that children, finances and habits make things more complicated in reality, but truly I think if you're having sex to keep things ticking over its God's way of telling you to cut your losses and go.

I could happily never have sex ever again

53bumblingbovine49 I feel just like you!!