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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think most women tolerate sex to keep their relationships

518 replies

penelopepitstopsgain · 25/02/2020 14:34

I don't doubt there are many women, who enjoy the physical side of their relationships but I've spoken to so many who would rather just have a cuddle and a good book but submit, for want of a better word, to their partner for fear they'll stray or see it as their obligation- even I find that sometimes I really can't be bothered and lie to my partner that its my time of the month just to get some peace. I can see as I get older that I'd rather just have a companion rather than the constant pressure of sex - so am I alone in thinking this or just incredibly cynical or even possibly asexual? Vote
Yes = You're cynical
No = I can relate

OP posts:

ScissorsBike · 25/02/2020 19:49

I'd rather lick my tea off Jason Momoa thanks!

😂

Vanhi · 25/02/2020 19:49

To the people saying you can't generalise, of course you can - this is the whole basis of social science.

There is a huge difference between drawing conclusions about an entire sex based on what you've asked a few of your friends, and the conclusions drawn by social scientists based on careful selection and questioning. Social scientists make generalisations only after they've ensured that their specific sample is likely to match the general population. And where questioning people about sex is concerned you have to be extremely careful. Both men and women will often give the answers they think are expected of them.

For myself, I enjoy sex and it is a very important part of my relationship. Physically and emotionally it is the closest I can get to anyone. It all ties in with a lot of physical affection, some of which leads to sex some of which is purely for its own sake. And I'm much happier being with someone who feels similarly about these things and who will cuddle up on the sofa for hours simply because it feels good. I would say if anything I have a higher sex drive than he does but at the moment that's because he's dealing with a lot of stress. When he's less stressed we're more evenly matched. (Whereas one of my ways of dealing with stress is to have sex, so I don't stop wanting it).

ProgrammableMagneticStorm · 25/02/2020 19:51

My husband is hot and good in bed. I'm definitely not just tolerating it.

BearimyJeremy · 25/02/2020 19:54

I am far from sexless. I have great sex now just not with my ex-husband. It's not easy to do it with a long term partner or co-parent when the attraction has waned and feels impossible when you have small kids to say "I'd rather fuck someone else but everything else is fine". No one takes that well, trust me. You break a marriage apart. But I had to for sanity.

ginandbearit · 25/02/2020 19:55

Blimey how many threads have there been from women saying their partner has gone off sex leaving them basically gagging and begining to look elsewhere or leave the marriage ..? LOTS !! I think MN is one of the few places that does explore womens sexual needs far more openly and honestly .

BanginChoons · 25/02/2020 19:55

I find it weird how so much importance in placed on sex. People base their self esteem around it, and it's a widely accepted view that without it, there is no relationship.
I'm sure things would be easier for a lot of people if everyone had a "take it or leave it" attitude towards it.

Coolcucumber2020 · 25/02/2020 19:58

My husband is hot and good in bed. I'm definitely not just tolerating it.

Ha ha I do think it makes a difference if your partner is hot!

I think men can be be more testosterone driven however, women can be really sexy and sensuous. The combination can be amazing.

I think it’s really sad when men just see sex as extensions of what they need and women never get appreciated for their sensuousness and curves. A woman’s body is amazing. So is a man’s. We have lost a fantastic connection when the sex goes dull or bad.

I’m so glad I didn’t just stick to some of my relationships. I’m never going to put up with rubbish sex now. Either it is loving and hot or I’d rather be single.

Nancydrawn · 25/02/2020 19:59

This is a genuine, not a goady, question: for women who would prefer not to have sex with their husbands again, would you be okay with them having sexual relationships outside of the marriage?

I know one couple who love each other very much and are a very functional parenting couple, but she doesn't want to have sex anymore. She has said she doesn't mind if he has sex outside of their marriage, particularly if it means he's happier within it.

I couldn't do that myself, but I have a mutually satisfying sex life with my husband. I wondered if this is something anyone else has thought of, or whether that would feel like a betrayal or a step too far, even if you're not having sex within the marriage.

samyeagar · 25/02/2020 19:59

I imagine the 64% number for the orgasm gap does not mean that an individual woman only orgasms 64% of the time to her partners near 95%. Rather I imagine that women who have orgasms with their partner are pretty close to the same frequency as their partner. I think it is closer to an all or nothing where if the woman isn't orgasming with her partner, she's likely never orgasming with that partner, where as if she is, she is regularly orgasming.

Nomorepies · 25/02/2020 20:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

LuluJakey1 · 25/02/2020 20:07

I have 3 good friend + my SIL who I would know about.
1 has a happy sex life - been married 20 years.
1 has been divorced twice and single for 6 years and actively avoids men.
1 has been married for 23 years, has two DC and has not had sex for 18yrs- husband now works abroad.
SIL had several gay relationships and then married BIL (5 yrs ago) now pregnant with Dc2 but has told me they don't have much sex and neither are bothered.
DH and I (married 10 yrs) have a happy sex life.

Lazymorningsareover · 25/02/2020 20:09

I can only speak for myself, but as a woman I can honestly say that I really enjoy sex a lot. If dh and I get a rare day to ourselves we often just to bed in the middle of the day, and not to sleep. Sex makes me feel great.

If women aren't wanting and enjoying sex then I wonder whether it's because they're in a marriage with a man who isn't great. Women tend to be more emotional lovers.

Is the husband a selfish lover? Is he helping her to orgasm? Is he generally treating her like shit, expecting her to do all the housework/childcare? That's enough to put a woman off

Toastytoes1 · 25/02/2020 20:11

I love sex with my husband, we're very in sync with each other and he's a very generous lover. I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant with our first child and can count on one hand how many times we've had sex throughout the pregnancy, partly because unfortunately I've been quite unwell throughout and also my husband does find the idea of sex with our daughter present off-putting so we just haven't had sex much at all and I do really miss it . I know things will be different with a new baby anyway but I'm really looking forward to when we're ready to have sex again. A cuddle will certainly do for now and we are still very affectionate with each other but it's not a state I would like to be in permanently.
I agree with all the previous posters who are saying that if you're not bothered by sex you're probably not doing it particularly well as a couple.

XingMing · 25/02/2020 20:12

I still adore DH but we are mid-60s, and he has had health issues that require medication, which affects performance. I do occasionally have a fantasy about the energy of youthful sex and a lusty orgasm. But we make out a few times a month regardless. I love DH, and take the rest as it comes, or doesn't. I would not consider a better sex life for a worse life partner.

SpokeTooSoon · 25/02/2020 20:15

Interesting question. And look at the votes - 50:50.

I have three small children and have been with my DH for a long time. Our sex life is certainly in a trough right now. No sex since December 29th! That’s the longest we’ve ever done, even taking into account pregnancy and post-partum I think.

He’s been working away a bit and doing a lot of late nights and I regularly don’t see him for days apart from five mins in the kitchen in the morning while I’m sorting the DC and he’s flying out the door. When he is here for an evening he falls asleep early because he’s tired. We just seem to be in the trenches of childcare and work and busy lives, we haven’t fallen out or anything.

However, he has been sleeping in the guest room for weeks (when he comes home after I’ve gone to bed he doesn’t disturb me) especially as we’ve all had colds on and off and separate beds is easier all round.

I realise I’m making a lot of excuses! Truth is, I love sleeping alone but I’m a tad worried separate bedrooms is a slippery slope!!!!

thetruthisout · 25/02/2020 20:16

*@MrsTerryPratchett *
*
A straw poll of DH's male friends who complain they don't get laid. They are the arseholes. The ones who did no housework or child work, probably cheated and generally behaved like nobs. And LO! their wives aren't in the mood.

My exH was a wanker, I didn't much feel like a shag at the end. DH is fantastic.*

Hope you don't mind but this is going to be my screen saver

user1479305498 · 25/02/2020 20:17

In my case menopause and peri menopause killed it for me somewhat. It also timed with finding out my H had an emotional affair a good few years before and made a bit of a fool of me and a cracking porn habit to boot. So for me it's part physical but part mental too I think and I don't think that would change unless I was with someone else and to be honest I have lost a lot if trust in men in general, however nice. However being totally honest I've never really been that fussed , it's my second marriage and was a problem in the first one too. I've never been a touchy feely person either but I do love good company and conversation etc and I do like men as friends a lot

Patroclus · 25/02/2020 20:20

Its just quite clearly very over rated I think and no amount of people wittering on about it as a 'spiritual connection' can change the fact I cannot be arsed.

Xmaspost · 25/02/2020 20:22

I feel sad for the women who feel like that. Do they feel they are missing out or not? I guess it would vary by person.

I also feel so sorry for their DP/DH, must be really awful for them too, assuming the DP/DH wants to have (more) sex. Probably not a recipe for a good relationship.

champagneandfromage50 · 25/02/2020 20:27

I have always enjoyed sex and still do, I have had times where interest has reduced due to having new babies and tiredness. I have had friends with no kids who thought it funny discussing sex and laughing that they hadnt had it for months and used it as a treat. Its truly awful and if i thought my DH was putting up with it so I would give him some peace I would leave him. I feel for your DH, if your truly so unenthusiastic it must be like sleeping with a spud . On reading this thread I am now not surprised that so many relationships break up due to infidelity....

peaceanddove · 25/02/2020 20:27

It's not necessarily only men who can 'need' sex. Last year DH worked away for several weeks and I missed the sex very much. Towards the end I felt quite tense and unhappy because I was missing it so much. It does help that DH is seriously hot though and incredibly generous in bed

Justaboy · 25/02/2020 20:28

I think it’s really sad when men just see sex as extensions of what they need and women never get appreciated for their sensuousness and curves. A woman’s body is amazing

Yep!, wouldnt argue with that:)

5zeds · 25/02/2020 20:38

I think this is a bizarre idea. Like something from the 1940s. Lots of women REALLY like sex.

Vanhi · 25/02/2020 20:40

Its just quite clearly very over rated I think and no amount of people wittering on about it as a 'spiritual connection' can change the fact I cannot be arsed.

I can fully appreciate that you don't want it and don't rate it. That doesn't mean those of us who do enjoy sex are wrong or somehow mistaken in our enjoyment. I don't personally view it as a spiritual connection - for me it's actually much more animal, primal and natural. Oxytocin is great and it evolved for good reasons.

Original poster

penelopepitstopsgain · 25/02/2020 20:40

@5zeds of course they do but the premise was that most tolerate it and as of the latest count, that assertion @51%, YANBU is true.. sadly

OP posts:

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