To think most women tolerate sex to keep their relationships

[penelopepitstopsgain]

I don't doubt there are many women, who enjoy the physical side of their relationships but I've spoken to so many who would rather just have a cuddle and a good book but submit, for want of a better word, to their partner for fear they'll stray or see it as their obligation- even I find that sometimes I really can't be bothered and lie to my partner that its my time of the month just to get some peace. I can see as I get older that I'd rather just have a companion rather than the constant pressure of sex - so am I alone in thinking this or just incredibly cynical or even possibly asexual? Vote
Yes = You're cynical
No = I can relate

I do wonder whether men and women who have 'gone off' sex would feel horny again with a different person. Is it age or is it boredom/over familiarity?

Anonymity spurs sharing freely, and yes, I'm sure that physical frailties do tend to be an inhibiting factor for women, not least because many men seem to value women just for their physicality. Even old fat and ugly men feel free to judge women, and never consider how lucky they would be to get close enough to feel flesh.

I do wonder whether men and women who have 'gone off' sex would feel horny again with a different person. Is it age or is it boredom/over familiarity?

The final four years with my ex wife were sexless because I did not want to have sex with her, so I didn't. She is diagnosed NPD, so all of the abuse that goes along with that, and it just turned my stomach even thinking about touching her.

New wife, together 8 years now, started with great sex, and we are still having top shelf sex 5-7 times a week.

It comes and goes though doesn't it? Randy as heck until first child was born, then second came along, and we were both a bit knackered. Then there's another mini honeymoon period when the kids sleep though the night and go to bed early (crucial!), then terrible teens when they worry you and they never go to bed and give you the space. Then they leave home and lo there's another period of frisson. Then menopause boo. Then hooray for HRT!
I'm lucky I think that we've largely been in sync for these ups and downs

@TheoneandObi that's lovely ..could be entitled sex through life stages

At 64, I often wonder about that @damnthatanxiety, but I am not bothered enough to find out. The excitement of anticipation vanishes in a very long term relationship, but you value the other qualities higher is my best explanation. We have built a life and family together, over 35 years as a couple, and I would not want to compromise it.

My husband is hot and good in bed. I'm definitely not just tolerating it

SAME!!! Sometimes I just sit there and awkwardly stare at him because he’s so pleasing to my eyes!

I think it’s more some relationships fizzle out physically, emotionally, or intellectually, and sometimes combinations of those things remain. I don’t think it’s to do with how long you’ve been together but more the people/personalities involved. I have to say nothing would kill passion faster for me than “tolerating” sex.

But you wouldn’t be tolerating it if the passion was still there, it would already be dead.

I’ve just hit the menopause and feel like if I never did it again that’d be perfect. But I love my husband who hasn’t hit the menopause...

Hmmm in all my longish relationships I've arrived at a point where I don't desire sex with that person. It's like having had enough to eat - I don't feel grossed out or debased by sex after that point but I don't have an appetite for it either.

In all cases, I've carried on having it, not to 'keep the peace', but as an investment in the relationship. I've likened it in my head to doing the washing up, not because I want my hands in soapy water but because I want a clean kitchen. Don't want to have sex, but want the results of having had it, ie intimacy, contentment, etc.

And I absolutely see that this has a lot to do with my own idiosyncratic patterns of attachment and desire, which seem to be driven by creating connections more than by keeping them. I wish this wasn't the case, but it is.

The only time when I've stopped sex altogether has been with DH, poor bugger, coinciding with menopause and with some problems in our relationship. I haven't had the motivation to keep doing the washing up as the kitchen's been spoilt by other things. It rather underlines that without the investment I'd been making in keeping sex going the relationship changes for the worse, and now I can't imagine picking it up again - it feels as alien as picking someone's nose for them.

Nope imo most women enjoy sex as much as most men do. If anything women like it more in my circle.

If they dont its its reflective of something wrong in the relationship or they are with the wrong person

That’s my understanding @Willyoujustbequiet

I voted YANBU when as little as 6 months ago I would have voted YABU. After baby 2 I'm knackered, constantly looking after everyone and myself, flabby and my vag is frankly haggard. I did the desultory "check it's working after baby" sex recently and it was probably the most boring orgasm I've ever had in my life. I didn't even know orgasms could be boring. If that's what a woman experiences when she shags her OH then I can totally understand never wanting to do it again. A hot chocolate would have been about 5x better, even without cream on top. And if I got to drink it on my own, with no one demanding anything of me, 15x better.

I had so much mad sex when I was younger, quite a lot of it with DH.. I don't even feel like I'm missing out, since I can remember a lot of it

even if we could perhaps say that men have the more powerful appetite imo they don't have the same capacity for sexual pleasure that women do in the sense of sustained and prolonged sexual pleasure
Obviously I'm generalizing, not speaking about individual men or women just the average

As alien as picking someone's nose for them
😱 Such a very apt but very horrifying metaphor 😱

`it is true women are not as sexually driven as men. It’s hormonal. I’ve only ever met one woman in my whole life who said she ‘needed’ sex as often as possible whereby for many men this is a default. Most women I’ve met say, even if they enjoy sex, it’s not their first choice. They would much prefer a book, a cup of tea, a meal, a good box set etc.

Oh, that is so terribly sad.

1. No one 'needs' sex. It's enjoyable.

2. Some friends are having bad sex. It's statistically implausible they all feel like this about sex. Some may. The rest ... no. It could be better.

@Willyoujustbequiet not to take away from anything you've said but there is often an underlying stigma when a woman suggests she doesn't enjoy sex. Shes often met with a combination of pity, confusion or every one jumps to solution mode with suggestions such as you're hormonal, not doing it right or with the wrong person- very few accept that perhaps that woman finds sex generally, irrespective of whats involved (vanilla to bdsm) just a bit meh so you're friends may express to you if they actually would prefer a box set.

Examine this thread ..there are 2 distinct camps a) those who love and can't comprehend life without sex and b) those (currently in the majority) who would hang out the bunting if there were a sex ban!
I'm being flippant, but I am testimony to the fact that you can have a very active sex life but still prefer what others might consider mundane.

I'm post-menopausal now but I don't think that makes much difference; I've never enjoyed sex for its own sake. I remember in my late teens (when people are supposed to be desperate to fall into bed) thinking, "If I want to get married I'll have to have sex. I suppose I'll be able to cope with it, everyone else does." And that, roughly, sums up how I've felt about it through a long marriage and another long relationship. Nothing wrong with what either man did in bed and yes, I do reliably have orgasms as long as he does the one thing that works for me. I wouldn't want to have a sexless relationship as things are, because I know it matters to my partner and it mattered to my ex-husband. But if sex just didn't exist, I'd be so much happier. I've been attracted to plenty of men apart from those I've been in a relationship with, but what I fantasised about (at any stage of my life) was never any sort of sex act. I'm very tactile and love all the hand-holding and cuddling and hugging in itself - the only thing that puts me off it is that it can't always just stop there. Among other things I don't like taking my clothes off, not primarily through self-consciousness but because I feel the cold! I don't like getting smelly or sweaty or getting someone else's body fluids on me. I've never told either man I felt like that. I just, genuinely, feel exactly the way women in past generations were allowed to feel without feeling guilty or ashamed of it: that it's something you put up with for your partner's sake.

Another way of putting it is: you know how when children first learn what's involved in sex they tend to be both bemused and repelled, thinking or saying, "But why would anyone want to do that?" Well, that's how I feel, deep down.

Are you sure you are doing it right?

Either when single or in a relationship, if there is no 1:1 sex for a week or more, l am crawling up the wall. I have needs. Sharing the body of another is important to me.

l think a lot of negative upbringing is a problem with some attitudes here. I was fortunate, but many girls are taught that “nice girls” don’t do that sort of thing.

In addition, many men do not understand women's bodies which does not help.

For me the bodily fluids are the best bit ;).

Hit send prematurely by mistake.

To add if you are not enjoying it, you are not doing it right. That applies to both partners.

Reading the relationships board, a regular theme is that the husband has a low sex drive or has gone off sex.

I have hardly ever heard or seen this discussed outside Mumsnet, and it is always assumed to be the woman's problem in a low/no sex heterosexual relationship. With the frequency it turns up on MN, I would say it is very common indeed for the man not to be interested in sex.