To think most women tolerate sex to keep their relationships

[penelopepitstopsgain]

I don't doubt there are many women, who enjoy the physical side of their relationships but I've spoken to so many who would rather just have a cuddle and a good book but submit, for want of a better word, to their partner for fear they'll stray or see it as their obligation- even I find that sometimes I really can't be bothered and lie to my partner that its my time of the month just to get some peace. I can see as I get older that I'd rather just have a companion rather than the constant pressure of sex - so am I alone in thinking this or just incredibly cynical or even possibly asexual? Vote
Yes = You're cynical
No = I can relate

"Why would she want sex with you if you can’t be arsed to show her any affection? This completely epitomises why some women turn cold."
Chicken and the egg scenario there Also human.

As we grew older I became less and less interested in sex and now I really can't summon up any enthusiasm. We still have sex once in a while (for his sake) and I try to make it enjoyable for him but I am glad when it's done and to be honest I would really rather be doing something else.

My partner and I have got to the point where we can’t stand each other so sex is out of the question. We still live together for various reasons, so I feel like I can’t move on either. I am 46 and now over two years without sex. I miss it so much. I would definitely want it with someone else, and even with my partner if he wasn’t such a vile person. I hope this isn’t it for me and that when things are less complicated I meet someone who I will have a long and happy sex life with. My desire has not gone away with age.

I think you are not wrong, especially in couples who have small children. It's by no means always the case, but I think men on average do have a higher sex drive than women, in their young adulthood at least, and the difference is enough that for a lot of young men their desire for sex is strong enough to overcome the exhaustion of having small children, whereas for the mum (who in addition to being physically knackered is carrying most of the emotional load) the exhaustion overrides sexual desire completely. This was certainly my experience, anyway. It put a huge strain on the relationship as DH felt very rejected and struggled with the loss of sexual intimacy. After a big marital meltdown about it I realised that this really was something he needed emotionally - that there is a reason we call it 'making love' - it builds and reinforces that bond between you.

We had had a great sex life pre-children, and I knew intellectually that whenever I make the effort to get into it I am always glad I did in the end. So for me it was about saying yes and just focusing attention there as an investment in the relationship. It was not so much lie back and think of England as lie back and force your mind to stop making to-do lists and think about sex instead. It wasn't always easy, but for me it was worth the effort.

Having shared that TMI, my point is that while I did it to keep him happy for a couple of years, eventually our kids got older and life got easier and I got into my forties and found as many women do that my sex drive came back and now we are happy as anything in bed again and have a great relationship.

So all that is to say, if you are otherwise happy together, and if you do enjoy sex once you get your head around it, i.e. if you are not generally incompatible in bed, it may be worth making the effort to maintain your relationship until your sex drive returns. Which it might as you and your kids get older.

This is why I always tell young people to marry someone they fancy like crazy if possible. Maintaining that zone of intimacy is important.

I would still love cuddles and kisses - but the trouble is it doesn't stop there. If we do this, it always leads to sex, which I cannot be bothered with any more - I am older!! I'd rather cuddle the dog!

@MrMysterious no it’s not a chicken and egg situation. The two aren’t equivalent in any way.

I am the opposite I want more sex as I have got older it has dried up over the last three years DH clings to his side of the bed, with not even the reassurance of a cuddle. I don’t get cuddles kisses, or even a good passionate kiss anymore! Not drinking not smoking anymore either, DH throws his energy and stress relief into rugby friends, beer festivals and doesn’t really need to have sex My Sex drive has maintained itself and historically was a healthy stress reliever.. it doesn’t matter if it was good or bad, it makes fit a healthier mid sometimes!! my sex drive. I think exercise may give me the same enjoyment in some ways. I don’t go out either there is only so much yoga you can undertake to get the pleasures out of life. i wish bound find a good alcohol free dance floor and let my hair down!! If my sex life is non existent fir the next decade I am only 44 😢

I’m 4 plus years in to this relationship and like and enjoy sex. Not a chore for me, but ask me again in 10 years.

My DS’s father, I couldn’t tolerate sex with him after a couple of years and was with him for 12; because he wasn’t a very nice man and I would’ve felt like a geisha. He did leave me for a 26 year old in the end though! I wasn’t going to do sex out of obligation and even if I had, I doubt he’d have stayed. I guess it depends on who you’re with.

I think it’s unreasonable to assume everyone must be obligated and not enjoying sex just because you feel that way. Nothing wrong with a good book and a cuddle as a substitute if you prefer it. If your partner genuinely has a similar sex drive, I can’t imagine it’s an issue either way.

• Typos Sorry Healthier Mind 😄 I wish I could find an alcohol free venue where I can dance and let my hair down👍💙 Also you can find articles on DIY Tips as well😂😂😂 on google.

I’ve been with my husband almost 17 years... and still getting it all I can, while I can!!!!

My desire has not gone away with age

Nor had mine when I was 46, we were at it like rabbits and then the menopause hit ...

I don't think 17 years is that long.

I like sex, and still enjoy it, but DH's prescription (for medically necessary reasons) inhibits a decent erection, so it's not what it was without viagra, and viagra-assisted erections are a bit like fucking a broom handle once you are post menopause, because my internal tissues are not as sturdy as they were at 20, or 30, or 40... and certainly not at 63. I feel inadequate because my physiology can't find satisfaction from penetrative sex without the viagra-assist, but it leaves me feeling sore too. DH is a gentle and considerate lover, but likes to feel the full satisfaction of orgasm as he learned it in his 20s. But we love each other deeply, make a top team in real life, and neither of us would jettison the other for a knee-trembler. It is the comfort of marriage versus the excitement of a one-off thrill.

17 years is a long time, but we have been together for 30 years and feel the same.

Ffswhatnext, it’s not abuse if the person isn’t aware that their spouse is only doing it out of obligation.

Ah so as long as the other person doesn't realise/know that's ok then?

I should imagine good partners would feel horrified to find that out that their wife/husband felt that way. I know I would
Which raises the question about communication. What are those barriers stopping the person from saying no? There are no positive reasons in a healthy, loving relationship that I can think of.

I am noticing a big difference in attitudes between people who've been married 25+ years and those who haven't. Given the age differences, I suspect that I prefer to keep my partner and the life and relationship we have rather than chasing a new rainbow of geriatric sexual satisfaction. No, it's not a thrill now I am 63 but I love, like and respect DH: he is a good man. We do our best at sex and it aint't bad, but not what it used to be, but our speed and strength wouldn't get us into the first XI anymore either.

I tolerate relationships for the sex (yes im female)

If you do that @AllMouth, then you will probably get all you want.

My wonderful fiancée says she definitely "put up" with being.pawed for the vast majority of her 25 year marriage.

She was quite relieved when the menopaus came along, as flooding so badly she could say no for months!

Our relationship is based on more than just sex at every opportunity.... Oh she touched me, must mean sex ... That's not how we are.

We both have quite bad health issues, and tbh sex is the last thing on either of our minds.

Personally, if sex is that's keeping your relationship going, and you can't be bothered with it anymore, then shouldn't that be telling.you something about your relationship???

My fiancée's relationship failed, because he cheated for at least 6 months... Possibly a lot lot more ... But worse, he lied about it, and he wouldn't own up when challenged by a then, joint friend.

The person he is, it took her to get him to speak to their daughter after the split, otherwise there's be no relationship there now. Unfortunately it seems it's more about him, than the mum, but that's her choice... It would appear.... He got money, so we spend more time with them (him n his gf).

@MrMysterious
As for cuddles, why would I cuddle someone who doesn't want to be physical with me?
Because love and patience and affection are a real aphrodisiac to most women. If I am only cuddled for sex I wonder if I could just be any old woman. If I’m cuddled with no expectation of sex, it makes me feel like I am loved and valued. Then I relax. And feel this space around me with no expectations. And I tell you that makes me quite want the man who gives me that!

I love sex. I absolutely do. From a female perspective however I’m quite turned off by any hint of resentment sexually if they also don’t want to give me affection.

To show what it can be like:
My first DP - resentful, equated cuddles always with sex, expected a lot in the bedroom. Result - I went off sex with him.
My last DP - very patient. Never pressurised. Always affectionate. Often funny and we’d laugh off any sex when I was too tired. He was also a great shag. Result - I was very up for sex and he (and me) has an amazing sex life!

I tolerate relationships for the sex grin (yes im female) I’m tempted to do this too now I’m single! Except I’ve got a bit more fussy, I need emotional good sex now. Not someone who treats me like I could be anyone.

I love sex! I’d have it daily if I could. My DP is barely into it and I only get sex on special days and when I cry at him about not getting enough sex. YABU!

The only time my sex drive dropped was when I was long term on the pill. I still enjoyed sex, and wouldn't say I went off it, but I didn't crave it particularly. When I came off the pill TTC, it came back big time. Same after babies 1 & 2, once my periods came back, so did my sex drive.

A few observations from me about this thread....
I am very surprised at the amount of people saying sex bad cos the guy is lazy or doesnt know what he is doing! It's much harder to get a women off, than it is a man, so if you don't know how to make it good for you, the poor guy doesn't have much hope.
I have never had bad sex! I've had better sex with guys I've clearly clicked with more, but never rubbish sex.
I would put this down to the fact a) I am quite body confident (at least I was before 2 babies in 2 years! Meh!)
B) I worked in theatre, so everyone is taking care of themselves physically, so easy on the eye, which usually helps
c) i find it as much of a turn on to give, as I do to receive, which makes things much more interesting!

Side note. I read years ago that women's sex drives functions different to men, theirs is pretty much the same however much they are getting it, with women the less you have the less you want it, and the more you have the more you want it! I don't know if that is factually correct for all females, but having had two long term, long distance relationships, it has certainly been true for me, so if you want to increase your sex drive, to might wanna "force yourself" a bit more often. 😉
Seriously though sex should be fun and/or intimate not a chore whether you are having it twice a week or twice a year. It seems a few people need to either communicate better, or get themselves a new partner!

Yep honestly, hands down I do. As I've got older I just have no interest at all.

After 14 years of marriage and two DC, I’ve realized just how much sex is an emotional affair for most women, while it’s a physical affair for most men. So if a women is annoyed/unhappy/resentful with her DP, this will suck any sexual attraction towards him temporarily or permanently. With a man, they can still be annoyed and feel a lack of connection with their other half, but still have sex with them and even enjoy it! I’m not saying this applies to all men but certainly to most I’ve seen.

@MrMysterious
The way to win over a women (and get them in bed!) is by wooing them: complimenting them, talking to them, showing them interest and affection, holding hands, cuddling them, not by going all hardcore from 0 to 100. Just because you are married now to her doesn’t mean you can stop doing all the above and get right down to it. I wish my DH would understand that.

Agree with the poster who said:
*
I haven’t gone off sex, I just have no desire to do it with my DH*.

I can completely relate to this and I recently was honest and told my DH if he’s desperate for sex, he’s free to seek it outside our relationship.