Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think most women tolerate sex to keep their relationships

518 replies

penelopepitstopsgain · 25/02/2020 14:34

I don't doubt there are many women, who enjoy the physical side of their relationships but I've spoken to so many who would rather just have a cuddle and a good book but submit, for want of a better word, to their partner for fear they'll stray or see it as their obligation- even I find that sometimes I really can't be bothered and lie to my partner that its my time of the month just to get some peace. I can see as I get older that I'd rather just have a companion rather than the constant pressure of sex - so am I alone in thinking this or just incredibly cynical or even possibly asexual? Vote
Yes = You're cynical
No = I can relate

OP posts:
Springisintheair2 · 26/02/2020 18:14

I relate. I'm fairly young, just have never really enjoyed or liked it. It's not about doing it with the wrong person or needing "better sex", to me it undermines my feelings and my 'sex drive' to say those things about those of us who don't actually like sex; it's okay thay I don't ever want or enjoy sex and it makes me feel a bit crap for others to suggest that I'm just "not doing it right". Am single now but have 'put out' in every relationship I've been in, despite not really liking it and letting my partners know that was the case from the very beginning.

katjay35 · 26/02/2020 18:16

I think this is actually quite saddening. I adore sex and would feel so rejected and undesired if my partner thought the same as you and I very much doubt I could handle a non physical marriage. Without assuming too much then it’s time to spice things up abit if you don’t enjoy it and would rather read a good book. I’m currently heavily pregnant with 3 kids and sex drive is still high. If both you and your partner are not on the same page sexually then surely that will lead to resentment? I don’t know. I can only give an opinion based on my feelings. If your partner is happy to have sex with you whilst you only go through the motions then it could work. Good luck

CountryGirl1234 · 26/02/2020 18:18

Currently not having sex and don’t wish too. DD is 18months, partner (is now) not overly fussed and I’ve had issues since birth plus other reasons for frankly going off the boil. Totally unlike me, assuming it’s something to do with bfeeding, I no longer have the urge, partner is fairly novice which doesn’t help with my burning desire to re-hash the flame. We still operate as a normal couple. I think it’s partner / hormones/ stage of life dependent.

MrMysterious · 26/02/2020 18:22

Speaking as a DH (I guess) I have found this the most difficult part of our relationship. We are both in our 40s, a couple of kids, a dog and all the usual stuff that goes with that. BUT the sexual side is what's killing us. My wife is completely in charge of our sex life, if I initiate it is generally a no, if she initiates I'm just grateful for the chance. We have talked very openly about it but it still leads to my feelings of rejection and so resentment.
If we were having sex once a week or even once a fortnight that would be something but the lack of human connection drives a wedge deeper and deeper. As for cuddles, why would I cuddle someone who doesn't want to be physical with me? I could go looking elsewhere but what happens if I find more than I went looking for? I don't want my family to fall apart.
No answers here, but thought a male perspective might be of interest.

ffswhatnext · 26/02/2020 18:23

If I had a friend that told me they felt obligated to have sex, I would advise them to talk to the other person about it. The other person might only be doing it because of the same reasons.
If they felt they couldn't talk to the person I would help them through that.

I decide what I do or don't do with my body. I'm not going to lay there and get fucked to make the other person happy. Why the fuck would I, or any person do this? Might as well just give the other person a vibrator/blowup doll. When I chose partners if they aren't respectful of the word no, then they are no more.

Yea I know what it's like to be turned away. I had a wank and got on with things. I didn't have a strop as some arseholes do. No-one had to walk around on eggshells. And when it's happened to me I've, I called the person out on having a tantrum and to make the point, a couple of youtube vids showing tantrums were shown. And he's history. When you look at their overall behaviour, they are selfish/disrespectful in other areas.

Bozlem80 · 26/02/2020 18:24

I’ve had sex twice in the last 4 yrs with my DH, I used to beg & ask when we would next have sex to be told it will happen when it happens, there is no cuddling or kissing either, I can’t just leave we have kids & bills to pay, I just put up & shut up now but I’m so lonely & depressed, I have nobody to talk to either, I’m not even 40 yet & the thought of never having sex ever again makes me so sad 😞

WhoKnowsWhatsAroundTheCorner · 26/02/2020 18:24

I’m just too tired sometimes.
It’s not the same as not wanting it, but I admit I’ve had sex because I know DH wants it. I do find it helps me feel closer to him afterwards- which is a good thing.
This isn’t to put men down - it is just reality. Given lots of rest, I love sex!

Lap1nkla · 26/02/2020 18:25

A lot of strong opinions on here, is their aim to make OP feel awful and that her husband is an inadequate lover??
I am 28 with two young children. My partner is well endowed and amazing in bed and I still very much fancy him. That said, when I have been at uni all day, been to the gym, done the school run, fed and bathed children and cleaned the house while he works away all week, the LAST thing on mind is sex. It gets to the weekend when I haven’t seen him all week. I can’t wait to cuddle and relax with him while he wants a lot of sex to make up for it missing in the week. I don’t have the energy but also I will do it for him sometimes to keep him happy. I don’t want him to ever feel I don’t love him and I certainly give consent, but I can totally relate to OPs post!
Hope this helps

Olliephaunt4eyes · 26/02/2020 18:26

Goodness! No, I don't put up with sex to keep my marriage. The idea kind of freaks me out . Doesn't it feel like prostitution? Surely if you don't want sex then you either need to be with someone who also isn't that into the physical or not with anyone? A relationship based on one party's grudging acquiescence sounds horrific.

glennamy · 26/02/2020 18:27

All those knocking the Men/saying if he knew what to do so it's his fault etc...

Well I think the Men have to be mind readers to those blaming Men here, as in our 'group' we have a few who have the same thoughts but they don't open up to what they like or want during sex for a variety of reasons, come emotional or health reasons...

Stop blaming Men, many Women, a couple of my friends included just moan & bitch and blame them for everything. Take responsibility and contribute/say what you LIKE so your sexual relationship is enjoyable for you both!

For those who just lay there like a sack of spuds, do you think your partner is happy with the situation, I know some of my friends would find someone else if their Men did the same!

Such narrow minded thinking from so many!

ffswhatnext · 26/02/2020 18:30

Oh and going back to the beginning of my post. If anyone came and told me they were fucking through obligation I would suggest some councilling or similar, and not the couples type.

It's abuse.

Think about what you would do if a stranger did this to you.

VerbenaGirl · 26/02/2020 18:33

Interesting... roughly 50/50

ffswhatnext · 26/02/2020 18:35

And fucking to show love is a load of bollocks. Sorry but it is.

There are so many ways we can express love. I love my cats, and they love me. There is absolutely no fucking involved.

ffswhatnext · 26/02/2020 18:37

*Disclaimer - although the word fucking is often said about said cats. 🤣

FontSnob · 26/02/2020 18:43

Ffswhatnext, it’s not abuse if the person isn’t aware that their spouse is only doing it out of obligation. I should imagine good partners would feel horrified to find that out that their wife/husband felt that way. I know I would, I bloody love sex with my husband but if that ever changed I’d speak to him and a trained counsellor so that we could work through it.

Harls1969 · 26/02/2020 18:46

I think it often comes down to inequalities in the relationship. If both parties work hard yet one does the majority of the housework, looking after kids etc, they might feel knackered, a little undervalued and not up for rumpy by the time bedtime comes round. Especially if one person thinks about sex constantly and the other would rather read a good book! I think sex is quite an important part of a loving relationship though (unless both parties no longer fancy it). I'm not sure it's healthy for one person to only let their partner have a go on them so they won't go elsewhere!

browneyes77 · 26/02/2020 18:59

I’m 42 (no kids so can’t blame them Grin) and my sex drive has definitely gone downhill as I’ve got older I’ve noticed.

I always had a super high sex drive. But as I’ve got older it has diminished quite a lot (I’m convinced it’s down to the pill, which I still take). My OH still has a high sex drive and wants sex more often than I do.

I just have to be in the mood and a lot of the time I feel lethargic and can’t be arsed Grin, I do enjoy sex with my OH, so it’s not that I don’t ever want it, but often I’m just tired and not in the mood. So admittedly I will sometimes do it to please him, rather than pleasing myself. Often once I get into it, I’m fine. It’s just having that initial motivation for me at times.

One thing that can put me off sex with my OH though, is when he’s being a mardy bastard. When he’s in a mood and he’s snappy, it puts me right off wanting to get intimate with him. That sexual attraction is temporarily lost for me when he’s got one on him!

Alsohuman · 26/02/2020 19:01

As for cuddles, why would I cuddle someone who doesn't want to be physical with me?

Why would she want sex with you if you can’t be arsed to show her any affection? This completely epitomises why some women turn cold.

Ninkanink · 26/02/2020 19:07

Quite.

Thank goodness I ended up with a man who values cuddles, love and intimacy just as much, for their own sakes, and isn’t just obsessive about his ‘right’ to/need for sex! If he couldn’t see the point of cuddling me unless it was as a transaction for sex, he’d not last long.

MrsBadcrumble123 · 26/02/2020 19:11

My husband has body shamed me since having kids so I no longer wanting him touching me. I will go through the motions but with my back turned as he has made me so ashamed of my wobbly bits that I don’t feel at all sexy - I envy those with husbands who love their bodies no matter what

flyingspaghettimonster · 26/02/2020 19:11

I could live perfectly happily never having sex in my life. I have never wanted it or needed it, and even if sometimes it has been enjoysble, I'd still probably have preferred a hug. I think maybe I am asexual, because sex just has never been something I care about. My husband has a low sex drive too. In the beginning it worried me. As previous partner had been up for it several times a day, but even as a teen my husband was never more than once a day. Now we are more likely about twice a month. I almost never reject advances, and often initiate it as I think it is best for our marriage to do so. He would never dream of making me and I'm not sure if we stopped that he would go elsewhere, but it just seems worth doing occasionally to keep a bond there. I'm not a very physical person generally, don't even like my own kids in my personal space. Husbamd is really the only person I let close to me without feeling uncomfortable.

MrsKoala · 26/02/2020 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Itsjustmee · 26/02/2020 19:16

I’ve been married 20 years. And after 20 years I still fancy him like mad and we have a good active sex life . We are quite a touchy couple always touching kissing hand holding . We have always been good communicators as well .
I think a lot Is because we don’t have kids together and decided not to although we have kids separately.
How often we DTD depends on our work schedule but generally every other day sometimes every day .
When we met it was mad 2-3 times a day for a few years .
His sex drive is higher than mine and although sometimes I can’t be assed to have sex I will because I love him, fancy him, and once I start I get into it. And DH is pretty good and not selfish either. But he won’t moan or sulk if I say no .

I think maybe those that don’t fancy sex with their DH maybe settled initially often in order to have kids so once you have the kids the need for sex with that persons goes

Rachel709 · 26/02/2020 19:21

Not sure often I can't be bothered but then enjoy it when I do. There is no unacceptable reason for not having sex.If you don't want it you don't want it. That's the whole point of consent.

Kateguide · 26/02/2020 19:33

This is such an interesting thread. I think there is no 'normal. ' Before kids I had a much higher sex drive, as did my dh. Since kids, I am knackered and therefore sex is just further down my priority list. My youngest has just turned 5. My husband and I both work full time and our jobs have got harder, more demanding with more responsibility. My husband has a higher sex drive than me, sometimes sex is OK, sometimes it's absolutely fantastic. I think it depends on whether our sex drives are syncing