To think most women tolerate sex to keep their relationships

[penelopepitstopsgain]

I don't doubt there are many women, who enjoy the physical side of their relationships but I've spoken to so many who would rather just have a cuddle and a good book but submit, for want of a better word, to their partner for fear they'll stray or see it as their obligation- even I find that sometimes I really can't be bothered and lie to my partner that its my time of the month just to get some peace. I can see as I get older that I'd rather just have a companion rather than the constant pressure of sex - so am I alone in thinking this or just incredibly cynical or even possibly asexual? Vote
Yes = You're cynical
No = I can relate

It’s fine not to be into sex. I am seriously NOT into running. I think the idea “tolerating” it for your partner makes me feel really uncomfortable , and I’m baffled as to why you would do that?

Apart from the supposed sexual peak in your thirties, marriage is mostly pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, menopause, vaginal atrophy, health issues like prolapsed uterus

Yup.

I pity you if you think its "overrated" - sorry youve had bad sex because when its great, there is nothing like it!

And you have the audacity to call someone else rude. What part of we’re all different is so hard to grasp here? We don’t all like football or running or bingo and we manage to accept that without being patronising, rude and judgmental. Why’s sex any different?

I think the idea “tolerating” it for your partner makes me feel really uncomfortable , and I’m baffled as to why you would do that?

Because the alternative (if you never want it at all) is never to have it at all, and most partners would be quite unhappy with that. Obviously a decent person wouldn't put undue pressure on you, but it would be likely to cause a serious rift unless you both felt the same - I don't know where all these men are who have a low sex drive but I haven't encountered them! Obviously you pretend; you don't let your partner know you are merely tolerating it.

I’m with you OP. I’d rather have a brew.

I think for a lot of women there are little resentments about their life after kids and the burden of housework/childcare they shoulder which affect their sex drive.
This combined with tiredness and quite often a lower status in society than before kids (often part time, less senior or sahm) and seeing themselves as the 'one who gets on with' the daily grind rather than being interesting/sexy etc. It's often all this that can affect it i think.
I know these are generalisations but women do end up shouldering most of the mental/physical burdens after having children.

I've never tolerated sex when I haven't wanted it. However, I have a good sex life with the husband.
No one should ' put up and shut up ' with anything, let alone something as intimate as sex.
I may be wrong, but I don't think women are verbal enough when it comes to their own needs and desires.
How many times have we read it on here alone women complaining about their partners, be it that he doesn't help enough or he's thoughtless, and rather than stand up for herself and tell him straight, she puts up with it while complaining to others.
There is a whole host of reasons why a person can go off intimacy, those reasons need addressing and resolving. Until you do, the script won't change.
I went through a period when my sex drive was stone dead. I didn't know why and I didn't understand it.
Eventually I went to my doctor who realised that I was going through the menopause. I didn't realise it myself due to having the coil for years which had stopped my periods, and I wasn't getting hot flushes etc.
She put me on HRT ( estrogen patch ) and within a couple of weeks my sex drive returned. Poor husband was knackered 😂
Obviously I'm not saying this is the case for everyone. What I am saying is, take a hard look at your lifestyle and where possible address any issues that you find first and take it from there.
Disclaimer. I'm only trying to help by sharing my own experience. Please don't shoot me

Sex is so important to me and always has been. I can't imagine being happy with a cuddle and a book. You can do that with any of your friends

Lovelymonkeyninetynine has hit the nail on the head for me. I used to want sex more than DH but now I’m tired after dealing with stroppy DC and housework and resentful that he still has his big job while I’m a reluctant sahm (long story as to why, DC with SN, his long hours etc). It’s difficult to enjoy sex with someone you feel somewhat cross towards much of the time.

I don't think "most" women do it.

I also think we need to be more straight with the men who are in our lives, ans top using excuses. If you have to use excuses, perhaps you really need to decide if the relationship is worth it.

I say no to sex if I don't want it. I don't "submit" etc to prevent him having an affair.

If he decides to have an affair that's because he is a selfish arse, not because I sometimes don't have sex.

@ Starflower25 I can completely empathize !

Another dimension that hasn't been mentioned is that if you've never had bad sex (as in my case) and it's always available ( as you know very few guys you offer it to would say no), it loses it's value and appeal- it's like water from the tap.. it's always there but you don't always want it.
I have gone from having sex every day for years to having no sex for 4 years and not worried about it at all- I just think society places so much significance on sex and seeks to shame those who don't buy into the whole "sex fulfills you" mantra.

Gosh this thread makes me sad. I love sex with DH and have a hearty appetite for it. We’ve been married 8.5 years and and it keeps getting better. He is quite a generous guy though so that might make a difference? How does a marriage work without regular sex?

I too have never tolerated sex when I haven’t wanted it and my dp would be gutted if I had. I hate the characterisation of men as “always up for it”, and liable to get it elsewhere if you don’t put up and shut up. it’s like something out of the ark.

Before kids we would have sex a few times a day , now we have young kids we have settled into a pattern of a few times a week. We both work, have two young children and are often tired so sex doesn't always seem a priority. However, I do believe it is important for a relationship to be nurtured and sex is one way to do that.

@ 5zeds I don't think its an unfair characterization as it's based on lived experience - many men I've dated and male friends have left partners due to lack of sex or the desire for variety - why do women not seek out male prostitutes in the numbers that men do (even when in very sexually fulfilled relationships) if our desires are the same?

This thread was not aimed at pitting one view against another, it was really to explore whether not having an over riding desire for sex was an anomaly as it's rarely talked about without someone suggesting there's something wrong with you!

Yes but your lived experience isn’t universal and is (IMO based on MY lived experience) cliched rather than accurate. I don’t think there’s something “wrong” with you if you don’t want to have sex but I don’t think it’s the norm at all and I certainly don’t think women have less desire for sex than men.

How does a marriage work without regular sex?

Perfectly well when you’ve been married decades. There’s more to marriage than getting laid!

Leaving aside ethical issues in relation to the sex industry, and pretending that male/female desire is exactly equivalent (which in most cases it probably isn’t, since female sexuality is its own thing and not simply a flip side of male sexuality), firstly the vast majority of women do not have the predatory attitudes that some men do, and secondly even in the most benign case of prostitution (genuinely just wanting some sex/intimacy/contact with women) most women would not need to access that route as the desire imbalance is strongly tipped in their favour, ergo the vast majority of women would easily be able to find a willing man to have sex with whereas that is not necessarily the case for many men.

I've had food sex, and sex and indifferent sex. Then I had no sex for a long time and realised I didn't miss it.

I'm now with a man who was sexually abused as a child and was constantly told that he was gay due to the simple fact that he is a bit camp and an actor. He's not gay, he's not even bi. But he does have a problem with sex - like many people who were sexually abused as a child.

We have had a few conversations about our future and have decided that we won't have sex and we both feel a relief that the pressure has been taken away from both of us. We are still intimate - we cuddle, Stroke and are emotionally in tune. We just don't have sex and actually we are closer because we don't because we make sure that we are physically close to each other - sometimes having sex is an easy way to cover up problems in a relationship.

I think a lot of women feel like this as they get older and hormones plummet. I've few people I can talk to about this but I rarely feel like sex these days and the two friends of a similar age I can discuss this with feel the same. When I was younger I liked having sex but most of the time preferred to have a cuddle. It wasn't that it didn't "work" for me, it did, I was just tired most of the time and it was too much like hard work!

I used to tolerate my marriage for the sex

@5zeds I wasn't just talking about my lived experience I was referring to those examples indicated on the thread - out of interest if in your view our desire for sex is matched with mens why is there not an equal market for women using male prostitutes ?

I find it sad that other women think we don’t like it as much. It’s a very dated view and can only assume they haven’t had a good sex life, ever

Or they have had, but aren't interested any more. I spend a lot of time around horses and dogs. Their interest in sex is governed by hormones, is definitely seasonal and is very marked in its difference. With humans there are many other factors at play but throughout your life you can spend some time being desperate for sex and having great sex, and other times when it's all a bit 'meh'.

why is there not an equal market for women using male prostitutes ?

Prostitution isn't entirely governed by male need for sex. Women are far more likely than men to be in a position where their bodies are the only commodity they have left to sell and where it is accepted that their body is indeed a commodity. If women had greater power in the marketplace they'd be less driven to prostitution. Then you have to factor in safety concerns. I'd be wary of going to a strange man for sex not because I don't want it but because of the physical risk.

Then add in the fact that women are at risk of pregnancy through sex whereas men aren't. In fact historically in some cultures it has been believed that female sexual desire is stronger than male desire because women still want sex even though it puts their life at risk. And look at it this way - the clitoris has one function, sexual pleasure. The penis? It's also for pissing through.

I can have a stab at this as a gay woman with experience of relationships with men as well. In women-women relationships there is that generalisation that sexual relations taper off - lesbian bed death, and I think there probably is something to that frequency-wise. However I would imagine (generalising again) the quality of the sexual experience is probably higher. Familiarity is definitely a driver in the lessening of sexual activity to my mind.

I've noticed a big difference in what is probably best described as 'orgasm potential' in the female partners I have had - some orgasm at the drop of a hat, multiple times, from multiple types of stimulation, other have had real difficulty climaxing at all, with partners or alone. I am the common denominator in the sexual experiences for these women when we are partnered up and I like to think I am pretty tuned in for each and trying my best (!), so I do think orgasm potential may inherently vary among women and that this could be a big driver in how frequently sexual relations are desired in a long term relationship.

My friends and I talk about this a lot, we are aged 45-60 and have all been married 20+ years.

A lot of us just don't fancy our DH any more. We love them because they are our family, like we love our mums, dads brothers and sisters, but we wouldn't want to shag them!