To think most women tolerate sex to keep their relationships

[penelopepitstopsgain]

I don't doubt there are many women, who enjoy the physical side of their relationships but I've spoken to so many who would rather just have a cuddle and a good book but submit, for want of a better word, to their partner for fear they'll stray or see it as their obligation- even I find that sometimes I really can't be bothered and lie to my partner that its my time of the month just to get some peace. I can see as I get older that I'd rather just have a companion rather than the constant pressure of sex - so am I alone in thinking this or just incredibly cynical or even possibly asexual? Vote
Yes = You're cynical
No = I can relate

I also think it's entirely natural to not be as bothered about sex once the urge to procreate fades, if you ever had that in the first place. I'm quite relieved in my 40s not to have the raging sex hormones I had in my 20s, and so is my DH, who never had a strong sex drive! There are other things in life.

@Tulipan

Or is the answer just to sleep with other women ... as they seem to have a far better orgasm success rate with their partners

Perhaps. I reckon gay people (both male and female) are better at getting what they want because they've had to confront their own sexuality and therefore are better at communication... than heterosexual women perhaps.

I suspect gay men really have really hit the jackpot on this one as I suspect they get lots of sex as well as a good orgasm success rate when it happens.

I’m not convinced there are two distinct camps OP, those who love sex and those who aren’t bothered.

Most women just have some awareness of biology and that it’s not realistic for most women to want the same amount of sex over the whole course of their life.

A great many women don’t want sex when they’re recovering from stitches or had a miscarriage or when they are done with HRT and their vagina has atrophied.

And as people now marry late, most of your prime fun sex years are over and done with before marriage.

Apart from the supposed sexual peak in your thirties, marriage is mostly pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, menopause, vaginal atrophy, health issues like prolapsed uterus.

I wouldn't say so nameofchanges my DPs are still enjoying an active sex life they will have been married 50 years in December

I didn’t say that older people aren’t sexually active.

What I said was that most women don’t want the same amount of sex over the whole course of their life.

I find it sad that other women think we don’t like it as much. It’s a very dated view and can only assume they haven’t had a good sex life, ever

There's a whole topic on this on Reddit and the majority of posts are from women saying their men aren't interested. So no it's not a women thing. In fact with the rise in porn use its possibly swung the other way.

Studies have shown that between 10-20% of couples have a sexless relationship with 10% having no sex and the next 10% having little so you are right that a lot of people just don’t want to bother.

Map to pin point the clitoris anyone?

For those saying that no woman needs sex, I disagree. Certainly for me it is a great stress prevention/relief thing too.

Neither has my sex drive decreased with age (40s). I think part of the problem is people who have settled (in the most literal sense of the word) for long term partners where they go through the motions but the passion has gone.

And yes, women do have a better knowledge of what makes other women’s bodies tick.

In the 21st century it is a complete taboo for a woman to say she does not much care for sex. Some women might think it, but few will say it.

@TomPinch my personal experience is that it is more about expectations. I've never been with a woman who did the 'cum, roll over, go to sleep' thing that is sadly common with male partners, even really attentive ones. It's always been about mutual pleasure - the fun doesn't stop til both have finished. Women know it can take a long time and aren't fazed by that, which in itself is quite relaxing.
Having said that, the best orgasms I ever had were from a man, who knew his way round my body better than I did!
Too much information?

I’m 55 and on the full HRT package. I still don’t have any libido and find sex can be painful sometimes. Yet when I was in my 20s, 30s and 40s I loved it, so make the most of it whilst you have got it, I never believed that the menopause (and it doesn’t just stop it continues for the rest of your life and feels like your body is trying to close up) could be so distressing,

I don’t know whether to be incensed or amused by the “you’re not doing it right” posts. How patronising can you get? We’re all different. And many of us are different at different stages of our lives. My mum never liked it. I liked it A LOT. I couldn’t care less now. Hormone levels don’t stay the same.

interesting discussion.
I am 53 and married for 20 years

I would say that I could easily be in the 'rather have a cuddle' box. I very rarely actively want sex, but what I have discovered over the years is that given the right approach, and a willingness on my part to see what happens, I can often be persuaded.

Once I have got turned on, then I really enjoy it.
One other point is that I am always tired and wanting to read/sleep at bedtime, but have discovered that morning sex works well for me.

So, we could have settled for a low/limited sex life, but because it mattered, we have explored and tried different things, and now we have a good sex life which we both enjoy.

I think it is misleading to say women 'give in' and have sex, I am sure some do, but I am also sure that sometimes it just requires a bit of effort to get on board and enjoy it. of course we are free to say no, and not to want to make the effort, but that is true of many things in life!

Since kids are older, we don't have broken nights, and teenagers lie in on Saturday morning, we are finding a whole new dimension to our sex life, but that coudl just have easily not happened, if we had given up on it.

@alsohuman yes I feel the same regarding the posts saying you are not doing it right. Very patronising. I can run really well, I get great times, I love park run - doesn’t mean to say I like running or can be bothered to get up early to go for a run.

It’s no big deal really, is it? Some women like sex and want lots of it, others aren’t that bothered. Exactly the same for men. And as some have said, it changes with age and hormone fluctuations and/or health or psychological reasons too.

It ebbs and flows for us too. That’s just life.

and sex is really important in our relationship i that after sex there is a closeness, a connection that matters that we don't get in any other way.

It is what makes us more than best friends.

I certainly would never ‘submit’ to sex if I didn’t want it, nor see it as an obligation. If a man were to play into the notion of my ‘keeping him happy’ as protection against cheating/leaving I’d be binning him off. And if we got to the point where we’re just sharing a space but no passion or excitement remains then I’d rather be alone than be with a man I no longer fancy. Different, of course, if the decline in sex is due to other factors such as stress/health. As long as our relationship is still mutually satisfying in all other aspects I would still adore him and be happy with him and love him just as much.

I want more sex in my 60s than I ever did in my 40s. Luckily dh, also 60s feels the same. And certainly not average sex either.

I was never really interested in sex,until I met dc dad,the relationship was my longest simply because of the sexual chemistry,cause he's a shit dad and was a shit partner in all other respects.

The premise of the thread is MOST women tolerate (as in lie back and think of England) sex for a easy life. It’s fairly obvious that children/work/health/age impact libido. That’s presumably not what’s being asked??? What’s being asked is basically “do the majority of you let your partners use your bodies to relieve themselves?”. I think this as a concept is rather old fashioned and certainly not the norm among my acquaintances. I think it’s unusual for women to lose all interest in sex or just do it for their partners.

Its just quite clearly very over rated I think and no amount of people wittering on about it as a 'spiritual connection' can change the fact I cannot be arsed

This is just plain rude. Oh so youve declared "its clear" sex is overrated have you? then of course, all of us should just STFU about it shouldnt we and how DARE any of us enjoy it! I couldn't give a rats arse if you never have sex again but I pity you if you think its "overrated" - sorry youve had bad sex because when its great, there is nothing like it!

Yes the general premise is incorrect. ‘Most’ women don’t feel one way or the other - It’s clear that it’s about 50/50 either way, which seems about right to me given the breadth and width of the human experience.

About sex and feminism, sadly little true progress is ever made since every new generation is overwhelmingly socialised to see things from the patriarchal perspective. By the time those women (and a few men) get older and hopefully a little wiser to the shit, the next generation is coming up behind them and we’re back to square one. In fact societal attitudes are generally significantly regressing atm.

I don’t know whether to be incensed or amused by the “you’re not doing it right” posts. How patronising can you get? We’re all different.

Hear, hear! - infuriating. I've clearly said I do have orgasms, nearly every time. I'd still much rather not have to bother at all, and this has always been the case. I've also said that I can be highly attracted to a man, but that sex is not what I would do with him, given the choice. (In case you're wondering, asexual touching and cuddling is what I would prefer.)