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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To of told a lie to not collect her kids

627 replies

Guiltybutstuck · 25/02/2020 14:02

I feel really guilty. A mum I speak to at the gates sent me a message an hour ago. Her youngest was being sent into hospital with a bad chest and she asked if I could possibly pick her two boys up from school. One is in my son's class and the other is older. I don't particularly know these kids other than if we walk up the road with them.

When I read the message the first thing I thought was we have a mile walk home and I don't think I can cope with a toddler and 3 kids with bags and drink bottles and coats etc. They all strip off and Chuck their bags on the pushchairs etc after school.

Also I'm having a really bad period. It's heavy and I'm already in a sweat about school run leaking. I am under the Dr for this and currently getting help and having scans etc. The thought of needing to dart to the loo with other peoples kids here that I don't know is a bit tricky.

My partner's working home today so needs the quiet.

Also it's pancake Day and I have only got enough for us four. My kids will need feeding around 5ish. There will be no telling when they will get back.

Also I would of needed to do abit of a mad hoover and tidy before the school run which I really cba doing today.

I said we were at my sister's tonight so wouldnt be going home. I did say I could nip them to a park for half hour to give them time to come back.

I feel so guilty. I just wasn't prepared and I don't really know them.

Am I a cow for not being more helpful? I was surprised I was the choice of help too.

OP posts:
Pomegranatepompom · 27/02/2020 07:17

The most simple thing would have been to say. I’m really sorry but I can’t. I expect the op felt guilty so tried to say why and pp have jumped on her reasons. Of course OP under no obligation to help when she felt ill.
Honestly I can imagine a reverse thread where people slate the other mum for asking someone she doesn’t know well to pick up her DC.
Can’t do right for doing wrong comes to mind.

Mittens030869 · 27/02/2020 07:19

I agree with all of you here. I was one who didn't vote but if it did it would have been YABU because the question the OP asked was about the lying not the saying no, as the painful periods were a good reason. (I do wonder why she offered to take the kids to the park for an hour when she was so ill she was going to need a blood transfusion? But maybe the real issue was the noise, as it would disturb her DH's 'very important job'?)

I also didn't like the fact that a number of posters were suggesting that the other mum was a CF for asking for help or that she might take advantage? Or that she was unreasonable to want her DH with her. Or even that he might actually likely to support her? (How many threads do we read where the dad takes no interest?)

The other mum didn't insist, and didn't try to guilt trip the OP at all. She asked and then accepted the answer and her DH picked their other DC up.

I think the OP was bullying the posters as much as the other way around. Yes there were a few people who were very unpleasant, but surely when you post a thread on AIBU you know to expect that, especially when the other mum has a sick baby who is actually in hospital? And I've read far worse.

At least the baby is going to be fine,

U2HasTheEdge · 27/02/2020 07:26

I hope that once you've had your tests you don't need any help from anyone because you wouldn't deserve it.

Oh give over! So now OP doesn't deserve any help because she didn't help in this situation when she was feeling physically unwell? I have no doubt that OP has helped many people many times in her life. But hey, she didn't help this time so OP never deserves help ever again. Childish isn't it?

People expect the OP to be helpful and kind but are berating her for not being helpful, by being unkind themselves.. A lot of hypocrites here.

FairNotFair · 27/02/2020 07:40

All this fixating on pancakes and hoovering ... sometimes when we're feeling stressed, overwhelmed or unwell, we can't see the wood for the trees so we focus on something unimportant. The OP sounds overwhelmed and she was feeling lousy - in these circumstances, the feeling that you just can't take on anything else might result in a clumsy white lie. I voted YANBU on that basis. Give her a break - the unkindness and lack of empathy on this thread is completely disproportionate.

Noconceptofnormal · 27/02/2020 07:55

I know it's done but Yanbu OP. Because of your health condition you felt you couldn't cope and so you were right to draw a boundary there. It's not like you were the only person she could have asked and you can hire emergency childminders in this situation as well (I've known someone who had to do that).

I have a health condition too where on bad days I can't even really cope with my own kids let alone someone else's, if it had been on a flare up day I would have said no too, I get it.

Don't feel bad, you know yourself that you would have helped if you could, it's ok.

Mittens030869 · 27/02/2020 08:25

I hope that once you've had your tests you don't need any help from anyone because you wouldn't deserve it. I really hope that the poor woman was able to find someone decent who was prepared to support her in her hour of need and that the baby is okay.

I do agree that the OP could have responded better to the other mum, but really this is uncalled for. The OP is unwell herself and I don't think she could realistically have helped.

LochJessMonster · 27/02/2020 08:56

The issue is that if the other more robust excuses were a factor in your decision then you would have put them in your op instead of your shitty ones Hmm

It’s suspicious how the better, more reasonable excuses were drip fed after the majority said YABU...

FrankieDoyle · 27/02/2020 09:19

I'm one of the majority who thinks YABU.
Not sure why you felt the need to lie?
Also why is taking them to the park easier then just taking them

Mittens030869 · 27/02/2020 09:33

I admit to being very puzzled about it all. Simply because I used to suffer with very bad bleeding (though thankfully I didn't become anaemia or need a blood transfusion). There was no way in the world that I could have spent 2 hours without access to a bathroom without being completely flooded.

I've accepted what the OP said, though, because I wouldn't want to be horrible in the event that it's all true. Because that would be miserable.

I also can't believe that the OP's DH couldn't do the school pick-ups, as he has a car, regardless of the question of whether they should have the other mum's DC there. It would be 20 minutes to half an hour away from his desk. As I said, my DH manages his department when his line manager is off, and has to take lots of important calls. He somehow manages it.

FairNotFair · 27/02/2020 09:41

As I said, my DH manages his department when his line manager is off, and has to take lots of important calls. He somehow manages it

Yes, but Mittens, it's just possible that OP's DH doesn't have the same role as your DH.

I have worked predominantly from home for almost 15 years. Usually I can be flexible. Sometimes I am 100% tied to my desk.

Pomegranatepompom · 27/02/2020 09:45

Her DH was working, not his responsibility to pick up someone else’s DC.

LettuceP · 27/02/2020 10:42

Sorry but ywbu. I hate babysitting and get out of it if I can but a baby in hospital is a "drop everything and help" situation.

Noconceptofnormal · 27/02/2020 10:44

Yes I can't believe people are now suggesting that the OP's husband should now be leaving work to go and pick up someone else's kids ffs.

As it is the woman who's child was ill's husband left early to pick the kids up.... Which tbh you'd think would be what the parents would have done in the first place.

Mittens030869 · 27/02/2020 11:14

He wouldn't be able to if he was at work in the city centre. I wouldn't dream of asking him, certainly not at short notice, not for someone else's kids. And he wouldn't be able to if he was in the middle of an important call. But I have health problems and he finds a way of picking our DDs up sometimes. (He never used to in the past.)

I'm saying that when your OH isn't well (like the OP isn't) then you need to make necessary changes to support her. I'm not even talking about this event. I mean that he needs to support her more in general. And I think her going into hospital for a blood transfusion is a time when he should find a way to support her.

I'm talking about the OP and his DC really.

AriadnesFilament · 27/02/2020 11:34

Jesus, HOW is this insane, awful, mean-spirited character assassination still going on?!

FairNotFair · 27/02/2020 11:42

The level of sanctimony and bile is astonishing, @BiscuitBarrels

AriadnesFilament · 27/02/2020 11:50

It’s absolutely vile @FairNotFair

Morgan12 · 27/02/2020 12:04

Oh ffs why is this thread still active!

OP said no. The childrens dad got them. End of.

Kind of his responsibility anyway is it not?

I know I'd ask my DH before I asked any school mums.

OkMaybeNot · 27/02/2020 12:12

Well this thread is a shitshow. I'd have told her no for the heavy bleeding alone, maybe I'm an even bigger arsehole than OP Confused

I suffer from horrendous bleeding, fainting and nausea during my period. I barely want to pick my own kids up, 0.2 miles away, when I'm bleeding heavily and feeling sick and weak, let alone other peoples' kids whom I barely know.

Can't really understand why OP got such a battering.

5zeds · 27/02/2020 12:14

The Aibu was really about the lie not the childcare anyway.Hmm

Porcupineinwaiting · 27/02/2020 13:40

a baby in hospital is a "drop everything and help" situation

Except apparently for the child's father, who only turned out once a virtual stranger had refused. Hmm

AstonMartini · 27/02/2020 20:34

Can't really understand why OP got such a battering

Because she didn't say no due to anaemia, flooding, illness etc, all of which would have been legitimate reasons. Her main reason, as given in the OP, was that she didn't want extra children dumping their coats and bags on her. She then said she could take them to the park (how, if she's so ill?) She then mentioned her period and pancakes and hoovering. On the basis of that mixture of things, she lied to the other mother about seeing her sister.

I think those were the problems, @OkMaybeNot

funinthesun19 · 27/02/2020 21:40

I hope the op enjoyed her pancakes with her kids guilt free.

spongejack · 28/02/2020 07:34

But @OkMaybeNot the OP was able to take them to the park for an hour? How bad is the bleeding? It just doesn't make any sense.

Piglet89 · 28/02/2020 07:40

@Bubblesgun most of the country cooks the pancakes and doesn’t bother with Ash Wednesday and Lent!