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Original poster

To of told a lie to not collect her kids

627 replies

Guiltybutstuck · 25/02/2020 14:02

I feel really guilty. A mum I speak to at the gates sent me a message an hour ago. Her youngest was being sent into hospital with a bad chest and she asked if I could possibly pick her two boys up from school. One is in my son's class and the other is older. I don't particularly know these kids other than if we walk up the road with them.

When I read the message the first thing I thought was we have a mile walk home and I don't think I can cope with a toddler and 3 kids with bags and drink bottles and coats etc. They all strip off and Chuck their bags on the pushchairs etc after school.

Also I'm having a really bad period. It's heavy and I'm already in a sweat about school run leaking. I am under the Dr for this and currently getting help and having scans etc. The thought of needing to dart to the loo with other peoples kids here that I don't know is a bit tricky.

My partner's working home today so needs the quiet.

Also it's pancake Day and I have only got enough for us four. My kids will need feeding around 5ish. There will be no telling when they will get back.

Also I would of needed to do abit of a mad hoover and tidy before the school run which I really cba doing today.

I said we were at my sister's tonight so wouldnt be going home. I did say I could nip them to a park for half hour to give them time to come back.

I feel so guilty. I just wasn't prepared and I don't really know them.

Am I a cow for not being more helpful? I was surprised I was the choice of help too.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 26/02/2020 10:23

OP you did nothing wrong. 2 parents aren't necessary to take a kid to hospital when there are others to see to. If I had an emergency with one kid I wouldn't ring someone to take my other kids while my bloke came to the hospital with me. People just don't do that, no matter how many hand wringers are posting on this thread. I'll bet they wouldn't do it either.

IrmaFayLear · 26/02/2020 10:23

The dh is an excuse. We have no idea whether he'd help or not. I bet he wasn't even asked. I've used dh as an excuse! "Can Mary come round and play?" "Oh, sorry, Daddy really needs peace and quiet because he's writing an important report." (Of course many times the answer is yes, but sometimes the thought of an unscheduled play date is exhausting.)

The difference is if someone was in an emergency situation then important report or not, I'd help the person out.

Nowayorhighway · 26/02/2020 10:23

I think the overwhelming issue is you were already walking to school and back with your own DC, it’s not like you’d have been going out of your way to collect her children. You blamed your bad period but it isn’t enough to stop you collecting your own DC so it’s obviously not an excuse. You blamed pancakes when you either could’ve given them a different meal (unless you’re a strict Christian that is) or surely your DH could have broken away from his ‘professional call’ for 10-15 mins to pop to the shop for some eggs and flour...

You didn’t want to collect her children, that’s the only reason. You tried to justify it with a billion excuses to alleviate your guilt but really, that’s the only reason you didn’t collect them.

pipnchops · 26/02/2020 10:24

Irmafaylear yes I agree and lots of people don't care if their grammar is correct as long as they get their point across. Which is fair enough I suppose. I wish it didn't grate on me so much, plus my grammar is by no means perfect.

ChickLitLover · 26/02/2020 10:25

That's if he physically could get there in time. He may have had to leave a meeting at work to get to the school in time.

So the dad of the kids who needed picking up should not have his work affected but OPs husband should? Really?

There’s no way my kids dad would let someone we didn’t know well pick our kids up if there was a way he could get there. The dad could get there because he did.

I agree that OPs husband should pick their kids up when she’s poorly though.

ChickLitLover · 26/02/2020 10:32

And we don't necessarily know that the OP was telling the truth about the dad. She did a lot of backpedaling after all. She wouldn't be feeling so guilty if the dad actually could get there easily without having to leave work early.

Well we can only give opinions based on what we’ve been told. If we start assuming people are lying, then maybe the woman was also lying about her kid needing to go to hospital and really she just wanted some time without her older kids. And yes, a similar thing happened to me and my kindness was taken advantage of. I’ve given my opinion assuming what OP wrote is truthful, that’s all we can do.

Also, if the dad could get there, it clearly wasn't going to be the case of having the children overnight, was it? Which the OP stated she was worried about.

But OP didn’t know at the time she was asked, so that’s irrelevant.

Mittens030869 · 26/02/2020 10:35

But she would have known that the dad was on the scene, unless the other mum was a single parent, which doesn't appear to be the case. It doesn't take much to work out that with 2 parents on the scene it won't be necessary for the kids to sleep over at her house, does it?

Anyway, these are questions you ask, rather than simply worrying about it.

Mittens030869 · 26/02/2020 10:37

And even if she was a single parent, the older 2 kids would be going to stay with their dad at his house, so either way it was a bit melodramatic to assume that a sleepover would be necessary.

ChickLitLover · 26/02/2020 10:37

I think the overwhelming issue is you were already walking to school and back with your own DC, it’s not like you’d have been going out of your way to collect her children. You blamed your bad period but it isn’t enough to stop you collecting your own DC so it’s obviously not an excuse

There’s a big difference between popping out to pick up your own kids when you’re feeling crap, than entertaining other kids. When I’ve felt ill, I’ve picked my kids up and come back and lay on the sofa in my pyjamas. I wouldn’t do that if my kids had friends over, I’d want to keep more of an eye on them and have to make an effort. Maybe the kids would have been easy to look after or maybe they’d have been a nightmare, I’ve had my fair share of those kids over to play and I wouldn’t/couldn’t deal with them when ill.

Mittens030869 · 26/02/2020 10:45

@ChickLitLover

You have a good point there, I remember my painful periods. We're all pointing out that the excuses the OP used were lame. Why didn't she say that she had painful periods rather than telling a lie? I bet the other mum doesn't even know that the OP has heavy periods.

If her DH is as precious as the OP has described, he's probably been very dismissive of her problems, otherwise he would have picked up his kids rather than expecting his DW to do it all.

I would have agreed to help, but that's because my DH would have picked the kids up and bought extra food. I certainly couldn't have faced it in the OP's situation when my periods were at their worst.

But then, I would have told her the actual reason why I couldn't do it, not made excuses like pancake mix and hoovering. I think she dug herself into a hole and hence got increasingly defensive about it.

ChickLitLover · 26/02/2020 10:46

But she would have known that the dad was on the scene, unless the other mum was a single parent, which doesn't appear to be the case. It doesn't take much to work out that with 2 parents on the scene it won't be necessary for the kids to sleep over at her house, does it?

But with 2 parents on the scene, and no one to look after the other kids, I would be shocked that they would ask me to have them after school when there’s one to go the the hospital and one go have the other kids. If they’re the type of parents who expect to both be at the hospital and put on someone else then who knows if they would ask for OP to have them overnight.

EC22 · 26/02/2020 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bikerider2020 · 26/02/2020 11:01

If they’re the type of parents who expect to both be at the hospital and put on someone else then who knows if they would ask for OP to have them overnight.

Oh yeah really likely they'd leave them overnight..

Anyway OP had spectacularly back peddled, and disappeared!

Didn't go as she planned I feel!

ChickLitLover · 26/02/2020 11:01

Mittens030869

Yes I agree that OP should have just been honest. She didn’t need a reason but she did have a very valid one if she felt the need to give one, which she clearly did. Some women wouldn’t be comfortable talking about their periods with someone they don’t know well though.

I have on occasion found myself explaining myself too much in situations like these, often because I’ve felt genuinely bad for the other person. I would actually help anyone out if I could, I just don’t think people should be made to feel bad if they don’t for any reason.

funinthesun19 · 26/02/2020 11:06

I actually can’t believe people think the op should have helped.
We’re not talking about the mum running late from work and she’ll only be half an hour. We’re talking possibly hours and hours of waiting to see what will happen next and when the kids will get to go home. How on Earth is that ok to put on to someone you barely even know?

ChickLitLover · 26/02/2020 11:06

Oh yeah really likely they'd leave them overnight..

Well it actually happened to me.... and on my child’s birthday. I’d said I can have the child for an hour but then we we’re visiting family to celebrate the birthday. Parent didn’t turn up til 3 hours later after trying to guilt me into having the child overnight. The parent now ignores me. She has done the same to others, she seems to have a lot of emergencies.

I’m not saying the mum in this case is lying, just that there are some cheeky people out there who seem to think it’s others responsibility to help them out.

funinthesun19 · 26/02/2020 11:10

We’re not talking about the mum running late from work and she’ll only be half an hour.

And I should add, even that would be a huge ask if it’s someone you barely know. But clearly expecting someone you barely know to wait hours with your kids is really taking the mick.

Abracad · 26/02/2020 11:11

You can be the kind of person who steps up to help. Or not.

But if you are unwilling to help others, you can never expect help yourself.

I know which kind of world I would rather live in.

funinthesun19 · 26/02/2020 11:16

But if you are unwilling to help others, you can never expect help yourself.

But that’s the thing. I don’t expect help from random people. So I don’t expect to have to help random people. And to the op, the mum is a random person. She knows of her but doesn’t really know anything about her.

I do help people who are close to me and they return the favour. And even then, I try to figure things out myself before it gets to that point where I have to ask for help.

ChickLitLover · 26/02/2020 11:18

And as well as the parent ignoring me, the child also started being nasty to my child. Clearly the parent had involved the child in her anger at me not having the child overnight. She’s a cheeky fucker, theres a lot out there. I just feel sorry for the kids.

MNHQ
GloriaMumsnet · 26/02/2020 11:18

Hi all, please note that we aren't a fan of grammar policing, and moderate against it to remove! Thanks

Mittens030869 · 26/02/2020 11:18

There are parents like that, we see plenty on here in the CF threads. But the OP hasn't said that this mum was one to put upon people generally. Don't you think that if that were the case, the OP would have been only too happy to tell us so as part of a 'drip-feed'? Instead she just got more defensive about it.

You're adding things in that are not there. There's no evidence that this mum has ever asked the OP for help. Maybe unreasonable, but in an emergency don't people often panic? Suggesting that she's a CF isn't warranted on the basis of an emergency.

Obviously with 2 parents it's doable. When I had minor surgery, my DH took me to the hospital then took our DDs to KFC before picking me up afterwards. But when it's unexpected, especially with a baby, that causes panic.

Blackbear19 · 26/02/2020 11:22

I too think the ladies DH is a red herring.

We don't know if he really did pick up or at what inconvenience.
He could have been miles away, struggle to get back, could be hourly paid no work no pay, could be a surgeon who needed to cancel operations. Or anything inbetween.

Op could have taken those kids without too much inconvenience to herself / her DH working from home.

ChickLitLover · 26/02/2020 11:23

But that’s the thing. I don’t expect help from random people

Me neither. And I haven’t always had people I can ask. I have used childminders or babysitting services on rare occasions as I’d rather do this.

Bikerider2020 · 26/02/2020 11:29

Me neither. And I haven’t always had people I can ask. I have used childminders or babysitting services on rare occasions as I’d rather do this.

But probably impossible to sort in an emergency, that's the trouble with emergencies they happen when you least expect them..,,

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