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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To of told a lie to not collect her kids

627 replies

Guiltybutstuck · 25/02/2020 14:02

I feel really guilty. A mum I speak to at the gates sent me a message an hour ago. Her youngest was being sent into hospital with a bad chest and she asked if I could possibly pick her two boys up from school. One is in my son's class and the other is older. I don't particularly know these kids other than if we walk up the road with them.

When I read the message the first thing I thought was we have a mile walk home and I don't think I can cope with a toddler and 3 kids with bags and drink bottles and coats etc. They all strip off and Chuck their bags on the pushchairs etc after school.

Also I'm having a really bad period. It's heavy and I'm already in a sweat about school run leaking. I am under the Dr for this and currently getting help and having scans etc. The thought of needing to dart to the loo with other peoples kids here that I don't know is a bit tricky.

My partner's working home today so needs the quiet.

Also it's pancake Day and I have only got enough for us four. My kids will need feeding around 5ish. There will be no telling when they will get back.

Also I would of needed to do abit of a mad hoover and tidy before the school run which I really cba doing today.

I said we were at my sister's tonight so wouldnt be going home. I did say I could nip them to a park for half hour to give them time to come back.

I feel so guilty. I just wasn't prepared and I don't really know them.

Am I a cow for not being more helpful? I was surprised I was the choice of help too.

OP posts:
Blackbear19 · 26/02/2020 11:34

Exactly Bikerider!
I'm sure everyone has a childminder in their contacts, who's got capacity to take 2 kids at a moment's notice.

Mittens030869 · 26/02/2020 11:43

All I know is that I'd have to be desperate if I had to resort to asking a mum I didn't know well to look after my DDs in an emergency.

That's not to say the OP was wrong to say no, maybe she really couldn't step in because she wasn't well enough, but casting aspersions on the other mum and suggesting that she's a CF taking advantage with no evidence to back that up. The OP has made no suggestion that that's the case, otherwise she would have said so rather than just making excuses.

ChickLitLover · 26/02/2020 11:43

There's no evidence that this mum has ever asked the OP for help. Maybe unreasonable, but in an emergency don't people often panic? Suggesting that she's a CF isn't warranted on the basis of an emergency.

Sorry, I wasn’t suggesting this mum was a CF. I’m sure she was completely genuine and hope her child is ok. Someone said ‘as if they’d ask you to have them overnight’, like that was definitely not a thing. I was just pointing out that it happens and OP had no way of knowing that it wouldn’t. With the limited information OP was given, she didn’t know that definitely wouldn’t be expected.

Bluerussian · 26/02/2020 11:48

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ChickLitLover · 26/02/2020 11:48

But probably impossible to sort in an emergency, that's the trouble with emergencies they happen when you least expect them..,,

Well I paid a small retainer with a childminder at one point when we had a period where we had no help on hand in an emergency. I have also used an agency baby sitting service which was very easy to use at very short notice. I set these things up so that IF an emergency happened, my children were cared for. You have to put these things in place if you literally have no one. Of course it’s not unreasonable to ask a favour of a school mum, but it it unreasonable to tell her she’s wrong for saying no.

Mittens030869 · 26/02/2020 11:53

But the other mum didn't tell her that, did she? After all, the OP told her she had a prior arrangement. It's only PPs on here who have said that.

SD1978 · 26/02/2020 12:03

Ultimately no one can really say. Personally- I would have taken them. The reason are more excuses but at the end of the day you didn't want to help and didn't. If you're not close then potentially there are a few people had already said no. I'm glad I know I have a few school mums I can rely on and vice versa ifneeded- makes things much less problematic!

funinthesun19 · 26/02/2020 13:27

But probably impossible to sort in an emergency, that's the trouble with emergencies they happen when you least expect them..,,

Surely that’s where the other parent comes in to it then. If it’s an emergency regarding their child.
It’s completely unreasonable to get the pitch forks out at the op or any other school mum in her position who has said no to helping out when someone has asked them. I’d say there’s a bigger expectation on family members to shuffle their lives around in an emergency than the op.

Porcupineinwaiting · 26/02/2020 13:49

You can be the kind of person who steps up to help. Or not.

There is a third option. You can be the kind of person who steps up to help sometimes.

User12879923378 · 26/02/2020 13:54

OP didn't feel that she could do it and so was right to say no. That really is all there is to it.

All this "either you step or you don't" stuff is just a way of conning women people into feeling that they always have to drop whatever it is they want to do for other people.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/02/2020 14:08

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Bikerider2020 · 26/02/2020 14:12

Surely that’s where the other parent comes in to it then. If it’s an emergency regarding their child.
It’s completely unreasonable to get the pitch forks out at the op or any other school mum in her position who has said no to helping out when someone has asked them. I’d say there’s a bigger expectation on family members to shuffle their lives around in an emergency than the op.

But nobody knows if the father was too far away, it's been said after a lot of back peddling and then disappearing that he collected them "early", but honestly if would seem that just excused OP for not stepping up.

Abracad · 26/02/2020 14:41

I suppose that’s my point in a nutshell funinthesun19 - you either do or do not want to help in this scenario. But as long as you, the OP, and others like you are consistent in what you ask as well as offer, then it’s not for me to fault you. Regardless of whether I might not like it, or agree. Of whether it’s a choice I would make personally, and not really a community I would want to be part of or a friendship I would pursue. It’s two different ways of looking at the world. And not one I can understand.

Original poster
Guiltybutstuck · 26/02/2020 14:43

I just popped back on today and read the pages and pages of complete nasty responses to my post. I think alot of you should question why you have decided to call me alot of nasty things for asking a genuine question. I'm happy to accept I could of done more. But I am not lying about the kids dad collecting them early. He was at the hospital with her. This hospital is an hour away from my home and therefore he had to drive back to sort his children out. The child is now home and is absolutely ok!

I don't have the mums number. It was a Facebook message. I literally don't know this lady that much at all. We only speak if we walk together. She's nice enough. Perhaps in the future we will become closer. Also I'm sure one day I will help her out with something. I've helped people before. I'm far from the things I've been called on here.

I don't think my oh picking up two strange kids he's never seen and putting them in his Car without seats would of been appropriate. My child would not go with a strange man after school. Believe me he looks after me when I'm bad. He's taken over today and I'm in bed. Going to hospital tomorrow for my transfusion. I've had a horrible night. I didn't have my pancakes you will be happy to know.

It's discusting how nasty people can be. The op is not a nice person? Thankfully there's people in this world who know I'm nice and have been helped by me. I'm far from a nasty person. Sorry my grammar wasn't up to your standards. Typically of where my family is from we talk like that and I just write it how I say it. I'm not very intelligent I guess. It gave you a buzz to bully though.

Perhaps you should remember all the stuff from last week. About online bullying. About being nasty for no reason and tearing someone else down for not being perfect. Don't pretend you have never put your own family first. Dont pretend you've never struggled. Don't pretend you have been in a pickle and not been able to help. The mum at the gates knows I care and I'm sure one day I'll get to know her and her kids abit more. I have not back pedalled about anything.

Time to leave this now and stop standing around the couldron. Let's hope nobody ever tears you to pieces and bullies you when you genuinely felt awful. Lesson learned as always. Mumsnet is full of bored bullies hiding behind a keyboard. Disgusting. This post should be taken down!

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 26/02/2020 14:47

But nobody knows if the father was too far away, it's been said after a lot of back peddling and then disappearing that he collected them "early", but honestly if would seem that just excused OP for not stepping up.

It’s so convenient to ignore the possibility that the dad could have been available though isn’t it?
The op doesn’t even need to be excused! She’s done nothing wrong. And “stepping up”? You make it sound like she had a responsibility to do something when she didn’t.

Look, you don’t know how difficult the op is finding things do you? None of us do. Maybe she is exhausted and couldn’t handle the extra 2 kids. Even something so simple like some fucking pancakes with her children could have been something she was really looking forward to.

This thread is so full of simpletons who think the op is simply being mean and lazy. It sounds like it’s a bit deeper than. But carry on in your holier than thouness...

funinthesun19 · 26/02/2020 14:50

Op, honestly you have done nothing whatsoever wrong.

Sometimes you have to put your physical and mental well-being first. I hate hearing how people feel like the have to bend over backwards for everyone else and then run themselves in the ground in doing so. If you say yes once then that will be it. It will happen again and again and again. If you’re not up to it you can say NO.

ChickLitLover · 26/02/2020 15:08

Well said OP.

The fact that you felt guilty about not helping this woman says to me that you’re a kind person. Many people would have said no and not given it another thought. The thread has gone from nasty to completely bizarre thinking that the OPs husband is somehow more responsible for picking these kids up than their own father. Mumsnet is fucking crazy sometimes !

I hope both you and this woman’s child are feeling better soon OP. Flowers

Whencountingto10isntenough · 26/02/2020 15:09

In that situation I would have absolutely helped, the bit about the walk home confused me. To be honest that would have been a great opportunity for your child to carry their own bits home for a one off along with the other children and learn that we all have to work together when something happens. I do have great sympathy for you though regarding the iron levels and if you weren’t well enough to help then you have nothing to feel sorry about but the other points certainly wouldn’t have prevented me helping someone in crisis. Sadly lots of people have very limited options in way of support and I hope that my children remember the times I was kind to others and that it influences their choices.

Cacaca · 26/02/2020 15:15

@Guiltybutstuck fair play for you coming back after all the nasty abuse you’ve taken on here. You’ve been absolutely undeservedly torn apart on here. I’m highly doubtful all the respondents on the post would drop everything for someone they know in passing.

Original poster
Guiltybutstuck · 26/02/2020 15:23

It's just pure nastiness. They will be back soon to pick at the odd post I argued back. I'm a mum of two young kids who does her best. I would give anything to have energy to be full of life and helpful. I'm 30 and sometimes I cry because I think my life will never be how it was again. I have had holidays and my period has made me loose half of it. I have to make sure I book everything around them as much as possible. Some days I'm really happy and others I feel so anxious. People needing me tips me over the edge because I'm barely hanging on right now for myself. I have to sit on towels on my own sofa. I've never been the same since having kids. I used to make plans without a second thought.

I'm glad the baby is ok. Turned out I wasn't needed anyway as he collected them early. The thing is I wouldn't feel I could ask them a favour as my kids don't know them. Maybe my mind works differently. If she replied and said they were stuck id of not left her stuck. But her oh had a car and got back.

OP posts:
5zeds · 26/02/2020 15:33

I would imagine she was scared for the baby and wanted her oh with her in hospital.

I honestly don’t understand why you are so surprised other people would do more than you in the same situation? It’s a choice isn’t it? You chose to make up a lie about going to your sister and others would have chosen to help. That doesn’t make them bullies or need to be attacked and told they are lying/don’t understand/need a cape. What it means is your choice was different to theirs.

Original poster
Guiltybutstuck · 26/02/2020 15:36

No it doesn't make them bullies for doing more or saying they would.

Read the thread and you will see which bits are totally uncalled for.....

OP posts:
5zeds · 26/02/2020 15:45

I have

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/02/2020 15:48

This post should be taken down!

If you ask MN they will take down your thread.

You know in your heart that you weren't being fair to this woman, otherwise you wouldn't have come out with all of these excuses about why you couldn't help her.

BTW - Your grammar doesn't bother me - as you say, we have different dialects/ accents. But your attitude does a bit.

ChickLitLover · 26/02/2020 15:50

I have

Read it again then. If you can’t see the nasty posts, maybe you’ve become desensitised to such comments, hardly surprising if you spend much time on Mumsnet.

But you know #BeKind and all that good stuff. 🙄