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AIBU to change DS' birthday when he's too young to decide?

309 replies

tempnamechange98765 · 25/02/2020 13:14

DS is 4 and his birthday is Boxing Day. Up until last year his birthday has always been fine, if inconvenient, but last year it really was rubbish that we couldn't do anything special on the day due to nothing being open. We're always at my DParents as we go there Christmas Day and it's not an option to not stay there Christmas Day night (two DCs who go to bed early).

This year just gone the weather was rubbish so we couldn't even go out for a nice walk or play in the garden. Because my DParents get to see him on his birthday it's only fair that we invite ILs too, who although I get along with them, they are a pain. I have a good relationship with my own DParents but they're a bit fussy/controlling on Christmas and his birthday (understandably so I guess as it's at their house!) so it's always been us/them awkwardly hosting ILs. Which was fine when DS was little but as he gets older he doesn't like too much fuss/formality, he only has baby DS so no other children to play with, so on his last birthday he really misbehaved due to being bored/having cabin fever/having had far too many presents and focus just on Christmas Day let alone more on his birthday. I felt sad for him as we couldn't make it special.

In comparison we've just celebrated other DS' first birthday, and although he's too young to care, we were able to do it exactly as we wanted - balloons, a banner and a pile of presents waiting for him when he woke up, and we all went to lunch and softplay. Simple, but lovely, and older DS would've loved that as his own birthday.

Would I be unreasonable to change DS' birthday to a couple of days later, say the 28th of December? We would be at home and all the Christmas presents would be unpacked/put away, everything would be open again so we could go to softplay/lunch/McDonald's/museum/whatever HE wants to do, and we would have control over the day with it being in our house so could make it special, no pressure on him.

OP posts:
PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 25/02/2020 14:45

Sorry for clarity - yes we would pretend his birthday was say the 28th of December, and not acknowledge it on his birthday. At least for the next few years, then when he's a bit older we can let him choose, but obviously highlight that nothing is open on Boxing Day.

You're really tying yourself in knots over something quite simple. By 4/5 years old surely he knows when his birthday is already?Inventing an elaborate lie is ridiculous. Lots of people with birthdays on Christmas day/eve Boxing day celebrate a week or so later it's really not a big deal. Tell him we do your birthday a few days later so shops are open and we can celebrate in style. I'm sure he'll be fine with it. Once mine were at school we often didn't go out to eat on the actual day of their birthday as they'd be too tired and DH wouldn't be home from work in time. We just did it on Saturday instead. Really no need for a drama.

chuck7 · 25/02/2020 14:47

YABU. Many kids are at school on their birthdays. You just celebrate on the weekend. If you have things you want to do for his BD just find a convenient day and do it but wi wouldn't like about when his BD is

Hollywhiskey · 25/02/2020 14:48

My daughter has her birthday on Christmas Eve so it's similar. We do a family day on her birthday, normally the zoo and then a party in June.

Quartz2208 · 25/02/2020 14:48

Ok OP you dont have a birthday day issue at all.

First off with the inlaws the biggest relief to me came when I realised that I did not have to allocate out everything between grandparents exactly. Making individual choices about what was best for each set made such as difference. Mine see my parents far more than my FIL but that is the amount everyone wants.

Secondly tell your husband that if you want to have CHristmas at home and not at your parents you damn well will

you do need to be more assertive and then this whole issue will solve itself

Littlebluetruck · 25/02/2020 14:49

OP, I’m confused.

Why in your initial post did you make a big deal out of “awkwardly hosting ILs” on Boxing Day if the only stay for an hour?

It seems you want them to stay longer, but also don’t want them there either?

Littlebluetruck · 25/02/2020 14:50


IamMoana · 25/02/2020 14:55

I have a 5 year old with a Christmas Eve birthday. She has her party mid December so her friends/family can come. We have always framed her having a birthday over Christmas as being so special. It'll only be a negative to your child if you make it one. The amount of people who say 'what a shame' when it's mentioned. Not for us, for one second. Life is what you make it.

crustycrab · 25/02/2020 14:56

The weather? Confused is it going to be much different 2 days further into winter?! Bonkers

tempnamechange98765 · 25/02/2020 14:58

littlebluetruck no it's that we have to accommodate them at all really. They're entitled and irritating (well, MIL and SIL) - DS come and open OUR presents now, and DS sit by ME when we eat our cake, all while my parents are flapping (needlessly) about making sure everyone's got nice food and drink. And as I said FIL couldn't give two shits and is visibly miserable for the duration.

I would rather they didn't come at all, as we still have to plan it round them seeing DS - as MIL obviously has in her head an idea of how her grandchildren's birthdays should be, and that's it. She was visibly annoyed that she didn't see DS2 on his first birthday recently (no one did - we had a day just the four of us and it was lovely) even though she popped in the day before.

In future I think we'll definitely just do a low key cinema trip/food, just the four of us (although would DS2 still be too young this year, he won't be quite 2...). As DS1 gets older hopefully he will have a friend or two that we can invite for a play date in between Christmas and new year then.

OP posts:
tempnamechange98765 · 25/02/2020 14:59

The weather thing is the combination of crap weather and nothing being open! The weather was horrendous on DS2's birthday but softplay was still open!

Panto has been suggested a few times and currently DS would hate it (he hates singing type shows and anything that involves public that involves joining in) but he might be a bit different as he gets older.

OP posts:
Tableclothing · 25/02/2020 15:00

I know a family whose DC's birthday is on Christmas Day. Each year they celebrate DC's "half-birthday" in the middle of summer. It's fine.

Iloveplacentas · 25/02/2020 15:07

My cousins birthday is Boxing Day, they always used to have a family party at his house on the day with grandparents and cousins, it was great and worked well until he was a teen when he started going shooting Confused with his friends and still does at the age of 40. You need to find yourself a family tradition. We always go to the pantomime on Boxing day. Of course you can have his birthday party whenever you like. My daughter is 3rd Jan, I do sympathise as weather is crap and lots of things are closed/people are away. We have her party when school starts back. But it would be super weird to change their actual birthday!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 25/02/2020 15:08

Does the winter wonderland open on boxing day? Adventure golf in the St Davids shopping centre followed by lunch in Frankie and Bennys?

Bluntness100 · 25/02/2020 15:11

Gosh, I thought you’d maybe written this incorrectly and you just want to celebrate later, but it appears you actually wish to lie to your child about their birthday and not even wish them happy birthday on the day.

That’s just so far from ok I am struggling to believe you’re actually asking.

Do what everyone else does. Happy birthday on the right day. Your gifts. celebration later with everyone else’s. explain Why properly.

But don’t be lying to your kid about their birthday and not mentioning it on the day. That’s beyond a weird thing to do.

4amWitchingHour · 25/02/2020 15:13

Pretty much everyone is saying it's weird to do this OP. Listen to them.

You need to find another solution than pretending his birthday is a different day - your in-laws may be difficult, but perhaps TALK to them, and say they can't come round on his birthday anymore, but arrange another time instead. There must be some things you can do that are fun at home?!! What if his birthday was Christmas Day, would the in-laws still be traipsing round?

My friend's birthday is Christmas Day, her family always had the morning as Christmas, and the late afternoon (around the time of her birth) as a specific time to celebrate her birthday. She loved it. You can think creatively without lying.

lowlandLucky · 25/02/2020 15:14

2 of my friends have Christmas Birthdays, one on the 24th and one on the 25th, they both celebrate in June

longwayoff · 25/02/2020 15:16

I opened this thread thinking ' what fresh madness is this?' to find my son shares a birthday with yours. That's an excellent idea, I should have done it myself, smallish birthday thingy and then something extra special in summer when friends available for parties and days out.

Bluntness100 · 25/02/2020 15:19

Long are you saying you think it’s an excellent idea to lie to the child about their birthday and not acknowledge it on the day? Because your post would indicate that’s not what you think and you just haven’t read the thread,

The op is talking full on lying to the child and not mentioning his birthday in the day at all, never mind doing a small birthday thing.

strawberry2017 · 25/02/2020 15:31

I know a few people who do summer month birthday parties for December kids!
My DD is the 12/12 and I plan to do her parties at the end of November so Xmas doesn't cause problems with attendance

goingoverground · 25/02/2020 15:31

Does your DS have the name of a saint please don't say it's Stephen? One of my DC has a similar birthday to your DS. We went with celebrating his birthday on his (saint's) name day (it's an Orthodox tradition), even though we are not religious, so it is a day that has relevance to him.

Frouby · 25/02/2020 15:36

As he gets older he will want parties with his school friends, and mid holiday parties are never well attended ime.

I would still celebrate his actual birthday on his birthday,but have his party after the Christmas break. For now it will work on the 28th but once he is at school then the weekend after they are back at school would probably be better.

But with him being 4 and with it being the day after Christmas he will absolutely know if you suddenly change the date!

Frothybothie · 25/02/2020 15:38

Soory baby, you were born too soon - back you go Ouch!

RollaCola84 · 25/02/2020 15:40

I have a friend with three children two of whom were born between Christmas and New Year, they both have "official birthdays" in the summer when they have their parties for school friends, get their main presents etc. Minimal marking of their actual birthday within the immediate family, you could do something like that?

Pilot12 · 25/02/2020 15:40

My nephew celebrates his birthday two weeks before Christmas, it's works out nicely for everyone (but the date of his actual birthday is still his birthday, he just gets to have his party and birthday meal early on a day chosen by him).

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 25/02/2020 15:41

Have his birthday on the 26th as it is now with just grandparents giving their presents. Then make a big thing about his party day on whichever day you choose when you go where he wants and invite whoever he wants, open all his other presents on party day.

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