Calling people in laws when not married

[rosie991]

Am I the only one who finds this odd?

I keep coming across people in relationships (but not married) who refer to their partners parents, siblings etc as 'mother in law', father in law, sister in law etc.

Surely the meaning of 'in law' mean you are married to said person 'in law?'

Not sure why it bothers me, just confuses me when someone says this

I don't know what people are bothered about. Using terms like "in laws" and "stepchildren" even when (gasp!) people aren't married just makes for easier conversations. You know what the relationships are without a load of tedious and pedantic explanations.

It's only the Mental health act that needs to clarify the legal position, every other agency recognises long term cohabitation.

What do you mean by this?

Technically incorrect but I couldn't care less what other people call their family members.

It's not confusing or feeling superior, it's a factually correct term being bastardised for want of a better word. As in, changing the definition, not refucing its 'quality'.
People thinking the world is flat or the sun is made of water has no impact on me either, yet I can still look at them at think 'err no. You're wrong'. I mostly can't understand why someone would choose not to follow a tradition, and then effectively lie in the use of invented titles. Weird, not confusing.

It's only the Mental health act that needs to clarify the legal position, every other agency recognises long term cohabitation
Er, I think you'll find that not every agency does.
Certainly if you separate or one of you dies it is pretty important.

I refer to partner's family as in-laws, it's just convenient - easier than saying "my partner's mother" and phrases like that. We've been together thirty years so it seems reasonable to assume our family relationship is permanent

Someone once referred to them as "your parents-out-of-law" which I thought was quite cool though.

What kind of confusion is this creating for you?

I read your OP as suggesting that marriage is some kind of thing to be aspired to, and that you're irritated that those who use this convenient shorthand for describing familial relationships despite being unmarried, are somehow imposters, seeking to bask in the glory of this 'special status'.
Pedantic and smug. Meh.

Yes!
It makes my teeth itch just as much as poor grammar does. I can’t help it. And yes, I know it doesn’t harm or affect me in any way blah blah blah...

the people so quick to jump on those asking why you'd use particular terms and using words like 'smug' 'pathetic' etc - they are the ones who sound as if they have a problem!

I disagree, people (myself included) are just responding to a subject someone else brought up and commenting on how disingenuous and petty it sounds to be bothered or "confused" (seriously?) by it

If someone introduced someone or spoke about someone as their husband/wife/in-laws etc then I would assume they are married. Either I don’t know anyone in RL who refers to others like this or else I haven’t realised they aren’t married.

Whilst I can understand saying in-laws is easier for long term relationships, I’d think it was a bit odd for someone to call their boyfriend or girlfriend their husband or wife but that’s probably just because I don’t know anyone who does that and if I did it would probably seem normal. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Don't sweat the small stuff.

It isn't interesting and it doesn't matter.

NB. Anyone, married or otherwise who would like to adopt my in-laws, please be my guest!

Arya - to be clear, I was referring to the deliberately calling your partner your husband thing. I find that weird, and loaded in the extreme. The in-laws thing - which was the actual OP, so I'm off topic a bit - I agree with you, in-laws for partner's family isn't confusing, largely because the distinction doesn't matter at all.

But introducing your partner as your husband or wife? I think that's really quite different, and I think it really does say a huge amount about how the person doing that perceives value in relationships. And yes, confusing, as more than one example upthread makes clear.

I mostly can't understand why someone would choose not to follow a tradition, and then effectively lie in the use of invented titles. Weird, not confusing.

Calling it a "lie" is very emotive. I think it's that sort of language that makes it seem like those who object to the term being used in this manner have some sort of underlying issue around marriage.

It's not a lie, it's just a conversational short hand. No one is trying to nefariously deceive you, they're probably just trying to avoid a tedious litany of everyone's precise legal relationship to each other.

I just cannot imagine giving a shit about this sort of thing.

I was with my dh 14 years before we married had a house and two kids, it was just easier to call him my husband and I think if I called him my boyfriend it would feel a little childish. Can't see why anyone would care, some people may have been surprised when we did get married, no one told us off it's no big deal

It's only really an issue in the extremely rare cases it might have a bearing on the conversation - if it was some kind of legal thing you were discussing. In most cases, it describes the type of relationship you have with someone - no different really from calling your mum's friend your 'auntie' or your dad's second cousin your 'uncle'.

Perhaps it is because marriage is only important to those who do it.

I don't want to call my OH my " boyfriend" - we are in our 50s. "Partner"? Well he already has a business partner. "Live in lover"? "significant other"? "him indoors"?

Husband is the most convenient term. I don't rate marriage at all apart from a few legal shortcuts- but these can simply be dealt with through a lawyer.

We are not duping anyone, not out to commit fraud or con anyone out of their cash.
I can't see it harms anyone.

Well, in the case of the person I mentioned in my first post, I’d put her name down in an official document wrongly because she’d been calling herself by her boyfriend’s name for years.

I wouldn’t be taking my BFs name when it’s not.

I offended someone else when saying she was married to someone who called her his wife.

I wouldn’t call my partner my husband.

And if anyone calls their partners family in laws and then berates you for calling them in laws is a bit weird.

Most of us who call our DPs family in laws are not that strange! I don’t know what friends you have @FakeFraudSquad but they sound odd.

It’s just for convenience isn’t it? I find it simple to understand. I’m sorry you are so confused by it.

@FakeFraudSquad

When discussing weddings etc we’ve put our foot in it sometimes with new friends by asking “did you have your SILs as bridesmaids at your wedding?” or “What did you MIL wear to your wedding?” and then they’ve said “we aren’t married!”.

I've never asked anyone those questions in my life. Why on earth would you?

I got a work colleague’s dd a personalised present as a gift with the wrong last name on because despite wearing a ring on her wedding finger, always referring to in laws and “hubs” they weren’t married and she had given her dd her partner’s last name.

Why would you buy a personalised gift for someone if you weren't' sure what their name was?

I have an ex BIL that I still call my BIL. Is that wrong? Are we being deceitful? In fact he calls me his "sister," we are close. I can't see the problem.

I never introduce my partner as anything other than my partner. But we are entering into a Civil Partnership next month so despite remaining my partner, my partner's family will be my in-laws. I don't refer to DP's family as in law's - I always say DP's dad or DP's brother in law etc. I don't plan to change this habit.

People often call DP "your husband" and I don't correct them unless it's pertinent because it doesn't matter.

Before me and DH got married my Mil treated herself to a daft wee ornament that said ‘worlds best mother in law’ I beg to differ!!!! Also unless DH has a secret married sibling somewhere well wtaf!

I don't think the term "in-law" when attached to familial relationships like that has any actual standing in our legal system. It's just a way of indicating they are family to you but not blood-related. Since that's the same whether you are actually married to your partner or not, it's not unreasonable to use the term in either situation.

OK, please don't call them outlaws as that implies that they are wanted by someone.
Boom boom.