AIBU to think some of you are awful?

[KMW79]

I have been mainly just reading (over the past 6 months) the popular threads on the ‘mumsnet daily’ via email inbox.

Honestly I have been so shocked by the influx of negative, unhelpful and destructive responses that people receive. Even when people don’t agree with an OPs opinion or a respondents reply or even whom the OP was posting about, so many are seemingly so keen to attack in such a virile nature! Name calling, aggressive, viscous responses when someone asked for a basic opinion.

Elaborating on why someone is or isn’t being unreasonable doesn’t require an attack on either side of the viewpoint. It blows my mind how nasty people can be, and I don’t believe that was what this forum was created for!

Could this forum maybe return to what it was intended for?

A thread telling people they are awful for telling people they are awful.

Irony at its best.

Keyboard warriors, They wouldnt dare be that rude in real life

@KMW79 I think the majority of people are really nice, but there is a hardcore of (a few) people on AIBU... I reckon there's about half a dozen... who are just mean and spiteful for the sake of it. The same 5 or 6 posters pop up on lots of threads, bashing the OP when they're down, and using very typical mumsnet-type phrases.. 'are you on glue' you sound unhinged' and 'why did you have children with this man,' and 'you don't sound very bright.' And other snarky, rude put-downs designed to make people feel even more shit than they already do.

Apart from the usual 5 or 6 suspects, you often get 'new' posters popping up to attack posters too. And I have seen someone post on a thread purely to attack a poster, and for no other reason. No other contribution to the thread, just that attack.

You just know which posters are going to post nasty/goady comments too. Whenever I see the last poster on a thread (when looking at the front page of the threads,) and I can see it's a certain one of about half a dozen posters, I KNOW it's going to be an unpleasant/goady/unhelpful post that will almost certainly be attacking the OP (and/or another posters...)

It is only in AIBU though, and occasionally in Relationships, and Chat. And for the most part, mumsnet is fab. So many lovely, funny, intelligent, wise women on here, who have made me feel a LOT better about myself, and the shit going on in my life.

I also don't 'get' people saying 'leave then!' It's like when people say Coronation Street is a bit shit these days, it used to be so good in the 1970s/1980s/1990s, 2000's, and someone says 'well don't watch it then!'

It's not always as cut and dried and that. When someone loves something and takes part in it/watches it for many years and then it goes shit (in their opinion,) it's not because they want to bail, they are complaining because they want it to IMPROVE... Do people seriously not get that?

YANBU OP.

@damnthatanxiety

Totally agree OP - So many people seem to take every single opportunity to start accusing people of being controlling, stalking, paranoid, unhinged or some other bad thing when in actual fact, the poster is just being normal. I do not think these negative posters are being 'blunt' or 'honest'. I think that MN, like all online forums have a % of people who love the opportunity to be nasty anonymously.

100% this. ^

And one thing I am sure of is that the people who DO get nasty and spiteful and goady, and mock and deride people, are deeply unhappy people with not much joy in their life, probably miserable in their job (if they have one,) and have no friends or anyone who cares about them. So if anything, we should be pitying them.

I say all this because anyone who is happy and content with their life and who have people around them who care about them and love them, would not be posting with such spite and vitriol.

Yes, sometimes people need to be told they are wrong and unreasonable, (sometimes bluntly,) but the hate and spite and malice that comes out of the mouths of some posters is just so unnecessary. Keyboard warriors they're called, and they most certainly would never talk to people like that in real life - ever.

MN is more civil and more intelligent than most places I've been on the internet.

You'll get the piss taken out of you if you don't have perfect speling and grammars though.

AIBU is a bit rough for sure, but the solution is - Don’t look at it. Go read somewhere else on the site.

Just as in real life, there are lovely people and horrible people on MN, and most are somewhere in between. And just like everywhere else on the internet, people are more inclined to say what they think, because it's anonymous.

I don't think I'm nasty to people on here, but to be honest OP, joining a community and then hanging around for 6 months hating it so that you can tell all its members they are doing it wrong does make you look a bit of an arse. For future reference: 1)check out a site 2) if you don't like it, leave.

I think it's easier to be an arse on here because it's anonymous... I doubt most of the unpleasant people on here would say half the things they post to peoples faces, it's just easier to do behind a screen.

Then you just get the all around unpleasant ones who are just as nasty in real life... I pity people who are so bitter that they can't be kind.

This can be a seriously unpleasant forum. There is no doubt that there are a lot of people who take pleasure in being nasty. Sometimes the default position. I dont want the Waltons but am regularly knocked back at some of the replies. Even language peppered like "cunt" do you really talk like this in real life? I would really not like children to mimic this. Leave the bastard and go NC with MIl is also default. Is this just online behaviour? I hope so. If I met some of you in the supermarket I would head off in the opposite direction

Some people seem to come here purely to find something too be angry about. They'll read an OP, wilfully misinterpret it, and go on a rant at the poster for something they never said or did.

I can't get into the head of someone who'd do that. It must be a miserable life for them and anyone who knows them in real life.

Please can you give some examples?

I would never, ever come here for advice or support, and would never recommend it to anyone else.

I made the mistake of asking for help when at my wits end once, and got nothing but vitriol back. (A very simple "could someone recommend a certain food product for my child".. responses ranged from me being a terrible mother, to not knowing how to parent, and having caused my child's medical issues)

Awful place. I now just use AIBU for time killing amusement.

Hardly a day goes by without one of these threads. It's not compulsory to be on here. If it doesn't suit you, don't use MN. I find it interesting and useful but I have realistic expectations.

I really like the trenchant opinions. As for the oft-repeated homily about "if you can't say anything nice..." that is bollocks - think about all the people who actually need a reality check and then ask if they'd ever be challenged if we all had to be "nice" all the time.

You're not wrong, AIBU can get pretty fierce, but that's why I like it.

The other sections are amazingly supportive. AIBU has its own distinct tone. Don't read it if you don't want to.

Well it's always safe to refer to the "usual suspects* because you can never be asked to name them. If the same people are consistently reported for personal abuse I would assume MNHQ would act. People do hide under name changes to be unpleasant of course.

I really have valued amazing support on a thread re bereavement. Nothing but open helpful supportive vibe.
I have never started a thread interestingly and I think that’s because I’ve seen really awful comments. If ever I needed help or had a ‘lighthearted predicament’ etc I’m not sure I’d want to receive a load of abuse In amongst helpful/ thoughtful/funny responses. I’m not talking about differing viewpoints which I love but real abusive crap I’ve seen quite a bit of.
I suspect I will always be a lurker for that reason.
Love the site. Don’t think there’s any reason to leave despite this.

Actually if lurker is someone who never posts - that’s not me. I’m a responder not initiator.

Really? As forums go, I find MN pretty balanced. Society in general is heading towards becoming a bland homogenous "right" way of thinking, (which I find terrifying) so I suppose these posts telling us we're all mean reflects that.

Please can you give some examples?

There was a thread just yesterday where a poster was practically berating a woman who'd just miscarried because she'd said she didn't want to see her pregnant best friends bump. I think most of the poster in question's worst ones were deleted but...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3830912-How-do-I-politely-tell-my-friend-I-dont-want-to-see-her?pg=5&order=

I personally HATE any thread that turns up on here about infertility or fertility issues as there always seems to be one or more posters with a complete lack of sensitivity or understanding who seem to enjoy rubbing the OPs nose in their grief. I'll never forget that thread where the OP said they couldn't afford to take her step children abroad this year and would have to holiday in the UK instead because they were paying for IVF after years of fertility issues and some posters were fucking awful, truly awful, banging on about how unfair it was for the stepchildren as they were accustomed to abroad holidays now and they should take priority as if a holiday isn't some form of luxury anyway. It got deleted because it was so nasty.

Can't stand those threads, for some reason they always seem to bring the worst out in people.

And the best of course, they always bring out the best and most supportive responses too. But there does seem to be a small minority that feast on the pain of a woman going through this sort of thing, I've seen it numerous times.

A dictionary will be your friend here. It's a like then and than.
Don't you just love it when this happens?

I love the drama of AIBU, its a place where people can be completely honest with their opinions. If you want niceness, try The Motherload on Facebook. Its sooo nice sometimes its nauseating.

MN was never this brutal a few years ago.
Yes it was.

I pity people who are so bitter that they can't be kind.
I can be kind but not all the time and not in circumstances that don't support kindness.