AIBU to think some of you are awful?

[KMW79]

I have been mainly just reading (over the past 6 months) the popular threads on the ‘mumsnet daily’ via email inbox.

Honestly I have been so shocked by the influx of negative, unhelpful and destructive responses that people receive. Even when people don’t agree with an OPs opinion or a respondents reply or even whom the OP was posting about, so many are seemingly so keen to attack in such a virile nature! Name calling, aggressive, viscous responses when someone asked for a basic opinion.

Elaborating on why someone is or isn’t being unreasonable doesn’t require an attack on either side of the viewpoint. It blows my mind how nasty people can be, and I don’t believe that was what this forum was created for!

Could this forum maybe return to what it was intended for?

I'm afraid that kind of language is common on here. It's not that there are a lot of posters like that, but the few that are appear over and over again with that kind of vitriolic language. It's possible to make your point without being nasty. (Remember the saying, 'argument weak, shout louder'? It doesn't even do you any favours.)

To pretend that vitriol doesn't exist or to minimise it is disingenuous to say the least.

Couldn't agree more OP, I use MN because there's enough on here that interests me despite the bitching, but some comments serve as a constant reminder of how baselessly nasty people can be.

I posted something last year under another user name which was really just me having a stupid opinion about something. It was horrible. People were trying to guess details about me and I became worried about other posts I'd made and that people in my real life may put 2 and 2 together. I was being a little unreasonable, but you would have thought I was being a holocaust denier with some of the responses I got. Only a few posters understood what I was saying, everyone else tore me to shreds. In my real life the topic came up amongst Mums at the school gate, I said nothing but everyone voiced the same opinion as what I had said on here. All I came assume is that there are a lot of people here who like tearing people down.

Literally slaughtered, you say? Crikey.

😂

There certainly seems to be an awful lot of people lacking a sense of humour too.

Sense of humour has a tendency to be lost when the OP is a new mum who is sleep deprived and, in some cases, might be suffering from PND. (If it's a parking thread, then you have a point.)

@Mittens030869 of course I'm not talking about those threads

All right, I apologise. But unfortunately there are posters who behave that way towards more vulnerable posters. I'm thinking in particular of threads about difficult neighbours complaining about noise from a crying baby.

But unfortunately there are posters who behave that way towards more vulnerable posters

Agree. I hate it when you can tell a poster is quite clearly struggling and people still see it as an opportunity for some witty humourous remark that is evidently going to make the OP feel worse. Its appropriate on some threads but certainly not on others.

Again it brings me back to the infertility threads. They always descend into nasty insensitive posts by a few.

Again it brings me back to the infertility threads. They always descend into nasty insensitive posts by a few.

True. But whilst I get it, as someone who wasn't able to get pregnant at all when TTC and has now adopted, some posters seem to think infertility trumps everyone else's hurt, and no one should complain if they only have boys and would have liked to have a baby girl.

Maybe I would have felt that way when I had just come through my one very upsetting IVF cycle when I could only produce one immature egg. But other people have a right to feel what they do and express it. They're not saying it to make an infertile person feel worse than they already do.

Mittens030869
Parking threads or any thread where a mountain is being made out of a molehill and the obvious solution is to speak to the person concerned.

Of course Mittens. But I think saying on a thread about infertility 'I get it, I would have liked to have a girl but I had a boy so I understand your pain' would be inappropriate and insensitive.

Starting your own thread about being upset over whatever is absolutely fine. Pain isn't top trumps of course but there's a time and a place for certain comparisons.

I'm talking when posters say things like 'a child isn't a right', to a poster who is quite clearly struggling with the fact they may never be a parent or things like 'yeah but you really can't understand love' or, in the example thread I posted earlier on, someone completely goading a poor woman over and over again despite being told my multiple people they were out of order and quite clearly upsetting the OP as well. Just why? Why would you do that? Even if it were your opinion I don't see what need there is? You've been told in black and white that you are upsetting someone, even MN has deleted your posts, and yet you still persist? Doesn't sit right with me personally.

Every single infertility thread I've seen on MN has at least one poster, often more, who quite clearly post things they know will be upsetting (and actually bring nothing to the conversation). It's just once scenario on here that I always find some posters to be completely lacking any sympathy or understanding of. Like they enjoy it.

Of course infertility isn't the only example of a touchy subject on here. It's just one I've noticed over the years.

Of course Mittens. But I think saying on a thread about infertility 'I get it, I would have liked to have a girl but I had a boy so I understand your pain' would be inappropriate and insensitive.

I thoroughly agree with you there, I would respond the same way to that. But I haven't seen a thread like that. (Mind you, I don't look at the infertility board on here, as I've now adopted my DDs and come to terms with my infertility.)

What I did hate when I was going through infertility was smug parents telling me I could always adopt, including my SIL, who was pregnant with her fourth child and didn't approve of IVF because of the 'spare embryos'.

As my DH said back then, do these people really think we don't know that we could adopt? And there are no guarantees there either, as you have to apply to SS first.

Well to be honest I've never seen that particular scenario either! BUT I certainly have seen many inappropriate and downright cruel comments on fertility threads. Not on the infertility board, usually on AIBU in my experience. I know people say it's just because AIBU is blunt/honest whatever, but it's still comprised of people, who could quite easily be kinder if they wanted to be to a struggling poster. I don't think it's an excuse just because it's posted in one board and not another.

Yes I HATE the 'just adopt' shit. As if you'll go 'oh my goodness why had I never thought of that?!'. There's all sorts of examples of similar thoughtless comments I've seen on here.

I think you YABU and if that is your opinion you need to say out of AIBU for a while and go to less active threads to get a rounded view.

For eg. Once years ago, I had a terrible relationship situation. I namechanged and took my vulnerable bleeding heart to the Relationships thread and had lovely supportive responses, but roughly a 3rd were harsh. One poster known for having form for severe bluntness told me something along the lines of: How can you be so fucking gullible? Or something. I cried and eventually let the thread die.

Fast forward roughly 6 months later: I was on another thread about something different that I was really blaming myself for. Guess what? Same bitch of a poster gave me absolutely lovely messages of support that really helped.

Fast forward years later: The harsh responses were correct, I was a damn fool and should have woken up sooner. They could see it, I couldn't.

So whilst I agree people can be cruel at times you are being quick to write people off based on a narrow snapshot of your posting experience and that's unreasonable.

@IronShame

in the example thread I posted earlier on, someone completely goading a poor woman over and over again despite being told my multiple people they were out of order and quite clearly upsetting the OP as well. Just why?

Part of the reason for this is because so many posters these days don't bother to read the thread - they just read the OP and then wade in. Which is often adding to the perceived insensitivity/nastiness.

Welcome to the anonymity of the Internet, we already know so well what humanity is capable of when hiding behind a mask.

The thing that annoys me about people like OP is they tend not to stand up for people on a thread. I do stand up for OPs on threads when I feel they are getting a hard time and I have had quite a few PMs from OPs thanking me for support. I do wonder how many times OP has stood up for anyone rather than just post a 'just be kind' thread telling MNers 'some of you are awful'.

*Yanbu there are some truly horrible woman on here I dread to think what there like in rl .^

I think in R L they would be fine - after all, if they behaved in RL like they do, they would get a smack in the face or worse!!

I agree. I left for a while and have just rejoined, but I'm thinking it's not one of my better ideas🤣

In real life I’m sure most MNetters are as meek as mice. They probably get some kind of rise being dickheads on here because they can’t in real life.

I agree with you. Lots of individual posters are lovely people, but the overall tone of mumsnet as a site and this board in particular is pretty vile.

Gosh, some people just live in a fluffy, bland cloudland full of lovely people saying ‘Oh, bless!’, clearly. Or have arrived on Mn from forms of social media where people just post gifs of kittens.

But that won’t work because so many Mnetters read the Daily Mail. Now, those are vile comments, frothing with misogyny, xenophobia, racism etc. Mn is softplay in comparison, even at its most sharp-tongued.

Nobody happy in life feels the need to make nasty digs.