My colleague is lying about his fathers death.

[concerned90]

I've created a throwaway account to post this, as I am concerned any colleagues who see it will be able to connect it to my previous posts about my husband/children and it will be very outing.

Some relevant back story about my colleague who we'll call Dave. Dave is a big Facebook user, an over sharer if you will. Everything about his life, his wife, his child. Dave has form for leaving work early, and has become a little infamous for it. Now, tied in with the Facebook obsession, this has proved Dave to be a liar. Two examples: Dave leaves work an hour after coming in as his son his ill. Three hours later, he uploads a photo of his son sat in McDonald's after a cinema trip. This is during the school holidays. Dave leaves work early as his son has broken his leg and he needs to get to A&E to see him. Two days later, he uploads a video of his son jumping on a trampoline. Comments confirm the video was taken that day.

For the last 4/5 months, Dave has spoken about his father being ill/having dementia. This has also been plastered all over Facebook. About a month ago, Dave comes round to every member of the team individually to let us know his father has died. We all offer our condolences, a manager even drops him home as he doesn't drive. All normal.

Dave deletes his Facebook the moment he gets home. Now this is unusual for somebody so obsessed, but perhaps he needs a break.

Dave's now used up our company bereavement policy but some emergency holiday has been arranged to allow him more time off. Dave comes back on Facebook, but no mention of his father. No comments or anything from his family/friends. No mention of the funeral. This is obviously strange for a man who has posted so much about his father, and other normally private things.

On his birthday, his mother puts a post on Facebook 'happy birthday Dave, love mum and dad'. Dave removes this from his Facebook wall so it doesn't show anymore, but as he was tagged it still shows up on our Facebook feed. We alert the manager, who expresses concern but also advises we need to tread carefully as this could just be habit from his mother as the death has been so recent. Fine.

Another colleague, who we'll call Karen returns from long term sick. Karen asks where Dave has been. We explain that his father has died. Karen posts on Dave's wall saying sorry for the loss of your dad, let me know if I can do anything.

Dave removes the post immediately. He messages Karen saying he doesn't want people knowing his business. Strange thing for a chronic over sharer to say. Dave then deletes his Facebook again.

Over the weekend, another colleague who we'll call Tim, gets into conversation with an old friend. The old friend is married to Dave's cousin. Tim says how sorry he is about the death of Dave's father. The old friend advises that as far as he knew, Dave's father has not died as they have not heard anything.

Now, in my gut I know his father has not died. My head says that all we have is circumstantial evidence, and a conversation in pub. I don't know what to do. Do I talk to senior management? Am I going to walk into a meeting and seem like a crazy person?

AIBU to come to the conclusion that his father has not died and he has taken advantage of the managers being very kind to allow him a month off when usually somebody would get 5 days?

Tell me what you think/and what I should do.

Exposing it is only revealing his true colours. I'd formally report this.

Only if there is cast iron proof that he is lying about this. You can't go in and make an accusation without guaranteed proof that his father isn't dead.

Surely from his mums Facebook page it should be obvious even if nothing posted? You'd expect no posts for a long period and not to see a load of "bingo with Mary" every Tuesday type posts.

I think it’s reasonable for a company to ask someone who has taken lengthy bereavement leave to produce a death certificate. All sorts of organisations banks and official departments ask to see one if someone has died.

Next thing Dave will be calling in to work saying he's stranded in Tenerife scattering his dad's ashes!

I wouldn't do anything and let Dave get on with being his dishonest self. He will get his comeupance one day.

My employer was caught out with someone a while ago who faked a pregnancy and then a miscarriage.

Since then they’ve asked for appointment confirmations if we need any time off. No exceptions.

@Fallsballs i think we both can f off.
You for not making clear it was a joke, because it's really possible someone means these things here.
And me for reacting bit too harshly. unless you weren't joking then the toe curse stands

If he is lying I hope he's found out and the bastard is sacked

I worked with someone who lied his Dad had died, took nearly 2 months off work and was eventually found out after an anonymous report led to an HR investigation. It was the start of the unveiling of a whole web of lies he'd told, an affair he was having (had been engaged to be married to another colleague and we were all invited to the big wedding). It was devastating for some people who couldn't believe it as we'd had a collection, a drinks evening the day after the fake funeral etc.. He claimed mental health issues and was subject to a managed move to another department (public sector) but I think he maybe had a personality disorder or something as he was a really charismatic guy that most people had loved and it was scary that everything about his life had been a facade.

A friend in HR has hired private detectives to get evidence about this sort of thing to build a case before dismissal

Message his mam saying sorry for your loss 🤷🏻‍♀️

None of your business

We have someone who does the same. Shes actually supervisor who has a joint problem which always requires a doctors appointment on a Friday afternoon so she leaves 2 hours early but then she posts herself on Facebook 2 hours later an hour in the opposite direction to her home in a bar with her husband.
Bearing in mind this ‘joint problem’ means that every few weeks (usually around Wednesday onwards) she’ll be so unwell that she can’t manage her hour commute and so will choose to work from home for the rest of the week, leaving the rest of us (who don’t have the luxury of a laptop) picking up the pieces in the office. Working from home then she often has connection issues and so is offline for large periods of time, when we do speak to her then she’s got her kids climbing all over her so she can’t be doing much!
We all privately know her condition is largely brought on by her lifestyle and it flares up always around the time she needs a bit of childcare at home or she’s going away and needs an early finish.
It leaves such a bad taste in our mouths, we’ve all lost respect for her. We just hope that she’ll take enough rope that she’ll hang herfself eventually.

Ooh this is weird, my Ex Bil has form for this, he rang in sick at work twice to say his sisters had passed away, which they had not. Very strange thing to do.

@WalkingDeadTrainee in fairness my sense of humour is a dry and only makes me laugh.

But on another matter I don’t even look on my friends or family facebook pages...why would you ?

You’ve done what you can, you’ve raised it with management. Now leave it. If it’s true, you could just come off looking bloody awful.

Also!! Is he actually called Dave? And are you in the south west?! Cause I swear I worked with the same guy 😂 they finally got rid when he went home ‘sick’ one day and came in the next day with news and photos of his engagement... which happened early afternoon the day before. He was so stupid.

@Fallsballs mime too. But considering where we are it's hard to distinguish the dark humour from just dark
And... Some many people are dumb enough to go and do it...

But on another matter I don’t even look on my friends or family facebook pages...why would you ?
Because they enjoy pretending to be the MI5....

Perhaps Dave is saving money on childcare? Rather than taking unpaid leave he is getting paid for it. He could have genuine problems and has cooked this up to get himself out of a hole.

I’m fascinated by how many posters are cross and apparently appalled at the OP wanting to get to the truth of this situation. She’s clearly got enough proof to warrant further interest and possibly action.

Is everyone honestly saying that they’d happily pick up the work of a colleague on an ongoing basis, including a whole month, and just shrug it off when his story starts to unravel? Really? I call bollocks.

I’d be very careful and stay anonymous, but I’d do what was needed to confirm whether Dave Snr was kicking up daisies, or merely planting them in his allotment. Call it a strong sense of social justice.

There are 1000 ways to do this, without risking a traumatised widow (if that’s what she is).

Reporting Dave is a seperate matter. I can see a good case for not raising it with management. I’d want to know the truth though, and if he was a ‘liar pants on fire’ I’d want him to feel some heat. He should be made to feel the same level of discomfort and stress as all his colleagues feel when they are forced to take on more work due to his slackness and lies. Might dissuade him from future flights of fancy?

It also annoys me when people lie badly. I can lie very well, but actively have chosen not to live that way. Ham-fisted liars make me cross, like they just don’t respect you enough to put some effort in! On that note, I’d be tempted to make a fixed day per week where I had lunch with him so he could process his grief and share memories of his dear Dad. I could totally carry that off for ages... and if his dad had passed away it might actually be helpful!

Seat out of it, it’s not your business. I’m surprised someone didn’t attend the funeral, when FIL died my husbands boss and team leader attended. When my father died my boss and colleague came to the service. A short time ago my colleagues father died and our team leader and a colleague went to his service. I’ve always known someone from work to go.

If there is even the tiniest possibility it is true then keep out of it. You would look so horrible if it turned out to be true and you accused him of lying. Unfortunately people who lie in the past, can truthfully have bad things happen (boy who cries wolf comes to mind). If he IS lying I think it will come out and it’s the job of the company to decide to investigate or not.
Be thankful you were treated well when you were bereaved and enjoy your maternity leave with your baby.

If his absence is impacting on your workload, then you should discuss your workload with your manager. Dave’s personal life/ issues/ pathological lying/fantasies are none of your business really and you need to be careful not to infringe on his right to a private family life.

Also, not all deaths are published in death notices - next of kin will decide whether or not they want a notice published so just because the death isn’t published doesn’t mean there hasn’t been a death. It does sound highly suspicious, but there could be other reasons for why he does not want to post or discuss his death on facebook.

If the whole story is a pack of lies, it sounds like either Dave is not enjoying his job or just wants to milk the maximum amount of benefits he is entitled to. Whatever the reason, clearly Dave has issues and it is not your place to try and sort these or report these. He will not be able to get away with it forever and HR are probably suspicious but have to be respectful. Surely they will have policies and formulas for working out problematic absentees, regardless of reasons for the absences and will have to either put a support plan in place or begin capability procedures.

A distant relative of DH's told people her dad was sick and then died to raise money for her wedding. DFIL got the shock of his life when he bumped into the ghost when out shopping one day.

I've never known someone attend the funeral of a colleague's relative, that's a bit weird.

I wouldn't want a colleague or my boss at my parent's funeral unless they were also a really good friend too.