My colleague is lying about his fathers death.

[concerned90]

I've created a throwaway account to post this, as I am concerned any colleagues who see it will be able to connect it to my previous posts about my husband/children and it will be very outing.

Some relevant back story about my colleague who we'll call Dave. Dave is a big Facebook user, an over sharer if you will. Everything about his life, his wife, his child. Dave has form for leaving work early, and has become a little infamous for it. Now, tied in with the Facebook obsession, this has proved Dave to be a liar. Two examples: Dave leaves work an hour after coming in as his son his ill. Three hours later, he uploads a photo of his son sat in McDonald's after a cinema trip. This is during the school holidays. Dave leaves work early as his son has broken his leg and he needs to get to A&E to see him. Two days later, he uploads a video of his son jumping on a trampoline. Comments confirm the video was taken that day.

For the last 4/5 months, Dave has spoken about his father being ill/having dementia. This has also been plastered all over Facebook. About a month ago, Dave comes round to every member of the team individually to let us know his father has died. We all offer our condolences, a manager even drops him home as he doesn't drive. All normal.

Dave deletes his Facebook the moment he gets home. Now this is unusual for somebody so obsessed, but perhaps he needs a break.

Dave's now used up our company bereavement policy but some emergency holiday has been arranged to allow him more time off. Dave comes back on Facebook, but no mention of his father. No comments or anything from his family/friends. No mention of the funeral. This is obviously strange for a man who has posted so much about his father, and other normally private things.

On his birthday, his mother puts a post on Facebook 'happy birthday Dave, love mum and dad'. Dave removes this from his Facebook wall so it doesn't show anymore, but as he was tagged it still shows up on our Facebook feed. We alert the manager, who expresses concern but also advises we need to tread carefully as this could just be habit from his mother as the death has been so recent. Fine.

Another colleague, who we'll call Karen returns from long term sick. Karen asks where Dave has been. We explain that his father has died. Karen posts on Dave's wall saying sorry for the loss of your dad, let me know if I can do anything.

Dave removes the post immediately. He messages Karen saying he doesn't want people knowing his business. Strange thing for a chronic over sharer to say. Dave then deletes his Facebook again.

Over the weekend, another colleague who we'll call Tim, gets into conversation with an old friend. The old friend is married to Dave's cousin. Tim says how sorry he is about the death of Dave's father. The old friend advises that as far as he knew, Dave's father has not died as they have not heard anything.

Now, in my gut I know his father has not died. My head says that all we have is circumstantial evidence, and a conversation in pub. I don't know what to do. Do I talk to senior management? Am I going to walk into a meeting and seem like a crazy person?

AIBU to come to the conclusion that his father has not died and he has taken advantage of the managers being very kind to allow him a month off when usually somebody would get 5 days?

Tell me what you think/and what I should do.

Message the mother. She’s going to know if her old man’s checked out.

Very tactful! What do suggest? Ringing her up and asking if she’s the Widow Brown!

You've reported your suspicions, that's enough. By the time your come back from maternity leave this will either be sorted out or forgotten about.
Management may also be concerned about having to find cover if he is sacked, when they already have to provide maternity cover for you (this isn't a snark at you at all, just the sort of thing that can cause practical problems is unexpected staffing problems arise). Unless management are generally useless, I'd trust them to do their jobs and concentrate on my own work. Once your baby is born you probably won't care about Bob's fake/not fake bereavement leave. This is just a distraction, leave it to other people to worry about.

Fascinating to read responses from people who work for big companies or government. Out here in Small Business Land we have absolutely no room for pisstakers. Two years ago me and the other three colleagues worked our guts out to cover colleague 5 who had apparently got massive problems to do with unwell older relatives. We are all geared for covering holidays and short term sick, if it's going to be more than a few days we'll book a temp. Colleague 5 would call in unavailable about 30 minutes before her first appointment was due. Then say that 'she was waiting to hear from doctor about tests'. Then say that 'she forgot'. Then say 'she got held up in traffic'. Always with 'no don't worry I'll be in tomorrow!' Since we are all self employed I didn't want to deprive her of income, so I let it slide... I'm the one who does the diary and bookings. Final straw was when she rang to say she was stuck in a traffic jam in a well known local traffic blackspot, it hadn't moved for nearly half an hour. Unfortunately when she called I was sailing through this traffic jam... it was completely clear. Colleague 5 has not been booked since.

I had a friend who bloody lied about this! I knew she was lying but had to send flowers to her mother just on the 00000.1% chance she wasn’t! All came out in the end and it was the final straw. Appalling thing to lie about, really twisted. Check the death records. I wouldn’t be able to help myself following this through until I had proof either way because it’s so awful.

I can see why you are annoyed and frustrated by this, it’s pretty obvious he’s lying and it’s extremely unfair. I’d be livid too.
However, unless you have concrete evidence it could backfire badly on you. I would leave it, especially if you’re leaving soon.
The truth always comes out, he’ll trip himself up eventually.

Someone did exactly this at my dhs work a few years ago. While he was still off once the team had realised he was lying, a senior member of the team went to his house and told him (gently) what they knew. He absolutely broke down in tears and was actually very unwell mentally. They supported him as much as they could but eventually he was let go.

I think you just need to let it go. He probably is lying but if he isn’t you’ll look like a right troublemaker if he isn’t.

I worked with a compulsive liar once, he was a horrible man too (and used to eat bananas with his mouth open which was really disgusting). He'd leave early, come in late, have many "emergencies" that meant he had to rush off and we'd see him in the pub after work. It was really really annoying and did effect the whole team.
The manager knew though, she knew he was taking the piss and was documenting everything. Obviously she shared none of this with us but he was dealt with eventually, and lost his job ultimately. I was shop steward in our office so I had to defend him when it went to appeal, which was interesting because i knew what he was telling me was bullshit. He tried to claim discrimination because he was one of the few men in our team and was managed by a woman. I passed it on to a different union rep - I couldn't stand to be in the same room as him! But your manager is likely well aware what's going on, whether he is lying or not so you're best leaving her to it.
On a side note, I put lots of stuff on Facebook but I never post anything about family members deaths.

He's already made multiple mistakes. Why have you done nothing before now? How much proof do you need?

Leave it and wait for the shit to hit the fan.
Sorry for your loss @concerned90, that must make this situation even more sickening.

If he is lying, he's a disgusting man.

Dave is a liability and a liar. I don't think his work colleagues owe him anything if he's making their lives a nightmare and he's lying through his teeth one of the worst lies possible to save himself. His incompetence and lies are what have caused him this issue. Exposing it is only revealing his true colours. I'd formally report this.

He'll go one way or another soon, rise above the gossip if you can and stick to facts or performance issues. He's clearly incapable of being in work regularly so you won't have to wait long.

I agree it sounds like something fishy is going on but I have had a situation that makes me anxious about how colleagues will perceive it and just wonder if this could be similar. My dad died last year, shortly after I had taken a new job overseas. New boss was amazing, gave me time off to dash home and see dad on what ended up being the day he died. I was very grateful and luckily the funeral ended up being when I was home for Xmas anyway so I didn’t have to take too long out. The thing is that my dad (who died) and I had a very distant relationship. He and my mum had divorced when I was two and although we weren’t nc and I was upset to lose a parent, it wasn’t anything like as awful as it could have been. I have called my stepdad “dad” since he has been in my life, and whilst I have tried to ensure everyone at work knows the situation, I am terrified that if anything happens to him - and I would be really upset and probably want to take more time off- people will start questioning how my dad could die twice. It is just possible that this is a similar situation.

@recrudescence
Message the mother. She’s going to know if her old man’s checked out

@user1471449295
No advice, but Dave is thick as shit and deranged. Does he think everyone else is stupid? I’m sure this is misconduct

Well you've both given me a much needed laugh!

Yes, I always ask for an appointment card, stamped by the drs office/receptionist

I do think it's not a bad idea and prevents situations like OPs, but I haven't always got one I don't think. When I've made a follow-up appointment with reception I get one but if I ring up I don't?

Why would Dave have all of his colleagues on Facebook, and leave work twice for his son and then contradict the reasons for leaving work in Facebook posts?

He’s either extremely thick or extremely naive to think that everyone wouldn’t see.

Chances are he is lying about his Dad’s death but you can’t prove it. It’ll all come out eventually.

My friend has 2 men who she’s calls Dad, one is her stepdad who brought her up and the other is her birth dad. Could it be a situation like this? Tread carefully OP. Try to get more info from Tim.

Sounds like he is lying, and people who lie about these kind of things are more common than you may believe.

I once worked with someone who said he had aggressive cancer and needed time off for hospital appointments and treatment. He took weeks off over several months, while he posted pictures of him on holiday and partying on social media. The manager grew suspicious and asked for hospital letters, so he cracked and admitted it was all made up. He was sacked on the spot.

*she not she’s

People keep saying he's 'used up' his bereavement leave now but chances are surely high he'll move on before his dad dies. And in no new job have I had to state the number of living parents and grandparents on my first day :o maybe they should make you do that...

you're not this mans manager you;re way too involved IMO, looking up death notices?! You've already mentioned it to his boss, leave it be and move on

Agree

If 'Dave' did lie about his dad dying then I wonder where he was for the month, Australia perhaps...just wondering why someone would want a month off like that, its a bit weird, well more than weird to lie if that's the case about something so serious.