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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my mother to court?

95 replies

Pikachu18 · 23/02/2020 11:10

Without going into too much details.
My mother has my daughters ashes and is refusing to give them back. We aren't talking at the moment, so that doesn't really help the situation.
AIBU to want to take her to court over this?

OP posts:
YappityYapYap · 23/02/2020 11:15

You can file for small claims online. Small claims works for money owed and also return of possessions. However, even if you win, there could still be a fight to get them back as the court won't enforce anything. Did you have actual possession of her ashes and your mother took them from you? Did you pay for the funeral? Did the crematorium give the ashes to you or your mum? These are all things small claims would ask.

I remember your username. Are you the one that lives abroad and your daughter was living with your mum when she died? Sorry for your loss

Cherrysoup · 23/02/2020 11:17

Is it theft? Can you report her to the police? I think they wouldn’t be interested, tbh.

Jaxhog · 23/02/2020 11:45

I would report it to the police. Hopefully, they could accompany you to your mums and get them back.

DianaT1969 · 23/02/2020 11:51

What would you do with the ashes OP? Scatter them, or keep them? Your your daughter is gone and I'm sorry for your loss, but you may need to find closure another way.

mantarays · 23/02/2020 12:22

I think we need more context here, OP. My understanding is that neither of you can “own” the ashes, since a person’s remains cannot be owned. However, in cases of dispute, there is a hierarchy in terms of who is able to make decisions, and usually the person whose responsibility it is to make funeral arrangements would receive the ashes.

Could you tell us a bit more? Whether or not you should take your mother to court is a very difficult and ambiguous area. Definitely get legal advice.

I am sorry that this has happened to you and your family.

Bunnybigears · 23/02/2020 12:30

To be honest I'm not sure exactly what it would achieve but more heartache. As a PP says even getting a judgement for them to be returned to you does not mean they definitely will be. Your Mother also might decide upon receiving court papers to dispose of the ashes. I would look to move on from this in a different way, consider counselling and come to terms with the loss of your daughter, the whereabouts of her ashes shouldn't consume you.

Original poster
Pikachu18 · 25/02/2020 18:40

Thanks for all of your replies.
Just to clear some things up.

I moved house and my mother said she would keep hold of the ashes so they wouldn't get lost/damaged. However, now that I'm settled in my new house, I've asked for them back and she's refused.
It's not a point of being over it or anything, it's a point of having her home with me where she belongs.

OP posts:
PanamaPattie · 25/02/2020 18:43

Ask the police to accompany you (to prevent a breach of the peace) to your mothers house to retrieve the ashes.

Screamqueenz · 25/02/2020 18:46

How distressing for you, could someone mediate on your behalf?

Clangus00 · 25/02/2020 18:49

Get a solicitor to write a polite letter of request. That might give her a push.

HappyHammy · 25/02/2020 18:50

That sounds so difficult. Why wont she give them to you. I would ask my local Chaplain to intervene and speak to her. Do you know where she has them. Are there other family members who can help you. So sorry for your loss.Flowers

DoesItGetAnyBetter · 25/02/2020 18:54

What is her reason for not returning them?

ahenderson270 · 25/02/2020 19:02

Who had the slip of paper that was given with her ashes from the crematorium? If you do she's breaking the law by not having the ashes with the cremation certificate and you can report her.

Anyone who'll do this to a person with the ashes of their child needs some deep form of assessment - what a terrible wicked thing to do!!

TheFaerieQueene · 25/02/2020 19:04

Whilst this must be very stressful you can’t take someone to court. Report to the police and they will determine if a criminal act has taken place. The CPS will then decide if it will go to court. This process can take a very long time.

ohtheholidays · 25/02/2020 19:07

Do you know where the ashes are in the house OP?

If you do is there any way you can get in whilst she's out of the house and get your DD's ashes back?

I know some on here will disagree with me but I don't care,you don't withhold a child from they're own Mother.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope you get your little girl back soon Flowers

TheTrollFairy · 25/02/2020 19:11

I am shocked that a mum would do this to her own child!
Honestly, I’m not sure it’s something you can take someone to court over and I’m not sure there is much the police can do.
I would be gaining entry into my mums house if this was me. I’m not saying it’s the right thing to do but how dare she do this to you!
Do you know why she is refusing to give you your daughters ashes back?
I would go NC with my mum over this (once you get them back)

Patchworkpatty · 25/02/2020 19:12

What reason has she given OP ? I work on a police team and am more than happy to ask if it is something they would get involved with. If you want me to ?

Deelish75 · 25/02/2020 19:22

I am so sorry she is doing this to you.

Are there any other family members or friends of hers that could talk to her on your behalf. TBH if I found out a friend was doing this I would defiantly look at them in a different light (maybe shame her into handing them over)

CastleCrasher · 25/02/2020 19:25

What reason does she give for refusing? Not suggesting there's a valid reason (I can't think of one anyway!) but it might help give insight to get mindset and therefore the best way to tackle it

vikkimoog · 25/02/2020 19:36

If you do she's breaking the law by not having the ashes with the cremation certificate
that can't be true. What about all the people who scatter the ashes?

EverythingChanges321 · 25/02/2020 19:36

What’s her reason for holding into them?

daisychain01 · 25/02/2020 19:38

Flowers that's a very distressing situation for you, so sorry Sad

OhCaptain · 25/02/2020 19:39

God what a horrific situation for you Sad

Bluerussian · 25/02/2020 19:42

You are within your rights to take your daughter's ashes from your mum's place, find someone to go with you to retrieve them. It shouldn't need to come to court.

I am sorry you've fallen out with your mother, can the relationship not be repaired?

I'm also sorry for your loss, it must be devastating.

When you get the ashes back I do hope you will scatter them and not just have them in your house. They are not your daughter, she has flown, bless her. There must be a special place that she liked where you could scatter them.

All the best to you. Flowers

1Morewineplease · 25/02/2020 19:43

Ask the police for their advice. They may volunteer to accompany you to collect your daughter’s ashes. If they don’t , they’ll signpost you to someone who can help.
I’m sorry for your loss. 💐

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