To take my mother to court?

[Pikachu18]

Without going into too much details.
My mother has my daughters ashes and is refusing to give them back. We aren't talking at the moment, so that doesn't really help the situation.
AIBU to want to take her to court over this?

Sounds like she is not prepared to let her go, especially if she was involved in your pregnancy.
You need to go and see her, without warning, and explain how upsetting and devastating this is for you as the baby's mother. Did she lose a child before you arrived that she has not told you about and is projecting? The jewellery suggestion is a good one. If after this she continues to refuse, then ask at the local police station for someone to accompany you or retrieve them for you.
You are both grieving and grieving does strange things to people.

Did she lose a child before you arrived that she has not told you about and is projecting?

I did wonder if something like that may have happened in which case the poor grandma!, is ther now one who can act as a go between at all?.

I don't think she deserves to have her house broken into, who knows if her mind hasnt been fractured at some stage ?.

I am so sorry for your loss, and now this from your own mother. Surely there is a back story, she didn't suddenly become so cruel overnight? Is DD's father involved? How long ago did DD die?

No practical advice for you but I'm so sorry for your loss and that your mother is doing this.

My parents like to make everything about them too, which is precisely why DH has now been instructed to never tell them I'm ill unless I'm literally about to die or actually dead. And also has very firm instructions as to what to do in the event of my passing. We obviously haven't had the same conversation should anything happen with the DC but they idea is either I'd bat them off or mil would.

I really hope there's some way you can get them back

Would she be amenable to splitting them? So she can be with both of you.

I think what she's doing is DREADFUL but if you take her at her word and the relationship has previously been ok/good is she grieving too ?

Again, what she's doing is awful

This is a heartbreaking situation for you, and , I am guessing also for your mother. You lost your daughter, and my guess is that your Mum feels she has lost you,and this is a way to maintain a connection, albeit negative.
I’m not idealistic, my mother was a piece of work, but now she’s gone, I’m glad I kept working with it and didn’t cut her off.
I just wonder what would happen if you wrote to your Mum and explained how much your hurting, and suggested you went together to a big hill so you could let your baby girl fly away?
I wish you well.i am so sorry for your loss.

Your mum is being very cruel. Is there no one in RL that can go round and collect them on your behalf? Someone she would listen to or alternatively go round with RL support and get them yourself

For those asking, no I didn't pay for the funeral. As she was only 3 days old the hospital cover expenses. However, on the certificate it says her name and then my name and that they could only be released to me.

Of course, without too much of a drip feed, this didn't happen overnight. We've always been a bit rocky, but nothing ever like this. I'm thinking of asking my younger brother to locate them for me and keep hold of them until I get down. I'm just worried that she'll notice they're missing and start asking questions..

Dreadful.
your DM is a monster.

I’m so sorry OP and I hope you get the ashes back.

When you get the ashes back I do hope you will scatter them and not just have them in your house. They are not your daughter, she has flown, bless her. There must be a special place that she liked where you could scatter them.

Why? My daughter’s ashes are at home with me and that’s where they will stay until I die. She is part of our family and stays in our house, where it is warm; it’s her home too. I’d hate the idea of her out in the cold by herself or never being able to move away from this area as she couldn’t come with us. We all grieve differently, so please don’t put your views onto others.

Break in and take your dd back. I know it’s not the best advice but it’s what I’d do

Yes I know breaking in to places is illegal but come on are the CPS really going to prosecute someone that breaks in and only “stole” the ashes of there child, I’m going to bet not

You mother is a fucking cunt and once I had them back I wouldn’t be speaking a word to the horrible cow for as long as I lived, somethings just aren’t ok!

I can see a downside to breaking in, that could go badly wrong, but I agree with @P1nkHeartLovesCake's final sentence - your mother is indeed a cunt and I would never get over someone doing that.

I think you can get advice from the police at least?

Ask your brother to locate them but not move them.

Then go down and get them - as long as you know where they are and they are accessible, you could literally go there and have your brother let you in and take them and leave.

I'd say he could take them and post them to you but that might have more consequences for him than you're both happy with.

When you have them, contact your mother, tell her that you now have your DD's ashes back with her mother where they belong, and you are ashamed that the only act her grandmother ever got to do for her granddaughter was to try and separate her from her mother. That she can be sure that she's made this time infintely harder for her daughter than it needed to be. So if she could refrain from thinking of herself either as a mother or a grandmother because really she appears to act like neither, that would be great. And oh, finally to not bother contacting you again -you will do that, if you're ever ready to bother with her again.

I dont think you shoudl worry about what she will say if you take them back-shes done it to you so just get them back

then go nc with her

You poor thing, my heart breaks for you.

A thought, could you get a container the same as the one your daughters ashes are in, and ask your brother to swap them?

If your brother can discretely take them for you that sounds good. Fingers crossed 🤞🤞🤞

Everything that Fizzy said basically.
I’m sorry that your “mother” is doing this to you OP I’d certainly go NC after this.

You poor love.

Your mothers behaviour is disgraceful. I would be tempted to go round and not leave until you have them.

The worst thing she could do is call the Police. I am pretty sure they would have something to say about the situation.

@Pikachu18 that's terrible. You mentioned scattering your daughter's ashes - could that be why she doesn't want you to have them? Like a pp said, some people prefer to keep them at home. It's the only halfway rational thing I can think of as to why she could be so cruel, short of her being an absolute bastard, which you seem to suggest isn't usually the case.

That’s horrendous OP. I do hope your brother stands up for you and gets them back ASAP, and tells your mother her behaviour is abusive, disgusting and unforgivable.

My grief thief of a narcissistic mother took over my stillborn DD’s grave, sending me pictures at inopportune moments of all the ‘hard work’ she was putting into it, and that was hard enough to cope with but what your mother is doing is utterly despicable. I bet there’s a history of similar behaviour too as no normal mother would behave like this .