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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my mother to court?

95 replies

Pikachu18 · 23/02/2020 11:10

Without going into too much details.
My mother has my daughters ashes and is refusing to give them back. We aren't talking at the moment, so that doesn't really help the situation.
AIBU to want to take her to court over this?

OP posts:
ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 25/02/2020 19:56

Why is she doing this?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 25/02/2020 20:03

I'm so sorry. In your position I think I would do almost anything to get the ashes back. Do you have any idea what this is really about ? (it just seems too strange for it to be really about the ashes).

namechange1041 · 25/02/2020 20:04

Wow she sounds incredibly mean to do that. How and why the hell would you?

I've no real advice OP I'm so sorry, I just really hope you get your daughters ashes back, this must be heartbreaking for you.

Wishing you all the very best & I hope you get the right outcome from this OP, sorry for your lossFlowers

Purpleartichoke · 25/02/2020 20:05

have You just gone to her home and asked her to hand them over?

It’s just such a bizarre bit of behavior from her.

Littlebluetruck · 25/02/2020 20:10

I am sorry you've fallen out with your mother, can the relationship not be repaired?

After doing something like this, I would never speak to my mother again.

HannaJoy · 25/02/2020 20:12

I think the only thing you can do to start with is ask her outright to give them to you. Even if you have to go to her house and ask. Do you have any other relatives who can mediate for you? There must be more to the story than you moved house and she refuses to give them back.

Littlebluetruck · 25/02/2020 20:14

I am so sorry this is happening to you. If must be incredibly distressing. I can’t even imagine.

I would call 111 and ask if this is something they deal with, or even if they can escort you to your mother’s home to collect the ashes.

Failing that, I would contact a lawyer.

Although, I certainly wouldn’t blame you for just going into her home and taking them, and telling absolutely everyone and anyone what she has done to you.

I think this is one of the most disgusting things I have ever read on here.

I’m so sorry.

boats · 25/02/2020 20:19

What reason has she given for refusing?

Justaboy · 25/02/2020 20:25

I wonder if a friendly policeman just had a word with her?, might change her mind?.

Any reason OP why shes doing this at all?.

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 25/02/2020 20:28

Why has she refused?

JRUIN · 25/02/2020 20:32

I'm assuming there must be some kind of backstory to this, else I could just not imagine anyone doing this to their own daughter!

Original poster
Pikachu18 · 25/02/2020 20:35

The only reason she's given, is that she's her granddaughter 🙄

Sorry, I didn't make it clear earlier, she was three days old when she passed, so there isn't many places I could scatter her. However, if I was to scatter her ashes it would probably be on a hill somewhere, so she could really fly ❤️

OP posts:
morriseysquif · 25/02/2020 20:37

How awful, is she using them as leverage? So sorry for your loss. Flowers

HappyHammy · 25/02/2020 20:37

That's not a good reason, sorry for such a sad loss of your beautiful daughter. Flowers

lunar1 · 25/02/2020 20:37

I can't think of a way that I could keep a level head over this. I'd be retrieving them by whatever means necessary. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

cabbageking · 25/02/2020 20:41

Who arranged and paid for the funeral? Ashes are released to them

Cherrysoup · 25/02/2020 20:41

Whoever paid for the cremation is the only person who can collect them (I had to get permission from my uncle because my mum didn’t want them) so I think you have a case with the police, particularly if your mother is intending to deprive you of them permanently. Do seek advice.

endofthelinefinally · 25/02/2020 20:44

This is dreadful.
I have my son's ashes. I would be distraught if anybody stole them.
She is deranged.

LouHotel · 25/02/2020 20:46

Is your mother someone who can be shamed publicly? I would got to mutual third parties to talk some sense into her.

Redtartanshoes · 25/02/2020 20:46

I’d break into her house and take them 🤷🏽‍♀️

DooDahhDing · 25/02/2020 20:47

My ex stole our sons ashes from me and the police cant do anything about it - ashes are technically a person and you cant own people

Who paid for the funeral? That helps as "ownership" of the urn

Tistheseason17 · 25/02/2020 20:57

I'd get into her house and take them.
I'd be worried she'd scatter your daughter's ashes if she had advance warning.
Heartbreaking, I'm so sorry Flowers

TiddlestheCat · 25/02/2020 20:59

Is she using them as an excuse to have you go over/keep in contact? Could she be worried about losing you? Esp if you lived with her and then moved out? Have there been any other arguments? I am just trying to figure out why she would do this. Could you get a third person to get them for you? Failing that, then, I think that you do need to get legal advice.

Justaboy · 25/02/2020 21:02

However, if I was to scatter her ashes it would probably be on a hill somewhere, so she could really fly ❤️

Thats made me a bit tearfull OP! ;)

partofthepeanutgallery · 25/02/2020 21:12

Wow.

I'd ask for a police escort, too, and just take them back.