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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my mother to court?

95 replies

Pikachu18 · 23/02/2020 11:10

Without going into too much details.
My mother has my daughters ashes and is refusing to give them back. We aren't talking at the moment, so that doesn't really help the situation.
AIBU to want to take her to court over this?

OP posts:
Silvercatowner · 25/02/2020 21:12

I’d break into her house and take them

I'm the most law-abiding person there is, but I'm also thinking along these lines.

I think I'd be asking police or lawyer first though.

CtrlU · 25/02/2020 21:14

Of course take her to court! It’s YOUR child’s ashes that you WANT IN YOUR HOME. I don’t believe this madness

I’m so sorry for your loss OP Flowers

LovePoppy · 25/02/2020 21:18

I’m so sorry for your loss

WispaGoldsshouldcomeinmultipac · 25/02/2020 21:21

I didn't think you paid for funerals for children under 18? I could be wrong though.
I'd have to go around there and retrieve them myself. If there anyway you could have your daughters ashes made into a piece of jewellery - one for you and one for your mother so you've both got her close?

Mamawingingit1234 · 25/02/2020 21:27

I can’t get passed this. It’s one of the most selfish things I’ve ever heard. Call the police and get advice. Maybe go for a surprise visit and just take them when your there!

Bluerussian · 25/02/2020 21:30

Charming - not. How macabre. The ashes need to be scattered when the op is ready to let go.

Being as it appears the op got on with her mum well enough not that long ago, I wonder why the mum is being so stubborn about hanging on to her granddaughter's ashes. It seems bizarre to me.

HannaJoy · 25/02/2020 21:32

I should have said im so sorry for your loss. I know others have said it and its not law abiding but i would be tempted to barge into her home and take them. I cant begin to understand how you feel.

Babynut1 · 25/02/2020 21:40

I would break in personally! I couldn’t give two flying fucks what trouble that landed me in.

There is no way would I allow some nasty old bag keep my daughters ashes and I would literally do whatever it took. I’d wait for the spiteful old bag to go out and smash her door in!

I’m sorry you’re going through this op, she’s vile xx

Soontobe60 · 25/02/2020 21:49

OP, why does your dm have your DDs ashes? What's her reason for not letting you have them?

BabyWenger · 25/02/2020 21:49

Your mother sounds like a complete arsehole.

BaolFan · 25/02/2020 21:51

Your Mother sounds like an absolute cunt.

I am so sorry about your DD.

I would go to a solicitor and get a strong letter sent out to her, telling her that she is to return your DD's remains or you will take legal action.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/02/2020 21:55

I'd absolutely break in.

Do you live near, do you know her movements, would it be at all possible?

kierenthecommunity · 25/02/2020 22:03

I think you’ll have to get a solicitor involved, sadly. I’ve googled and it doesn’t appear ashes belong to anyone so the police can’t do anything criminally

BasilFaulty · 25/02/2020 22:07

Can you get a friend/impartial third party to ask her?

Riv12345 · 25/02/2020 22:11

I am so sorry you are going through this op.

I would definitely get some advice regarding this,
As someone said you need someone in authority to go round here.
Surely she realise this is your child your flesh and blood,
She can't do this to you it is awful.
So so sorry op hope everything get sorted and you get your DD ashes back where they belong.
💐💐

Aridane · 25/02/2020 22:43

I am sorry for your loss Flowers

Legally no own owns a dead person’s ashes - sadly, disputes in this area are distressingly common

Redtartanshoes · 25/02/2020 22:45

I dint think there is a court in the land that would prosecute/convict you for breaking in. Do it. Do it as soon as you can and feel bit one single scrap of guilt.

Redtartanshoes · 25/02/2020 22:46

not one single bit of guilt

((((I’d make sure my shoes were cOvered in dog shit too to be honest

MrsRagnarLothbrok · 25/02/2020 22:50

I have no new advice, what a horrible thing to do to you, I really hope you get it all sorted out

TheyDoDoThat · 25/02/2020 22:55

What a horrible selfish cow you mother is. I would ask police to help first. If not a solicitor. Sorry for your loss op.

Aridane · 25/02/2020 23:02

@Redtartanshoes - of course there would be a conviction - this is not a US court drama. Don’t encourage a distraught bereaved OP into criminal conduct

MadeForThis · 25/02/2020 23:07

Is anyone else in the family close to her? Maybe someone else could make her see sense.

Justaboy · 25/02/2020 23:14

Legally no own owns a dead person’s ashes - sadly, disputes in this area are distressingly common

Another one is that we took over a office premises and in a cupboard was a box of someones ashes!!

We asked around and no one know who this man was, enquired with the police and they could not trace him its as if he never existed poor bloke someone somewhere must have known him. We asked the church no luck there so we asked the vicar of a local nearby church if we cousld just bury the poor sod in his graveyard! He wasnt that enamoured with the idea as he, the deceased, might be the wrong denomiation !

In the end the local cemetry was where he was laid. I often wonder who he was, what he did where he came from, but seems he's just a mister nobody its so very sad:(

I just hope you get some resolution very soon Pikachu18!

Tinkerbell456 · 25/02/2020 23:20

God what an awful situation. I’m so sorry for the horrible loss you are going through. For your Mum to be adding to your distress this way is terrible. I get that your Mum is the grandmother, and grieving too. Possibly not thinking as straight as she should be. However, she should try and understand that you are the child’s mother. That trumps Grandma, sadly for her. By a country mile. Hard as it may be, she needs to give you those ashes. Morally and legally, you were your daughters next of kin. There must be some way,to fix this, though not without pain all round. 💐 Tink.

Heartofglass12345 · 25/02/2020 23:22

I would break in too. So sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter and I hope she is back with her mum where she belongs soon Thanks