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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bride not allowing children to abroad wedding...

573 replies

Chokedwiththecold · 23/02/2020 09:15

Now, I know how this sounds, but I can't help being a bit annoyed about it.

I know that I don't Need to go.

My best friend is getting married this year abroad. Its over the school holidays so the price of the flights and accommodation is absolutely sooooo expensive. We are a very close girl group of 7 of us and 3 of us will have new born babies by the time the wedding comes around. Wedding was only booked a few months ago. Anyway, what's annoying me is the bride has said no kids allowed. I totally understand that people don't want kids at a wedding but I'm feeling really sad about not having to bring my baby as is our other friends. I don't see what difference it would make either. It's not like the would be running around making noise etc. I feel like I might not go but when I mentioned this she seemed so annoyed. I honestly don't know if I should go or not. I'm on the fence. My baby will be 5 months old.

Am I being unreasonable to think she's maybe being a little but unreasonable about this and she could have just allowed her best friends with their children.?

Thanks for listening to my rant.

OP posts:
myself2020 · 24/02/2020 12:28

@Leighhalfpennysthigh you are waaay to adult for mumsnet. to be approved here you need to make a massive drama about being one big happy family at the wedding (not to forget having the little girl in a mumsnet approved sparkly dress - not too sparkly though), and then slag them off afterwards. a live and let live approach with independent lives will never be approved here

MRex · 24/02/2020 13:04

@Leighhalfpennysthigh - why do you want to tie yourself to a man who's been able to formally detach himself from his own daughter enough to view her as a "distant relative"? That's so incredibly cold that I can't quite get my head around it, does he perhaps have other mental health issues?

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 24/02/2020 13:14

@myself2020 I certainly don't live the approved MN life 🤣. But I do like sparkly things.....
I'm also not going to respond to any ignorant comments regarding my future husband and his relationships other to say that on a site where people are told to go no contact and to leave the bastard for spurious reasons on a regular basis, it is a bit hypocritical to condemn a man for having a relationship with his child that is perfectly fine, but more distant than some people who appear to love in each other's pockets and thrive on drama.

MRex · 24/02/2020 13:31

Ok @Leighhalfpennysthigh, so you want to change what you said now, and you start to deflect. Well, there's no helping some people when they're determined to plough on ahead. Best of luck, sadly I think you'll need it.

ScarlettBlaize · 24/02/2020 13:38

@myself2020
Leighhalfpennysthigh you are waaay to adult for mumsnet. to be approved here you need to make a massive drama about being one big happy family at the wedding (not to forget having the little girl in a mumsnet approved sparkly dress - not too sparkly though), and then slag them off afterwards. a live and let live approach with independent lives will never be approved here

How is telling your daughter that she and your grandchild are not welcome at your wedding NOT creating a drama? How is insisting on banning all children, including your one grandchild, being 'adult'?

Literally no one has said any of that crap about being a flower girl or wearing a sparkly dress.

A normal, adult response would be to say "of course it would be lovely if you can make it, though we understand if you can't."

Banning your own grandchild from your wedding is neither being adult nor indicative of a 'fine' relationship nor avoiding drama

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/02/2020 14:38

Oh my. The amount of animosity to Leigh is unreal. She wants a small and intimate wedding. For those, who do not recall, she is a widow and this is her second marriage. Had she driven a wedge between her fiancée and his dd / grandchild, I could understand. It doesn’t appear to be the case at all. She is respecting her DF’s decision. Perhaps they have discussed the situation at length.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 24/02/2020 14:43

@Mummyoflittledragon thank you for your kind words, yes, you are correct in assuming there has been much discussion and there is no animosity on any side and everyone is happy with the decisions made.

HotDogGuy · 24/02/2020 14:58

Just don’t go. He’s not being unreasonable to not want children there. But neither are you being unreasonable to not go.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/02/2020 15:18

Leigh
Yes, that’s what I thought. Judging by your comments on other threads, you seem very caring. I hope it all goes well. 😁

Etinox · 24/02/2020 15:26

I left BF DC3 home with DH and flew to my best friends wedding.
However I was oversees and she was having it at home and DC1 was a bridesmaid- it meant I could attend to her without juggling a baby too. We were away for just short of 48 hours and the whole experience was only possible with a car at each end.

Irishgirl55 · 24/02/2020 15:29

As someone who had a child free wedding due to the amount of cousins that had young kids (and our venue just could not accommodate everyone and their kids), I experienced and was prepared for people turning down the invite which was totally fine... what I didn't expect was a family member decide to bring their 5 year old anyway, this not only caused issues with meals etc but people who left kids behind were annoyed that I had 'Made an exception for X,Y and Z' (which I didn't).

Your friend is BU if she can't understand that some people will not be able to attend due to leaving their children behind, however YABU to expect her to make an exception for a few people - from experience that just causes everyone a massive headache.

If a child free wedding is what your friend has decided on, it needs to a blanket 'no kids, no exception' and she has to deal with people turning down her invite.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 24/02/2020 15:39

Yes, that’s what I thought. Judging by your comments on other threads, you seem very caring. I hope it all goes well

I'm not sure I am, but I'm certainly not a monster trying to drive a wedge between a father and daughter etc!

Frazzledstar1 · 24/02/2020 17:29

It is her choice but for her to be annoyed that you can’t make it is ridiculous- never mind the fact that you likely won’t want to leave your 5 month old baby, not everyone has someone willing to babysit for an extended period.

mylifestory · 24/02/2020 17:38

Before ppl have kids they don't understand. Simple.

And its not reasonable to have child free weddings either. How do your other close friends feel about leaving their babies? Just say no, she is nuts. And remember to all have a getogether at the top of the Himalayas when she has a 5 month old!!

Shell4429 · 24/02/2020 17:40

I went to the US with my then bf, leaving my ASD teenager with his dad. I hated it, I wished I had never agreed to it.

Teresajune · 24/02/2020 17:47

Silly her to think people would a) be able to find someone to look after their babies while they fly abroad, b) actually want to leave their babies while they fly off abroad and c) can afford school holiday prices!

Don't go. Definitely do not go.

BabyWenger · 24/02/2020 17:48

And its not reasonable to have child free weddings either. Hmm

EngiNerd · 24/02/2020 17:50

I had a kid free wedding but invited the children of those who had to travel to get to my wedding. I didn't have kids back then but it just seemed like the logical thing to do.

ittakes2 · 24/02/2020 17:51

My sister’n’law did this - all of us where travelling from all over the world to attend the wedding in canada. My sister had it worst though - she was travelling from Australia with a 6 month old and sister’n’law wanted us to find baby sitters off the internet. We did go - ended up getting some local baby sitting recommendations from our b&b and tested the waters first by hiring a couple of them to come to look after our kids (4 kids from 6 months to 9 years) while we were there to see if we felt comfortable leaving them.

ddl1 · 24/02/2020 17:52

It is not U to have a child-free wedding - that's up to the couple. However, it is VERY U to make it difficult for parents of babies and toddlers,, and others who are not totally 'fancy-free', to attend your wedding (affordability can also be an issue with these 'destination weddings') and then get stroppy when people don''t attend. If someone wants to turn their wedding into a child-free dream holiday, fine; but then don't take offence when not everyone can manage to be there.

littlekerry8 · 24/02/2020 17:54

It is really rubbish to have to make that choice... but it's her big day and she should get what she wants. I hope she is ready to expect people may not come

wineandtoastfortea · 24/02/2020 17:55

If I was getting married in the U.K. I would stipulate no children/babies. If I was getting married abroad where people were already paying a fortune and having to stay away for more than one night, I’d definitely allow children

Nyata · 24/02/2020 17:57

You are not being unreasonable at all, I wouldn't leave my 5 month old baby. Your baby is more important.

Arthur2shedsJackson · 24/02/2020 18:02

I went to an absolutely beautiful wedding recently but the WHOLE occasional was spoilt by several young screaming babies who - almost selectively - ruined the readings and the vows. How totally selfish of the parents who could have easily slipped out with them. I wouldn’t blame any bride who didn’t want to take the risk of having babies at her special moment.

Localocal · 24/02/2020 18:03

No, you are not BU. She is being unreasonable to expect half of her friends to leave their babies behind to come to her wedding. If she is childless she probably doesn't really what a big ask that is. You may still be breastfeeding, and even if you aren't, or if you are one of the lucky ones with so much milk you could pump enough to leave the baby for a couple of days, there is a strong chance you will not be ready to leave the baby by five months.

I would say you have to decline with regrets as you cannot commit to leaving the baby at that age before you have even met the baby or experienced motherhood.

Perhaps you could do a really great hen weekend before your babies come with all of you there, on the basis that the new mums will not make the wedding.

If you don't have your wedding where your friends are you have to accept that many of them won't come. Ditto with family.