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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bride not allowing children to abroad wedding...

573 replies

Chokedwiththecold · 23/02/2020 09:15

Now, I know how this sounds, but I can't help being a bit annoyed about it.

I know that I don't Need to go.

My best friend is getting married this year abroad. Its over the school holidays so the price of the flights and accommodation is absolutely sooooo expensive. We are a very close girl group of 7 of us and 3 of us will have new born babies by the time the wedding comes around. Wedding was only booked a few months ago. Anyway, what's annoying me is the bride has said no kids allowed. I totally understand that people don't want kids at a wedding but I'm feeling really sad about not having to bring my baby as is our other friends. I don't see what difference it would make either. It's not like the would be running around making noise etc. I feel like I might not go but when I mentioned this she seemed so annoyed. I honestly don't know if I should go or not. I'm on the fence. My baby will be 5 months old.

Am I being unreasonable to think she's maybe being a little but unreasonable about this and she could have just allowed her best friends with their children.?

Thanks for listening to my rant.

OP posts:
Arthritica · 23/02/2020 12:50

She's unreasonable to exclude babes in arms.

GothamProtector · 23/02/2020 12:56

I've got to ask would those who say to hire a childminder or nanny really leave their small children with a stranger?
They could be qualified to the eyeballs but how do you get enough time to get the baby or child used to them?
How do you get the baby comfortable with being left with a stranger?

There is nobodies wedding who's important enough for me to put my kids through that.
Not even the baby my 3 year old would be distraught.

AriadnesFilament · 23/02/2020 12:58

I wouldn’t @GothamProtector, not one that you’d presumably find through a resort abroad, no.

katewhinesalot · 23/02/2020 13:04

She may have invited 150. I doubt very much150 will attend. I doubt even 75 will attend.

cstaff · 23/02/2020 13:04

I am looking forward to hearing her response to all of your refusals because of her no child rules. I can't see it going down too well especially as there are 3 of you in the same position.

Aridane · 23/02/2020 13:05

@L0bstersLass - stop coming up with practical suggestions that might make this work!

pipnchops · 23/02/2020 13:06

There's no way I would have gone on holiday without my 5 month old baby and as I breastfed it would have been impossible. She is BVU to expect this. Tbh I wouldn't even go to a wedding abroad without my 3 and 5 year old and it would have to be someone very close to me to justify the expense with or without kids.

Marmunia1975 · 23/02/2020 13:07

No way! Not a chance I would go.

ActualHornist · 23/02/2020 13:09

I wouldn’t go. I have gone to childfree weddings and that’s fine, but I would not spend my only opportunity at a holiday excluding my own children.

I might of course if I was insanely wealthy and could afford multiple hols. But most people probably can’t.

BumbleBeee69 · 23/02/2020 13:10

it would be a NO from me 😊

3luckystars · 23/02/2020 13:13

It's just so thoughtless. It's like expecting you to all traispe somewhere abroad and leave your husband back at the hotel.
She knows your baby will be travelling abroad, what does she expect you to do with the baby?
Crazy.

No way would I go to that shite.

BumbleBeee69 · 23/02/2020 13:13

glad to see you're not going OP

MulticolourMophead · 23/02/2020 13:14

She won't get the whole guest list of 150 at the wedding, despie what they might be saying now.

Unless they are very well off, once people start costing up the travel, the childcare, etc, etc and balancing those costs against other things, eg a family holiday, they'll start declining.

So, as another poster mentioned, OP, you and your other friends with babies need to get your declines in now. Then when all the other declines come in she'll vent at those other people.

TeetotalKoala · 23/02/2020 13:15

Neither of you are being unreasonable. It's her wedding, she has every right to say no children, as do you to decline the invitation.

One of the reasons that we chose to have a child-free wedding was because we went to one whilst planning ours, and the babe in arms (aged around 5 months) in the row in front did nothing but shriek almost the whole way through the ceremony. The dad did take her outside in the end, but we'd already missed large chunks of it. We decided that day that we didn't want our friends to miss our ceremony, either because of noisy children, or because they were outside with them.

We had a couple of people decline (those travelling to the wedding), but everyone was fine with it.

DecemberSnow · 23/02/2020 13:17

She needs to understand if she has said no babies, then people will decline.

I personally wouldn't go even if baby was invited.... Alot of faff

DazzlingDee · 23/02/2020 13:17

I’m getting married abroad, over the School Holidays. I might be your friend! Ha.

We have said no children - apart from immediate Family/Bridal party and babies 6m and under.

I would not be offended/upset at all if someone declined because of this. Actually a few people have declined and its completely understandable.

Whether we got married in UK or abroad our decision re children would be the same. Our cousins and friends collectively have 64 children between them!! Madness.

RachelEllenRE · 23/02/2020 13:21

Mine are older and I wouldn't go abroad without them - limited holidays/childcare options/holiday budget means it just wouldn't be an option.

Not inviting young babies to weddings is weird though, even local ones!

itsgettingweird · 23/02/2020 13:22

I've been to all manner of weddings.

Full event.
Reception and evening only.
Evening only.

Some have been everyone and some are child free.

I accept what I can and what I want.

But there's no way I'd have travelled abroad leaving ds at 5 months old to attend a wedding. Tbh I don't think I'd have gone if he was invited! Babies can struggle with heat changes and time changes and don't always sleep well abroad. (Just read all the threads here about non sleeping babies and holidays!)

okiedokieme · 23/02/2020 13:23

I speak to the others with babies then jointly tell her none of you can attend unless you bring them with you. There's no way I could have left mine under 18 months because they were breastfed (and the rest of the apartment block knew if I left them with their dad for even 4 hours, nothing else comforted dd1 especially (she's autistic but obviously we didn't know then!)

L0bstersLass · 23/02/2020 13:26

@Aridane

Grin
StealthMama · 23/02/2020 13:31

She clearly doesn't have kids does she. My wedding was child free except babes in arms.

She mustn't care too much about you 3 being there, surely she recognises you won't be leaving an infant behind.

BarbedBloom · 23/02/2020 13:33

I do understand why they have said no babies too if I am honest. I have been to so many weddings where babies cried or wailed all the way through, or even just grizzled so none of us could hear. The problem wasn't the babies, it was the parents who didn't take them outside. Several people around us decided that day that their wedding would be child free. We did allow children at our wedding and one ran to the front and shouted over the registrar. We thought it was cute but I imagine a lot of people would have found that annoying - all day people came up to us saying how sorry they were for us.

But at the same time, they should expect a lot of people to decline as some won't have anyone to watch their children, others won't want to leave them at all.

Vulpine · 23/02/2020 13:35

No different to leaving ones baby with 'a random stranger' in thìs country. Not sure how the nationality of the said babysitter is relevant.

stoplickingthetelly · 23/02/2020 13:38

People can be so selfish about weddings. If this is their absolutes hearts desire then they really need to expect many guests to decline the invitation. In your position OP I wouldn’t be going. I think your friend has been really inconsiderate tbh and if she truly wanted everyone there on the day she’d have chosen a different (local) wedding. Do not let her make you feel guilty for not attending.

AnotherEmma · 23/02/2020 13:44

YANBU. Just don't go. If your friend is angry that just means she is an arsehole, don't engage with it and don't feel guilty.

She has managed to combine the two type of weddings I hate: destination and child-free. I think destination weddings are ridiculous (and I mean when it's a holiday destination not the bride or groom's home country). It's so selfish to expect people to spend a fortune on travel and accommodation and use up their precious annual leave. And it's basically inviting people on your honeymoon which I find weird.

Child-free weddings I can understand a bit more, although personally I think weddings are to celebrate families and life stages including children and it's lovely to have children there. For small sophisticated weddings, fair enough to have no children, but the couple can't expect people with children to attend if they can't get childcare or don't feel comfortable leaving their children.

To make a destination wedding child-free is just ridiculous, selfish and inconsiderate.