Bride not allowing children to abroad wedding...

[Chokedwiththecold]

Now, I know how this sounds, but I can't help being a bit annoyed about it.

I know that I don't Need to go.

My best friend is getting married this year abroad. Its over the school holidays so the price of the flights and accommodation is absolutely sooooo expensive. We are a very close girl group of 7 of us and 3 of us will have new born babies by the time the wedding comes around. Wedding was only booked a few months ago. Anyway, what's annoying me is the bride has said no kids allowed. I totally understand that people don't want kids at a wedding but I'm feeling really sad about not having to bring my baby as is our other friends. I don't see what difference it would make either. It's not like the would be running around making noise etc. I feel like I might not go but when I mentioned this she seemed so annoyed. I honestly don't know if I should go or not. I'm on the fence. My baby will be 5 months old.

Am I being unreasonable to think she's maybe being a little but unreasonable about this and she could have just allowed her best friends with their children.?

Thanks for listening to my rant.

I had a friend who wanted to go abroad for a long weekend, she was expecting at the time and we persuaded her to stay in the uk just in case. Her baby was 5 month's at the time of the break. In the end she couldn't face leaving her baby behind and the baby came along for the weekend (it didn't go down well!)

Your friend isn't being unreasonable to want her wedding child free or abroad; her day, her choice.

She would be unreasonable if she got huffy about her friends declining invitations because they don't feel comfortable leaving their children/paying huge amounts of amount to attend.

Sounds like you've already made up your mind, and to be honest anyone who plans to get married abroad has to accept a lot of people can't/won't be able to attend.

If someone is having a destination wedding they are saying having the wedding somewhere 'nice' is more important than having family and friends there - which is fine but then they shouldn't moan if people can't or don't want to go.

So, there are a number of reasons why couples would choose to not have children at their wedding.
Have you thought of asking her why?
Could it be that it's not just her decision to not have children there?

I got married 3 years ago and I also requested that there be no children... including my own!
I had a 1 year old at the time and whilst he was at the ceremony he didn't join us for the after meal and party and these were the reasons why:

1. Numbers and finances: each child that comes to a wedding is another wedding meal and place.

At our wedding the meal was £50 a head. If you invite 50 people (which is a small number for a wedding) that's £2500 on food alone - not including drinks, wedding favours, place settings etc. We had to cap our numbers at 50 which meant that if we were to allow children, each child that came would be an adult that we couldn't invite. Weddings are super expensive as it is without adding extra expense where it can be otherwise avoided.

Also, If you tell one couple they can bring their child you then have to tell other couples they can bring theirs - some couples might have 1 child, some might have 3... it very quickly takes up numbers and therefore money.

1. You want people who come to your wedding to have a good time and not to have them spend the day worrying about their children and what they are doing.

As a mum of a 2 and 4 year old I can honestly say the thought of taking my boys to a wedding would fill me with dread - they would not sit quietly through a ceremony or a wedding breakfast, they'd probably fuss about the food they were served and I'd have to constantly chase after them through the day which would mean I'd be focussed on them rather than the wedding - which is why I'm there in the first place - additionally I'd more than likely have to go home early to put them to bed so would miss the evening party also! This was what I didn't want for anyone I invited to my wedding.

I've been the person your friend is by not inviting children and yes it did cause issues and lots of people couldn't come, but I understood that this was a natural consequence of choosing to not have children there: financially though, I couldn't have afforded it.

Speak to her, it might help you understand the reasons behind their choice.

No chance would I leave my 'still very dependent on me' baby at home & pay a horrendously expensive flights/hotel bill for a wedding. Just no way. Totally her right to get married abroad & say no children BUT she must surely then expect some invitation declines - she can't be a 'good' friend if she doesn't understand how this will affect several of you. Even if you DIDN'T have a young baby, you might not be able to afford/justify the coast- lots of people can't, these days. That's the risk she's taking by marrying abroad - & at the most expensive time of the year!! Just politely decline & don't let her make you feel bad. If she gets arsey with you, then you know she's not a true friend. Sad but there you go.

Would i HELL leave my 5 month old in a different country!

You are not being unreasonable. I wouldn't go, she's being inconsiderate, though it is her day she could of made it easier for her best friends

I think you've made the right choice in declining.

She doesn't want your baby there, and you don't want to be there without your baby. On this occasion, what makes you both happy doesn't match up.

Hopefully the whole group (including the bride) can catch up for a celebration either side of the wedding - although you've done the right thing, you'll need to work hard to make sure your non-attendance doesn't cause the group to drift/splinter.

No chance would I have gone without children under a year. I hope she had the decency to gracefully accept you declining.

So, there are a number of reasons why couples would choose to not have children at their wedding.
Have you thought of asking her why?
Could it be that it's not just her decision to not have children there

The reasons why are irrelevant if the OP cant go and doesnt want to leave her baby. Of course the bride had every right to have a child free wedding but she will also have to suck up the fact not everyone will go.

She could have the most valid reason in the world for having a child free destination wedding but if her friends cant afford to go and dont want to leave their kids then thats JUST as valid. Her friend choice not to go is just as valid as her reasons for having it abroad

I wouldn't leave my babies for a day at that age never mind a few days abroad. Decline the invite.

Sometimes it's unavoidable. What are people getting married who are from opposite ends of the country or from different countries supposed to do?

Someone I worked with solved that with very small wedding, immediate family only and then two receptions 1 week apart in different ends of the country.

@sashh what a lovely idea. Quite the opposite of many stories on here. A thoughtful couple

Numbers and finances: each child that comes to a wedding is another wedding meal and place.
At our wedding the meal was £50 a head. If you invite 50 people (which is a small number for a wedding) that's £2500 on food alone - not including drinks, wedding favours, place settings etc.

That was your choice to spend that much.

You already had a one year old why not just get married if finances are an issue.

A couple who marry at a registry office are just as married as those who spend £2500 on food

What is more shocking is how people cannot make a decision about whether to attend a wedding on their own.

Doesn't work for you: don't go.

I have been to a few weddings abroad but due to the bride or groom being from that country. Have American relatives so those have cost a lot over the years.

It’s never unreasonable to turn down a wedding abroad even if a relative due to cost let alone having a small baby.

She can enjoy being popular without you there. I just wonder if you will end up friends for life. She may be someone that attracts a lot of friends but drops them readily. How long have you been friends?

Do 150 people have to travel to this wedding?

What's the point of having the wedding specifically in the school holidays if children aren't invited?

@SluggishSnail my guess is one/both of the couple are teachers...??

Right decision not to go. Let us know how she takes it.

I think she is being a bit unreasonable in having a wedding abroad and expecting people to leave children. Child free in your home country is totally fine, abroad less so. However it’s totally up to her but she can’t be surprised if you decline.

I can see why she doesn’t want babies there. You’ve said out of 7 friends there are 3 babies, and probably more among the rest of the guests if there are 150. Contrary to your OP, it’s highly likely your 5 month old baby will be “making noise”! I’ve seen so many wedding ceremonies with grizzly babies, including my own. Fair enough if she doesn’t want that - but she needs to accept the consequences of that is that some people can’t go.

If i got invited to a wedding abroad and my children weren't invited i wouldn't go

One of the problems with organising a wedding is that you only get one shot, with no previous experience. So the “no children” rule makes sense until you realise all your friends decline your wedding.

Also if it’s printed invites it’s harder to put “ best friends with babies can bring theirs but I don’t want toddlers and my best friends teenage daughter is welcome but aunts and uncles have 9 kids between them which we can’t afford”
I haven’t read the thread but it’s always worth a chat with the bride just to see where her thinking is.

@leflic you do only get one shot which is also why the no children rule makes sense in another way - you say your vows once, and if a baby chooses that moment to have a meltdown, you don’t get to go again another time.

It’s difficult though because of course OP can’t leave her baby to go abroad, and as much as not wanting children/babies at your wedding makes it go more smoothly in some respects, it’s also a very big shame to not have your good friends there.

I feel for the bride but she has made it much harder by making it abroad.

she can't be angry though....hopefully

Oh, I think she will be! She’s got ‘entitled bride’ written all over her!

I think what you meant to say was “she’s got no right to be angry given she’s chosen to get married abroad and then stipulate no kids - you can’t have your cake and eat it, after all! - so I’m sure she’ll be reasonable when I tell her.” Alas, given that you and 2 other close friends with babies aren’t going to go, I think she’s going to be pissed off, because, you know, IT’S HER DAY. 🙄

If you really want to go, why don't the three of you with small children club together to hire a childminder for the duration of the actual wedding ceremony and wedding breakfast - you can then enjoy the rest of the holiday time with your children.