"Oh thank you, that will be a lovely toy to have at Granny's house"?

[babybrain77]

WIBU to respond this way to a present given to DS by MIL?

Backstory - MIL is very controlling/emotionally manipulative of DH. He has gone relatively LC with her since we had our DS (he used to see her a couple of times a week, now around once a month) - his choice not mine. She is regularly putting him in deliberately difficult situations where he feels that he is being asked to choose between her and me/DS. I bite my tongue and try to be supportive but it's not easy.

DS is coming up to his first birthday. We are having a small get together to celebrate. We have been avoiding buying plastic toys for him since he was born - I dislike the environmental impact and also don't like the house to be filled with plastic crap. We do have the odd plastic bit here and there which have been handed down by friends - I have no issue with this. MIL knows this as we have explained it, but almost every time she sees DS she brings some sort of plastic tat, gradually increasing in size. Last month it was a plastic Hoover. I am already dreading what she will bring for his birthday.

I have asked DH to let her know that DS really doesn't need any more toys and to suggest a book or item of clothing, but he doesn't feel able to do so without initiating an argument. So, when she arrives with her enormous plastic toy, WIBU to thank her and say it will be great to have it to play with at her house???

Saying and doing certain things suggest a lot about your personality and the type of person you are, pointing this out isn’t not a character assassination. It could be wrong, it’s just an observation and pointing out that if you behave in a certain way then people will form certain opinions about you.

And telling people what they can and can’t say on a public forum is definitely controlling if what they are saying is within the rules of the site.

Totally understand where you are coming from with the wooden toys. My second DD is under 1, and while she's still this young I'm buying wooden toys and books. I have a 16 year old too, so I know too well what's ahead of us in plastic crap and Mcdonald's toys, so while she's too young to know better, I'm buying a pretty wooden stacking toy, not a plastic one.

I also hate new plastic, OP, and I have one friend who dotes on my toddler and is always buying her brand new plastic. Since everyone else is more than happy to buy her second hand stuff I figure it won't make much difference and we'll pass it to other people whose kids will use it too. I'd just accept it. Environmentally, try not to let perfection be the enemy of the good - everyone cutting down a bit will have far more impact than a few people living a 100% perfect life (and people can and do argue for days about what that looks like in the eco context anyway). From a family point of view, pick your battles, accept the plastic, let her see it at your house a few times and then regift it as soon as your baby grows out of it unless you have grown to love it!

Wooden toys are lovely in theory but once you have an overexcited toddler lobbing them about for fun you'll wish you'd bought a sack of preloved plastic fruit and veg on Ebay

You keep saying you’re not snooty about plastic and you’ve got this, that and the other.
All you’re doing is confirming that your issue is with your mil. Plastic is fine so long as it’s not from your mil. Why is that?

If he's only one, she's likely to buy a toy of some description, isn't she?

I would just accept it & keep it or not as you decide after the party.

Support your husband in wanting to not see much of his mum!

I agree with you OP.

I dislike the amount of plastic tat my DC have collected over the years. They don't play with any of it, just leave it in a heaped mountain on the floor. This tells me they also didn't like it much after the novelty wore off. Awful materialistic throw away culture.

There are a million other gifts people could buy them that the DC would absolutely love... days out/activities, books, clothes (They now like to pick their own clothes each morning so vouchers to buy own clothes would be great). Etc etc etc

As for the mil boundaries.... I think ANY close family member should respect your choices. My DS once received plastic toys for 1yr old when he was 4yrs old when close family deliberately ignored our gift suggestions. He wasn't interested at all in the toy. It was a waste.

I always ask close family what I should get their DC. Makes sense to me.

@Toffeecakes asking people not to be nasty is not controlling. Calling someone snobby, arrogant etc is not nice or necessary. Just because we are posting online doesn't mean we can't all have basic manners.

If she's making a point of wondering where the toys she chooses are be honest. Oh we didn't like it so I gave it away/ put it in the loft/ he broke it.
Look I'm a big fan of reducing my consumer impact but acting snobbish and calling all plastic toys she has chosen tat is just to piss her off isn't it? You need to be firmer with boundaries rather than acting as though she is inferior.

Be clear. He only needs new toys on special occasions, not every month.
Always give her an idea of what he likes to do. Also think what plastic things have future potential use for other children such as scooters/ slides/ swings/ play houses/ Lego/ duplo etc. Thin plastic toys are annoyingly flimsy and I don't like them at all. But they do get given to us. But I don't say never. I try to find a suitable use for the Toy. If the child loves it, great. If not i give them to the school raffle etc. Take a picture of them playing with it before it gets broken and show it to the purchaser if the child wants it. If not say they seem to really like x at the moment. But I always make sure they also see the child actively enjoying their favourite toys too.

Plastic toys Are also.pretty cheap. Perhaps they are trying to be modestly spending? Encouraging fewer toys due to space / overwhelmed child will help that.

Nobody is assassinating your character. You don't seem to like it when people disagree with you or call you unreasonable.
She is bringing him a present for his birthday. She will give him toys for Christmas. She is normal here. You will not end up with piles of plastic toys from this. And you can pass them on when he is finished with them. She's his grandmother. Give her some respect rather than criticising her because she has a different opinion to you.

All the toys I bought my eldest (an adult) were wood. It's hardly a new trend ffs.

I'm confused about why you don't care about the destruction of trees to make your wooden toys

so while she's too young to know better, I'm buying a pretty wooden stacking toy, not a plastic one.

I had a plastic stacking ring set. It was loved and constantly played by 4 children 10 years in age difference between oldest and youngest. What I loved about it was when they were in the banging-everything-phase (anything from 6 months to 2 years) the plastic rings wouldn't give a lump on the forehead like a slap of a wooden ring would!!

They were used both in and out of the bath. They were softer than than wood, easy to hold, easy to clean, easy to suck, chew (good for irritated gums) and as already mentioned didn't hurt or make as much noise when banged on a table or forehead!

After over 10 years of use, they were passed on for someone else to enjoy.

You will not end up with piles of plastic toys from this.

I did.

I was a wooden toy mum. Oh so. Back then, I probably sounded right up my own arse. Anyway, truth of the matter; wooden toys suck and people will bring plastic.

OP: AIBU?
Most posters: yep
OP: no I’m not, you’re assassinating my character
Pointless even posting OP! I give up, I wasn’t being mean I was stating how it looks. And I didn’t call you arrogant.

Awful materialistic throw away culture.

jeez, only if you actually throw it away.
donate to charity for someone else's enjoyment.

You’re trying to address your and your DH’s feelings about his Mum by controlling the situation.

You can’t control other people, and trying and failing to will only lead to frustration and a worsening of relationship.

My advice to you would be to stop trying to control what she does, and instead work on changing how much her behaviours get to you both.

Hi OP I think it’s really good that you are reading the answers and reflecting and perhaps realising that this is not the right battle to fight with your mother-in-law.

I have a very difficult mother. So I know what it’s like when she does something it’s apparently innocuous but really it’s about control. All I can say is that despite everything I’m really pleased that I made the effort to allow her to have a relationship with my children. There is a good side to what your mother-in-law is doing. Try to focus on that. If she loves the baby and doesn’t abuse the baby then the baby is entitled to her relationship with her.

My MIL is manipulative and controlling. I struggle to deal with her and am v low contact. I can't imagine restricting the toys she brings etc as this is just stroking the beast/getting involved in the conflict. Pick your battles. I let DH deal with her as If I start micro managing their relationship I am then becoming the controlling person I am complaining about.

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre

That's absolutely my experience. We have plastic toys that are multipurpose. We've used them as play dough cutters one day, bath toys the next, they've been played with in the garden, and played with in the play kitchen, and the paddling pool. These are plastic toys bought for DC1 many years ago still being played with by DC3 now. And made of plastic. Once youngest is done they will go to the charity shop and somebody else may well get use of them (some were second hand to start with). All plastic toys. The beautiful wooden toys? Mostly gone. Chipped so causing splinters. Water damaged. Broken.

YANBU really and I sympathise as my MIL is similar, she's not as manipulating as yours but oh the HUGE toys, and it's only because she wants to be seen to buy the "best" present every time.

YABU to think your DS will have minimal plastic toys though. Fair enough for reducing it now that he's only a baby, but as he gets older you'll be seriously restricting his choices of presents and toys if you refuse plastic.

Calling someone snobby, arrogant etc is not nice or necessary. Just because we are posting online doesn't mean we can't all have basic manners.

Erm but didn't you call someone an idiot a few pages back.

I completely agree with @TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre’s wise posts, and I think there is a much bigger issue than the toys. You need to have a really frank conversation with DH with the nature of his, and your, relationship with his mother, and he may need to speak to someone about some of his unresolved issues.

Yes, in an ideal world it would be really lovely to have a grand parenting relationship with MIL based on clear, mutually respected boundaries, just as it would be lovely to have only sustainably chosen toys for your small child. You need to take a pragmatic view of just how realistic both of those ideals are, however,