"Oh thank you, that will be a lovely toy to have at Granny's house"?

[babybrain77]

WIBU to respond this way to a present given to DS by MIL?

Backstory - MIL is very controlling/emotionally manipulative of DH. He has gone relatively LC with her since we had our DS (he used to see her a couple of times a week, now around once a month) - his choice not mine. She is regularly putting him in deliberately difficult situations where he feels that he is being asked to choose between her and me/DS. I bite my tongue and try to be supportive but it's not easy.

DS is coming up to his first birthday. We are having a small get together to celebrate. We have been avoiding buying plastic toys for him since he was born - I dislike the environmental impact and also don't like the house to be filled with plastic crap. We do have the odd plastic bit here and there which have been handed down by friends - I have no issue with this. MIL knows this as we have explained it, but almost every time she sees DS she brings some sort of plastic tat, gradually increasing in size. Last month it was a plastic Hoover. I am already dreading what she will bring for his birthday.

I have asked DH to let her know that DS really doesn't need any more toys and to suggest a book or item of clothing, but he doesn't feel able to do so without initiating an argument. So, when she arrives with her enormous plastic toy, WIBU to thank her and say it will be great to have it to play with at her house???

I think you need to decide on the bigger issue. Either she is welcome in your life or not. If she is a reluctant invitee she's being set up to fail. These aren't boundaries. This is trying to squish her into a very small box and then use it against her when she violates the many rules placed upon limited contact.

Does she love your child? Is she beneficial in his life? If she is then I think you're doing your child a far bigger disservice than preventing plastic from entering his life.

Tell her DS has shown some real interest in schliech animals or brio or duplo and she if she runs with it. Or graciously receive whatever she brings. Or just tell her you don't want her in your life and be done.

Blimey! Just had a look at Green Toys on Amazon.

Soooo expensive!! A little plastic tea set over £20. A tugboat bath toy £11.

Laudable but not going to work for most families. They'll still go to Smyths.

I’d then agree that some of them stayed at grand house to play with there - and would be sure my child got time to play with them there

And if they insisted that no, they were to stay at your house, and they were hurt that you were trying to get them out of your house? If she keeps pushing, you end up in a place where you either have to say yes to every piece of plastic tat or start a fight.

What about an afternoon out with the baby for gift shopping ??

Tbh tho I'd just accept the gift as it's intended for your son. Then when he's finished playing with it donate it to a playgroup or toy library where it will have years of use. If you check for local eco groups on Facebook you'll probably find the likes of toy swap shops or whatever.

I'm a little surprised at the controversy around the distinction between reusing and purchasing something new. This isn't exclusive to plastic btw - we would rather reuse something that someone else doesn't need or want than buy it new.

So if your MIL turned up with a second-hand toy you'd be pleased? I doubt it tbh. But if that is the case, you should tell her. Agree with the previous suggestions (may be some pages back now!) of contributing to a larger set such as Brio or garden equipment.

Ohhh AIBU. Always provokes strong reaction.

FWIW I don't think you are being controlling, over the top, unreasonable or anything else.

You'd just like less plastic crap, and are trying to do your best with a difficult relative.

Keep going!

Just take what she gives you, say ‘thanks very much’, let your child play with it and when they outgrow it give it to a charity shop. Let go of the drama.

Personally I would have the argument - once! - end of. Keep want you want to keep, and give the rest to charity, friends, recycle, whatever you want. Your house/your child - your rules. Your DH should be stepping up really, don’t see why you always have to play bad cop.

I understand the plastic stuff. I hate the fact that our house is filled with plastic tat. I really do

However. Is this the hill you want to die on? Is it really worth the angst? As your child gets older. If you have parties. No one will come if you start saying no plastic stuff. There isn’t many wooden toys and if you’ve got most. It’s also much more expensive. People usually spend £10 or so on a gift. You won’t get wooden for that

I don’t think YABU. However I do believe it’s just not worth the battle.

If she keeps pushing, you end up in a place where you either have to say yes to every piece of plastic tat or start a fight.

Then in all honesty, if it meant my child had a good relationship with his gran I’d just let her get on with it. There are other, bigger fights to be had so I’d save my ire and energy for something immovable.

As others have said by the time they’re having birthdays you’ll end up with 15 variations on a theme of plastic tat from people you barely know, I’m not going to labour the relationship with a close relative for the sake of Shopkins or Paw Patrol.

I hate plastic too but Ex's family bombard my kids with it and bring it over in their cars (they live far away). I do a lot of charity shop trips with it. My boys don't even like toys to be honest, they get played with once and then forgotten about.

Thanks everyone, I think the general feeling is right. This isn't the hill to die on as @Herringbone31 so aptly puts it. There are some really helpful ideas on here too thank you - I do like the idea of starting a set that we can ask people to contribute to when they ask what DS would like.

I also like the PP suggestions of kindly and calmly letting her know that she doesn't need to bring something every time she sees him. That way hopefully this is just something to suck up at birthday/christmas and not every month.

I am really surprised about the responses in this thread. I don't want a house full of tat, I think kids get overwhelmed and careless about their possessions when they have too many of them, and I do not want the hassle of trying to get things of unwanted gifts. I tell people very clearly (but politely), consumable gifts only, please. If someone continued to get my child gifts like this despite my asking them nicely not to, I'd fall out with them.

@omali178 please stop spamming AIBU threads. If you're going to ask a bunch of randoms (who may just as well be MRAs as mothers for all you know) to complete your survey then create your own thread. But I'd have a chat to your dissertation supervisor about constructing a better research design instead.

There is also a huge difference between plastic 'tat' (most of the stuff advertised on Boomerang and other such channels) and Duplo, play food, tea sets and hoovers. Fisher Price stuff is still good plus many other makes. They have great imaginative play value, last reasonably well, can be cleaned and handed on when finished with.

I kept a few precious plastic bits that my children played with and got them out again for my grandchildren.

It's all the gimmicky stuff that needs stopping.

I'd just suck it up to be honest- if no-one else will be buying him that sort of thing then it's just 1 plastic toy - what's the big deal? You can't really avoid it 100% when you have little ones. Lots of plastic stuff is brilliantly educational/developmental & can be passed along to friends/family/charity when your child/ren have outgrown whatever it is. It's not worth fighting over & if she's doing it on purpose to piss you off, your non-reaction won't give her the satisfaction.

Do you have anywhere to store toys op? What I found with dd is that she got bored with toys so I used to rotate them to reduce the clutter. (This was older than 1yo of course). Anything, which was a favourite was left out and the others packed away. Then rotate again every couple of weeks. That way toys always seem new. You could also explain your space issue to your mil and ask if she would mind getting more compact things or something for the garden.

As for classing her as controlling, if it were on this issue alone, I think she would be right to say you are more controlling. Obviously there is a massive back story so I cannot judge on this myself. Both you and your mil need to chill out. Your dh needs to be listened to more as well.

@DC3dilemma suggestion of the Trihorse marble run is good by the way, DS still loves his and he's nearly 2 now, he got it last year and it's still in perfect condition.

Why can't your DH suggest gifts? She doesn't have to buy them, but at least then you're having a stab. Say: this summer we expect him to play mostly with garden toys like water table, rocker and climbing frame, scooter, parent-push trike, little car etc; if you can pick something you'd like to get him for the garden that would be great please. She's got him a little hoover, so she's clearly got a good sense for kid toys anyway.

Brio trains and tracks are really good too, all the kids love them.

(most of the stuff advertised on Boomerang and other such channels)
Both my kids have had hours and hours of play with things like paw patrol toys, Octonaughts and the like, lots of imaginative play, mixing the different characters etc making up their own storylines. My DD was given a second hand Frozen castle which she played with incessantly and which in turn got passed on to someone else when she was finished. I’m coming to the end of my house being stacked with plastic but I wouldn’t have swapped those times for anything - and I’m not remotely bothered whether it’s Lego, geomags, a paw patroller or a Barbie cruise ship - they all have enormous play value and can be cleaned and passed on to someone else to enjoy.

What about going for a good quality beechwood toy like brio trainsets.They can be added to, easily stored and have become an heirloom toy in our family.

Marble run looks good fun 😂

I just worry that donating it will lead to an argument which I'd rather not have!

Then you say it is broken.

I had similar with my MIL but with clothes. She insisted on buying very flouncy long dresses for my child who never wore clothes like that. She always asked why DC wasn’t wearing them. I replied they had outgrown them or had spilled a drink on them. It didn’t really matter what I said. She bought them because SHE liked them. A few times I said that DC preferred leggings as they were more comfortable but it fell on deaf ears. Eventually she stopped buying them. Although much harder at the beginning, these things resolve in time without making a big fuss.

But why do you need to create a boundary over your mil’s gifts to your child? Is this really worth it? Could you not be gracious and grateful on behalf of your child?
FWIW I grew up with the wooden toys only and everything had to be educational and preferably made in Germany. Very little plastic allowed. This was the 70s too. I did have fantastic toys and a huge range but I longed for a Sindy or Pippa doll! This is where a more relaxed granny would have been great. (I just received a Pippa and some doll’s furniture from my sister at Christmas- sourced from eBay- amazing!)