To smash up all DS screens

[OntheWaves40]

DS (14) has repeatedly ignored me when I’ve told him it’s lights out and removed his screens, he has sneaked downstairs for them, sneaked in to my bedroom when i’ve been in the bathroom for them, rooted through my drawers to look for them. The first night I confiscated his phone, the second his tablet and by the third his game console. I told him he would get them back on Sunday. This was Monday evening and since then I’ve caught him several times on one of them. Tonight he was on his tablet I grabbed it off him and smashed it up in front of him, then gathered his phone and console and threw them all out his bedroom window. His console is broke. His phone survived.
Now I don’t know what to do. He’s in his room and I’m in living room in shock.

I find it interesting the idea that if one is the victim of something horrible and disturbing and shocking, the response may be automatically to pay it forward to someone other than the perpetrator - not that tit for tat should be a thing of course. I read many many posts from people on here detailing their very traumatic abusive childhoods and their utter determination to break the cycle and teach their offspring healthier models of behaviour.

I suppose people who have no experience whatsoever of positive role models will need other help to recognise their behaviour is unacceptable which may come when the law is broken or other agencies intervene and their actions impact them negatively too.

Nothing is black and white when it comes to human behaviour I feel, and most people without significant psychopathologies have the capacity to learn and change. I don't see the benefit of consistently beating people down for one bad decision if they are actively trying to change - this surely will lead to the hopelessness and self hate that can actually propogate the undesirable behaviour.

Seriously though, what is your reason for thinking a child being on a screen for 48 hours until they were sick is not something you should be taking seriously?

That’s not normal. I absolutely take issue with the fact that is the case for 50% of teens. Of course we don’t have the resources to support every one of them to the extend they should be, I’m spending my own money on glue sticks for God’s sake. but that does not mean you just think “oh well! Definitely don’t need to even try and do anything for this child”. I mean, maybe you’re able to think that, but I’m not.

A lack of resources is not a reason to just not even bother.

I have the exact same problem with my 14 year old and he has done the exact same thing with sneaking behind my back.
It's not a question of better hiding place I couldn't hide anywhere else I have a small house!

I'm at the end of my tether too

You are surely aware of how many do this. Primary age kids have smart phones in their bedrooms, they are on them until the small hours. They’re pretty open about it. What are you doing then?

B1teS1ze

We teach them, but aside from this de-rail.

How many parents get violent over this?
Many on here have said that they would like to smash things up, but most never cross the line in to willfully damaging there child's tech.

There is a line that shouldn't be crossed, it seems that mine is in the sand and yours is in the middle of the forest somewhere.

We were in a similar situation with our son and his console.

My exh did the same as you and threw the console out of the window. Undo it bounced on the grass and wasn't damaged.

The fact things had come to this point forced us to take back control. We had a big discussion with DS and we put a timer on the socket where the router was plugged in and the WiFi went off at 10pm. I'm not going to lie that could be inconvenient for us too, especially when I was half way through an online Tesco shop and the WiFi went off but we got through it.

Now he's much older and doesn't use it as much. Things will get better OP.

That's a total disproportionate response. The behaviour your modelling sounds just as bad as his. I think you need to work out where your anger is coming from and work on controlling it. If you can't control your anger how can you expect him to as he grow up? I think apologising to your son is also important.

My mother never used to apologise, and now I am struggling to keep a relationship with her because I don't respect her. My mother lost control like that a few times, when she could've asked me what was wrong instead. As a result, I don't tell her anything. Choose wisely what kind of parent you want to be.
A lot of posters are saying to not show weakness and make respect you. Why should he respect you if you don't respect him enough to apologise? Why does he deserve less respect because he's 15? Why do you deserve more by being a parent?

I took my nephew's screen items to work and kept them in my locker when requested

Obv when requested by my SIL. Nephew wasn't requesting it

It’s quite bizarre reading posts from parents of 6 year olds trying to teach someone to parent a teen!

I’m a single parent and one of my DSs is 14. He’s bigger, taller and stronger than me.

Of course I’ve had to tell him many times over the years to behave differently, but it adds a whole new layer of frustration when you know that they are physically superior. You feel utterly powerless when your requests, pleas, discussions and threats are ignored.

When I read threads like this I think “there but for the grace of God”, as should anyone with an ounce of empathy.

@B1teS1ze You are surely aware of how many do this. Primary age kids have smart phones in their bedrooms, they are on them until the small hours. They’re pretty open about it. What are you doing then?

This has happened in my school. I have had kids fall asleep in class, which causes them embarrassment. If on chatting with the pupil they said there were up gaming until the small hours, I would certainly flag it with the DSL.

The DSL is the one who will have the overall view of what may be happening for that child. I, or any other individual member of staff, including you, won't. That is why the DSL needs to be told.
You can read more here assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/835733/Keeping_children_safe_in_education_2019.pdf
As a staff member I have to sign a document each year to say I have read this and am up to date.

For the OPs child, we do not know what their behaviour is like generally, but if they had been presenting at school with falling asleep and also then saying that their parent had broken the laptop etc by throwing them out the window, then that is cause for concern.

I probably wouldn't have smashed them up though I can totally see why you would. The kids in our house turn into absolute demons sometimes because of the bloody things.

I can tell you though, I wouldn't have any problems taking and disposing of them, properly, as in forever, whether that be throwing away or selling them, if my child continually and snuggly disobeyed rules like that. It's a consequence of behaviour.

And I wouldn't be running out to buy more if I were the OP either.

I think with smaller objects like phones which they actually need you should get a safe which only you know the code to open.

Seriously though, what is your reason for thinking a child being on a screen for 48 hours until they were sick is not something you should be taking seriously?

That wasn’t OP son? Your adamant this family is in crisis aren’t you? Have you got any children yourself?

Teens will learn by themselves OP. I take care of my sister (13) and brother (9), i sometimes see her on her phone at 1AM but I will never smash it up since I know she may need it in case of an emergency such as
• Being with her friends and something happens
*• Needing a lift home from school
• Shes been hurt and I'm not near *

As for my little brother, he used to be awful with staying up on his PS4, but I let him continue until he was exhausted and couldn't ever concentrate, which he then stopped going on it at midnight and then it went down to 10PM and now he comes off at 8PM, watches a film with me and is asleep in my arms by 11PM.

Sometimes they need to take their time OP.

You need help handling your anger.

Shawshanks So well put.

I'm struggling with the fact you've destroyed stuff that costs a lot of money. I get getting angry, I have teenagers myself but fuck me!!

I don’t blame you op

So you lost it but you didn’t harm or lash out at him he is addicted to gaming and screens as many children are I have had to take the console away and left at at my mums (ds thinks it’s at work) as he just defied me over and over again and if I had smashed it I wouldn’t feel bad I had been very close to doing what you did as felt absolutely exasperated

A colleague of mine her husband smashed the PS4 after their sons had done similar they are now saving up to buy another and she felt they were addicted to gaming. He didn’t do it when he was angry he waited until the next day and invited them out to the garden to watch - they had been warned over and over again. Again I don’t blame him

Of course breaking something so costly is a waste but at times extreme actions work

A person in sound mind would not smash up a tablet and throw a games console and mobile phone out of a window

Oh please what are you suggesting the op needs sectioning

Why not look up the mac address of the phone tablet xbox etc then ban those addresses from router access.

I really don't understand why people need to resort to smashing up screens.....

DS phone and tablet are linked to my account - I control his screen time from my phone, I can literally kick him off whatever he is on and render his phone or tablet useless while he is sat beside me.

Xbox - again linked to my Microsoft account from which I can control his screen time. If that failed I'd just remove the cables.

Tv - remove the cables.

WiFi - unplug and lock away.

There are many other ways to deal with DC overusing/addicted to screens without resorting to violence and destruction!!

IMO those who smash up their DC belongings are doing so with the intent to hurt them. Why would you do that to your own DC?

Mind boggling.

Because most of our children are way more savvy than us when it comes to technology

If it can be banned I am sure it can be reinstated

This was an act of anger done out of frustration. Tell him your sorry you acted badly. That it's never acceptable to break peoples things. You have got into a battle of wills with him and he has one. He knows he has got to you. So whilst you owe him an apology you also can't give in. So don't just go buy him new devices or some other sticking plaster, apologise for your bad behaviour and establish a new set of rules. Perhaps come it as "devices are becoming an issue in this home and so there are going to be strict rules going forward" following the rules yourself might also help him, eg. We do not have devices in our bedrooms at night.

Most teenagers push their parents to behave badly/out of character once or twice as they push the boundaries and parents to their limits (and beyond them). Nobody is perfect. But if this is becoming characteristic of your relationship and you are finding your emotions harder to deal with, getting some help with anger or even just learning some basic anger management skills yourself at home could help stop things from escalating in future. A pattern of behaviour similar to this, ultimately, is abuse. But try to make this incident into a fresh start and a signifier that things need to change, not a stick to beat yourself with

Seems like your son is not allowed to do anything. You are controlling, abusive and angry at him for watching TV, being on Screens, yet you are on yours right now trying to justify your behaviour.