To smash up all DS screens

[OntheWaves40]

DS (14) has repeatedly ignored me when I’ve told him it’s lights out and removed his screens, he has sneaked downstairs for them, sneaked in to my bedroom when i’ve been in the bathroom for them, rooted through my drawers to look for them. The first night I confiscated his phone, the second his tablet and by the third his game console. I told him he would get them back on Sunday. This was Monday evening and since then I’ve caught him several times on one of them. Tonight he was on his tablet I grabbed it off him and smashed it up in front of him, then gathered his phone and console and threw them all out his bedroom window. His console is broke. His phone survived.
Now I don’t know what to do. He’s in his room and I’m in living room in shock.

The comparison with dv is fundamentally flawed.

Every form of acceptable (non violent) punishment used by a parent towards their child would be considered abusive in the context of spousal relationships.

So time out, the naughty step, confiscation of items, grounding, removal of privileges would all be unacceptable between partners but are all widely accepted as reasonable punishments towards a child.

PS I also would expect an apology from DS.

@catsandlavender I'm with you, I too would report (I work in a school too). It would make the Designated Safeguarding Lead aware of something that happened. It may or may not trigger anything further - that is the DSL's role. My role to report anything of concern, not to make a judgement.

It does not mean that my report to the DSL means that they will act on it, get SS involved, etc. Some people seem to have leaped to that!

Ok certainly a tad OTT but look at it this way; he certainly knows you mean business. He finally found out that actions have consequences. I would set out a schedule for when he is allowed a screen and the rest of the time lock them in the car and make sure he cannot access the keys. I would say to him I'm not proud of how I behaved by smashing those screens but you have to make a promise to show me you are trustworthy and respectful before I replace them.

formerbabe

I disagree

Time out -child learns to remove themselves to contemplate, we do this as adults
Grounding - prison
Removal of privileges - again prison but also work situations, loss of job, loss of vehicle, loss of phone etc for anything that is abused - it’s removed

It’s not the same as adult on adult, it’s the society which we decide to live in. We conform to enable privileges.

Bagofoldbones
it’s all relative. Run off and file reports till your hearts content but on this occasion I wouldn’t be filing anything.

Thanks but I don't need your permission to do my job.

Just as a frame of reference, it was an incident like this that caught abuse at home in one of my previous teaching positions. So I am happy to fill in reports.

Why is it "holier than thou" or "perfect parent" etc etc if you don't agree with how the OP acts?

Yes, we are all different people, with different experiences, different parenting skills and different kids too. Why not listen to what those that don't have the same issues and see if anything can be learnt?

I did ask the @OntheWaves40 if there was anything else happening at home, that might have led to this, because I can't think this has come out of the blue. The fact that she reports that previously her DS seen 48hrs online and ended up vomiting shows a serious issue, that she and her DS need help.

OP, please go to your GP and talk about how your DS is addicted to screens (not a bit of TV at breakfast, but 48hrs and vomiting). Also get help for you so you can instil boundaries, feel confident about them and your parenting choices, and have a better, calmer future for you and your DS.

A one off incident from a concerned parent with a defiant teen suffering from an addiction that put the otherwise happy child with no outward signs of abuse at no risk what so ever caught abuse in a home. Really.

B1teS1ze

I said like. but you keep implying what you like.

I hope that you never miss a case of abuse because of your inherent bias.

Inherent bias towards what?

Your inherent bias that in cases like this the child must be doing something wrong.

Wtf? Usually I'd recommend laying off the ket, this is one time doing more is a better option.

Cases like this. You mean this case, the facts of which you’d establish after speaking to the child.

It’s a 14 year old,it was a row over a notorious tricky area as regards parenting teens,it’s a child with an addiction, it’s a concerned parent, the child was in no danger, the child is otherwise healthy and happy.

It was not a 6 year old, it was not in a drunken rage, the child was not threatened or put at risk.

OP is obviously a Mum who gives a shit and has suffered a momentary loss of control when faced with the hormonal brick wall that is her DS....

My DS is 25 and still spends alot of time on games etc but I see it as his escape from responsibilities that for him are quite draining at the moment, and he is stepping up to those responsibilities.

Parenting teens is an absolute minefield these days - we're supposed to equip them for a modern world that we did not experience in our own teens, we are given advice and guidance, often conflicting from various sources, all essentially well meaning but sometimes contradictory.

Simultaneously we are supposed to respect and facilitate their growing sense of autonomy and prepare them for the big wide world, while also still being held socially and often legally for the consequences of their actions even if we have done everything "right"..... from exam results, to experimenting with alcohol / drugs to monitoring their online behaviour - we are told to create boundaries and reason with them, even though they can be wiley little critters who can play you sweetly with promises and reassurances which they will "forget" in a heartbeat when caught up in a peer group driven moment.

One must have apparently the spy skills of an MI5 operative, the diplomatic skills of a UN ambassador, the control of a practising Zen master, mastery of all vices, keep up to speed with the ongoing teenage zeitgeist which can change literally overnight, the therapeutic skill of a psychotherapist and also have to hold down the fear of their loss if things go wrong for fear of being accused of being controlling, over-protective, catastrophising etc and still be blamed if something goes horribly wrong.

Teens are not fully formed functioning adults who can be relied upon to make the right choices for themselves, nor are they children that can be purely dictated to. Modern life is now very fast paced and sometimes there just isn't time amongst all the responsibilities we face to spend hours and hours negotiating the best course of action for all concerned.

It's not easy for either side and I feel for you OP x I hope you can move forward and achieve a balance for you both. These years are not forever and sometimes the sun breaks through very suddenly when all hope seems lost - hang in there x

B1teS1ze

No I mean cases like this.

And you should know as a teacher that it is not your job to judge but to listen, record and report.

It was not a 6 year old, it was not in a drunken rage, the child was not threatened or put at risk.

Who said that it was?

It was a 14 yr old whose parent in a rage threw some of his belongings out of the window and broke them.

All that may happen with this is counselling for the (alleged) addiction, possibly counselling for the parent and child relationship. How would that be a bad thing?

@B1teS1ze this is what I don’t get. You keep arguing with us who say we would report this yet you keep saying the child has an addiction. Pick one because I can’t see why you would think that alone wasn’t a reason to report a concern.

As pp have said you went ott do you need to apologise and fess up to him.

I suggest that you use that conversation to start afresh. He's 14, not a baby. Try a real Conversation where you actually listen and let him talk. Start out by asking him why he thinks you are so passionate about restricting his screen time. Listen, really listen to what he says. Take your turn to explain why you care. Move onto what he thinks might be reasonable in terms of re-balancing his screen, human and school time. Negotiate something acceptable to you both with an agreed review period with the right on both sides to vary and adjust it if it's not working. Keep it calm. Try to imagine you are talking to a fellow adult and don't interrupt.

As a parent you need to be in control and should be the wiser one. it takes time to earn respect. I'm my experience it's so important to keep conversation open at this age and to move carefully and gradually to an adult to adult relationship. Showing your vulnerability a bit is a good way to start that.

Good luck

😂😂😂😂the parent and child would not get counselling for a one off incident like this. Kids up and down the land are struggling with screen addiction, hell kids who are self harming don’t get counselling. Why on earth would a clearly engaged parent who snapped under duress and threw a couple of pieces of tech out the window get it instead?

You’d need to report two thirds of your average teen class if you were going to report screen addiction as a safeguarding concern.

No it’s left to parents to deal with , with zero support or advice.

I'll just add to this, that in the context of one horrific domestic abuse incident, my ex boyfriend cracked my laptop over his knee and threw my phone down the stairs, before he assaulted me physically. Among the charges was one of Criminal Damage.

I feel your pain there. People are very insistent that a parent losing control and smashing their teenager's stuff isn't the same - so how do you teach these teenagers not to turn into the men who lose control and destroy their girlfriends' tech? There are some adults who clearly feel entitled to smash up their boyfriends'/girlfriends' stuff, why do they think this is acceptable behaviour?

@B1teS1ze not sure where I said I expect it to end in counselling. But sure, go ahead and ignore a child who is in your care and struggling with what you call an addiction! I actually don’t think you have a reason for your argument beyond “well nothing would happen!” So what? Does not mean you ignore a child who needs help. That’s literally not how it works when you’re a teacher.

catsandlavender

It was me that said counselling, and I said may happen not would happen. but B1teS1ze is adamant that she is correct.

Whereas we would rather be report and be wrong, than not report and be wrong.

Fripp exactly - I’d rather report something and even be straight up shot down for it than think “oh it’s probably nothing” and miss something. Like a PP said, it’s not our job to make the judgement about whether to take it further.

I just don’t understand how you could work in a school and have the info on this thread and think that there was nothing you should be doing about it. That you should just ignore it because you don’t think anything will happen. It’s madness.

50% of teens feel they’re addicted to their phones. Hoards of teens are under achieving as freely admit they spend to much time on games instead of working even though it has an impact on their future.

I take it all these children are supported in your school.

I’m impressed re all these reports of stressed parents of teens in your school.

I was frustrated last night and shouted at one of my teens over another matter, ended up banging the bin lid over and again in frustration. Might encourage my teen to report me, would love some advice and support.