My 11 year old son upset a woman by standing up to her.

[Ginette74]

At a bouncy castle holiday activity, in a local community centre, my son overheard a woman saying loudly that his brother, and his friend, who both happen to have special educational needs, were idiots and bad children. My 11 year old challenged her, saying not to be unkind, and the women became very angry with me. She said my son was cheeky and rude, and did I have no control over him! I have always taught my son to be brave and stand up for his friends and what is right. I've never taught him that it is wrong to stand up to adults, but this situation hasn't occurred before. I'm I being unreasonable to tell my son that adults are not always right and you are not wrong to challenge them.

Did you stand up to her. OP?

"sometimes when they are goaded verbally by other children they might respond physically (with a wallop), of course I will always address this if it happens."

No you don't always address it because you are not always supervising.

You know that your child can get physically aggressive with other children so you should supervise him FFS.

Perhaps minimal supervision from the staff - who don't know the children and are unlikely to have knowledge or experience of SEND - would be sufficient for children with no SEND or behavioural difficulties. Not for your child, though.

I don't think anyone has particularly covered themselves in glory here; you for failing to supervise, your youngest for behaving badly, and the woman for being rude about him. Your oldest was in theory right for challenging her rudeness but tbh I agree with the PP who said that a child should talk to an adult and leave it to them to deal with.

Sounds like you're raising a good lad!

Exactly @gingersausage . And parenting should be adjusted accordingly 👏

Activity in a community centre NOT a soft play centre.

I’ve been to at least 3, usually churchy type, events/activities where parents were fed coffee and biscuits whilst (usually) volunteers entertain and contain the children.

Hmmmm, so you didn’t witness any of these incidents. And you know that your children often give a wallop when verbally provoked.

How are you always on top of that if you aren’t watching?

While I get the need for you to relax AND for your children to have their needs met it is entirely unfair to ask a crowd of strangers at soft play to provide this for you if you aren’t going to supervise.

The woman who was talking about your child had no idea they were SN. All they saw was a child being unkind to other children.

This thread has already descended into people advocating that disability isn't a free pass to behave badly, next it will be parents with SN children who don't let their kids behave like that and then the Chinese whispers will escalate to the point where op's dc pulled a knife on the woman who called her son as idiot.

I would have the thread pulled op, as I think no good will come of it. Maybe re-post in SN where people understand?

I don't much care about the woman who called a child an idiot - that is rude and she should deal with her feelings in a more grown up manner. However, just watch that your older dc doesn't get too defensive of his younger brother, as that can become a burden (I know for experience). I have taught my kids to ignore bad comments and not to engage and it makes for a much more peaceful life.

PinkyU

That is beside the point. OP knows her children have the potential to wallop (her words) if provoked. They need extra supervision. This is not the child’s fault but the adults.

If your dc has SN, then common sense should tell you that you need to supervise your DC, not choose the lazy parenting route by leaving some young inexperienced play gym worker to do your job.

@gingersausage nice!

@gingersausage You're really rude. Take the weekend to chill out.

@JRUIN @gingersauce Judging by some of the comments on this thread, there's a lack of understanding of families with a child with SEN. No, children shouldn't be unsupervised in certain situations, but people can be really judgemental. Why have had I had to support so many mums otherwise? Really sad to hear you both be really sarky and passive aggressive.

But in my view the whole session would have worked much better if all the parents had stayed in the café and left supervision to the staff.

An alternative view point might be to supervise/watch children more closely, particularly if they have any form of behavioural difficulty.

They were no worst than the other children, the only thing is that sometimes when they are goaded verbally by other children they might respond physically (with a wallop), of course I will always address this if it happens.

But how would you know if they'd done that if you were in the cafe? Play centre supervisors are rarely able to watch all children closely at all times, esp if a session is really busy. I think that if your children are prone to walloping other children when provoked, then you should be keeping them under close supervision.

I understand that it must be hard to have a child with SEN, but I also understand that this doesn't absolve the parents of responsibility, quite the opposite in fact. Surely if you know your child is prone to lashing out you take extra special care to watch him don't you? For his and his siblings sake as well as other childrens. And please show me where I have been sarky and passive aggressive?

If their SEN is not apparent to the casual observer, their behaviour was clearly pretty bad and she said it as she saw it.

How sad that so many people on this thread are desperate to blame the disabled child, not the offensive adult. As has been pointed out, there is no "clearly" about it: often children with SEN call for this sort of unpleasant reaction just by virtue of behaving slightly differently.

There were multiple complaints about their behaviour?

As the parent of a kid with ASD, please tell your son thanks from me. I sincerely hope that if people were treating my son like that, someone nearby would be decent enough to stand up for him.

You've raised a good kid.

@JRUIN In my post, I did not say parents of children with SEN should be absolved of parental responsibility, because I don't believe that. I did not say that parents of children with SEN are always in the right. I just suggested there is a massive lack of understanding and a lot of judgement. A lot of comments on the thread illustrated that. I support some those parents, they are the ones who tell me their stories. It literally breaks their hearts and wears them down. Maybe it's social media, but on first read your tone was different, so I apologise you Werent sarky or passive agressive. I think this week we can all understand that more tolerance, and less judgement will benefit us all.

you want to be awarding him not telling him off

as a parent to 2 kid with complex disabilities each ive been through this many times over the last 15 years,ever more when my oldest was younger

i also get/got that people thought/think they are much older because of size and expect them to behave better(kids have been massive since birth)

there are still so many ignorant adults around when it come to hidden disabilities so good on him for calling her out

you should have congratulated him in front off her,that would have shut her judgmental attitude down especially if one of hers was doing the goading

I have no doubt @CallmeBadJanet that sadly you do face a lot of judgement and a lack of understanding, but in this case none of us can really judge as none of us, including OP knows what really happened to make the other parent react in such a way. Also as OP wasn't around to explain said parent probably had no idea that her DS had SN, otherwise she would probably have been more tolerant. Also apology accepted

18:29PinkyU

@Forcryingoutloudwtf so her child is called names by another child, has a “squabble”, is then name called by an adult, yet she’s to apologise AND disclose private medical information about her son to a complete stranger who’s just insulted her child?

Are you huffing gas?!

No, I wouldn't disclose the medical information but that is because I wouldn't use it as an excuse for their behaviour. If she wants other people to excuse her child's behaviour because of their SEN then she needs to tell them of the SEN. I would expect my child to not hurt other children and if they couldn't not hurt other children for whatever reason I would supervise them closely and step in when needed. If I failed to do so in would apologise. If I didn't feel their behaviour had been poor I would take them away from the situation. I would not argue with someone about it and I would not encourage my other child to be rude to adults.

One of my twins has a short fuse and can get shirty in highly stimulating situations.
He would never ‘wallop’ someone but might barge past/shout insults/snatch things.

I know this about him so would not leave him to be watched by staff in a soft play.
It’s tiresome for us both but a consequence of his behaviour is that he has to stay where I can see him and not run wild until he can cope better.

YABU to leave a child who might struggle unattended by you at half term in a stimulating environment.

The other mother might have been a horrible human being who treats DC with SEN like they’re contagious.
But we will never know because you weren’t there.

I don't know the wrongs and rights of this situation but fair play to your son for standing up for his brother.

Ah you're son is good in. Well done. I was skeptical about what this was going to say as sometimes kids can be obnoxious but he was totally right.