My 11 year old son upset a woman by standing up to her.

[Ginette74]

At a bouncy castle holiday activity, in a local community centre, my son overheard a woman saying loudly that his brother, and his friend, who both happen to have special educational needs, were idiots and bad children. My 11 year old challenged her, saying not to be unkind, and the women became very angry with me. She said my son was cheeky and rude, and did I have no control over him! I have always taught my son to be brave and stand up for his friends and what is right. I've never taught him that it is wrong to stand up to adults, but this situation hasn't occurred before. I'm I being unreasonable to tell my son that adults are not always right and you are not wrong to challenge them.

The op does not say her son hit anyone, she says he CAN hit if frustrated and IF he does she deals with it.

OP says her son had a squabble with another child after an episode of name calling, NOT her child overtly misbehaving.

OP says the set up of this activity is that parents typically do NOT supervise, staff do.

It sounds like your children probably were behaving like idiots (although it’s not a word I’d use) but I can see how it would be frustrating for other parents if there are kids continually misbehaving and the mother is sat having a coffee and not chastising her kids - also she isn’t to know they have learning difficulties.
She didn’t announce it to the room, your ds overheard her and then took it upon himself to chastise her! Yes, I’d be pissed off too and probably think he was cheeky little upstart (with an entitled mother).

I’m so glad my days of ‘soft play parent battles’ are over with!

Oh that is BS

Like heck this happened

Your son definitely has a right to challenge adults (though there may be some situations where this is inadvisable due to dangers) and I hope we have moved on from the time when it was seen as automatically wrong for children to 'contradict grownups'. As regards the details of the case, I think a lot depends on whether the woman realized that your other son and his friend had special needs, or whether she just regarded them as typical children who were misbehaving,

As a parent of a child with sen it breaks my heart to hear anyone talk like that even about there own offspring so yanbu good lad

Some of you seem to be suggesting that the sheer fact that people complained about the op’s you get son simply must mean that her little boys behaviour was awful. No, some adults are just ignorant arseholes.

The OP says herself that her kids were getting physical with other kids.

off topic pinky but what's stimming?

What sticks out though is that your children respond with a “wallop” when verbally goaded by other children.

I think that rather than be floundering around looking for a positive OP, you need to take a long hard look at your children’s behaviour

@MashedPotatoBrainz where does she say that?

ignore me, took all of a 3 second google to find out what stimming is

As an adult sister to a severely mentally disabled adult, I say good on your son for standing up for his brother and his friend. There is a learning opportunity in terms of discussion about how to address adults and other children who are being unkind appropriately, but your elder son is likely to have a lifetime of self righteous people being unkind about his brother and you shouldn't underestimate how difficult that is emotionally for him. Sadly, children are often way more accepting than many adults and it is the adults who presume they have the right to judge and be cruel. I make no apologies for such intolerant people receiving the sharp end of my tounge if they are unkind to a disabled person.

I mean, seriously

They were no worst than the other children, the only thing is that sometimes when they are goaded verbally by other children they might respond physically (with a wallop)

Responding with a wallop when a child is older than a toddler is concerning

It's very dangerous to tell children that adults are always right and should never be challenged.

@vikkimoog stimming is self stimulatory behaviour.

It usually manifests in repetitive movements or vocalisations, like flapping your hands, spinning, Jumping, repeating a sound or word.

For many people with a developmental condition, like autism, it’s a form of soothing themselves in stressful situations, but can also be a form of communication or expression of emotions.

OP says the set up of this activity is that parents typically do NOT supervise, staff do.

The OP also says her child sometimes responds physically with a 'wallop'.

So why did she think it was a good idea to sit and chill out in the cafe, leaving 3 kids doing a highly charged/excitable activity, when 2 of them have SEN (her words) and one wasn't even her own child? Do you not think that's a bit much for staff to cope with?

And then to say....

But in my view the whole session would have worked much better if all the parents had stayed in the café and left supervision to the staff. Children do squabble sometimes, but if you let them they can also resolve their own situations, and they will get valuable learning from this too.

What valuable lesson do you think would be learned here by the 'walloper' or the 'wallopee'?

They were no worst than the other children, the only thing is that sometimes when they are goaded verbally by other children they might respond physically (with a wallop), of course I will always address this if it happens.

How will you know it happens if you're sitting elsewhere drinking coffee instead of watching your child? I would love to hear the other parent's side of the story because I am getting the distinct impression that it would be very different than yours.

So your child was physically aggressive, the woman called him out and he was cheeky to her in return?
Sounds like your kids are very poorly behaved and you make excuses for them OP. I think YABVU

@Bringringbring it’s really not when a child has an additional need. A lot of children with ASN can find sophisticated conflict resolution difficult and may resort to non verbal ways of getting their pint across.

The op also states that IF that situation happens that she deals with it.

Perhaps some reading up on how atypical development affects others would be helpful.

@drinkygin where does it say that the op’s son was aggressive?

An adult calling a child “idiot” is way out of line. She shouldn’t speak like that, no matter the provocation. Kids lose golden time at our school for using that word.

Having said that, IME it is best to teach an older child to look for an adult to intervene, rather than to say anything themselves. A couple of years older, my son nearly had a knife pulled on him when he remonstrated with an adult mocking his younger sister. Fortunately she realised what the jerk was about to do, and they both ran.

If you know he hits why are you not supervising?

I would have just said 'sorry about their behaviour, they have (whatever special needs they have)' because I have manners.

Your son is a star. The woman was out of order.

@PinkyU when she said he wallops other children (although of COURSE he’s provoked 🙄)

Hard to comment in this particular incident OP, but really if someone has a child who is prone to hitting then you should be supervising, not sitting out of view in a cafe. How do you address the hitting if you can’t see when it’s happening?