My 11 year old son upset a woman by standing up to her.

[Ginette74]

At a bouncy castle holiday activity, in a local community centre, my son overheard a woman saying loudly that his brother, and his friend, who both happen to have special educational needs, were idiots and bad children. My 11 year old challenged her, saying not to be unkind, and the women became very angry with me. She said my son was cheeky and rude, and did I have no control over him! I have always taught my son to be brave and stand up for his friends and what is right. I've never taught him that it is wrong to stand up to adults, but this situation hasn't occurred before. I'm I being unreasonable to tell my son that adults are not always right and you are not wrong to challenge them.

The session is supervised by staff, the op was not required to be there.

In much the same way as op probably doesn’t supervise him at school when he’s being supervised by staff also.

is that sometimes when they are goaded verbally by other children they might respond physically (with a wallop)

Is what the op says, not that they hit anyone

Ime some children do done in on children with sn and do goad them

Children can be very good at picking up on children who have sn. Like a pp says some are lovely and inclusive and some aren't

Depends what your children were doing. I was extremely annoyed when an older (looked around 7-8) boy was intimidating my 4 year old dd to the point where she wouldn’t go on the bouncy castle. I saw that each time she tried to go on he made a beeline for her and tried to jump right next to her or push her. Parent standing around couldn’t care less. Appreciate he may have had special needs but if so then he should have had close supervision.

*do home in on children with sn and goad them

So you didn't actually see any of the details of it? Not BU to explain to your son that adults are not always right, if you are also explaining that he isn't either. It does sound pretty apparent the kids behaviour was poor and I highly doubt all of this went down exactly as described.

It's just one of those sanctimonious threads isn't it, where OP is looking for everyone to go YANBU OP good for you! good for him! you should be so proud. Nobody here knows what even happened so the comments along those lines that you are replying to with thanks OP, have no more worth than the ones querying it.

@drinkygin OP said he CAN hit if frustrated NOT that he did hit in this situation, you’ve pulled that out your arse.

Can you explain how op “deals with it” when she’s out of sight in a cafe when “it’s” happening, PinkyU? You keep admonishing posters who suggest op wasn’t in complete control of the situation, for some reason.
Even op hasn’t expanded on that comment (perhaps wisely).

If it was soft play, it is very unusual for the staff to supervise and the parents to sit in the cafe. What is more usual is there are a few members of staff floating around to check nothing major happens and the kids play in the structure by themselves. However, there are invariably arguments and poor behaviour from some kids. If you have kids with SN as I do, I always supervise myself. Take out your argument that he was standing up for someone with SN, you actually have a kid being rude to an adult who wasn't happy with their behaviour. Given that you weren't there as you were sitting in the cafe, I am not sure how you can be so sure she was wrong. I would be teaching your kids to come to you if they have a problem with someone else as that would have avoided this whole issue.

Soooooo many unreasonable “adults” out there and on here, who don’t have a clue what SEN is and what life is like for a family of a child with SEND. Don’t need to hear “the other side”, your son was sticking up for his brother. Your kid is a Legend. Tell him.

I remember my aunt once phoning me (I wasn't a little kid, maybe 15) to tell me how awful my mum was etc.. She really put her down and was very mean.

I told her that my mum didn't like her (as she already knew) and I had always reserved judgement and that my mum had always said never to judge her on my mum's opinions but to form my own judgements. I told her I thought she was wrong to be mean about a parent to a child, rather than go direct to the person she had an issue with. I told her I could now see why my mum didn't like her that much.

She has not spoken to me since! (30 years)!

@Forcryingoutloudwtf so her child is called names by another child, has a “squabble”, is then name called by an adult, yet she’s to apologise AND disclose private medical information about her son to a complete stranger who’s just insulted her child?

Are you huffing gas?!

I just think that if there’s a risk of your child “walloping” someone, for whatever reason, then you should generally stay close.
And the level of supervision at these places isn’t like school.

Also that fact that your kid wallops others when 'goaded' means that annoying as it might be you need to be there to ensure this doesn't happen. I have been through this with dd who pinches. I stay close by to make sure she doesn't hurt anyone.

Absolutely agree with this
...in general I disagree that it’s a good idea to actively teach kids to pull strangers up on their behaviour in settings like the one described in the OP - by doing that you’re encouraging a child to expose themselves to an unknown risk from the adult who is already behaving badly. Far better for the child to bring it to the attention of the adult they are with and let that adult deal with it on a peer to peer basis IMO.
Children are not always the best judge of what is going on, particularly if they have a loyalty to one side of a disagreement

Was it really the job of the staff to supervise and intervene re.bad behaviour?
If not, who is there making sure the children behave appropriately?
Surely they are there to supervise the activity and not sort out issues between children.
This would leave the staff vulnerable to all sorts of accusations from parents.
They aren't there to act as parents and mediators while the parents go for coffee.
I think you should have been supervising.
And I think you have your 11year olds side if the story.

Him standing up for his brother is one thing. Bit presumably he isn't that great at reading nuance here?

This is the complete opposite of Mose soft play posts on here where parents complain about other parents not supervising. The OP is complaining that they are supervising! The whole fiasco was your fault really OP, you should have been supervising your kids. They have SN and need you around, you put them and their brother in an unfortunate position here.

I’d be so proud of him for doing that! Standing up to ignorant people. I have toe with additional needs and other people’s opinions can hurt!

adj1151 sorry to hear about your toe. Hope it gets all the additional support it needs

My GS has SN which means when over stimulated or feels threatened or anxious he can lash out. I would never ever leave him unsupervised with random staff that dont know him or his triggers at a busy soft play of all places where kids are running around all excited and noisy. I wouldn't put my GS through that without me or his mum there to help him or other children that might get hurt. Only his school teachers are the only ones that would understand when he was heading for a meltdown. Please dont put your child or any other children in this situation again. It's not fair on both parties

adj why is it ignorant to comment on two poorly behaved children?
Do you think that children with SEN should be able to behave exactly as they like and no one should comment?

@CallmeBadJanet what a load of crap. Lots of us know exactly what it’s like to have a child with additional needs, and also know that close supervision is necessary so that situations like this don’t arise in the first place.

“Children do squabble sometimes but if you let them they can also resolve their own situations”. I have heard that from parents a few times, usually from a parent of a child attacking my son for no reason while my son freezes and cries.

If children are left to sort out their own squabbles then they just learn that the strongest wins. They need adults to intervene and role model how to manage conflict.

This is no comment on your situation OP, I wasn’t there, but you are totally wrong to say children should sort it out. Obviously your son is not shy or timid, but many children are, and they need adult support and often physical protection.

If someone mugged you I wouldn’t tell you to ‘sort it out’ and not bother the police 🤨

pinky I appreciate that this is a sensitive subject for you by comparing this situation to one with your child you are really not comparing like to like. If a person was commenting unkindly on your child it would indeed be admirable for a sibling to defend her, however in this case it seems highly likely that the children were behaving poorly according to most people’s values and perhaps assaulting other children.

@Bringringbring it’s really not when a child has an additional need. A lot of children with ASN can find sophisticated conflict resolution difficult and may resort to non verbal ways of getting their pint across.

The op also states that IF that situation happens that she deals with it.

Perhaps some reading up on how atypical development affects others would be helpful.

If my child is walloped in a soft play area for verbally goading another child, let’s just imagine the goading was a along the lines of a childish “you’re as a slow as a snail when you climb!” - I wouldn’t give a flying fig whether the child had this that or another.

Soooooo many unreasonable “adults” out there and on here, who don’t have a clue what SEN is and what life is like for a family of a child with SEND. Don’t need to hear “the other side”, your son was sticking up for his brother. Your kid is a Legend. Tell him.

Of course the other side needs to be heard. Just because a child has SEN does not mean that that child, his siblings and his parents are always in the right