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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to consider smacking 2 year old?

145 replies

kayakingmum · 20/02/2020 15:34

So far I have never smacked her, however a couple of days ago she bit my 8 month old son so hard through his trousers she broke the skin and caused a nasty bruise. I left the room with him (leaving her on her own which she hated). I was angry with her for about half an hour. Showed her what she did. Told her to say sorry. Her nursery teacher has had a quiet word with her as well.
The next day she pulled his hair very very hard so he really cried. Again I was angry with her. I have said if she ever really hurts DS again she will get a hard smack on the back of the hand.
She hasn't hurt him badly again (just stuff like sitting on him).

If you think my idea is unreasonable please give me an alternative strategy. I'm not sure what else to do. She gets loads of love and attention. Thanks.

OP posts:

DontTouchTheMoustache · 20/02/2020 15:37

Sorry op i know it must be really hard but hitting her will only make her think violence is acceptable

Lazymorningsareover · 20/02/2020 15:37

Imo yabvu.

Biting can be a common problem at this age and it's understandable when she has a baby brother.

Just don't leave her with him fgs, I wouldn't leave a 2 year old with a baby anyway. My dh put a coin in his baby sisters mouth when she was a baby.

onionface · 20/02/2020 15:38

Two year olds copy their parents. She's more likely to hurt the baby when it isn't doing what she wants if she learns that from you. Model good behaviour, not violence.

Lottapianos · 20/02/2020 15:38

Shes 2. Shes not capable of understanding how much these things hurt, or of understanding the consequences of what she does. Do not smack her. You're telling her off for hurting others, but planning on hurting her yourself. Just don't

If she bites / hits others, pick her up and move her away, and give the other child a big hug and lots of attention. Then move on. Repeat as often as you need to

WinterCat · 20/02/2020 15:39

please give me an alternative strategy

A parenting course and another one for your tempter.

LovingLola · 20/02/2020 15:39

So hitting her to teach her that hurting someone else is wrong is your plan?

NotYourHun · 20/02/2020 15:39

By smacking her, you would just be teaching her that if someone does something you don’t like, you should hit them. Which is surely the opposite message you should be sending. It sounds like she might be jealous or frustrated so getting angry isn’t going to help. It will just look to her like you are favouring her brother, which is going to make the problem worse.

roarfeckingroar · 20/02/2020 15:40

You want to hit a baby, take a look at yourself.

Lordfrontpaw · 20/02/2020 15:40

I wouldn’t - but I really don’t think hitting is a good thing to do. If remove her from the situation and give her time away. She will learn that there are consequences to behaviour.

ShowOfHands · 20/02/2020 15:41

Thoroughly unreasonable. And you can't teach a tiny child not to be violent by being violent.

Model good behaviour, don't leave them alone, help her learn to love her new role as big sister. It's hard work and takes time but you're teaching her the rules of the world, not punishing her for being born not knowing it all already.

TheDailyCarbuncle · 20/02/2020 15:41

I know you're stressed, but surely you can see how mad it is to teach a child not to hurt someone by hurting her?

It's really common for small children to hurt a new sibling. She'll probably just grow out if it (and be mortified when you bring it up when she's a teen!) but in the meantime you'll have to keep a very close eye on her and not give her the opportunity to hurt him. If you can it might also be worth including her in things as much as possible, like asking her to help bathe him (watching very closely of course for any signs she might kick off) and helping to choose his clothes. She's clearly jealous and need to learn how he fits in with everything.

UndertheCedartree · 20/02/2020 15:42

You are considering smacking a very young toddler who will have no idea why. DC learn by copying their parents - all you will teach her is that it is ok to hurt those smaller than us. The most aggressive DC I have ever known are those hit by their parents. The alternative is to talk to her about being gentle and show her how to be gentle. It isn't a quick fix, though - it takes persistance. Aside from that you need to supervise her very closely to try and prevent her hurting your baby. Is it really going to make you feel better the baby got hurt by hurting your tiny toddler, yourself?

Kittykat93 · 20/02/2020 15:43

Jesus op she's 2. And what is your logic exactly? Teach her not to be violent by... Being violent towards her. The mind boggles.

Tink88 · 20/02/2020 15:43

Oh yes smacking her sounds great. Punish a 2 year old exploring the world with violence by an adult.

Waffles80 · 20/02/2020 15:43

I think the OP is extremely distressed and at the end of her tether. Those who’ve calmly explained why it’s not a great idea are being helpful, those who are frothing at the mouth and suggesting parenting courses, FGS, be supportive and stop with your nonsense.

Lordfrontpaw · 20/02/2020 15:43

The OP is probably beside herself worrying that the toddler will really hurt the baby given an opportunity - she is most likely scared of what could happen if this isn’t nipped in the bud.

The toddler is probably jealous of the baby.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 20/02/2020 15:44

I don't get this - you want her to learn not to hurt people, so you think the answer to that is to hurt her? Makes no sense to me so i don't see how it could possibly make sense to a toddler.

If she doesn't like being left alone then surely the best punishment is time out? Pick the other kid up, big cuddles lots of fuss, put her in a time out for 3 minutes and make her stay there.

Don't hit your toddler. Can't believe that still needs to be said in 2020.

LanguageAsAFlower · 20/02/2020 15:44

I don't think it is as simple as don't leave the 2 year old with the baby unfortunately. 2 year olds are quick little things when they want to be. I don't "leave" my two year old with my kittens but I still end up negotiating him being rough with them now and again.

Op, it must be really hard when it's your newborn/small baby that the two year old is hurting. I get upset enough when it is the cats. But hitting is SO not the answer. I give an emphatic no, move him away and when he is calm show him how to touch gently. I mean it's only vaguely working, so maybe someone who knows something better will come along.

But you can't hit a child that's not solving anything.

hopefulhalf · 20/02/2020 15:45

I don't know what the answer is, we didnt smack ours ( much to MIL's horror). Ds was a terrible biter. All I can say is they do grow out of it, they don't understand at 2, you really can't leave them alone together even for a moment.

EmeraldShamrock · 20/02/2020 15:45

No it is not okay. The naughty step is very effective at her age, show her you mean business without smacking. It is a difficult age.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 20/02/2020 15:45

It is well documented that physical chastisement does not lead to improved behaviour, so even if you weren't morally wrong to hit your child (which you are) it would still be pointless. Deliberately hurting a child to teach them that deliberately hurting others is wrong is just utterly nonsensical. Many children of this age go through a biting phase, it's not developmentally abnormal.

Alternative strategies: don't leave a 2yo and a baby alone for a start. At 2 they are barely even able to understand the concept of consequences so I would just keep repeating a firm "no, we don't bite/hit/pull hair etc" until they get the message.

bluebeau · 20/02/2020 15:46

op you are going to get a lot of holier than thou people on this.

basically, do what u feel is right. best thing my mom ever did was give me a slap.

it may just be a faze for your 2yr old but honestly just do what u feel is necessary . hope it works itself out

TwitcherOfCurtains · 20/02/2020 15:47

Do you not think it likely that she's having issues accepting her new brother? She's only tiny, it must be a huge change to her life.

Don't ever hit your child, especially a baby. It shows that you have no idea what you're doing and have lost control, it's extremely shit parenting.

Have you thought of contacting your health visitor for advice? You'd probably benefit from a parenting class.

RaspberryBubblegum · 20/02/2020 15:47

Don't leave the baby with her. You're asking for problems. Spend the next few days constantly talking about being kind. Has she seen Daniel Tiger? It's on Netflix and YouTube.
It's so irritating and has terrible non rhyming songs but my DD loves it, and often copies the show in response to her baby brother.
Part way through the show Daniel tiger has a baby sister and it shows a lot of problems older children get with younger siblings, and how to deal with them.
Good luck I know it's tough when they're both young

EmeraldShamrock · 20/02/2020 15:47

My brother use to bite DC, my DM gave him a hard bite back and he stopped. This was in the late 70's.

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