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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider smacking 2 year old?

145 replies

kayakingmum · 20/02/2020 15:34

So far I have never smacked her, however a couple of days ago she bit my 8 month old son so hard through his trousers she broke the skin and caused a nasty bruise. I left the room with him (leaving her on her own which she hated). I was angry with her for about half an hour. Showed her what she did. Told her to say sorry. Her nursery teacher has had a quiet word with her as well.
The next day she pulled his hair very very hard so he really cried. Again I was angry with her. I have said if she ever really hurts DS again she will get a hard smack on the back of the hand.
She hasn't hurt him badly again (just stuff like sitting on him).

If you think my idea is unreasonable please give me an alternative strategy. I'm not sure what else to do. She gets loads of love and attention. Thanks.

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 20/02/2020 16:17

Sounds like you're at the end of your tether OP. I wouldn't because it won't work and it easy to lose control.

Lots of attention to the baby and try and ignore her/walk away.

Ds was a biter and believe me it was not through lack of supervision, if he wanted to do it ,he did!

She's doing it because she's frustrated and can't voice her frustrations. If you try and look at it like that rather than her deliberately trying to hurt her sibling it's easier to cope with.

ASmallMovie · 20/02/2020 16:17

Please don't smack a 2-year-old. It's so wrong.

I know it's really really hard and frustrating - parenting a toddler and a newborn.

It's never too young to teach empathy. Could you, in age-appropriate way, explain that she is really hurting baby when she hits, bites etc. And how would she feel if a bigger boy/girl came and bit/hit her etc? I know she's quite young for getting it, but you could role play it with teddies and I honestly think teaching empathy is key.

Best of luck.

Lordfrontpaw · 20/02/2020 16:19

I never hit my child when he was little - but (no brag) he was a very well behaved and sweet natured wee soul. If he was attacking a baby - I don’t know what I would have done honestly - I’d be scared for the tiny baby.

I think reward and punishments - bad behaviour and the child is removed from the situation and out somewhere safe and ignored (toddlers can’t stand that) and if they are being kind and gently then they get their sticker or jelly tot and most of praise.

Jealousy probably is an element there. So big up the big sister!

“Will you teach him to ride a scooter when he is bigger? What a good big sister you are - aren’t you nice to your baby brother! Can you sing him a song? Oh he loves that! Isn’t he lucky to have a big sister like you to look out for him? When he is a big boy he will look out for you too! When I was little your aunty Jane and I used to have so much fun playing!...”

The cutest think I ever used to see was a boy in about year 6 or 7 when his nanny used to pick him up from school with his baby sister in the pram and little toddler brother. He used to rush out, hug his brother then scoop the baby out of the pram and jiggle her around and show his friend his sister. I’ve never seen a child so besotted with siblings (my older siblings used to try to loose me in the park, force feed me blossom, and lock me in the wardrobes).

So yes - older siblings being ratbags is perfectly normal...

MintyMabel · 20/02/2020 16:19

Tough one to deal with but you just need to keep reaffirming it. Ramp up the consequences. But also work on the triggers, there's a reason she is doing it, try to get to the bottom of that.

Agree that respirating to violence isn't a solution.

DrManhattan · 20/02/2020 16:21

Omg really. This has to be a joke. Who hits a baby???

OhCaptain · 20/02/2020 16:21

It feels weird to have to say it but - no. Don't hit a baby. Confused

Original poster
kayakingmum · 20/02/2020 16:22

That is a lot of responses in a short period of time. I have not hit her. I was only considering it as an alternative strategy. Both instances happened when my DS was on my lap.
There is a difference between smacking in temper and using it as a strategy. I hope she stops. I'll carry on doing what I'm doing and just leaving the room with him. I hope that's enough.

OP posts:
Bagofoldbones · 20/02/2020 16:23

I actually just cannot not imagine smacking a two year old. For any reason. It’s really fucking awful and if it’s your last resort - start looking at other ways. Google has millions of sites showing you different ways to discipline children.

My mum used to smack me. I’ve never had to smack any of my three kids and they are all lovely. Why would I ever want to hurt them? It’s just incomprehensible

CarolineIngalls · 20/02/2020 16:23

You are getting a hard time. I am a behavioural psychologist and generally an even tempered parent.

The angriest I have ever been was when my 2 year old hurt the baby. The protective urge for the baby seemed to get in the way of parenting the toddler.

I did hit him, the only time I ever did. He pointed his finger at me and said "Mommy, hitting is wrong." I totally lost the moral high ground and it didn't solve the problem. Hitting kids doesn't teach the behaviour we want to see.

Preventing the behaviour solved the problem. Don't leave them alone together.

Mine are nearly men now, and don't bite each other anymore Smile

scrivette · 20/02/2020 16:23

2 year olds are hard work aren't they!

I agree, don't smack her but would she understand if you spoke to her about it and how she would feel if she was bitten or hurt?

My 2 year old sort of understands but partly because she was bitten at nursery so I remind her of that when she goes to bite.

If she does it again you will just have to keep repeating, we don't hurt, we don't bite etc.

It's probably just (another!) phase.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 20/02/2020 16:24

Both instances happened when my DS was on my lap she's feeling jealous by the sounds of it.

Daftodil · 20/02/2020 16:24

One more suggestion... does your DD have a baby dolly? If not, perhaps get her one and then she can practice holding, stroking, burping, feeding her "baby" nicely when you are doing the same with your DS. Get her involved "shall we feed our babies? Oh, you're doing a really good job, praise, praise, praise.."

IJustCantDeal · 20/02/2020 16:25

Get to her height say no that’s wrong and put her on the naughty step/corner for 2 minutes if she moves start the time again. At the end of the two minutes explain why you put her there, tell her you love her and get her to apologise then give her a hug and let her carry on.

NEVER hit a child!

lemonysnickett88 · 20/02/2020 16:26

YANBU to consider it, but perhaps to do it. I don't think it will help and it will weaken your relationship with her, which is likely currently struggling due to the new baby. Not your fault, but jealousy is normal. My then 2yo put a blanket over her baby brother's face. I'd consider doing some lovebombing if you can, so she knows she's still special to you.

VisionQuest · 20/02/2020 16:27

Please, a two year old is not a baby!

Bagofoldbones · 20/02/2020 16:28

Kayak there is lots of things you can do - you don’t have to leave the room with him as that’s showing her she’s own her own. You and baby - her on her own. That must be an awful feeling.

Watch her. Watch her movements around him, if she is getting upset with something distract her with some thing fun. Have both of them say in your knee cuddling.

If she hurts him don’t show anger, show her a sad face and ask her to cuddle him better. Tell her it makes him feel sad. Try and bring your anger down and model behaviours such has love and tender touching.

She is just looking for attention - good or bad you blowing up and leaving the room is just allowing her harbour negative feelings.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/02/2020 16:29

Oh yes tell her physical violence is bad by using physical violence good plan

VisionQuest · 20/02/2020 16:30

OP there is a thread running at the moment about whether people were smacked as children and if they forgive their parents. There are some very interesting replies on there!

Skysblue · 20/02/2020 16:30

Smacking will not work. It will just make her do it more.

The only way to make a child change behaviour is to make them genuinely regret it very soon after the behaviour occurred (ideally immediately). Whether that’s with a time out, or loss of a privilege, or whatever works apart from smacking.

When mine did anything majorly wrong I told him off and off very firmly “NOT ok!” etc etc until he got upset and began to regret the behaviour. Worked for us but he did also have a lot of positive attention from me as I was able to have him full time, if yours is acting up for attention then maybe telling off wouldn’t work as well as a time out.

TwitcherOfCurtains · 20/02/2020 16:31

I'll carry on doing what I'm doing and just leaving the room with him. I hope that's enough

Why? You've had advice from posters. You could also look at parenting sites, parenting classes, advice from health visitor, advice from nursery.

Why won't you try those things?

Nicknacky · 20/02/2020 16:31

I’m no psychologist at all, but I think leaving the room with the baby seems to be a very negative thing to do to your daughter and will possibly leave her feeling lonely and rejected by you. I don’t think that’s the answer and other posters have given good ideas.

DillyDilly · 20/02/2020 16:31

There is a difference between smacking in temper and using it as a strategy

@kayakingmum. Actually there isn’t much difference at all. You would be carrying out an act of violence on a child in both cur umstances.

You mention that on both occasions your baby was sitting on your lap when your DD hurt the baby so it’s glaringly obvious that she’s feeling jealous and insecure when you do this. Work on strategies to re-assure. Leaving the room with the baby won’t accomplish anything but will make her feel even more insecure.

Blatherskite · 20/02/2020 16:32

So her hurting her brother is bad but you hurting her in retaliation is OK?

No, that's not a confusing message at all!

Ditto all the "bite her back, she'll soon learn" nonsense you hear.

If she hurts him, he gets all the attention and she gets none. Whether that's using a naughty corner, leaving the room or blanking her for a bit. When she's being kind, she gets showered with love and attention. Cuddle up with all 3 of you and read a book, Let her help dress the baby (put socks on maybe), something caring and lovely that includes him so she associates him with love. She'll soon learn that good behaviour gets a good response.

Buttersnipe · 20/02/2020 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

strawberrylipgloss · 20/02/2020 16:34

It's very common for 2 year old to hit or bite. Many parents of kids that age have to go through the phase of teaching them to use words not physical force to express their feelings like anger and jealousy towards another kid. She needs help labelling and dealing with her feelings. It's why being 2 is called the Terrible Twos- it's the year that they learn about how to deal with their emotions but often hitting, tantrumming or screaming because the feelings are hard to cope with. Being 3 is known as being a Threenager. It's the year where they need consistency with the stuff they learned at 2 so that when they go to school at 4, they can cope with being with other kids without adults always guiding things.

I'm not saying that your younger child needs to put up with it but chances are, he'll be doing the same when the time comes and he'll need to learn not to physically hurt others.

How is her language? If brother took her toy and you didn't see for instance, could she tell you to tell him to give it back? 2 is a prime time for learning taking turns and sharing etc and she needs patience and help learning.

In my experience, lots of praise and attention for being kind gets better results compared to a telling off for behaving badly. The bad behaviour has to be acknowledged but she's more likely to be motivated to be kind if you notice and praise her when she's kind.

If you hit her hand, I predict that she will copy and do the same when she'd annoyed with other people. How would you expect her to deal with another child annoying her if she was at nursery? I'm guessing you wouldn't want her to smack their hand and some variant of them expressing their anger with words.

Have you noticed a pattern with her behaviour? It's easy to miss the good behaviour and focus on the bad. Kids that age spend a lot of time with their sibling and it's inevitable that this stuff could happen. Sometimes you need to change the mood of the room by going to the room and having a drink or snack (thirst and hunger are major behaviour drivers ime) or have them do different things in the same room. Perhaps dc1 sits at the big table so dc2 can't reach her toys and disrupt things?)