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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to consider smacking 2 year old?

145 replies

kayakingmum · 20/02/2020 15:34

So far I have never smacked her, however a couple of days ago she bit my 8 month old son so hard through his trousers she broke the skin and caused a nasty bruise. I left the room with him (leaving her on her own which she hated). I was angry with her for about half an hour. Showed her what she did. Told her to say sorry. Her nursery teacher has had a quiet word with her as well.
The next day she pulled his hair very very hard so he really cried. Again I was angry with her. I have said if she ever really hurts DS again she will get a hard smack on the back of the hand.
She hasn't hurt him badly again (just stuff like sitting on him).

If you think my idea is unreasonable please give me an alternative strategy. I'm not sure what else to do. She gets loads of love and attention. Thanks.

OP posts:

Banana770 · 20/02/2020 16:00

YABU but I have a two year old who keeps biting his older sister so I totally understand the frustration, it’s horrible and it must be worse with it directed at a baby. We do short time outs and it does seem to work, I don’t think he fully gets it all yet (he’s only just turned two) but he definitely understands that if he bites he goes to stand in the hallway for a minute. He’s doing it less since we’ve really been consistent with that. Maybe give that a go?

anotherypasswordtoremember · 20/02/2020 16:00

I understand your frustration but smacking her won't help at all. It's going to make things worse.

Have a read of this:
www.handinhandparenting.org/article/what-to-do-when-toddlers-bite/

woooooo · 20/02/2020 16:01

"I have said if she ever really hurts DS again she will get a hard smack on the back of the hand."

Can you not see the irony of this statement?

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/02/2020 16:01

EmeraldShamrock
I believe the biting story too. My dh was a biter as well. One day after biting his cousin once too often, apparently her mum came over and bit him on the arm. He didn’t bite again.... I’m not condoning this of course and would never suggest this as a course of action.

EmmiJay · 20/02/2020 16:01

@Minister Oakie dokes.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 20/02/2020 16:02

There is a book for children called Teeth are Not for Biting that may be helpful. You can get it on Amazon.

Poetryinaction · 20/02/2020 16:02

I thought parents smacked when they lost their temper, not as a planned thing!
If she hurts her brother, remove her from the situation and give all the attention to the injured party.
Remind her at another time, when everyone is calm, how lovely she is and how proud you are when she is gentle.

Bluebutterfly90 · 20/02/2020 16:02

YABU.

Other posters have already pointed it out, but hurting a child to show them that hurting people is wrong is ridiculous.
I agree your DD needs discipline but smacking her is not the answer.

I have never understood people who smack their kids. It's not okay to smack other adults, it's not okay to smack animals, and I will never think it's okay to smack your child.

DillyDilly · 20/02/2020 16:02

Under no circumstances should you either threaten to smack or actually smack a child (or anyone else for that matter).

Perhaps think about why your DD is acting the way she is ? Is she feeling left out ? Are you constantly telling her to ‘be good’ you need to look after her brother ? Are you constantly telling her to be quiet ?

Do you spend any one to one time with your daughter ?

She’s behaving the way she is for a reason but can’t articulate why. Until this phase is over, you need to supervise her with her brother closely.

Daftodil · 20/02/2020 16:03

Naughty step or taking her toys off her are potential consequences for bad behaviour, reward chart and lots of praise for good behaviour are potential strategies to reinforce desirable behaviour.

That said, I'm quite surprised by the reactions on here. OP giving a slap on the back of her toddler's hand with a firm and instant "No!" in the moment is not the same as OP beating her baby.

VisionQuest · 20/02/2020 16:03

I was smacked as a child for being naughty. It never made me think it was ok to go around smacking people. So I'm not entirely sure that I agree with that train of thought. It taught me not to be naughty!

Generally I don't agree with smacking but yes, I have on a few occasions when I felt it was really warranted and as a last resort.

AnneTwackie · 20/02/2020 16:05

A firm NO. Give all the attention to the person she bites, do that in front of her. Do it for all negative behaviour towards her brother. Then leave it behind you both and over praise good behaviour.
Everyone has lost their temper and shouted or worse in anger but it’s not a strategy. You can do better than that. Also, this will pass.

Lazymorningsareover · 20/02/2020 16:05

^*I was smacked as a child for being naughty. It never made me think it was ok to go around smacking people. So I'm not entirely sure that I agree with that train of thought. It taught me not to be naughty!

Generally I don't agree with smacking but yes, I have on a few occasions when I felt it was really warranted and as a last resort.*^

Can you not see the irony there?

TheDailyCarbuncle · 20/02/2020 16:06

@VisionQuest - you're saying it didn't teach you it was ok to go around smacking people, then in the next line saying that you smack your child. So clearly it did teach you it was ok to smack people, people who are young and rely on you for everything.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 20/02/2020 16:06

OP giving a slap on the back of her toddler's hand with a firm and instant "No!" in the moment is not the same as OP beating her baby.

Nobody has suggested they're the same. One is obviously worse than the other but that doesn't mean either are acceptable.

BlueHarry · 20/02/2020 16:07

I'm not an expert op but maybe you could try something like encouraging your dd to play with the baby nicely by giving her a lot of praise when she does... Maybe she can get a sticker each time she does play with him nicely. With my DD I try to focus on the good behaviour and distract from the bad. Doesn't always work but it helps. I only have the one child, but my dd went through a little phase of hitting me, I just tried to keep repeating that it is wrong to hit, you must never hit another person. And eventually she got past it and it all seems to have calmed down now. I realise it's more scary when she's hitting a baby though. But I'm sure it's not uncommon in families with more than one dc, and I doubt she will do him any real harm.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 20/02/2020 16:08

I was smacked as a child for being naughty. It never made me think it was ok to go around smacking people

You don't think it's ok to go around smacking people but you think it's ok to smack your child. Why should your child have less rights than the adults around you? Why is it ok to hit a child half your size but not an adult? It makes absolutely no sense.

AmazingGreats · 20/02/2020 16:09

When my toddler hurt my baby I was both devastated and furious. But that was my shit to deal with. Toddler got sat on the nearest chair and told to stay there, with a stern "you NEVER do that, now sit there" while I checked the baby was ok and gave baby a cuddle. After that we introduced the naughty step, which is just a better version of sitting them on a chair. But it's always the same steps. Stop the behaviour, a clear statement saying what they did wrong and what will happen, then removing them from the situation temporarily (or remove the offending article if it's an incident involving a toy or object).

"No hitting, go to the naughty step"
"No biting, naughty step now"
"We don't hit with a toy, give me the toy"
"No tipping water on the floor, give me the cup"
Etc.

It helped me to stop moralising things by my own standards. Obviously I know that biting is bad, it's unhygienic and spiteful and fucking hurts. A toddler doesn't have that process. Their minds have not developed to be able to process all that information. They just need to know when it's "no" the moral side/ conscience comes later. They literally haven't developed all that yet. They are just crazy little impulsive psychopaths

VisionQuest · 20/02/2020 16:10

I meant as a child, being smacked did not result in me then going around and smacking other people/children.

As an adult, yes I admit, I have smacked on 2/3 occasions. I didn't do it because I was smacked as a child. The two things are not linked!

I'm not advocating a beating here, but a firm tap on the hand? No I don't have an issue with that.

BlueHarry · 20/02/2020 16:12

I must admit I've been tempted to give my dd a tap on the back of her hand when she's really played up. I'm not sure how to do the naughty step when she refuses to do it, besides phsyically restraining her which I don't really have the strength to do, and which would probably end up hurting her more than a tap on the hand would.

RogueV · 20/02/2020 16:12

2 is too young

newyearsresolution2010 · 20/02/2020 16:12

Smacking for me means you have lost control. And as others have said, your child will then learn this is acceptable. My 2 year old is now copying EVERYTHING we do and say. It's all about nature and nurture.

I would never smack my 2 year old. He used to bite, he doesn't now. It is a phase. He gets bitten almost daily at nursery, makes me a little pissed but it is a phase.

You need to make sure the 2 year old isn't alone with the baby. The 2 year old is probably jealous, maybe dislikes the baby because they now have all of your attention, and when they bite they get it back (any attention from you is better than no attention in their eyes).

You need to 1) not leave baby with 2 year old if you can't supervise, and 2) if 2 year old is getting angry/jealous then sit them down, say it's not okay, and walk away. They will soon learn that it is not okay.

Please don't hit your 2 year old to control them.

IScreamForIceCreams · 20/02/2020 16:14

She is 2.....biting, hitting, pulling, pushing comes with that. Don't punish her by hurting her.

Gatehouse77 · 20/02/2020 16:16

IME there's very little to be gained from smacking such a young child. It will reinforce the idea that smacking is acceptable.

As difficult as it is I would take an alternative approach. A firm "No", removal, simple explanation "We don't bite" and then distraction.

Look at the end goal and accept that some parenting is in for the long haul but you will reap the rewards eventually.

potter5 · 20/02/2020 16:16

No, should never need to hit a 2 year old regardless of what they have done. Naughty step/chair and disapproval normally works well.

When I was aged 2 I put my baby brother in a chest freezer. Luckily my GM spotted what I had done. I wasn't smacked though just spoken to sternly.

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