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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider smacking 2 year old?

145 replies

kayakingmum · 20/02/2020 15:34

So far I have never smacked her, however a couple of days ago she bit my 8 month old son so hard through his trousers she broke the skin and caused a nasty bruise. I left the room with him (leaving her on her own which she hated). I was angry with her for about half an hour. Showed her what she did. Told her to say sorry. Her nursery teacher has had a quiet word with her as well.
The next day she pulled his hair very very hard so he really cried. Again I was angry with her. I have said if she ever really hurts DS again she will get a hard smack on the back of the hand.
She hasn't hurt him badly again (just stuff like sitting on him).

If you think my idea is unreasonable please give me an alternative strategy. I'm not sure what else to do. She gets loads of love and attention. Thanks.

OP posts:
Lordfrontpaw · 20/02/2020 16:34

When I was little my friend but her sister and her mum in turn but her ‘I’ll show you!’. In honesty I think we were all so shocked - it never happened again (and my mum thereafter called them ‘the vampires’).

VeganCow · 20/02/2020 16:36

I wouldn't but get why you are desperate. My friend who is 80 said her child used to bite and one bite too many she bit him back on his hand and reckoned he never did it again- that was the 60s though

Mammyloveswine · 20/02/2020 16:36

Op I think you are getting harsh responses, smacking is not great especially when premeditated however I confess to tapping my eldest on the bottom when he really hurt his brother as a baby. I cried, he cried, the baby cried... was awful!

Parenting is hard and a 2 year old suddenly seems very big and grown up next to a baby. However please remember your 2 year old is still a baby...

Ignore any behaviour that is acting up, if she hurts the baby make a huge fuss of the baby and ignore her. When she is gentle make a huge fuss of her. It's hard but be consistent.

avocadoincident · 20/02/2020 16:37

Op I hope you still read the post even though there's lots of people just saying YABU rather than giving you alternative strategies.

I know this is going to be hard and not want you want to hear but I'd shower the two year old with love and attention. Praise for the slightest thing.... I love how you are sitting at the table, your smile was nice to see, you put your coat on well today etc etc etc.

Honestly pick up on everything and her behaviour will turn and she'll grow out of it all

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 20/02/2020 16:37

There is a difference between smacking in temper and using it as a strategy

Is there? Really?

So if an adult hits another adult as part of a “strategy “ that’s ok is it? You’d be happy with someone doing that to you?

Physical punishment on a tiny toddler who can’t protect themselves isn’t the way to go whatsoever. You need to find a way to situation without hurting a child.

DonkeyKong2019 · 20/02/2020 16:38

You need to be glued to one or the other of the.. don't give her the opportunity. Massively praise the positive actions she makes towards her brother

TopBitchoftheWitches · 20/02/2020 16:39

Not got past your thread title. Yes, you would be unreasonable to hit a two year old. Abusive even.

seven201 · 20/02/2020 16:41

If my dd did that I'd put her on the 'thinking spot' for two minutes then go and talk to her and explain why what she did was so bad.

GrumpyHoonMain · 20/02/2020 16:43

You have spent most of your elder daughter’s life either pregnant (and so it probably impacted on the things you did with her) or with the new baby. Appreciate you need to spend time with the 8 month old but behaviours like this happen when elder kids don’t get enough positive attention. You clearly don’t spend enough quality time with her - that’s why she’s trying to get your attention by being bad. If you hit her all it will do is cause her to up her game as you gave her attention.

You need to explain each time why hurting the baby is wrong. Don’t shout but explain calmly - you’re an adult and so should be able to control your temper. Never leave your kids alone together - she’s not old enough to keep an eye on him or control herself really so I’m not sure why you do this. It’s just setting her up to fail

Superfoodie123 · 20/02/2020 16:49

Please don't hit her. I still dont forgive my mum for that 30 years later.

Behaviour is a symptom of something else. Comfort the baby when she hurts him and show her how to make him feel better. Give her some 1 on 1 time dont hit her!

Maduixa · 20/02/2020 16:57

If you think my idea is unreasonable please give me an alternative strategy.

Engage a professional therapist. Now.

Bipbipbipbip · 20/02/2020 17:00

I've got a 2yo and I'll admit there have been days I've poured a glass of wine the minute he's gone to bed, but I'd never ever hit him. I was smacked as a child and I wouldn't put my son in that position. There's some good advice on this thread.

Greenglassteacup · 20/02/2020 17:09

Are you getting any one to one time with her? If she is hitting or biting the baby while you are holding him, she is feeling left out and wants her Mum to herself. This is normal 2 year old stuff. Does she have one to one time with you?

MaltbyMaeve · 20/02/2020 17:17

Have a look at AHA parents for some kinder approaches to parenting.

HandsOffMyRights · 20/02/2020 17:21

YABVU and I had two two-year-olds at one stage.

Hitting children is never OK. It's child abuse.

HandsOffMyRights · 20/02/2020 17:28

I also feel strongly aa my Dad still jokes about how he hit me so hard, his hand was blue.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 20/02/2020 17:52

There is a difference between smacking in temper and using it as a strategy.

Is there? I think you're kidding yourself if you think that choosing to characterise this as a "strategy" in any justifies hitting your child. Calling it a "strategy" doesn't stop it being an act of aggression. It just means it's a calculated, pre-meditated act of aggression rather than a momentary loss of control leading to agression. If anything I think that might be worse.

Streamside · 20/02/2020 17:52

Reward her good behaviour.It's a phase which she'll grow out of but I doubt if you'll ever forget if you hit a 2 yr old.Is she getting out in the fresh air enough, I'd try providing lots of distractions.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 20/02/2020 17:52

In any way justifies. Was typing too quick, sorry.

Nonnymum · 20/02/2020 18:01

2 year olds are difficult but please do not hit her. You will only be teaching her that it's ok to hurt someone smaller than you. It won't stop her behaviour to her baby sibling Becaue she is too young to control her emotions.
It sounds as though she is struggling with jealously. This often happens when the baby is about 8 months, moving around, being more responsive and very cute so getting lots of attention. Do you manage to spend 1 to 1 time with your older child? Try to do things with her away from the baby, let her know how special she is and she will always still your baby. Also try to point out every time the baby look sat your daughter or laughs at something she does. And get her to help you fetch nappies etc and say as often as you can look how much xx loves you, she is lucky to have a big sister like you. Etc
When she hurts the baby immediately remove her, tell her it's wrong to hurt people show her you are unhappy and cuddle /comfort the baby.
Don't leave them alone together at all.

willowmelangell · 20/02/2020 18:02

I always say, if someone twice your size hit you, would you ever trust them again?
You have already stated what punishment your dd hated. Being left on her own. Sit her on her own, a time out step. Set a timer for say, 5 mins. Do not interact with her until the bell goes. She will get the message if you are consistent.
I have never hit my dc. Too many bad memories.

UndertheCedartree · 20/02/2020 18:03

There's a thread on here about being smacked as a child. So many can't forgive their parents and it has really affected them. Really not worth it.

Nowayorhighway · 20/02/2020 18:29

It’s like when a parent shouts “STOP SHOUTING”, it just makes no sense at all. You’re trying to teach her that violence is bad by being violent towards her, logic?

Don’t leave her alone with the baby, shower her in love and affection so she doesn’t feel pushed out. This is classic two year old behaviour fwiw and now she has a sibling so she’s probably feeling afraid that the baby is stealing her Mummy away. It doesn’t make sense to you because you’re a rational adult, she’s two years old so doesn’t understand.

Nowayorhighway · 20/02/2020 18:30

I always wondered why it’s illegal to assault another adult but legal to assault a vulnerable child half your size.

Aragog · 20/02/2020 18:33

2 is too young

All ages are too young for snaking. There is no right age to smack and hit a child, or an adult for that matter.

Smacking should never be a punishment or behaviour strategy. It's been shown time and time again to be ineffective. Children who are hit are most likely to hit out at others, and hit their own children too.

Sounds like your little one may be jealous of her younger sibling. Does she get some 1-1 time with you, without baby? And does she get some special 'big girl' rewards?

Look at praise for good behaviour wherever you can. Praise her when she is playing nicely with and without her baby sibling, even for small things.

What's her speech and comprehension like? Can she communicate to you her feelings, including those about her sibling?

She must have been very tiny when her sibling came about. It would have been a big shock to her life as it was and suddenly having to share mummy and daddy, and having to be the big sister when still not much more than a baby. Sibling jealousy is a very real thing.