To ask were you smacked by your parents as a child, and do you forgive them now?

[blubberball]

I was smacked by my parents as a child. Sometimes they would completely lose their shit and smack me over and over, whilst shouting at me. Each syllable would be a smack. I remember wanting my dm to stop talking, so that she would stop hitting me. I remember being in the street and my dm taking a swing at my arse, and I managed to move to dodge it.

I guess it stopped at the "appropriate" age. 10 or something.

I have never smacked my dc, and would use time outs to discipline them. My parents moved with the times and followed my lead. I forgive them, and they are very loving and supportive now. It's strange to think that happened now.

I was being flippant but yes I'm incredibly damaged & settle all my disagreements by whacking strangers. My parents aren't English & it was much more acceptable in their culture. I don't do it but I carry zero resentment & have a fantastic relationships with them

I didn't for a minute think your parents hitting you meant you would settle your disagreements by whacking strangers. People tend not to do that because it is a criminal offence.

Do you whack your own children?

I'd usually be smacked until I'd confess to doing something I hadn't done.

We have a passable relationship but no, I've never really forgiven them for it.

I was smacked occasionally as a young child , but only when I had been really naughty. I think they became aware there were better ways of discipline and just stopped doing it as I don't remember them doing it with my younger brother. I don't feel the need to forgive them for it. Not something I would ever do with my own kids though.

My mother used to have a large wooden spoon which she would draw a smiley face on and then hit us with it.

My sibling who was the biggest ratbag of us all would have defaced it - drawn a beard or vampire teeth or something. Then we would have all negotiated/drawn straws for who was going to do something wrong to get the spoon so we could see her face when she got it out. Then we would have all denied being the one to deface it. Then we would have all copped it. We would have thought that absolutely hilarious and totally worth it though .

My Mother did smack me a few times but yes, I forgive her because she was also loving, kind and a wonderful Mum 99% of the time. I don’t remember my Dad ever smacking me, but he was cold and emotionally abusive towards me and I will never truly forgive him deep down even though I have on the surface. The thought of ever smacking my lovely DD fills me with absolute horror though, so I don’t really understand how my Mum managed it!

If the responses on here are in any way typical, it seems we have transitioned from parents being physically abusive thugs to being self-controlled, mild-mannered pacifists within a generation. It seems remarkable!

People tend not to do that because it is a criminal offence.

Yeah the jails are full of people who smacked strangers on the bums. I was born & raised in a then rough part of London so you just didn't smack strangers bums or even look at certain people for too long, my fear was not of breaking the law.

Do you whack your own children?

I said I didn't in my previous post.

Yes, but it wasn't just smacking and no I don't forgive her. Time passing has allowed her to believe that she was a patient loving parent... she was not. When she tries to give me 'advice' about raising my children I actually laugh.

There was also a clear difference in how she treated my brother v's me and that still exists to this day to some extent.

I couldn't care less tbh. Life will be easier when she's gone.

I forgot to add, the violence (and that's exactly what it was) only stopped when she went for me one day and I'd finally had enough and fought back. She knew never to touch me again from that point. I think I was about 8/9 then.

The people who think being smacked was fine but have never hit their own kids because "they aren't as naughty as I was". Could that possibly because you're parenting with empathy and understanding, rather than with control and fear? You don't see the link there? They aren't just magically "not naughty". Their behaviour is being accepted and managed differently and more effectively.

I was smacked as a child. Very infrequently and only for something major after all other discussion had failed. I remember the last time was the day I started my periods and I had been a gobby, nasty she-devil for days.

I have smacked my own children a handful of times each, no I'm not proud, but yes, it was as an absolute last resort. Once after child ran out between parked cars after fighting to let go of my hand in a car park - yes that was a fear response from me.

There is a world of difference between a smack and what some of you have described - which is abuse. I don't feel that I have anything to forgive my parents for, and I also don't think some of you should feel that you should forgive yours.

If a stranger battered you with force and fear, repeatedly, after losing control, you'd run a mile and report instantly. Just because it is your parent doing it doesn't mean you are obliged to forgive love them

No, I do not forgive my dad for putting me over his knee and spanking my bottom. It hardened me against him, or standing by the door telling me to leave the room and swiping my head with a slap as I went last him..

I was smacked and kicked on one occasion by my father. I am sure that he was disciplined quite severely as a child. It was probably all he knew. However, I was not a naughty child and I can remember being kept in my bedroom 'until your father gets home' and throwing up all over the floor in fear.
The result of all this was I was afraid of both of my parents. I had mental health problems in my late teens which persisted for years.

Looking back now I wonder if I had had a different relationship with my parents could it all have been resolved many years ago.

So being smacked as a child left me with very ambivalent feelings when my father died. I never found the need to smack my son. It never occurred to me. I hope that we have a much more honest and open relationship.

If you are frightened of someone you can't be open with them and things that should be brought out into the open remain hidden.

My mother would tell my father of any misdemeanours when he got home so he would smack all of us (no matter who had done the ”crime”) in a fit of rage and what I know now to be uncontrolled violence against children.

I realised recently that I was actually petrified of my own father and scornful of my mother for not only storing up wrongs to tell him and then standing by while he physically assaulted us children to the point that we would cry ourselves to sleep with the pain. (I've been NC with my parents for other things that I just cannot forgive or forget for a while) and I am so glad that I never resorted to smacking my dd, ever. Violence is wrong, even more so when it's an adult assaulting a child. It goes way beyond chastisement.

My sister and I were smacked for very trivial reasons. We were subjected to other punishments too. Why would I 'forgive' them? Why is it okay to physically hurt the very people that you're supposed to love and nurture?
I haven't read the whole thread, but suspect posters who think it does no harm are thinking of a tap on the bottom rather than a major thrashing. I think one of these is totally unacceptable and one is the thin edge of a very nasty wedge.

It must be banned in some countries for a good reason. Wales have recently banned it... I'll be very surprised if England doesn't follow suit.

I think one of the issues is when does it cross over to abuse? It's physical violence at best, and looking at some of the posts here, a lot of parents who have smacked actually abused their children physically. I don't get how if we aren't allowed to go around smacking adults when they do something wrong why are we allowed to do it to a child that is much more vulnerable than we are. We live in times where we preach about mental health, have a better understanding of behaviours yet some still think its an acceptable way to "discipline"... That's not discipline, that's punishment.

Children need boundaries but not through fear.

It must be banned in some countries for a good reason

I imagine a blanket ban is easier than trying to work out who are loving parents using it as a last resort for dreadful behaviour and who are abusive parents.

I was smacked a handful of times. Don’t think it was the right thing to do, but can see why it happened (once ran across a road, that sort of thing). It was humiliating to happen rather than painful! But I don’t think my parents done it out of evil or malice. I had always swore not to hit. However one day my son repeatedly kept hitting and biting and head butting. I threatened a smack if it happened again. He hit me again so I grabbed his hand to smack it and then realised what I was doing. I gave his hand a tiny soft tap with my index finger and told him that was a smack. It can’t possibly have hurt physically but he was still upset. I still feel bad about it.

But, lots of people here seem to have actually been abused by parents who seem to have taken pleasure in hurting and having power over small children

Oh yes I was smacked but not so severely as you seem to have been and my heart goes out to your little self and well done for not keeping the tradition.

My mum's smacks which would land wherever usually due to my answering back were not really that painful and were probably a lot better than someone droning on and on ... I remember my father said of his parents his mother (a non smacking parent, unusual for the generation) would go on and on and he would far rather have had a quick wallop and all over from his dad!

My father was a very even tempered man and rarely lost his temper ... I can think of 2 occasions when he truly lost his temper. Once he caught me muttering rudeness to him and caught me with a bamboo cane across the back of the thighs (I would have been about 11) ... I was v sure not to get caught again. Another occasion, I remember a chase round following being rude to my mum and I managed to get out of the house and garden and gate and came back when things calmed down (I would have been about 14).

My father and mother are both extremely dear to me and strangely I dont even think of it as something to forgive.

I think the language for both smacking and hitting invokes such different images in peoples' minds and encompasses such a large spectrum that it makes it difficult for people from either end to relate to each other.

My Mum's version of a "smack" was a half-hearted swot to the bum with her open palm, usually to get our attention or snap us out of a tantrum. It didn't hurt and wasn't humiliating, it was a signal I understood on a visceral level - that enough was enough. I love her very much and don't see anything to forgive (in this aspect! there were plenty other things unfortunately)

My Dad's version of a "smack" was repeated red-faced, raised-arm beating with a tool - a metal ruler or a stick, later wire hangers and the chain from a broken swing. His version left scars, physical and emotional, from the beatings and also the absolute, uncontrolled hatred/rage that came with them.

I think "smack" is unhelpful when referring to beatings, and equally I think "hit" is unhelpful when referring to discipline like my Mum did. The ill-defined language obscures so much of peoples' intended meaning.

I don't agree with "spanking" kids, but have nothing against the single-swot-to-the-bum of a child that cannot yet be reasoned with, and needs urgently to stop what they're doing.

I don't think discipline of children can be compared to treatment of adults, because an adult should never be disciplining another adult (apart from law enforcement, who do use physical force and threat of it). I do think that children should not be made to experience fear/pain/humiliation and that crossing this line constitutes abuse (which is by no means limited to the physical).

@PatriciaBateman

I completely agree with your analysis. I think it shows on this thread too. Those who had “smacks” like your mother’s seem nonplused by it. Those who had “smacks” like your father’s understandably far less so.

I’m not condoning smacking and think it’s a poor form of discipline, but I think the outrage often expressed at a ‘tap’ is excessive and unhelpful.

It’s a bit like losing your temper.... Arguably, it’s wrong and parents should have self-control to deal with all issues with equanimity and composure at all time, and if they can’t they shouldn’t have had children ..... but a parent who raises their voice to their cocky child in a few moments of exasperation is very different to one who screams abuse for hours at their cowering child. The first is part and parcel of parenting (though there are always some saints on MN who claim never to have ever had a cross word with their child), the other abusive. It’s the same with “smacking”.

Of course forgive them - times have changed and we are all of our time.

But I did find it hard to forgive the occasion when they could not decide which of us was the culprit (my brother or I) and stood over us arguing as to which one to smack!!!!

OP, that sounds as though your parents (Mum?) were really out of control and that is the danger with smacking.
I had the odd smack as a child and absolutely do not feel there is anything to forgive. I never had the slightest doubt that my parents loved me and cared for me.
I think I was quite a stern softie as a parent of small children .....because I was nice and kind most of the time (according to my children!) the Death Stare was enough for them to know they were in trouble.
I had/have friends who were vehemently non-smacking. I once heard one scream at her son "I f*ing hate you, you little s**t!" I have absolutely no doubt that smacking does less harm than having that screamed in your face.

the Death Stare was enough for them to know they were in trouble

Death stare! Would you do that to an adult? Of course not... It would be totally unacceptable and an indicator of coercive control.

Obviously I don’t really think that, but it’s a standard line of argument used to attack methods of discipline people disagree with, and it’s a stupid line of argument as parents do need to discipline and control children in a way they don’t with adults with each other, where they can call upon the authorities to deal with any dispute if needed.

I remember my mum hitting me on the head and me crying and telling my dad. My dad said that she shouldn't hit me on the head and she denied she'd done it and said i must have dreamt it.
These days she speaks scornfully of people who smack their kids in shopping centres. Strange really as she did exactly the same.