To ask were you smacked by your parents as a child, and do you forgive them now?

[blubberball]

I was smacked by my parents as a child. Sometimes they would completely lose their shit and smack me over and over, whilst shouting at me. Each syllable would be a smack. I remember wanting my dm to stop talking, so that she would stop hitting me. I remember being in the street and my dm taking a swing at my arse, and I managed to move to dodge it.

I guess it stopped at the "appropriate" age. 10 or something.

I have never smacked my dc, and would use time outs to discipline them. My parents moved with the times and followed my lead. I forgive them, and they are very loving and supportive now. It's strange to think that happened now.

My parents smacked. I'm 29. My mother liked to use the flat back of a hairbrush, as I recall. No, I don't forgive them. It only stopped as a teenager when I slapped my mother back- across the face and told her she didn't get to do that anymore. I think it's dangerous.

My Mother didn’t hit
Me to discipline me or teach me right from wrong, she hit me because she couldn’t control her temper.
I don’t forgive her for it ,but it’s more complex than that.
I look after her in her in old age, and I’m grateful to have been born, but I don’t show her much of myself. She doesn’t really know me and id certainly never be vulnerable with her. I’m very boundaried with her.

Very occasionally and have never given it any thought!! I personally have never smacked my children.

No I wasn't smacked (grew up in the 70s). And my parents weren't smacked either - they would be in their 90s if alive. It is at best lazy and at worst abusive parenting.

It's being exposed to a world where you are not reasoned with like a human being, but beaten into submission like a circus animal.

The funny thing is a lot of people who think it's OK to smack a child would never hit an animal.

My parents would never hit the dog, because she was just a dog who couldn't help barking/digging/being naughty. But a 5yo who draws on the wall deserves a smack. Baffling.

another person whose parent did not smack as a form of consistent discipline, but because they couldn't control their anger. I remember running down the corridor in absolute terror with my mum pursuing me. And trying to hold the door shut from the inside so she couldn't get to me, while she shoved it from the outside until she got in.

I am still early-ish in my parenting journey (DD is about to turn 1) so perhaps something will change and one day I'll understand why my mother behaved the way she did, even if I can't condone it or repeat it. But I haven't got there yet. I hope I never ever use fear or physical dominance to control my child.

Smacked by parents. Nothing to forgive - however I'd have a different view if my grandchildren were smacked. Teachers, however grudge held for being humiliated.

My parents and their parenting of me was a product of the times. I don't need to forgive. They were not abusive

^^ This. All my friends bar one were also smacked occasionally at home. I didn't like it, and my DH and I have never smacked or physically disciplined our own DCs, but we live in a different time. It's easy to think that it should have very obviously been seen as wrong, but hindsight is always easier - I'm sure in 40 years our children will all be horrified at something that is common practice right now.

Barring the clearly abusive situations from some of the pps above, I do think that it's unfair and unhelpful for anyone involved for people who are now adults to be expecting forgiveness from parents who did a decent job, loved their kids and followed the standards of the time.

My mother smacked us all, and beat my brother. She would laugh about how my sister would hide under the table and beg not to be hit, promising to be good.

I forgave her (for me, not her), but it doesn't excuse the fact she was abusive. To be fair though, she did it cos she regularly lost her shit. Must be even worse to have one of those monster parents who brag about how they hit their children calmly, without anger.

And people saying it was fine because parents were people of their time. I knew it wasn't right to hit people as a child. Are we saying these were automatons who couldn't think for themselves? Mum would literally slap us for 'picking on someone smaller than us' if we didn't want to play with my little sister - without any irony whatsoever.

I was 7 when I decided to never hit my own children. I think my mother was capable of coming to a similar conclusion if she'd had any empathy whatsoever.

I am shocked at all these people saying they were smacked and “there is nothing to forgive and it hasn’t affected me”

If you think that an adult that is supposed to guide you and protect you can hurt you and not apologise then sorry but yes, IT HAS AFFECTED YOU

I have vivid memories of being smacked (and shaken once) and I found it absolutely terrifying. It was lack of control on my mother's part. I also hated and dreaded the threat, almost more than the physical punishment. The threat could hang over you for ages, e.g. if you were out and were going to be smacked when you got home. Actually, that's not lack of control is it, it's the opposite. Anyway, I have never, and would never, smack my child, and I very rarely shout either. I'm terrified of turning into my mother. But I do have boundaries.

And all the “teaching me right and wrong/ making sure I was disciplined etc” -‘are plain excuses.
I teach my children right from wrong and to behave and be kind.

Forgive them? For what - I deserved it most of the time. Nothing to forgive. Before anyone asks my if I smack my children - no, they aren’t as naughty as I was. It also was very much the done thing back then

Yes I was smacked. No I don't forgive them for losing their tempers and choosing violence over appropriate discipline.

We knew smacking was a last resort, if we'd been really naughty. I am glad they disciplined us properly

This. It did not happen often but we were pre-warned that if we did not stop whatever naughty thing we were doing, we would be smacked. If we ignored the warning, it is quite reasonable that the our parents were as good as their word. That's the way we learned boundaries. Nothing to forgive - they loved us dearly and we knew it. We also knew that we were behaving in a very unacceptable way and had asked for it.

@ChristmasFluff but that's the thing - it does seem obvious to me, as a parent now, that hitting a child is wrong. However, I also don't think that I'm more intelligent or enlightened than all the adults I grew up with - yet almost none of them thought the same way, which suggests to me there's a cultural element. We all want to believe that if we'd lived in a time of slavery or violence for example, we would have been against it - but in reality, most people follow cultural norms. I'm sure my mum aged 7 might also have thought she'd never smack a child, but then aged 27 and with three kids to look after and cultural expectations around good child behaviour and appropriate discipline, she did smack - and who knows, in her shoes maybe the majority of us hand wringing on this thread would have done the same.

I'm fully against smacking, just don't think that the average parent of the previous generation needs to apologise.

I do actually trust my parents with my children despite me growing up quite damaged (dont trust people, have no confidence and severe anxiety). Things have changed a lot, serious cancer, a death in the family, parents have no work stress, lots of pension income and more time etc. We dont have an amazing relationship but i feel its functional and relatively healthy and I am happy for mine to stay with my family.

It did not happen often but we were pre-warned that if we did not stop whatever naughty thing we were doing, we would be smacked. If we ignored the warning, it is quite reasonable that they were as good as their word. That's the way we learned boundaries. Nothing to forgive - they loved us dearly and we knew it. We also knew that we were behaving in a very unacceptable way and had asked for it.

This is so sad.

Read it again, but imagine it's a woman who was hit by her husband saying it. Violence against children is so normalised, it's ridiculous.

Must be even worse to have one of those monster parents who brag about how they hit their children calmly, without anger.

I know right? that's even more fucked up

My mother used to have a large wooden spoon which she would draw a smiley face on and then hit us with it. She would also threaten to have us put in a local authority home. Thing is we were well behaved , we daren't be otherwise. Anaylise that ?. My father said she was the product of her own upbringing. In that respect I felt sorry for her but at the time I thought she was a f*cking Nazi.

Yes I was, and I don't consider there to be anything for me to forgive them for. They told me they smacked me when I was a crawling baby and couldn't understand being told things like "don't chew the cable/stick your fingers in the plug socket". I presume they tried moving or distracting me and if I carried on I got a smack. I don't remember it at all and I have a good close relationship with both my parents.

That sounds nothing like what you experienced though.

Why do people associate "smacking" with "discipline" instead of "anger" or "revenge".

I am so glad that we seem - at last - to be moving towards making the assault of our children a criminal offence.

If I hit an adult or an unrelated child I risk a charge of assault! Why not for one of our own DCs?

I was. It was very normal in 1970s. It really isn't an issue for me. Loads of other stuff I find hard to forgive but smacking is not high on the list, probably because it was normal. The constant anger and screaming and wailing was far harder to cope with than the occasional clip round the leg.

I was smacked and in my view that was a short sharp shock which did no lasting harm.

More often the punishment was loss of love: my ‘D’M would ignore me, tell me that she wouldn’t collect me from nursery/school or wouldn’t love me any more. That was truly terrifying. I will never ever forgive her for her fucked up psychological warfare on a small child.

I can’t forgive her for that.