How much should your partner earn....

[nonwonderwoman]

I have always been ambitious but my DH has outstripped my earnings by at least double check in the last 5 years.
This hasn't generally bothered me as I have earned well in the legal profession and developed an excellent reputation at work. However my DH has recently been awarded a salary of £215k + .
The feminist in me wants to keep going to work and building my reputation and professional life but the realist in me wonders whether to give up my job and start enjoying a simple life. ABUR?

It all depends what works for you and your family unit. There are risks to stopping work or slowing your career but there are also risks to trying so hard to protect yourself financially against divorce/death that you lose out on other things. I quit a relatively high paid career so that our family have better balance. I do loads of volunteering to keep my brain active. If dh dies/leaves then we will struggle a bit financially, but we have plans in place and it’s worth the risk imo. I compare the situation to the parents who drive their kids everywhere to keep them safe and risk obesity, rather than walking and learning road safety. Don’t stay in a job that is stressing your family unit purely for the “what ifs”. Put half the savings in your name, into a personal pension etc but do what works for your family to make you happy and fulfilled.

Do what would make you happy and also give you an income if DH decided to end the marriage. Never lose the ability to be independent

I'd leave the rat race but would want 'something' to do to earn some money independently.

I'd personally take some legal advice to generally understand what I'd be entitled to in case of a break up. Just so I knew where I stood.

Is there a way of keeping your hand in legal but doing something flexible/freelance from home to fit around the kids?

The really sad thing about this thread is that not one person has said, look at your kids how are they? Do they like the holiday clubs and the nanny? Are they happy with their friends, do they need any extra support with their studies? Will they be happy with the situation?

Surely a lot depends on the child. I work tto, my eldest still chooses to go to some holiday clubs & does tennis, football clubs etc after school.

do think that a parent should be available to their kids.

You can work & be available & not work & not be available.

I think it's too simplistic to blame children's unhappiness solely on mothers working at of the home.

All this shit about the lazy bored SAHP is awful

I don't subscribe to that but honestly I can't cope with being at home with my kids every day

Not a single person has asked whether the DH should change careers to be more present in their children's lives. It's double standards.

Exactly! My dad was a banker, he worked for an American bank so I barely saw him during the week & he was often flying to & from. I often wished my dad was around more as we were closer. My mum was great but I just really get on with my dad.

Is there a way of keeping your hand in legal but doing something flexible/freelance from home to fit around the kids?
Being freelance can be even more stressful. Doing all your own admin, billing etc. Keeping clients happy without any back up. There's a lot to be said for having a good job in a good firm.

I was really surprised at the no of couples who split as the children reached early adulthood.
To be fair most of the people I know who have split up, have split at this time - early adulthood and both parents have been working. They judged it was least disruptive on their kids - they had hit adulthood and for the most part the job of parenting was done and it was time for the parents to start building their lives with someone new - it had nothing to do with employee differences, sometimes you only see what you want to see!

Not a single person has asked whether the DH should change careers to be more present in their children's lives. It's double standards. Pure and simple. It's also a kick in the teeth for single parents and families who have two working parents by necessity.

That’s quite a leap from what I posted. I was trying to say when parents have an option to structure their family life differently they it’s a good idea to speak to the actual kids involved rather than mumsnet. Perhaps they would like to see their dad around more, by talking to them maybe this issue could be raised and they could do something about it. Not once did I say it relates to mothers, its really not cricket to twist someone’s words to suit your own agenda.

I also pointed out that society should be supporting families. I’m not kicking anyone in the teeth, it’s you who is doing that by distracting from the issue.

I think it's too simplistic to blame children's unhappiness solely on mothers working at of the home.

I didn’t say that. Again not once did I mention mothers. I said that we need to value childcare and the people who look after them.

I don't subscribe to that but honestly I can't cope with being at home with my kids every day

That is fair enough but it’s a separate issue for your family. I wouldn’t have liked being at home with my kids everyday either but that’s not really what raising children is about. It’s not a good idea to devalue people or the role of caring for children no matter what their relationship to that child is.

Your work isn't worthless because your partner earns more (also jeeeesus the salaries on mn are eye-watering! You on £70k and him on £250k??! Holy hell!). So to the point - you working has value in that you are building on skills and using your education / qualifications. You are setting a good example to your DC - instilling a strong work ethic and hopefully encouraging them to be financially independent as adults. Not to be pessimistic but if you and your DH ever do split up (I hope you don't) then you have maintained your career and won't be left scrimping around worrying about money every night and crying when a bill arrives unexpectedly (I remember my mum doing this as a single parent with low income). You are carving out a professional life for yourself and even though it's not "needed" it's something you are doing for you, and I think that is empowering. I have been pressured lately to be a SAHP by my family but I am firmly resolved to stay at work for the above reasons.

In all fairness if it had been a DH posting asking what he should do as his wife now earned £200k I would say the same to him as I have done to the OP.

My DF worked long hours and travelled a fair bit, so wasn’t around as much as DM. Rarely did bedtime. Ironically I have memories of him reading bedtime stories when we were on holiday, can’t remember DM reading us stories but she did!

Although DH works long hours he does still try and make as many things at school as he can. Used to read bedtime stories over the phone if he had to be away. He also works for a smaller firm rather than big international one, which is more family friendly. DH is in a senior role but recognises the importance of family life for everyone.

OP doesn't say how old the kids are but TBH it's a bit much to involve young children in very complex adult decisions. Of course a kid might say that they want their mum or dad to be at home but they don't understand anything about family finances, resilience, self-actualisation etc. If my parents had sat me down for those kinds of conversations I would have been incredibly anxious.

And my "agenda" is for a society that equally supports and expects both women and men to have equal chances and choices in both the workplace and the domestic space. With equal recognition and reward. What's wrong with that?

Hi namechanging as I was in a similar situation. I’ve agreed shorter days three days a week from home plus two in the office with lots of extra holiday. I get to pick the children up from school and don’t have to commute the majority of the week. I still have my own cash and I’m a lot happier. If there are any options to reframe your hours have a try.

DH works ridiculous hours at times - we can’t both do that and have any sort of life. He’s said I can resign if I want to but I’m loathe to just stop working especially as our combined income means we have lots of freedom.

Btw A nanny doesn’t solve all childcare issues - ours was wonderful but I’d feel hugely guilty whenever the trains were delayed - everything was a constant rush.

It really depends on your lifestyle and where he/you are investing wisely. Realistically £215k p/a isn’t enough for you to be able to call it quits on work securely. If he doesn’t leave you yes you’ll be fine, although not necessarily rich. But what if he leaves you or becomes financially abusive? I wouldn’t give up a reasonably paying career (unless it was making my life very difficult) in that wealth bracket. However, what I would do is invest spare money in cash generating assets and, when I had enough passive income to get me through on the off chance my husband became an arsehole I would retire early.

TBH it's a bit much to involve young children in very complex adult decisions. Of course a kid might say that they want their mum or dad to be at home but they don't understand anything about family finances, resilience, self-actualisation etc. If my parents had sat me down for those kinds of conversations I would have been incredibly anxious.

Definitely. My DS would prefer DH was at home today not at work. But he also likes Lego...

* I know theres a huge push at the moment to get both parents working but I truly believe a lot of children are getting a raw deal. Schools are full of fucked up kids that do not have enough support at home.*

We should be supporting families to have enough resources to look after their children not criticising anyone who dares to take it seriously.

What are you saying, cause I'm confused? Why does working or not denote whether you take looking after children seriously?

Stop saying a parent at home is worthless, start saying how can we look after our kids better*

I don't think a parent at home is worthless, I just don't subscribe to the notion that working = bad parent.

I guess you are younger than me OP given the age of your children but at my age women really start to pay the price for not working. Death, divorce, illness, estrangement, unemployment - all these can leave a previously secure family in dire straits. Every single woman I know who was a SAHM has struggled for one reason or another in later life (granted I don’t know that many). But every one has ended up trying to rebuild an income stream from almost nothing.

I drum this into my children - never give up your financial independence. I wish all women understood the importance of this rule.

Never beholden to anyone let alone a man. My mum drilled this into me. DH is older than me. We used to have 75/25% split in terms of earning capability. 6 years later we are now on 56/44% his salary increased durning this period too, but I managed bigger jumps.
I'd say I have 12/24 months until I tip the balance.
I'm proud of that.
It's been hard work, but no one can ever take that from me ....... and if anything ever happened. I can take my 6 figures with me........

The argument re higher paid being resentful v higher paid only got to that position in the first place because if supportive partner, is interesting.

It's common for men to hide money.

No kid ever appreciates a parent being a higher earner. They'd give anything for more of your time.

Every single one of my Ds1's friends parents are high earners. They all now resent having lived their life with the nanny, and don't like going to Dubai 'yet again'.

OP doesn't say how old the kids are but TBH it's a bit much to involve young children in very complex adult decisions. Of course a kid might say that they want their mum or dad to be at home but they don't understand anything about family finances, resilience, self-actualisation etc. If my parents had sat me down for those kinds of conversations I would have been incredibly anxious.

Again that’s not what I said. Having age appropriate conversations with children about how they are and their lifestyle shouldn’t give them anxiety. I don’t know why you are determined to twist everything I said. An example - one of mine really didn’t like a holiday camp, I investigated, sympathised, saw it did suit. I couldn’t take the time off but my DH could WFH those days and we chose a different activity with less hours for them. Situation resolved by talking to our family. We discussed the issue with our child not sit them down with the mortgage paperwork.

And my "agenda" is for a society that equally supports and expects both women and men to have equal chances and choices in both the workplace and the domestic space. With equal recognition and reward. What's wrong with that?

Because your attitude will do more harm than good. People shouldn’t fear being lesser by caring for children. They should be valued in their own right.

We should be supporting families to have enough resources to look after their children not criticising anyone who dares to take it seriously.

What are you saying, cause I'm confused? Why does working or not denote whether you take looking after children seriously?

I’m sorry I’m not clear. What I’m saying is that I feel society has devalued the role of raising children and continues to do so. It annoys me that modern society dresses up forcing both parents to work full time jobs to survive or be valued as an equality issue. The OP has choices and important options which are being ignored and denigrated for a false idea of equality and what it means.

It’s not as simple as working or not means you don’t take looking after kids seriously. Society should take the role of raising children more seriously.

yes you’ll be fine, although not necessarily rich.

This sort of attitude blows my mind. What is enough? The OP doesn’t sound like she aspires to drinking champagne at lunch.

I’ve travelled to poorer countries where people have very little and are happier than most posters on this board.

A couple of years ago I buried a colleague who had worked whilst receiving treatment that was never going to cure her.

Two years ago I attended the cremation of a friend who left her two year old boy behind.

There has to be a balance. We have to end this rat race where people say 215K is not enough! Yes it is! Gain some perspective. Spend time with your kids if that is what you would prefer to do.

Hi OP,
My DH earns a huge amount (just shy of 7figures pa). I've been a trailing spouse and out of work for five years doing general housewife stuff but with the kids all being school age I got v bored, was becoming a bit of a nag (texting him when are you coming home/are you finished yet?) also I was fed up of no longer having my identity. Just being His Wife.

So anyway, I've resurrected my career late last year! Back to work, part time which is amazing. And no where near the salary I was on when I was previously working but OMG it feels great to do it. I was getting a few snipey comments from colleagues (they know who DH is/what he does), in fact I found out a few weeks ago they were running an unofficial sweepstake as to how long I would last back at work
It's got better now that they know I'm back in it for the long haul.

Fully recommend staying in work but perhaps looking for something more flexible/part time.

@PattiPrice the issue is the cost of living, so on one hand 215k is more than most can dream of & more than enough but it won't necessarily give you the lifestyle that you may think it might. I live in a fairly normal part of Zone 3 London. My home would now cost 900k, I didn't pay anything like that & I have neighbours who are nurses/teachers/police who paid 200k.

Realistically £215k p/a isn’t enough for you to be able to call it quits on work securely

Jesus wept, how much would be enough? What planet are you living on?

Yes I know blahnlah . Having lived in Dublin during the property boom where not particularly nice suburbs were commanding plucked from the air figures for very average semi dark in densely built suburbs that offered nothing more than thousands and thousands of similar houses, I saw houses falling from 900K to 400K overnight (still overinflated).

The OP never said she wanted a ‘lifestyle’ other than private schooling for her children.

Life is short. Take your time. Enjoy it. Make memories. Mind your physical and mental health and that of your children. Nobody can look after children as well as their parents because nobody cares about them more.